This Christmas

It's been a full week for me. I've had family in town, work Mon, Tue and Wed, Christmas shopping to do (even though I swore up and down that I wasn't going to be caught in anybody's store on Christmas week or the weekend before). It's all good though because its the spirit of giving that takes over. It's a good thing!

I decided between Monday and Wednesday that I'd be spending Christmas day with my church family. I wanted to spend it with friends but I had to remember they had their own families. Hell I had family in town but I didn't feel like being annoyed or agitated. It's all good though! I tried to keep my cheer through the constant barging in my bedroom, the eating me outta house and home, the cleaning, and all else! I tried! I will be glad when they leave! They are becoming such a bother!

Christmas Eve, after work, I came home. I showered, changed clothes and did slight cleaning. I was on my way to a party that I promised I'd show to. It lasted till like 3ish till they kicked everyone out. My parties everyone just generally leave around that 3-5am time frame! So, I was like hmmm... time to go! A guy that I was talking with at the party, and a familiar face I won't name, chilled outside for a while just talking in the sanded snow. It was cool convo but it gave me something to do and I was making myself friendly in an unfamiliar atmosphere with someone new, AND CUTE! It was cool, the whole convo thing. Plus, we exchanged numbers and was texting each other on the way home. My Christmas was off to a good start!

I went to drop off a pie off at someone's house at like 4am. He said he would be up till 5, but apparently fell asleep around 2ish. So I found out 6 hours later of trying to reach him! Oh well... I continued to my pastors house and fell asleep on the couch. Time check: about 5am. I was awakened by footsteps and talking around 8ish. Thinking, what's going on, I didn't allow myself to clip back into a comatose state. I stayed semi-conscious, lol! People got up and I figured I may as well get up also. I found out they were going to my pastor's mom's place for family breakfast. I was invited. They said I was family and to get ready. I got there and I helped in the kitchen. Fooled around wit grits, eggs, bacon sausage and home fries. I pretty much had a hand in the entire breakfast! It was cool. I like cooking so I felt at home! We serve breakfast to what it seemed to be about 30-40 people and then everyone exchanged gifts. After it all there was fellowship and friendly chat. We finished cleaned up and then went back to pastors house. Time check: 2:30pm

They open their gifts at the house and I finally get a chance to wrap my gifts. I love wrapping gifts because I love to see the recipients open them and see the surprise! That's all the fun for me. As long as there some element of shock and surprise I am satisfied. I finish wrapping and I am soooo tired. I was asked to give a ride to a brother to his grandma's house. I consented. I came back and the couch was taken. I needed a bed or something. I lost patience trying to get above the gift and toy chatter and baby cries so I just fell asleep on the floor. After I woke up I was sooo right with the world! Lol Time check: 7:00pm

I started cooking dinner for everyone and it was done by about 9pm and we all gathered around and ate. They all shared their compliments on the food and how they should make a room for me so I can cook all the time. I felt appreciated! Appreciated by family! :-) I finish up eating, and I cleaned as I cooked, so I went home to give a lil time to the fams. I gave them an hour and was done wit them at about 11:30pm. I had to get to Shawn's to give him his gift before Christmas was over. I have a track record of giving him gifts late so it was important to me I get there before 12 midnight. I hopped on that parkway hunny and sped all the way there! I made it with time to spare. The gifts were exchanged and I was happy. I saw the smile that just makes me content and it made my Christmas! Twin, who was there when I got to Shawn's, didn't open his gift for reasons I'm sure he'll comment on, lol I hope he likes it since I still haven't gotten at text saying anything!

I leave Shawn's place, idk around 1:30 or 2 and came home and fell asleep. I was happy, full and satisfied. I want to take the time to thank God for letting me see one more Christmas and for sending us a savior who would later die for our sins. Secondly, now that God got his due, lol, I wanna thank all who took the time out to get me a gift, that thought about getting me a gift and couldn't and the mean hearted that refused to get me a gift! May God bless you all!

The day after Christmas, I went to the mall to get all that I didn't get and to treat myself. I feel I deserve it. I set aside funds to do so weeks in advance and now its my turn to bless myself! And I was blessed too! Praise be to WalMart! Lol

I hope you all had a great holiday and continue to have a blessed holiday season!

Fish out of water...

Too scared to move and nowhere to hide
Feeling confused, crumbled and crazy inside
Spiritual absence, being present with no one
Longing, wishing, wanting desperately
Looking, searching reaching and I grabbed... none

Poured from my eyes at 1:30am Monday Morning

I cry with hopes to cry no more. I ache with hopes to ache no more. Wounded beyond knowledge, I look at a light. A light dim and faint in the distance. I see. I don't. It's black. Fish out of water... desiring liberation, last night this fish out of water cried a new sea...

Wish List

Okay, I'm in that mood! I finally feel Christmas. I went to the store and Got myself in the mood. I embraced the repetitively annoying Christmas music playing over the air at my second job. I saw the snow falling at its thickest moments today around 10am. I was masking in the beauty of it all! I loved it! I feel something birthing within me and I'm finally bursting with this Christmas cheer!

People have been asking me about what I want for Christmas. It took a min and I know its late, but for the few that did ask me, here it is:

Cardo S-800 Bluetooth Earpiece

Items can be found on Amazon.com on my wish list!

Talk to you soon!

Christmas not Christmas!

Okay, I gotta stand back and address something. I'm not going to say that this is gonna apply to everyone, or even most people. I do know that it applies to at least 2 and that's enough. Why is it not feeling very jolly? Why isn't there mass amounts of cheer circling about the people? Why is Christmas seeming not like Christmas at all!

To me, there has always been some kind of element that makes Christmas what it is:

• Family getting together and having fun
• A well lit tree decorated as a family with cookies and milk
• Snow outside
• Gifts under the tree (call me commercial, go 'head!)
• Shopping for the gifts
• Deciding what to buy for everyone
• Being excited at the expected surprise and joy of seeing gifts
• Christmas music on the radio and at the job
  
• Friends and family participating the whole time. 

I guess to me its the being around people with the no pressure fun that sets the tone for me. This year, there's been death, economic hardship, severed friendships and torn relationships. What once was a great holiday hasn't even began to come together for me. I don't know what to do! 

It's Wednesday, December 17Th, 2008, and I haven't began to shop. I've had wonderful ideas but no money to make them happen. Not down about it, just disappointed. I'm usually done by November. But the last two years have been poor shopping habits. SIGH I'm going to go shopping today. Everything has to be purchased by this coming Friday night or Saturday afternoon or it won't be bought till after the holiday. I don't shop the week of Christmas. WONT HAPPEN!

I have to do something to save my Christmas, I just have to! I'm not even having my annual Christmas Party! Work has me working Friday and Saturday evenings. I heard rumor that my brother that I'm very short-patiented with is coming up. Some know him as "smoothie" (opposite of fuzzy, lol). I have most of a mind to disappear! I don't wanna deal with them! Meaning dealing with his wife. They're all "out there"! I might see what my pastor is doing and hang with him and his family. Maybe I will treat myself to a hotel room and just sleep all day in peace and quiet! 

I gotta save my Christmas!!! Somebody HELP!!! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL SOS!!!

Question!

Its funny that I'm going to post this, knowing what kind of question it is!

So, a student comes up to me and said, "Mr. Fuzzy (Fuzzy standing for government last name of course!), I found your website"! I look. First a confused look, thinking about what website he could be talking about. He said, "don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about! The one where you're on there looking like (student proceeds to do the pose that is pictured at the top left-hand corner of my blog! I kept walking, thinking "this isn't over and this will resurface!" 

My question is: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN ONE OF YOUR STUDENTS (coworkers, bosses, church folk, friends, hell even the postman may be used as substitutions) FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR BLOG?

Complete Top?

Let’s start by what a TOP actually is! I would define a top as one who would prefer being giving the dick as opposed to taking it. Then I got to thinking after I read somebody's comment or post or something awhile ago, it's more than just a preference. It's a state of mind.

