2010 at a Glance

I want to be able to take advantage of my time, using my days, months and years to the best of my ability. I've recently limited my outings to beaches, movies, and restaurants. I'm going to be doing things quite different this year. The only thing I want to accomplish this year is 1 thing from this list:

• Traveling outside of the continental US (Hawaii will not be eligible)
• Go camping (pitch a tent, deal with nature and build a fire type of outing)
• Kayaking (been trying to do this for like 2 years or more)
• Visit a southern state and stay there for a week (Florida, Louisiana, Georgia, Texas or California)
• Go on a cruise
• Go on a random road trip
• Maybe skiing for the winter months

Quite frankly, I'm tired of staying in this boring state of NJ. I'm tired of doing the same ol things. I am frequently held back by friends with reservations and inhibitions. I can't do that this year. I'm gonna do me. If you wanna join in then fine. If not, then fine. I hope to do more than 1 item on the list, but my goal is to do at least 1. I'm open for anyone who may want to tag along and participate.

Just Keep Wondering...

I tasted and now I see

Back in 2005, I had not yet experienced love from anyone other than a family member. I've experienced affection and attention, but not love. I searched it out and could not find it for the majority of time that I looked. Consequently, I stopped looking and gave up on finding it. I thought to myself I'll just stick to having sex and trying to meet and make friends. Then, I met Shawn.

Shawn was someone I met with the purpose of being a friend. I have no clue what happened to change that, but I can confidently say that after I met him and saw him for who he was I wanted more than a friendship. I got such. We entered into a relationship and we built something that was brand new to me. I had never experienced such a connection to someone. It grew into love and I was really feeling it. Brand new love, dare I say virgin love. Unfortunately, things did not work out they way we wanted them to, nor how they should of worked out and we broke up.

I didn't miss what I never had, I just wanted to see what it was all about. Now, that I have tasted love and experienced it's majesty, I'm yearning for it like Whitney did to those blunts she instructed Oprah on how to roll! It was so cool to have that connection. To have someone do things for you, with you, to you just because. To have someone to reciprocate the same with was monumental in my life. It was mind blowing. At the moment, I don't have it.

I find myself trying to recreate the feeling that I once had. I look for possibilities of the feeling blossoming once again. It hasn't. I really feel like I did right before I met Shawn, like it wasn't going to happen. This time, instead of nonchalantly missing it, I'm painfully missing it. I know how it effects me. I know how to cherish it now. I can appreciate it, but it's gone. I've tasted love and now I see how wonderful it can be, but I've lost it and can't seem to find it again.

Just Keep Wondering...

:(

Unstable, emotional, nervy, unpredictable, through, tired, exhausted, and broken. I deleted my online accounts...

Valentine? Eh Maybe...

What makes a Valentine? What does a Valentine do? Is there a certain responsibility a Valentine should uphold?

I got 2 guys that wanna be my Valentine and I'm unsure which one I should choose if I should choose any. Can I please get some feedback?

I Remember Rondelle

In my not so distant past, I was seeing someone. This person, this guy, is the one who have me the illness God said would only be for a moment. I was seeing him and he was my one and only. I met his family, mom aunt, cousin and son. His mother was his actual aunt and his actual mom was someone on the sidelines. The cousin doesn't really matter to me, but his son has significant value. Rondelle was his name.

Rondelle was one of those 12 year old boys that grew up in the hood that you could tell didn't belong. His actions would tell you he didn't wanna be there. His escape from reality was soul caliber and Mario games. He would zone everything out and be in his personal fantasy land. Who would blame him? His dad was handling, and his mom was using. They were drive by parents and babysitters most of the time.

I came on the scene in may, 2005. It took me all of a couple of weeks to determine I had interest in the guy and about the same to grow attached to Rondelle. I felt compelled to show him more of the world outside of this hoodbooger infested neighborhood. I took him to this museum in the NYC. Idk which one, I walked by it one day, remembered where it was and it was free. I said free let's try it out. One of the few times I went to a museum and enjoyed it because his face completely lit up with intrigue, interest and marvel. I took him to my fam cookout and he had a ball wit my family. There was so much this boy had not experienced. I really bled internally for him. I thought about how I missed out, but he didn't even have what I had.

Time passed and the guy and I stopped seeing each other after my mother passed. I fell into my depression missin momma and did some things I should not have done. We lost contact with guy and his son. Never saw him since. I ran into his aunt, "mom", at a bodega one day and asked why I stopped coming around. When I stopped guy started doing wild things and Rondelle still asks about you. I wore a stunned look. I didn't quite understand. We walked from the store back to my car and she explained how Rondelle said he liked you and said he told her all you did for him. She thanked me for being a positive male figure for him because it changed him and gave him hope. I was taken back. I was not trying to turn a stone in his life, but more wanted to show him something he'd never seen.

