I call this post double minded for a reason. I would say this post would be focused around relationships, or lack thereof. My blogger friends from Far Far Away have been in talks with me and, through working on myself in my spare time, I can say that I'm not sure. I'll get into that in a bit...
I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.
I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...
I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.
I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...
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I have deleted all of my naked pics. yea I know that's like a million, but I haven't had any naked pics for awhile. I stumbled upon a few that were stored in another folder that were cute, I kept those! lol. Anyway, I am on BGC. I get hit up left and right with people that are interested in tryin to sex me, and trying to be my next Boo! I have given all of them a long ass string and haven't pulled on any of them. I would say that I want to date someone again. I want to be in someone's company and have all of their attention on me. I have plenty upon plenty to allow to take me out! They all are still waiting. I don't want to lead them on, but I get so lonely at night. I don't have a text buddy I can run to. I have nobody. Or do i?
I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!
There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...
I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!
I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!
There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...
I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!
Current State: Living A Double Minded Front!
15 thoughts:
Okay - so this is a very honest post...like for real. Thanks for being open and honest - although I believe this post was more for you than any of us.
In regards to Shawn - it's a healing process. As much as I wanted you two guys to work it out, it may just be the end of your run. That's okay. It's not a big deal - right? With anything, the more you do it - the easier it becomes. Take time to grieve over the loss of a great relationship, then get back up and get back in line. You know enough inspirational scriptures to teach vacation bible school for 3 years. Rely on what you know!
Keep looking deep within who Fuzzy really is. I have a feeling you're going to come out better and stronger. Before you know it - you'll be new and improved...you'll be better, you'll feel better, and you'll make better decisions. But you have to do this just like you eat an elephant...one bite at a time!
Stay Encouraged,
-DTW
I agree with darius. You will be able to move on. I don't know the reason that you and Shawn aren't together but there's a reason for it. Cherish the friendship that you have or could have with him and look for the good things in him, in your next love interest.
I know moving on is clearlyh a bitch...trust me I know its hard to move on when u r n love wit someone...I know it sux but in time it'll get better....u know im always here...jus like ur there lol...I really don't know wut else to say but u know twin got a ear
i commented on this post and my wireless card messed up!!! ugh
the way you feel about shawn is normal, we all fool our selves, we all pretend to be okay, knowing deep down inside things are not alright. I say start getting out meeting some of these new people who are interested in you and soon shawn will be a faded memory!
have a great weekend. :)
It tough when you are trying to work the middle. Give yourself some time
Okay, this was a great and extremely honest post, but I got to say this. How come when you said J. Holiday I thought you were talking about Jennifer Holiday? Seriously, how old am I? LOL. And then, even when I was playing it, I was still like, "this isn't Jennifer Holiday...hummm, maybe this guy is featured on the song with her or something." Then when I heard the hook I was like, oh...."J" Holiday. Oh, right. I know who that is too. LOL
Okay, I am so embarrassed right now. I am going to get dressed now and take my slow ass to work.
..move on !
all things in time.
*hugs*
*hugs*
1 constant in life is change. We will always evolve. Things didn't work out between you and Shawn, that's an unfortunate situation, but you have the right to feel lost and lonely and any other emotion while going thru the process of grieving that which was lost.
Don't let the sorrow consume you. At some point you will need to pick yourself up by your boot straps, and come to terms with the decisions that were made and move forward with life.
A double minded man is unstable in all of his ways! James 1:8
You should know this fuzzy. I have been away for awhile but I should slap you for feeling like this. You have got to make a decision. You need to choose which way you will go and be happy with your decision. Being in this limbo that you're in is not healthy.
I do understand you, in a way. I feel the spot that you're in and it doesn't feel right. It leaves this uneasy feeling that you just can't shake. Sooner or later things get better.
One luv man, keep ya head up and stop listening to those songs that take you back to that place of desire; the place that generates an awe type of feeling. You said it best, "Easy On My Ears"!!!
It's all about what you want to do. You know that. In time, you'll figure out what you're willing to compromise for: a friendship or a relationship.
And what the hell is a BGC? I've seen that mentioned before. Am I out of the loop?
That double minded comment got to me early this mornin so you know mr. raw thoughts. I liked it so much I used it in my mornin text!
I don't see how one comes into this knowledge of what one wants. It seems to change so often. We want one thing one moment, but then turn around and we'll want another thing later! Orrrrr is this just me?
Hey Baby,
Me and Mabel is back on the scene with the gangsta lean. While more like the crip walk. Anyways be sure to read what's going on in our lives on our blog.
Now about the thangs you were talking about I can't say I feels your pain cause I've had to grieve losing my ex husbands on a different level. They all died and left me insurance money so I got over it a little easier. You might wanna do what I always do when I lose a man I love. I takes my best friend Mabel to Vegas and we hits the slot machine until the pain goes away. Baby let me know if you wanna plan a trip to Vegas when I get out of the pen. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
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