When you're a top your purpose is to please the bottom, or the one who is bottoming! You have to work that dick and move it every which a way. You have to know what you're doing! You can't just go in and out and call it a night, or day given the circumstance! LOL There has to be some sort of passion that the TOP must have in order to accurately call himself a TOP!

Let's get this straight. If you can't take dick, that doesn't make you a top. You may not give good dick either! This only means you can't take dick, or maybe you're not doing it right! Sometimes you have to know how to work it! When Shawn and I were together, I was labeled as the bottom, because Shawn was the top. I initially thought of myself as a bottom, years ago, but that was before I had a taste of ass! It was good! It was just too much work, or so I thought! I called myself a vers bottom because I could top, just preferred not to. I would be labeled as the bottom and I would state, I’m no bottom, I just happen to do it better than all of the other bottoms!

More currently I've considered myself versatile. I've learned how to get more into pleasing the bottom. Since I'm such a good bottom (So, I'm told and not giving myself props!) I know something about pleasing one! I get into sliding onto some dick to and milking it for everything it has to give too! I'm just a very sexual person and I realize that. I mean I knew I liked sex, but I didn't know I was this sexual. I get in the mood and I turn into this sexual beast! Wait, lemme get back on topic! Lol

How about dick size?!?! A top wit a 5 inch dick? Can it work? Of course! Five inches can get the job done! I used to underestimate the small dicked dude, but not so much anymore! (Note I said not so much! lol I like the bigger ones better) Can a top be successful with a small dick? As long as he can hit those spots, I say why not? If he can turn you on and get you all wet, why not? I say don't discriminate! Okay, I’m tired of typing...

So, with all of that in mind, for those self proclaimed TOPS, are you really a top? Do you do all you can physically/sexually do to please your bottoms? Do you call yourself a top just because you don't bottom? Can't bottom? Let's Generate some good Convo!

Go ahead, you can do it... 1, 2, 3 COMMENT!

Photo Shoot!

Stay Tuned, More To Come!

Judging By The Poll

Judging by the poll, it doesn't seem like many people are on that fence of happiness. Why aren't we happier? What are things that are going on that cause us to be on this fence? What should we do to fix it?

Speaking for myself, I voted "good not great". I have many of things going for me. I'm doing better than I have done in the past. I'm making things happen for myself. I'm in a great place spiritually! I endeavor to be in a place that I can just sit down in a chair and smile! FOR NO REASON!!! That would be me being the happiest I can be! I'm on my way, you wanna join me?

Take a vote on the Next Poll!

(LOOK TO THE LEFT)

So, I'm thinking about doing a questions post. I haven't done one in awhile. I know a few readers of the blog are fairly new, so this might give them an opportunity to get to know Fuzzy! Also, I went to have some pics taken. I really like how they came out. Do you think I should post them? Give me some feedback!

A Current Update!

All of my previous posts have been posted! I had to get the old outta the way to make room for the new and present! Lemme tell you how things seem to happen so quickly! I have been puttin some serious miles on my car within the last week or two. Reason? I met someone... he lives in Harlem. Its like a 60-70 mile round trip, hell maybe more! I don't mind the trip.

I initially had aspirations of entertaining the opposite sex. Having the fragile mind and self-esteem dealing with females, I put myself out there. I took a hit. I took a few hits. Yea, I was depressed and hurt. Of course I felt like I would never find a woman that would just do it for me, but instead of wallowing I kept moving. I realized that everyone isn't for me and I'm not for everyone!

So, what am I saying? Fuzzy just said he wanted to try dating women and already he's back to dudes? No that's not actually the scene. I find it easier to find a compatible man, than a compatible woman. I won't let my happiness slip away because of a closed mind! An opportunity has opened up for me to get to know someone really interesting and sexy. I'm going to take this chance and experience life. Being completely honest about everything from the door, we still grow close. From the time we first started talking, around the middle of October, until now, it has been cool convo after another!

His name is Chris. No code names, I'll get myself confused! He's about 5'9", brown skinned, 32" waist maybe 34", about 165lbs, short cut hair really attractive. He works as an administrator somewhere. He has his own apartment in Harlem. He drives, just doesn't have a car (I don't blame him, parking is a MOFO out there)! His best friend lives in Jersey City, so we'd have a chill spot there. Or if I wanted he could come here on occasion. He's self reliant and driven. He wouldn't mind chillin wit my friends if the opportunity came up. He said he wouldn't mind coming to church with me if I invited him. He is a catch!

Being that he is a catch, my arms aren't out lookin to catch him. I'm entering this thing with no expectations other than spending time with him. Were feelin each other so that's cool wit me for now. Shawn and I met with the intention of friendship and I'm happy to say that the friendship has lasted through it all! I will not push anything but friendship for right now. I'm seizing every day and living each moment, enjoying the time we spend together!

Stay tuned!

I really liked this song! 9/2/08

Thats all there is to the post! I wish I had the lyrics for those who are at work, but when They decide to pop up, I'll post them...

I heard this song, and while in an emotional state, I posted the song. I connected with the song and it's how I could best express myself to Shawn. After listening to it, I still feel the same way! Like the song says, I'll be there!

My Potential Friend James 8/30/08

I don't wish to be real drawn out with this post because it doesn't have much body to it. I have been talking to this guy for a long time. Nothing serious and nothing sexual. It was just real talk! He likes to play video games, so do I. He likes to watch movies, so do I. We just had a few things in common!

I went to meet him and we played video games for two hours and I lost every match of Street Fighter and Tekken! I was a sore loser, yes I was! I was having fun, just wish I would of won at least one round! I'll get him... eventually! Sigh! We watch Scorpion King 2. It was the only movie that he had that I hadn't seen before. I was sooo into it, I never paid attention to his two roommates come into the room and attach their eyes to my face! STEP OFF! lol

Movie was over and we were talking and I felt tension rising up. I felt an attraction on his part. I tried to deny myself to ask questions. I really didn't wanna know. Every time something came up sexual in conversation he would change the subjest when it got too far. I was like yea, he either doesn't like sex, or he wants to sex me and doesn't wanna ruin the night! Well it was option number 2! lol

On my way home he calls and he said he wanted to kiss me! I was like NOOOOOOOO!!!!! I just wanted friends! he goes on to tell me how I have a great smile and great lips and a great personality and how handsome I was. I thought to myself, I know I've heard it many times before. You tend to accept it after you've heard it many times over many times! (not a cocky moment, its just the truth!) He asks would I have liked it if he did! I answered yes. I followed with saying that I would of preferred that you didn't. He asked why! That damn question! I told him I would call him back!

That "why" is a freakin killer! I didn't wanna say "I don't know", lol! I thought for about 5 minutes down the road and came to a conclusion. All the friends that I have been sexual with, I didn't have an interest in keeping them around for long! After the sex, I lost interest! I had a interest in keeping the friendship going so I called him back and explained that to him and he was cool with that. He said I was honest and he respected that.

I now have a potential friend named James!

At present times, James is a sideline friend. He is cool but he has a ongoing sexual attraction towards me. I really don't wanna go there. I mean Goodness!!! All I have to do now is Sigh!!!

Boredom leading to an adventure... 9/2/08

I don't understand why I was bored at 1:30am on a night before church! I really should have been sleeping! I wasn't so I was up on the phone talking. There were numbers dialed, and calls sent home. There were many conversations, all of which ended in about five minutes each. Except for one...

We have been talking for about two weeks now and it has been nothing but conversation! I was surprised finally! Maybe this one will go somewhere. I met this one online. We've talked about work, money, the lack of good work and money, life, school, and parents. You name it and something about it has passed through in conversation. I was really feelin it. He invited me over for cartoons and chicken wings! I accepted, why?

It was now 2:15 and I am going to NY to do nothing productive! This brotha lived in the Bronx! Oh hell no! I already had left so I was on my way into a late night journey! To the freakin Bronx at the least! This is going to be a tale I thought. I can't even navigate NY like that!