I thought about Rondelle this morning. I woke up and he was on my mind. I hope he's okay and well. I hope his parents got themselves together. I doubt it, but hope is all I have. I remember Rondelle

Just Keep Wondering...

Here We Go

Portrait - Here We Go Again


Seems like this feeling is coming buy too frequently for my taste. It's leaving a nasty reminisce behind and I'm not feelin that at all. I'm kinda hoping that infatuation has be seeing something that's not there. I'm hoping that something is wrong that will reveal itself through time, and not a long time either. Do I sound a lil pessimistic? I'll answer that one, YUP! I'm over getting hopes up and building a fantasy future based on weak assumptions. I'm jaded by my recent run-ins and past dating experiences. I'm not trying to dive into anything holding my heart in front of me. Nahhh, I'm done with that. I'll be on guard. I'll be watching for every lil thing that might eliminate you. I'm not goin thru another cycle of cryin on the futon, sittin in the dark beat over some guy that I wanted to give my all to.

Some of you might be saying, "didn't he just say that he isn't going to be lookin for relationships anymore?" Yea I did just get finished saying that. Also, with my dealings, whenever I give up hope of happiness, it comes along and smacks me in my face. I have no clue why destiny likes to play cruel jokes on me, but I stopped trying to figure out my destiny in some aspects and said I'm just gonna let it ride. I'll take what seems nice and go from there.

Enter the lawyer... This has so many X's on it its not even funny! I'm open to seeing where it might go. I like his drive and his personality. When I gave him a bio of myself, there was a silence on the line. "hello... are you there?" Y'all know that T-Mobile service is horrible! I was checking to make sure I was still on the call, lol. He was there. I asked him what the silence was about and he stated that you sound like the perfect dude for me. I don't especially like when people call me perfect for them. It makes me think they are desperate or very clingy or something. I made a mental note and kept the convo moving. In another convo, he gave me his brief bio and ironically enough, I was feelin the exact same way. I thought to myself, this is too good to be true. I been here before and seen this gift before. It stings, Its a rude and bland joke that leaves me on the side of the road wondering why I even bothered.

My experiences tell me to move on. My open mind tells me to give him a chance and not to judge him by mistakes made by others and you with others. I feel like I'm about to be taken for a mean roller coaster ride and I'm not going to enjoy the trip. Usually with roller coasters, despite how off it may look, you still gonna get on. Intrigue gets you on the line. Excitement puts you in the seat. Interest keeps you riding. I think I'm about to get on line. Here we go!

Just Keep Wondering...

Potty Mouth

One of the things I always say I would like to accomplish is to improve myself. With my recent level of activity in the church, I've been feeling a lil bad when I use cuss words. I never was one to cuss before, and I even sound a lil bit awkward when I cuss. I decided to take it one day at a time consciously monitoring what I say in efforts not to cuss. As of right now, It has been 2 days and I'm going strong! There have been some close calls. Like when that cop pulled me over. Or when I wanted to sing along to this song that came onto my IPOD, Party and Bullsh!t. I wanna really take this seriously.

To all of my close friends, I can't tell you to curb your language use, but can you keep in mind when you're around me that I am trying to better myself? Don't contribute to some one's failure, help them to do better! Thanks!

Just Keep Wondering...

What's The Difference?

I've heard this from one too many people and quite frankly it is becoming way to old. I thought on what actually was being said, "You can't meet anyone of quality on those sites, you need to mix and mingle in person", and I really didn't see a major difference.

When you look at the many popular different social sites there are, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blogs, BGC, most people have had a membership on something. I started out on myspace. I met a couple people on myspace and That didn't work out. I migrated to the sex and dating sites. It didn't go exceptionally well. Then I had a twitter page and on the few times I logged on, I seemed to attract some crazies that wanted a lil bit of fuzzy! Facebook has started its decline. My point is that people are tied to their computers and have had some sort of membership to an online social network.

When I go to various clubs in NY, NJ, and on the few instances Philly, I can't help but run unto faces that I've seen online. I go to gatherings at people's houses and I run into people I've seen online. I go to social outings, beaches and public events and I run into people I've seen online. I've gone to work and I've run into people I've seen online! So, if I'm not having much luck online, how much greater of a success rate am I going to have when the same people I see online are going to be the same people that I'm going to be running into in person? I mean really? What's the difference?

I just had to put that out there. I don't know exactly why that was bothering me the way that it was but it's my blog and I wanted to unload that from my mind.

Just Keep Wondering...