Week 1, I Can't Believe It!

August 2-9

I guess I should start on Saturday, since this all started on Saturday! Breath in, exhale! Here we go...

Saturday: It began as a pretty normal day. I spent the night over Twin's house and left for rehearsal that afternoon. It was a good rehearsal. We went through a good number of songs. I came to Shawn's place. I wanted to chill at Twin's that afternoon. He said we're waiting for Omar. He's always running late for some reason or another. It bugs Shawn and myself but whatever! Fast forward, events came to pass, words were exchanged and I was asked to leave. @-( <---upset face! I went to twins house and cried and poured out. Then went to Greg's to his first get together. I got really tipsy, but was able to drive home at like 6am. Y'all know I gotta be at church early!

Sunday: Reggie and I went to Riis Beach. Pride events were canceled but Reggie still wanted to go and needed a ride. I didn't wanna lay around doing anything. So there we went! I sat there and was sooo uncomfortable. I just wanted Shawn there. I was so used to Shawn being there. He wasn't. I felt naked as I sat there with my capris and shirt on. I tried to remain in high spirits but I had a feeling that my emotions were still seeping through the pores on my face. Then it started to rain. It was like the ocean was in a glass and it was poured on us, lol! The beach emptied like a crowded Popeye's that sold out of chicken! I hope nobody fell, cause they would of gotten their behinds trampled! On the way home we stopped by Dunkin Donuts to see a friend of Reggie's. Here is when the fun started!

Monday: I'm gonna start this day around 11ish on Sunday night! We were at Dunkin Donuts and talking with this guy. He was obviously gay, with his vans, his switch, and his stereotypically gay diction. He asked us if we could help him. He gave me 2 Ice Coffees, so I felt somewhat obligated. Reggie helped at the latter part. We made the bagels, set up the arrangement where all of the things went so customers could see, swept and mopped, and cleaned the tables. I came home and slept. I find out that this guy has a huge crush on me. More than a crush! He wants to hold me down for real for real. NO NO BOO BOO! The free donuts, and other stuff, was nice, but I can leave it behind if it's leading to any confusion with him thinking that him and I will be some kind of quick match up! lol Later on was my interview at the Hilton! I think it went well. I went in there confident and knowledgeable on what I was talking about. I impressed the human resources lady, Darien, but I could tell that I wasn't having such a good time with the Front Desk Manager. I still believe it went really well. After I got out of the interview, I got a phone call. Heart beating, sweating, trembling and preparing for the worst. The result came... I'm single! I can't believe it! I sat and I thought. Then I cried and stared. I was single... AGAIN!

Tuesday: I had an interview at this place called Boulevard 572, its in Kenilworth. It was at 12, I wanted to be early, so I showed at 11:45. I walked in and the guy was on the phone. Ten minutes later, he brings me into the dining room and asks me a few questions. I give him a few answers! He likes the feel of me and he asks if I could come in on Friday for a tasting at 3pm. I said sure! Why not? He said we would discuss schedule and pay and other specifics afterwards. I don't remember what happened that day, but that night I went back to Dunkin Donuts!

Wednesday: I sat there at Dunkin Donuts. I was going over in my mind why I was there in the first place! I didn't like this boy a bit. Not a bit! I think I just wanted someone to talk to! He listened. I was happy. I ended up doing more work. I was thinking I need to be on payroll for this! I did it because I was bored and I was having trouble sleeping. I hadn't slept well in two days and I couldn't really understand why. I have never had much trouble falling asleep. Even the week prior, I would wake up in nightmares sweating. I could never remember what the dream was about. Anyway, I took my donuts and sandwich and I came home and fell asleep.

Thursday: Reggie and I went looking for underwear. I was in a carefree mode and knew I shouldn't be spending money but I was beginning to feel lonely. People do weird things when they feel lonely. We went to a few places looking for some swim trunks for the Blackout Beach function at Fire Island. Store after store and nothing. We were at the point where we gave up, and we did. We were in search of someplace to go. We both had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Next destination, Twin's place! I noticed that Shawn texted me telling me he was home so I could bring his chair. I dropped off his chair and grabbed my paring knife that I would need on tomorrow's chef test. We got to Twins and watched TV.

Friday: After leaving Twins house, early in the AM, we went to Dunkin Donuts with a mission to get free goodies for the beach for Saturday. Mission Accomplished! We leave and I drop him off at a place to do his business. I leave and get home and cried. I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to be with. Nobody to hold. Just alone. I fell asleep wanting and desiring something holding a pillow. I woke early in anticipation of this chef test and this opening to be at 3. I was nervous. I get there and was still all over the map! My nerves was just shot and I was apt to cut myself at any given moment. I realized this and thought to myself, "whatever will happen will happen." I calmed down and was able to do what I needed to do. At the end of the night, I was offered the job. I had passed the test! GREAT! I had a job! I wasn't quite satisfied. It wasn't fulfilling my requirements for a job. It would take me out of church activities everyday during the week, not acceptable! I told him I would think about it. (I never got back to him)

Saturday: I had a boy over. So soon? It hasn't even been a week! He was country as hell. He said he was from the south somewhere, I couldn't remember exactly where. Well, anyway, he wanted a massage I gave him one (full body at that)! I was happy that I had someone to talk to. We watched the the 3rd Trois movie. I was holding him on the futon, laying down, and noticed he was turned on. We grinded, tossed and turned. All I could think about was how good he looked and how he wasn't Shawn. He left very satisfied and I was left in thought. I was horny yes, but tossed in a pool of memories. I really messed up! It is what it is. I miss Shawn. Alot! At least Shawn never left his stinch behind! :-(

After many roadblocks, figurative not literal, Reggie and I got to the beach. I saw Shawn and I panicked. I thought, "What is he thinking? Is he thinking about me? What if he sees someone he likes and tries to talk to him? He looks sooo sexy!" I walked away. I had to gather myself. I used the Deodorant as an excuse to walk away. It was chilly and I wanted to be warm, the only thing I could think of was how he used to hold me. I really messed up. I never knew breakups was sooo bad!