Okay so I started the post at this point. I'm at 42nd St. waiting on the 2. I was waiting in the wrong spot for 20 mins! Why can't all the damn trains stop in the same damn spot? Why do the signs have a gazillion different numbers and letters without clear directions? I could have been almost there by now! But noooooo whoever decided to make up the signage for the NY MTA should be shot twice, with a shotgun!

There are these two girls next to me who are eating McDonalds and it smells real good! Why of all times would I think about food while waiting for a train that's not coming! I just wanna go home... I am over typing and not moving from stop to stop!

Ok, so I finally got on the train and I am on my way... Tell me why I get reception at like every other stop while I am sitting on the freakin train! This has got to be the first time that T-Mobile has amazed me! The very first time! Seriously! That’s really beside the point; I just want my damn chicken so this hunk of metal betta push on just a lil bit faster... GRRRrrr

*My phone better not die, I'm gonna be pissed!*

So my phone died and luckily I wrote instructions on a piece of paper so I knew where the heck I was going! It’s now the ride home and I am typing this to keep my mind occupied... Let’s get back to where I left off...

There was a woman that got on at 180th on the 2 line that started yapping off at the mouth and asking for money! She gave a story about how she needed money. She fell on the floor and then started singing. Then people started yelling at her and then she condemned us all to hell! Why? Because we didn't give her money? I just wanted to grab her by her damned neck and strangle the hell out of her, Homer Simpson style!

So, my stop comes and I am just so thrilled! I get off of the train started walking towards his house. I knocked softly on the door. I didn't wanna ring the door bell and wake anybody up. He answered soon enough! I was looking for two things, chicken and a bathroom! I got both! I was satisfied!

I noticed that he was cool great person, down to earth and could make some chicken! Finally good chicken that’s not store bought! Lol moving on, he invites me into his bedroom and I am noticing how nice his eyes are, and other things you can't help but notice through basketball shorts! ;-) I was falling for him. I needed to stop. I just wanted to be his friend! I need friends! I popped my head and refocused my mind. We continue conversation and he tells me that he likes me. I said hmmm okay. "You cool too", I replied! He told me that I’m attractive, getting my things together, I'm about something, zest and zeal and I go to church! He likes church and church boys! Then here's the T! He asked what a dude like him needs to do to be with a man like me! "I don't wanna move things too quickly, I know you're still dealing with feelings from your EX but we can work through that together"

I don't wanna get into another relationship so soon. I explained that to him. He said "Well I will be here for you if you decide to change your mind!" We laid down and went to sleep.

Shortly after, I wake up and roll over he rolls over and asks me if he could hold me. I said sure. My hopes of a friendship had gone out the window. Now, it’s a benefits friendship with prospects for a relationship. I had high hopes for this one...

He makes himself real comfortable around me. I'm turned on! He eventually accidentally bumps against my now brick hard dick. Following that was an inquisitive search and feel! There it goes. I am not one for too many details but the night ended nicely. I left the in a couple of hours later and now am on the way home.

I'm having many adventures it seems like, but this one was good. I kinda wanna go back! I think I'll drive next time...

Present Time Update! As Peter Griffin says, "You know what grinds my gears?" These guys out there that swear on everything that they are trying to get to know you and promise you he world. Then after they get what they want, something so precious, or maybe not so precious to others (LOL), they drop you like a bad habit! I can't take it!

After what I believed was a great meet-up, I never was called back! I was ditched! I just got in contact with him last week. Two months? I asked what was good and was everything ok. He said all was well. I asked why he fell outta contact. He said that he got busy. I thought to myself, that's understandable. Finally I asked if I would ever see him again. He said maybe. At that very moment i deleted his number and made the decision to drop him like he dropped me.

I've always seen myself as conservative, but it wouldn't hurt to be a lil more conservative. At the end of that, I just felt used and cheap! It's all good though. People always say don't give up the goods on the first date/meet. I think I'll try to go forward with that concept! (notice I didn't sign stamp and approve that statement! I said try!)

Fuzzy's Sexual Aura 8/30/08

Previously, I mentioned that I would try to make friends. I put a good honest try. I didn't start at the time of the last post, but some time before. I would check guys out at parties, I would accept invites to go places, I would flirt in public (so not into that), go to bars and clubs in the city, and I would talk to dudes online! I think I'm making a decent effort to at the very least expose myself in an atmosphere of socialization which could lead to friendship.

I bring very few people to my house. The only few people that I was comfortable bring around is Shawn, Reggie, X, and Twin. Usually, nobody else would come here, outside of an occasional party that I might have. I live in a housing complex and everybody is nosy. I just don't want people all up in my business. They have been in the past. So, I'm not paranoid, I'm preventive and responsive!

Everyone I try to talk to on some serious level, with a friendship tip, always seems to go sour on me. Meaning, that everything is seemingly fine to the eye. When we get to the nitty gritty and the heart of the matter, they just wanna fuck! I don't mention anything about sex. If I do, believe me it will be on and poppin, but that's not really what I want right now. So despite where I meet people, myspace, sex sites, personal sites etc... they all end in the same result.

I sought my panel for advice. I called Dapper D, no answer. I called X and Twin, same thing. Reggie answered right away! Lemme find out he is becoming my new best friend, lol! I presented the ideas and problematic situation and this was his answer. "You just have a sexual personality! You like sex, you can't deny that. You flirt sometimes knowingly or unknowingly. Your demeanor is flirtatious! Even when you try, it comes out in your personality. Its who you are! So when you meet people you need to recognize that and possibly make mention of it so people don't get it confused!"

I sat back after Dr. Phil spoke lol and let that sink in. He had much truth flying out of that mouth of his! A step in the right direction, I guess! I wish not to be a sex icon, so I have to redirect my sexual energy lol! This should prove interesting! I'll let you know how it turns out!

Left Outside Again! 8/30/08

Lets not forrget about the poll to the left. I try to always keep an active poll running... cast your vote now!!!
<<<<<<<<<---------------

Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm an attention whore! I could be pitiful, or I could just be over reacting.

I really am lonely. I didn't think Reggie leaving was going to have such an impact on me. I genuinely thought that I wouldn't be talking with him regularly. I didn't think we would have grown close but we did. I thought I could deal with his move and I wouldn't miss him, but I do!

Lately, I've been waiting to chill with X and Twin! Twin has become a dear friend to me, and X has been there many times. They are my very best buddies! for real for real! Outside of seeing them at Reggie's party this past Saturday, I haven't chilled with them in weeks! I'd dare to say that I feel left out. Every time I lift my head they are with Shawn. Every time I send a text, They are with Shawn. I heard stories about places they've gone with Shawn. Shawn Shawn Shawn SHAWN!!!! Damn!

I was left out. I don't know whether it was by Shawn's request, but still I was left out. I don't wanna be around Shawn like all the time. I wanna give him his privacy. I would like friend time every now and again. I've done it once. When I went to the nude beach, I didn't invite Shawn. I just wanted to be comfortable. I didn't want Shawn being uncomfortable seeing guys flirting and talkin to me. I wasn't really interested in seeing the same! So the invite was lost. It WAS extended to X and Twin! They declined! Probably made plans with SHAWN! :(

Someone mentioned to me that maybe I should begin to start making friends that don't know Shawn. I initially thought no! Why would I need to go out and make more friends when the friends I treasured and held dear to me are actin up? I started to think that friends were a hindrance to happiness; I almost convinced myself! Then, I calmed down and began think sensibly. It wasn't a bad idea! Why the hell not? Oh, I know! That takes time to do! Making an effort to get to know somebody! Getting to know what they like and dislike! The whole process of meeting new people in an effort to make them a friend is way too long! That will be something that will happen by accident, not on an agenda! lol

I was talking to a potential friend, another post coming not to far behind this one, about this issue. He told me he saw a great deal of pain in my eyes. He advised me to bring it up and talk to them about it. Maybe it was simply an oversight. The glass of my eye and the twinkle in the corner lead him to believe that I really was passionate about those two knuckleheads! lol I don't like feeling like the guy holding a frosty glass dome, with a city if life thriving inside. Knowing whats going on and not being able to participate or see the event of desire. I hate being left outside!

My First Day! 8/28/2008

My first day at my new job, and I'm sick! I told Charles that he gave me the "Kenya Syndrome"! He was like how come he didn't get it and I said cause your traveling behind is immune to it! I was sneezing and sniffling. Did I mention snotting? There was much snot! I had a headache and stuffy nose. All of this the day before work. It got no better the morning of! I was like, why, of all times now, would I choose now to be sick? I pressed on. I wasn't going to be late, and I said I am starting this job with an I care attitude, I'm taking it with me and keeping it at all times!

Well, I work at Kohl's now and I must say I'm satisfied. I told myself that I didn't wanna go back into the retail field. I wanted to stay within the education and the culinary field. The job market is so tough nowadays. They want you to go on interview after interview after interview! Then, you don't get the job because you weren't quite what they were looking for! What ever that means! At the very same time, I had specific requirements about the job I would take! I couldn't work on Sunday morning, or Thursday nights. I would only be available after 4pm if it wasn't quite local and 3pm if it was real close. I was like there has got to be someone that can work with that schedule. I went forward hoping that things would pull together. Shawn always told me that he never worried about me. He said "somehow someway, God favors me above all". I kept saying that, even though I hated when he said it! lol

People would ask me what I did at Kohl's. I told them Asset Supervisor. I was a lil mistaken! There is no such position. It's called the Ad Set Supervisor. I really didn't care much. I had a job I wanted and am getting paid well! Asset Supervisor sounds better though...

My first day went like this. I came in 8:15am and orientation started at 8:35am. People were late and the trainer was trying to be considerate and wait. the first thing we did was clock in! :) I felt so excited, in between pieces of paper towel and Kleenex! (I couldn't stop my nose from running!) We filled many papers and went through the employee handbook. page by page! It was cool, because some companies just give it to you and say go for it. Kohl's said we want you to know what we're about! I liked how they took us for a tour in the security office! It's huge! They want us to see why its not a good idea to try to steal from them! lol I think their point was well displayed!

I ran into a guy that graduated school 4 years after I did, from the same school! That was nice. There was ground for conversation. There was a girl there that goes to Linden High and is in Navy JROTC. That served as grounds for convo. I found myself sociable with many people. I usually clam up around people I don't know. Especially when I'm around a group of new people all in a close environment.

1pm came and it was time for me to go. I was ready to hit somebody's pharmacy up for some meds! OMG! My nose! I came home and passed out on the Futon (capital F, Futon deserves respect lol) I woke up at 7! Drank juice or water every half hour on the hour. Submerged myself in hot water in efforts to sweat whatever was in me out through any pore it wanted to escape out of! I wanted to be well again!

This morning, Friday morning, I felt very well! Many times better, but not completely well. It's a step towards the right direction!

This was my first day!

Comfortable, I think not! 8/26/2008

Saturday, Reggie's going away party.

I have attached myself to Reggie, even though I thought I wouldn't. I have tried to distance my mind from him leaving only because I didn't want to enter this state of depression and saddening. Every time I get close with someone they leave! It's either that or I do something to mess up the friendship, knowingly or not.

The parties that go on at Shawn's place are very sex-esque (probably not a word!). There's an atmosphere of fun and flirting going around. There is nothing wrong with that. It's interaction and a good time. However, I got there at the segment when it was only Reggie, Shawn, Charles and myself there. It was awkward. I really wanted to to be comfortable but I was incredibly uneasy within myself. I didn't wanna say anything out of order. I didn't wanna say too much at all! I just wanted to be good. I have never been uncomfortable in the house (note still referring to it as "the" house as opposed to his house), not one time!

People begin arriving one by one and begin removing some of the tension in the house. I was relieved to somewhat of a slight degree. The party started and I was in my shell. I didn't wanna come out. I actually wanted to leave. I have a tendency of always placing my foot in my mouth all of the time saying the most off the wall things and doing the most out of the way things! I waned to avoid all of this and go home. It was Reggie's party and I was already there. May as well start enjoying myself. I had a drink and loosened up. I had a shot and got even more loose. I had 3 more vodka and cokes. I had 2 sweet drinks that Reggie was so kind for me to make for me. Then followed with 4 cups of Twin's punch (Get Right). I was good now! I was so far out of my shell I didn't even know where the shell was!

Luckily for me, I had eaten a good amount of food. All that liquor saturated the food and I was being held drunk for the rest of the night. My food just wasn't moving, AT ALL! I began to lose my balance. It wasn't a great deal I just didn't want to fall. That's embarrassing! lol So I needed a stool quickly. None were available. There was an offer to sit on a lap! So, I sat on the guy's lap. There was talk. Mostly from him to me. I was just listening! I didn't know who's lap I was on! I just know I was comfortable, he was holding me up and he was talking a slick game. Phone started blowing up, text after text! What's going on? I'm like I'm good sittin on his lap! I wasn't getting what was going on. My God sis came along and she tried to remove me from what was going on. Then Charles did the same. I needed air! This was the worst I had ever been. I got almost an hour worth of air it seemed like. Then came back to the party.

I drank myself into a comfort zone, but into a place where I did not have clear judgment at all. I was ready to go. Where I was going I don't know. The options I had were many. I just wanted to talk with someone. I came to get my shoes out of the bedroom and Shawn passed out with someone else there was behind a shut door. Not clearly thinking I jumped to conclusions and left somewhat upset. I didn't get home until 20 minutes before I needed to be in church.

Maybe it would of been better chillin with Reggie on Sunday, as opposed to going to the party! It would of saved me much heartache and drama! I didn't feel sober until about 12noon. I was in my second service by then! I wasn't even supposed to drink!

By popular demand, Fussy's Tones has been removed from the blog. lol Stay tuned for further improvements...

The me that I am and will become... 8/20/08

I am this unpredictable person. you can predict me.
I am this unforgettable person, you may forget me.
I am this vibrant person, I may be often dull.
I am this stable person, who is shaky and unsure.
I am this strong person, who is too often weak.
I am this intelligent person, that has no smarts.
I claim to have everything together, but never have any answers.
The world around me stares and I stare back.
What am I supposed to be rendering, what do I have to offer.
I am contradiction at its best state, striving to exist in a state of agreement.

I have tried over and over not to think about it. I have tried time after time to cut the tears. I've went to myself in thought in attempts to gain understanding. I have uncovered answers that I didn't find so tasteful. I found bitterness, some hatred and even envy. I was told that I get down on myself alot. I've been told that I put a new meaning on being one's own worst critic. I dig myself into new lows and people just don't understand why. I need to be this child that sits himself in a corner to think about what he has done. I honestly believe that I am not a bad person, but I make many poor choices.

Emotionally unstable, I journeyed out to place myself into an atmosphere of joy and happiness. Heavy burden, I put on a front deceiving people wherever I go. I don't know who I am. I can't identify with myself. I am still coming into myself so it is an ongoing process. How could I know what I want? How could I know when I want it? I never gave myself a chance to develop and I brought people down with me. I held onto hands as I fell in a figurative defeat, dragging them with me. I'm sorry. My heart and soul bleeds with apologetic tones. I'm sorry. I release with words because words is how it came out. I grieve with tears because that is what flowed as streams to my chest.

I never meant for things to go this way. They did. I always wanted to be there for you. I wasn't. I owe pieces of my identity to you. You have shaped some of what I have become and helped hold the spotlight to what I was and to some degree still am. Knowing is half the battle. I figure things can only get better from here.

I'm still away from my desk. I'll be gone for a significant amount of time. I'm around building myself up, constructing a strong foundation. Once the base has been completed the next step is to stand. I will stand tall and confident against the wind and the sea billows. I will withstand the many blows that I expect to come my way. I will be sure. I will be strong. I will be the man that was expected of me that I fell short of. Wait and see!

The blood has stopped and my wound is very much evident. The pain is clear repeatedly showing itself. Time can only tell how long it will be until I will be completely healed. Unfortunately time is mute, does not have lips and makes no noise.

Until whenever the next time may be!

I read this again and I felt a sense of progress, but not quite there at the place where I want to be... My eyes actually watered...

Not Quite Week 2

Aug 10Th-16Th

Sunday: This was a very nonproductive day for me. I think I was in a slump. I woke up late from the beach this morning and just couldn't make my way to church. I tried and tried, I just couldn't do it! My mouth was sore from Dunkin Donuts dude messin (I had to edit "messin", I said something a lil more vulgar) up the muffins. My gum line was swollen and throbbing! It hurt so much! Oh Well! After church I went over Mrs Bytch's house to blog. I was there from 12 till about 6 and came home and ate. I laid in the futon and laid there till I fell asleep close to sunrise that morning.

Monday: I slothed around the house for a bit and didn't do anything until late in the afternoon. I texted someone and he said he was at Starbucks. I needed to be at rehearsal in that particular area and had nothing to do so I left early to waste time. He was nice like I expected him to be. I really could have gone without meeting him. Just not the conversationalist. I had to say "huh" and "what" too many times! I went to rehearsal and came back home for another restless night. I can't figure out why I am not sleeping! It's annoying to have to get up to nothing and do nothing! to have nothing to show at the end of the day! :|

Tuesday: I hung out with Mrs. Bitch's husband for like a hour and change after taking a two hour bath. Then I went over Pastor's house and waited for him to get ready. I was traveling with him to church. The bishop was speaking and the choir was called to join him. Church was fine, no high points, to me! We left and got a crave case and split it on the way home talking about anything that came up. I came home and had a restless night again. I logged onto yahoo and found someplace to go to tire myself out. I sipped wine and watched law and order until about 5am! Who does this?

Wednesday: Today was the most interesting day! Lets give Mrs. Bitch's husband a name, Tony! So he calls me up and says I need to head to Newark for an interview. He said he got me for gas money later. I said iight, cause he was good for it. We get there and its for a place I sent 4 applications to (4 different positions). I was like okay, how'd you get a call back and I didn't! Something was out of order! So I walked in to see what was what and they were taking walk ins. I filled out yet another application and went thru the interview process and was offered a job. More money than the rest of the positions for the same hours and more benefits! I am not complaining! I came home and after eating and talking on the phone with my pastor for over an hour about nothing specific, I fell asleep at around 12ish and slept like a baby!

Thursday: I'm still in my good mood. I did my piss test and dropped by the Superintendent's Office to fill out paperwork for he upcoming year and came home. I have been here ever since doing nothing and happy! I took me a bath and relaxed for two hours and been textin friends and on yahoo ever since. I am happy. I smell a good nights sleep coming! I'll let you know tomorrow!

It doesn't seem like I finished this week, hmmm oh well! I wonder what happened...

Week 1, I Can't Believe It!

August 2-9

I guess I should start on Saturday, since this all started on Saturday! Breath in, exhale! Here we go...

Saturday: It began as a pretty normal day. I spent the night over Twin's house and left for rehearsal that afternoon. It was a good rehearsal. We went through a good number of songs. I came to Shawn's place. I wanted to chill at Twin's that afternoon. He said we're waiting for Omar. He's always running late for some reason or another. It bugs Shawn and myself but whatever! Fast forward, events came to pass, words were exchanged and I was asked to leave. @-( <---upset face! I went to twins house and cried and poured out. Then went to Greg's to his first get together. I got really tipsy, but was able to drive home at like 6am. Y'all know I gotta be at church early!

Sunday: Reggie and I went to Riis Beach. Pride events were canceled but Reggie still wanted to go and needed a ride. I didn't wanna lay around doing anything. So there we went! I sat there and was sooo uncomfortable. I just wanted Shawn there. I was so used to Shawn being there. He wasn't. I felt naked as I sat there with my capris and shirt on. I tried to remain in high spirits but I had a feeling that my emotions were still seeping through the pores on my face. Then it started to rain. It was like the ocean was in a glass and it was poured on us, lol! The beach emptied like a crowded Popeye's that sold out of chicken! I hope nobody fell, cause they would of gotten their behinds trampled! On the way home we stopped by Dunkin Donuts to see a friend of Reggie's. Here is when the fun started!

Monday: I'm gonna start this day around 11ish on Sunday night! We were at Dunkin Donuts and talking with this guy. He was obviously gay, with his vans, his switch, and his stereotypically gay diction. He asked us if we could help him. He gave me 2 Ice Coffees, so I felt somewhat obligated. Reggie helped at the latter part. We made the bagels, set up the arrangement where all of the things went so customers could see, swept and mopped, and cleaned the tables. I came home and slept. I find out that this guy has a huge crush on me. More than a crush! He wants to hold me down for real for real. NO NO BOO BOO! The free donuts, and other stuff, was nice, but I can leave it behind if it's leading to any confusion with him thinking that him and I will be some kind of quick match up! lol Later on was my interview at the Hilton! I think it went well. I went in there confident and knowledgeable on what I was talking about. I impressed the human resources lady, Darien, but I could tell that I wasn't having such a good time with the Front Desk Manager. I still believe it went really well. After I got out of the interview, I got a phone call. Heart beating, sweating, trembling and preparing for the worst. The result came... I'm single! I can't believe it! I sat and I thought. Then I cried and stared. I was single... AGAIN!

Tuesday: I had an interview at this place called Boulevard 572, its in Kenilworth. It was at 12, I wanted to be early, so I showed at 11:45. I walked in and the guy was on the phone. Ten minutes later, he brings me into the dining room and asks me a few questions. I give him a few answers! He likes the feel of me and he asks if I could come in on Friday for a tasting at 3pm. I said sure! Why not? He said we would discuss schedule and pay and other specifics afterwards. I don't remember what happened that day, but that night I went back to Dunkin Donuts!

Wednesday: I sat there at Dunkin Donuts. I was going over in my mind why I was there in the first place! I didn't like this boy a bit. Not a bit! I think I just wanted someone to talk to! He listened. I was happy. I ended up doing more work. I was thinking I need to be on payroll for this! I did it because I was bored and I was having trouble sleeping. I hadn't slept well in two days and I couldn't really understand why. I have never had much trouble falling asleep. Even the week prior, I would wake up in nightmares sweating. I could never remember what the dream was about. Anyway, I took my donuts and sandwich and I came home and fell asleep.

Thursday: Reggie and I went looking for underwear. I was in a carefree mode and knew I shouldn't be spending money but I was beginning to feel lonely. People do weird things when they feel lonely. We went to a few places looking for some swim trunks for the Blackout Beach function at Fire Island. Store after store and nothing. We were at the point where we gave up, and we did. We were in search of someplace to go. We both had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Next destination, Twin's place! I noticed that Shawn texted me telling me he was home so I could bring his chair. I dropped off his chair and grabbed my paring knife that I would need on tomorrow's chef test. We got to Twins and watched TV.

Friday: After leaving Twins house, early in the AM, we went to Dunkin Donuts with a mission to get free goodies for the beach for Saturday. Mission Accomplished! We leave and I drop him off at a place to do his business. I leave and get home and cried. I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to be with. Nobody to hold. Just alone. I fell asleep wanting and desiring something holding a pillow. I woke early in anticipation of this chef test and this opening to be at 3. I was nervous. I get there and was still all over the map! My nerves was just shot and I was apt to cut myself at any given moment. I realized this and thought to myself, "whatever will happen will happen." I calmed down and was able to do what I needed to do. At the end of the night, I was offered the job. I had passed the test! GREAT! I had a job! I wasn't quite satisfied. It wasn't fulfilling my requirements for a job. It would take me out of church activities everyday during the week, not acceptable! I told him I would think about it. (I never got back to him)

Saturday: I had a boy over. So soon? It hasn't even been a week! He was country as hell. He said he was from the south somewhere, I couldn't remember exactly where. Well, anyway, he wanted a massage I gave him one (full body at that)! I was happy that I had someone to talk to. We watched the the 3rd Trois movie. I was holding him on the futon, laying down, and noticed he was turned on. We grinded, tossed and turned. All I could think about was how good he looked and how he wasn't Shawn. He left very satisfied and I was left in thought. I was horny yes, but tossed in a pool of memories. I really messed up! It is what it is. I miss Shawn. Alot! At least Shawn never left his stinch behind! :-(

After many roadblocks, figurative not literal, Reggie and I got to the beach. I saw Shawn and I panicked. I thought, "What is he thinking? Is he thinking about me? What if he sees someone he likes and tries to talk to him? He looks sooo sexy!" I walked away. I had to gather myself. I used the Deodorant as an excuse to walk away. It was chilly and I wanted to be warm, the only thing I could think of was how he used to hold me. I really messed up. I never knew breakups was sooo bad!

While I was away...

So due to the majority of the vote in favor of me posting, This was the first post that I drafted during my absence. Written on 8/10/2008, this is what I decided to write...

So, I'm gonna be honest and to the point. I said I was going to stay away from everything that was not productive. While I didn't totally eliminate everything, I did try to refrain from doing things often and in excess. I have analyzed why I do things and why I act the way I do in certain situations. I have discovered character flaws. Which, at this point, I am not comfortable sharing. I don't know whether I'll be able to share them, but know if I don't, know I'm just human like all of you!

The point of this post is to explain what you will be reading in the upcoming posts. You see I couldn't stay away from blogger, nor could I stay away from posting. I did think to myself this would be a wonderful opportunity to note occurrences and daily notes as they happen. A personal diary or journal if you will. It will contain my weaknesses, strengths, highs, lows, good, bad, emotions and feelings.

I'll be posting a weeks worth of progress at a time. This will happen once I begin posting again, and the weeks will be in real time. As of Sunday, Aug 10th, I am expecting to write a paragraph a day. I forecast myself not being able to stick to this standard. We will see!

Please note that this whole phase is to be an improvement process. I am not about to say I'm an angel, nor will I ever seriously claim to be one. I expect this to be a trial and error period. Don't judge me, or I'll get God to judge you!

I invite you to view my transitional period. I hope that it is a progress and improvement for myself.

Interjectection!

Before I start, Don't forget to cast your vote on the poll on the left side of the blog...

Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well!

All of those words at once! Yea I know I said I was gonna let you influence my next post, which would of been this one, but things happen. Some things happened at church on yesterday that would be monumental for me to mention. It just had to be said, that's all there is to it!

I went to church, after waking up at a friends place. I was conditioning myself, ever since the day before, to be to church on time. At church we had a special speaker, not to me, but to everyone else. I knew him. So, I was like yea, no surprise for me! Service was over, it was a HIGH time and I drove my Pastor to the church that he plays for. I gotta take care of him; he's a great Pastor and I don't want him over doing himself. So, that service was okay. I really don't particularly like the atmosphere at that church. I'm there for support purposes so, it's whatever.

I get back to the Pastor's house and First Lady and Sister Soandso are talking. Talking about nothing in particular but just talking about the body of Christ and whatever else subject came up. First Lady said that she had a bone to pick with Sister Soandso and I. Leaving out Sister Soandso, she told me that I was stubborn. She said that there is something that is so very small that is in my way, that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from accepting my calling.

::PAUSE::

I have had a great idea of what my calling is and have ignored it. I have only admitted it to myself and dismissed at the same time. Its been about 3 years I have known and ignored. It was something I wanted no part of! I thought I didn't fit the mold. I ran from my calling because I never got any confirmation from a trusted source!

::UNPAUSE::

She went on to ask when I would realize that I have a gift. She told me that I know the word so well, and have a clear understanding of it at the same time! She said that I have this power working inside of me that I'm suppressing. She emphasized that I didn't know what I was working with. She finished the conversation by saying that I knew about it all and I'm choosing not to embody my calling. She said that if it wasn't for God telling me this I would of never told you. "When are you going to step and be the minister God wants you to be, that you know you should be?"

I couldn't say a word. That I thought in my mind was: Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well! I felt like I just got a beating! So, I had to post this. The day I received proof of my calling!

So, I didn't know this...

Sarah Palin is pentecostal! I heard she belonged to the Church of God in Christ and I reacted! WHAT? Palin is COGIC? I needed to find out for myself. I was always told that the Church of God in Christ was the largest denomination outside of the catholic faith. Apparently, that may be incorrect. As I researched this Palin COGIC thing, I discovered the Assemblies of God. I went back in the history and found out that COGIC and The Assemblies of God are almost one in the same. There are a few differences. One baptizes in the Holy Spirit and the other in the name of the Father Son and the Holy Spirit. There are other minor differences as well. COGIC is predominately black and Assemblies of God are predominately white. Its so amazing that Jim Crow laws had a role in this split at approximately 100 years ago. What is more amazing? We are still split long after Jim Crow laws have been done away with! Just trying to find out where the unity is...

I have posted a poll and I want to see what you think. There's always a poll up! The results of this poll will determine my next post...

A Double Minded Front!

I call this post double minded for a reason. I would say this post would be focused around relationships, or lack thereof. My blogger friends from Far Far Away have been in talks with me and, through working on myself in my spare time, I can say that I'm not sure. I'll get into that in a bit...

I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.

I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...

J. Holiday - Suffocate

---------------------

I have deleted all of my naked pics. yea I know that's like a million, but I haven't had any naked pics for awhile. I stumbled upon a few that were stored in another folder that were cute, I kept those! lol. Anyway, I am on BGC. I get hit up left and right with people that are interested in tryin to sex me, and trying to be my next Boo! I have given all of them a long ass string and haven't pulled on any of them. I would say that I want to date someone again. I want to be in someone's company and have all of their attention on me. I have plenty upon plenty to allow to take me out! They all are still waiting. I don't want to lead them on, but I get so lonely at night. I don't have a text buddy I can run to. I have nobody. Or do i?

I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!

There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...

I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!

Current State: Living A Double Minded Front!

My Weekend...

So much happened this weekend! It was like the best/worst weekend I have had in a long time! Here comes the rundown!

Friday- I went to work and put my hours in. Came home and tutored some kids. Then went to my old church to hear my big cousin preach. He's a newly appointed Elder and a national evangelist for C.O.G.I.C. worldwide. He preached with a topic "What happened to the power?" and was dynamic! I came home and was in a mood to go out. Everyone had plans and I waited for a guy online to come thru he never came. I sat and waited for nothing! I drifted off to sleep with a wasted Friday night!

Saturday- My dad is coming back today. That means I have to get the house to where it was before he left! moving furniture and a few other things. I said whatever to all of that and just cleaned everything! I was determined to have a good time on Saturday. I worked a grand total of 71.5 hours this week and I won't see most of that till the end of the month! Damned pay periods! I have been exhausted all week! I wanna have a good time with whatever lil change I have to rub together! I'll make it work!

Here is where it gets interesting! Twin, Shawn and his date went out! We went to TGI's and to the city. We had a blast. I was comfortable and was happy Shawn was happy. He won't know this till reads this, but I wanted to lick him! He looked so sexy and all I wanted to do was give him a nice kiss! Did I mention I was drunk? Yea... Drunk... Its been over a month since I had sex and my hormones are really getting the best of me and I curbed my feelings and urges, even under he influence. I saw him kiss his date and I cringed a bit, but I wasn't lastingly bothered. I had fun. After the Vill, I came to twin's house and fell victim to his couch.

Sunday- I think I have my first hangover! I woke up with a headache and nausea! It was bad. I didn't wanna move too much cause I didn't wanna bear all to the sidewalk, as I made my way to my car to go to church. I get there and service was high and lifted up! I got my shout in for sure! I claimed my healing of that Got Damned Nausea! lol I hung out with my pastor for the day. He plays for another church in Newark as the senior musician.

I needed a refreshment. I went downstairs, in the church, to get a Coke. I needed to stay awake. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and admired. I know I have always admired myself, but that has always been with no shirt, nude, or in some sexual pose. This time I saw me as everyone else would see me. Fully clothed and conservative. This is the first time I have truly seen myself as attractive and liked it. I took some pics on my phone...

This is a milestone for me! I'm coming out of my insecure self and becoming a confident man. I even asked my pastor this question. "If I told you I had problems with self esteem, would you believe me?" He said he knew that way before I told him. Way before I was a member of his church. He said I try to hide it and I do a very good job. He went on to further say that God told him to watch over me because of this! 2 years ago! Ummm hello! I'm gonna need God and my pastor to stop talkin behind my back!

My Sunday is long, aint it? lol I wanted to go out to this lounge in Newark. I don't know the name, but it's on Williams St., downtown. I wanted to go with this guy I wanted to chill with on friday night. He felt bad that he's missed both of my parties, and 2 chill nights. So he offered to drive to NY to Esqualitas. Princess Janee was hosting a diva search. It was nice. What I didn't mention is that my jacket was stolen, and I got 3 tickets. @ on the way to Orange and came back to Orange to find a parking ticket. Needless to say my black ass will stay out of Orange! But the guy was cute, fun and a great time. By no means a date but two guys having fun. I'm glad that I didn't allow the first two tickets to get me down... That would of been the old fuzzy for sure. Getting depressed at the very most minor thing possible! I am changing for the better!


Monday- I really don't wish to talk about today much. I paid 2 months of rent this afternoon. I wanna say I'm sorry to a friend(s) of mine. I thought I was clear with my intentions to pay you back. I thought you understood where I was coming from. I thought saw my situation. I thought you wouldn't let this come between us. It has. I'm sorry. I never meant to take advantage of you. I never meant to take this long to pay you back. I have been busting my back for the last two weeks trying to play catch-up with everything. Working extended work weeks. Falling asleep at work, barely functioning, going sleepless nights, I thought you would see that. I said that I was paying everybody back in a previous post. I just am waiting to see the fruits of my labor. I try to be a man of my word. What I say I try to make true on! I do my best. Apparently that wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry. You'll have your money in two weeks! Again I'm sorry...

My weekend ended on Monday, at 1:55pm. "You can keep the attitude Daniel..." My weekend ended on a horrible note (text message).

An Update!

I would say, to me, this would be more of my more important but seemingly more meaningless posts. I don't know, but I just felt the need to note my progress. There have been a few things that have been going on in my life that I haven't mentioned, outside of my emotional being.

As of August 28, 2008, I have been employed for Kohl's Department Stores. The significance of this, is a few-fold. My goal for the latter end of 2008 is to have two jobs. I have set financial goals ahead of me that, must be accomplished before the ball drops. Paying off my car, paying money back to the people that helped me out when I was struggling, getting my car fixed and ready for the winter and more.

How I got the job was, in itself, a blessing. I applied online 2 times, for 4 positions. I never received a call back. I was wondering why I never got call backs, hmmm. Mrs. Bitch's husband got called for an interview. Hmmm again! I was feeling a sort of way. I mean really! How do I have so much retail experience and not at least get a call! Moving on, I had to take him to his interview. I get there and they ask me if I was a walk-in. I thought this is my chance to get my foot in there. I did more than get my foot in that day! Not only was I offered a job, but I was offered a job that was not to be filled by a New Hiree. I was hired as the Ad Set Supervisor! That's more money! :)

Not only was I blessed with a job, but a part-time job, with much needed benefits, that works with my school schedule and my job working as a substitute teacher. This was like a perfect fit for me! To think if I had of wallowed in my ways and never took the guy to his interview, I would of not been placed in a position for my blessing!

I paid 2 months of my car note. That's a big deal! It was 5 times more than my cell phone bill I talked about in one of my previous posts. I'm on my way to correcting my finances. I'm so ecstatic that I'm really doing this and making this work for myself.

I opened another bank account, one that I think I should close now, at Bank of America. These damned fees are nothing to play with. I'm so serious with that! They charged me $2.00 for using a free ATM! I mean come on now! I do like the "Keep the Change" that saves all of my spare change for me. That's the only perk I can see of right now.

I dropped my car off to the mechanic to get an estimate for a few things. I need to know how much I need to be trying to put on the side. I set a time frame by the 2ND week of November to have these things fixed. What all needs to be done:

1. Wheel alignment
2. Passenger door handle
3. Driver inside door handle
4. Driver window
5. Molding on the convertible top around the driver window
6. Door guards on both passenger and driver door
7. Car radio
8. Wheels

I estimate this to cost about $1000. I hope his estimate doesn't go over mine and, preferably, stays below that amount.

I'm so tired these days. My schedule is not structured at all. I work in the mornings and get off at 2:30 or 3pm on some days. Then, on other days I have off. I work from about 6pm until about 1am some days and some days start as early as 5pm and end at 6 or 7am. Then my day starts over again. It's the price I pay to get what I want. I want less bills, this is how I chose to do it right now. I just find it hard to stay awake at times. Like now! lol I apologize that I haven't read many blogs. This is the reason why. I just can't fall into the mode of reading. My off time is spent at church or in the bed!

I am happier than I was yesterday. I'm just going to leave it like that with no details. As long as I am making progress that is all that needs to be noted.

I've started a scheduled workout plan. It is only me waking up an hour early and coming to the High School, where I work at, to exercise with the JROTC cadets. They do jumping jacks like maniacs! Push ups in two counts totaling about 150 total push ups a day. Also included are leg lifts, stretches, thrusts, mountain climbers, what they call raising your arms at shoulder length and moving them in a circular motion. I got my shape from JROTC when I was in it 5 years ago. I am hoping that I can tone my body using the same exercises. It shouldn't take long. I feel the tightness, now I am waiting to see the results bulge through! :)

Kohl's Gave me an Outstanding Achievement award for working the most weird shifts, saying yes to whenever asked and displaying the most energy and enthusiasm about the job. I have a special parking spot for the month of October and a nice certificate! Y'all know I was cheesin! :-D That really made my night!

I think I have typed enough. Plus, I think this is all that I have to update on anyway! lol I will try to make my way around to visit your blogs in between naps and jobs. Thank you for being considerate and hopefully understanding.

Where Are My Readers? I'll see...

What do you do when you...?
What do you say when...?
How do you handle...?
How can you move on?

I just sit in a space, in a spot wondering when the time will come when it is my time. It seems that everyone has their paths, their projected or prospected paths, or have at one time or another had a path. I want to be there. I get so pissed when people say it will come in time. I dip into depression when people say to wait! I have had what I wanted and needed right in front of me twice, but I believe I have ruined my chance at happiness on both occasions! Sigh and i think a tear too...

It may seem like I'm going off on a tangent, but I paid my cell phone bill on the 19Th. For those, most of you that don't know I haven't paid a bill since august. Not a one! I have been down, depressed and outright bothered by my pride as a man. I look at myself as always being able to make it and bounce back from any situation. I would run to my brother for help and I knew he had my back. I didn't want help this time. So, I didn't pay rent, car bills and phone bill. I believed that I would make it through. I've gotten 2 checks that have been humorous! I kept believing! So, on Friday, on my third check from my second job, I paid my cell phone bill. I felt so excited. I felt confident! I lost my confidence a very long time ago. I was unsure of my own validity as a man. I walked with my head down and sat slouched in chairs. Nobody could understand! I have made my first step towards success! I found some confidence and I want more.

All of that to say the following. I want to be happy! I want to make someone happy! I have done the beginning steps and some of the middle steps in getting myself together. I realize more and more how I operate. I realize more and more who I am. I am fooling myself if I continue to think that I have to know myself completely before I can begin to go after my dreams and goals in life. What is wrong with coming into one's self while spending your life with someone? That may be a great way to come into knowledge, when both people can share in the experience!

At the risk of going off on another tangent, is it possible to have two soul mates at the same time? Is it possible for you to have a soul mate for a prospected life and another for a different type of projected life? You ever held on to a dream and had everything you wanted but were confused about EVERYTHING? Then you go down another road and find you still have everything with another person? How do you handle that? How do you choose? How can you be comfortable knowing that each choice is an equal one? I feel like I'm rambling but making sense, and making a point, at the same time!

Let me go back to the beginning! What do you do when your heart has a hold of someone and won't let go? What do you do when your heart is reaching out towards to people? I might push some buttons, but I honestly believe in the probable fact of me loving two people!

What do you say when you can't say anything? I don't mean like blow away can't speak. I mean you are willing and able to speak but can't find the words. The fear and nervousness takes over and you literally can't say a word, speak your mind, or say anything productive.

I'm gonna take it straight Donnie on this one! How do you handle the guilt of your past? Can someone please tell me how do you deal with the shame? How do you handle your heart when it had been handled so many times? Not necessarily mistreated, just handled. I don't to be handled more that I need to be anymore. I want the next one to be soooo serious that It knocks me off my feet. I can't handle any more heart handling. I put my heart into everything, into work, life, friendships and on occasion, prospects! My heart is on my shirt and my only shield is my two hands. They are not doing a good job and I am injured.

What do you say when you've said all you can say and it is not enough? What do you say when you've been nothing but honest and you come up with the shitty stick? I'm gonna be real, because real is what real gets! (so I'm told) I go through my days being honest, sometimes even brutally honest and I just can't deal with ignorance that you get when you're honest. They ignore whatever you want and have made known and try to turn you into whatever they want you to be! Or, if you're not what they wished you to be they catch feelings and put your business on the street like bad garbage on trash day! Just stinkin up the neighborhood!

You should know that my thoughts came out like this after some bazaar game of questions. Shawn, Twin, X, Myself and a few others were engaged. I was sooo clearly and purposely inebriated and felt like expressing all of this after people left. I really don't expect many to read all of this, and I expect fewer to actually comment on it. I just needed to get this out. It's not out of my system, just in the atmosphere. Yea, its random! Yea, it may be repetitive! Yea, it might even be boring! Its whatever, because i just feel like crying right now and right after this sentence i will start...

Where Do We Put the Line?

Someone told me the other day that he was looking to date someone. Another friend of mine told me that he had a relationship with someone. My coworker told me that she seeing this guy, but this was her fiance! They all seemed like the same thing to me. The situations and the circumstances surrounding each of them were alike. I'm not going to even go on this whole friends with benefits thing! You know what, I just might! I really would like to know where is the line drawn between them!

I would view friendship as someone who thoughts may be communicated with, time shared, and moments spent. These things would not be on the level of intimacy. There no set commitment to each other, only time that one feels necessary to keep a friendship stable and healthy.

Seeing someone would be a friendship that you have prospects for more. I believe that you are more open emotionally towards this person and there is a greater level of interest building to intimacy here. You want that sign that you can pursue them. The motive if this would be to see if you can go further on to the next stage. I would say that stage is dating!

Dating would be two people coming together in efforts to spend time together. The purpose for getting to know each other. The intimacy level is increased and you see the person for what they are more and more. What they enjoy, what they desire. One would be qualifying the other, or each other, to see if a relationship is possible between the two. They seek compatibility. I would say at this point there is still no commitment because you are still in the learning process of determining whether you want to commit yourself!

I have seen many people date multiple people at the same time, "playing the field" if you will! Some say its healthy because you are not limiting yourself. I believe its not healthy because you can't focus a good amount of time on one person. You can't spread yourself out and effectively get to know everybody deeply if you're dating 10 people! Seriously, come on now! We have all done it in some way, shape or form. Is it right? I'll leave that up to you. Not going to judge anyone!

Then there would be the relationship stage. The commitment would enter here, or it should! Some people call themselves in a committed relationship and are actively seeing/dating/ having other relationships. To each is their own I suppose. Not judging there either. We all have our demons we have to deal with! Here is where intimacy would be at its peak! Someone told me that would intimacy means "in to me see". It sounds cheesy, but its quite relative. When you're intimate with someone, it doesn't mean that you are having sex. You are opening yourself up to someone. You are exposing a great deal of yourself leaving you vulnerable. That is why you are in a committed state because of the trust level with your partner.

I would say there are to stages that I don't quite know if should be included and where they would go if I would include them. That would be "friends with benefits" or "open relationships". I think we all what these are and what all they entail. These are stages for the "have your cake and eat it too" people. lol Is it fair? Is it logical? One could argue that if it works for them, fine! I'm not sure how to view it. I might of considered myself a part of this group, but I could consider myself as trying to stay far away from this group. I feel it doesn't build anything lasting and permanent. That's just my words.

Did I place the line in the correct places? Would you you have anything to add, subtract? Does it matter?

Pat On My Back!

Faced with a decision and being able to look back on it and say that I thought about it. I have a track record of doing things and acting on impulse and thinking about what I did afterwards. I am proud to say I thought about a decision I was about to make, as well as words I was about to say.

I see this as a positive result and evidence of change! I am making progress and I am Happy!

I'm Tired...

What can separate me from my blanky? (Don't try me!)

I need 3 hours, at least! I won't get it, SIGH!

A Breath of Fresh Air

I may have woke up late this morning! I may be at work with no lunch. I may still be tired, but when I walked out the door this morning, I took a breath of fresh air!

I really got no sleep due to people calling me at ridiculous hours in the morning, pissing me off time after time! I got my call to come in to sub-teach, without any difficulties, and I rolled over. I woke up 40 minutes late! I had a clever excuse so I wouldn't get in trouble, but I'm not going to make a habit of this!

I want to change my image. I want to make me look better. I want to be better. Yesterday, in more than one aspect, I took a shower. By the time I closed my eyes last night, I felt cleaner than when I entered the day. In reference to the previous post, I'm still looking for my clothes. I haven't found the perfect outfit to make me grown and sexy. Doesn't look like what's in my closet is old and not fitting me the way it once did. I may have to throw on a robe and go shopping! Let me stop with the metaphors before I confuse myself! lol

I came online to say I got a breath of fresh air!

Spotlight!

Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight

I have liked this video since I first saw it. I liked the words of the song but never knew the words. Today, I took the time to analyze the video and the lyrics to the song.

I believe that I'm not the guy that Jennifer is talking about, nor would I place myself in her shoes. She feels locked down and doesn't want to be imprisoned to someone who is holding her down; holding her back. She wants the real thing. She wants that equal give and take. She wants true love and wants to break loose of her current bondage to her current situation.

I can't blame her really! Who doesn't want the great experience of pure love? Who wants to be held back from their full potential? I'd rather have someone that will bring it out of me. To make me shine! That someone that views me as worthy and me the same of them!

The difference between her and I is she decided to go out at the end of the video. She is ready to make her change happen. I've been sitting inside contemplating. Questioning myself, when I do go out, what would I be looking for. Lets say for now I've taken my shower and dried off. the next step is getting dressed. I wonder how long that will take!

I've been reading!

I couldn't comment! I wanted to, but I couldn't! It didn't seem fair to you. Whenever I open my mouth to you I seem to aggrivate you, so I publish my comment for you here. I have been reading, always have and as long as my eyes work, I always will!

The breakup video, made me cry for 2 days straight!

Your "black&blue" post saddened me! I wanted to tell you I wanted you to be yellow-orange! A bursting beam of sunshine. You always were so bright and so vibrant! I wanted you to be like that all over again!

The pink video had an ironic feeling to it! I found you all in the video. I identified the emotions you named and more.

It's funny that you didn't know if I still read your blog! It's a GREAT blog, why would I stop? I just didn't comment! Its interesting that I started this post 3 posts before you mentioned that! As for the boot thing, I was wondering what you were talking about. It was real cool seeing you at the beach with a smile on your face! I'm happy for you enjoying yourself! I do care about you and I will always lend a helping hand when I can.

Brandy's video inspired a Mornin Manna text and a post as well! Thanks!

Not exactly what I had hoped to read when I saw the post "Moving On" but wow. I've never worried about your job situation because you have always had so many back up plans. This is probably the reason you're not worried. You have plenty of arms and helping hands around you. I don't wish to be intrusive, nor do I want to overstep any personal boundaries, but I'm here to help in anyway that I can.

Remember, I HAVE been reading!