It's Party Time

Yea, it's that time. this is going to be my actual Christmas. This is the day of my Party. the reason my cheer took an overdose last week! I'm just stoked... There aren't many words that can describe how I feel right now. I'm hoping the expected people show and the unexpected ones that show don't act a damn fool!

So far on the Menu, Collards, Mac n Cheese, Some sorta pasta concoction, Jerk Fried Chicken, Chicken Cacciatore, Sweet potato pie, cookies, ice cream, veggie platter, and the list is growing. I love food and cooking the food. I like to go all out and sit back and see the joyful faces...

Hopefully all that said would come will come. It will be a good turnout I'm sure... Let the partying BEGIN!!!

Just Keep Wondering...

Merry Christmas To ALL

i just want to take the time out to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope you all have loving and warm people to spend your holiday with. It is a time to share thanks, love, concern and good times with people that mean much to you and you to them. I encourage you to flock together with ones that have that special good cheer to them and be happy on this very special day. I mean if it wasn't for Christ, there wouldn't be any Christmas! Again, I wish you a

VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Random Rant...

• I had a friend stop by my job on Monday night. The first time that Someone ever stopped by to see me at work. It was cool!


• Death is in the air, and friends of close friends are dying left and right. I can't help but think who's next!


• I really wanna have a date for my party on Saturday. Someone I can meet and vibe with before Friday and have an established connection for Saturday. While I have 2 in mind, idk if any of them will work out as effective dates!


• Eric called me wanting to see what I was up to. I told him that I was going to meet someone and go on a date. He wished me luck and later asked how the date went. I was shaky in the response. He replied with things get better, don't give up hope! It made me smile!


• I really wish the school had not have blocked the blogs of people. It took up much of my time while I was at work. I just can't get into reading blogs at home.


• I got a great deal at my job on a programmable coffee maker and a crock pot. all together with the taxes, $19.99!


• When it feels as though I'm being pressured into doing something, even if I wanna do it, I wont do it because of the pressure.


• I dreamed about Steven Monday night. It was a nice dream to say the least!


• You would think because NJ people see snow more often than many parts of the united states, they'd know how to drive in it!


• It took me over 4 hours to finish this post, but wait... I'm still not done!
  
• After months and months, I've finally got my maintenance people to come and finish some much needed work on my apartment.
  
• Thinkin I need to decorate more for this party besides the tree. I'm not tryin to have alla these decorations and have to take all of them down. Them suckas will stay up till next Christmas!
  
• Steven called me while I was driving home on Tuesday to say that he missed my voice and he wanted to hear it. He said he was real busy at work and needed a boost to get through the day! :) Gullible much? YUP! Liking the flattery? Of course!

I think I'll end here.

Just Keep Wondering...

Jealousy

I never thought that I'd be writing this post about my brother, Darnell. I always talk about my oldest brother from my mom, Patrick, but never speak of my next oldest brother. He's 31 years old. He was born with a mental disability. Not a major one but he was just a lil slow at learning. Took him awhile to write and read but he learned. Took him awhile to gain street smarts but he did. He was just a bit slower than everyone else.

Patrick and I always thought that I would find a wife before he would. Find a successful career before he would. Even down to starting a family before he would. As time goes on, he's finished before me. He has many of the things I want. A wife, (companion, lover or life partner respects to me), a job making enough to support him and his family, and as of yesterday, I found out that he is having his first biological baby. I was happy for him when he told me, But I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that he was doing everything that I wanted to do. Getting everything I wanted to have. I'm just in my apartment expressing to unknown readers my jealousy.

As often as a particular friend of mine tells me to never give up on my dreams. He tells me that they are just on their way. i try to be patient but that feeling of inadequacy is overwhelming at times. That feeling of a nobody comes up at times. That empty feeling takes a seat and I have trouble ushering her out the door. I want like everybody else wants. I need like everybody else needs. I could be so focused on me that I fail to see that I am just like so many other people and belong to a sea of like minnows. In my eyes I'm the only fish in my sea of despair.

I'm jealous of my brother. I'm happy for him at the same time. I'm dealing wit this at the wrong time of year. Dayum... I wish it was springtime already!

Just Keep Wondering...

Ever Felt This Way...

... like you've changed yourself so much? Like you've given up so much?
Yet you still don't get what you've worked so hard for?
Sometimes I just don't understand why...

I became the man you said you wanted.
I gave you my all, I tried my best.
It wasn't enough.
Or was it?

Just Keep Wondering...

Steven

One thing that I said I'd never do was date someone that was in another state, despite how close the state was. Some guy came in under the radar and suckered me in with his personality, sexy voice and disarmed me with his southern charm. Let me set it up...

It was Sunday and i was home not doing very much. i was online doing nothing fast and i hit someone up with greetings and asking how his afternoon was. he said he was going out to eat and to call him. i sent him a text message stating my name and and online profile affiliation, to let him know who I was, and he responded with "guess you afraid to talk". I looked at the phone and did like a wtf thing wit my face. Did this guy just call me out? I wasn't feelin it. So, I showed him how afraid I was and I called him. That's where it started...

When the ring stopped, and he answered the phone, I melted in place to the sound of his voice. It was a matured deep voice, stereotypically urban (with the yo's and man's), dressed with southern a swagged accent. He reminded me of Dre for a quick moment. It was one of the things I liked instantly about Dre was his accent. Ohio I believe he was from. Anyway, moving on... we talked and he wanted me to come out to dinner. I was honest wit him and told him I couldn't because of auto problems. He said he understood. We continued to talk for about a couple more minutes and he said he'd talk to me after dinner.

Tell me why I was excited in anticipation for a phone call? Nah really, someone tell me why! I mean it was the level of I aint seen a lover in quite some time and I can't wait to see you! That's the kinda feeling I was having toward this upcoming phone call. Well, it came and we talked for a brief moment more. I get the feeling that he's not a phone type of person. the longest convo that we've had was about 10 mins and subsequent calls were a few mins at a time.

The after dinner convo informed me that he was from Florida. I said Florida. I thought Florida? My head sank in thought of Florida. That is far. I really didn't wanna get attached to something, or someone, so far away. That's just a short trip to the heartbreak hotel. The nex thing you know I'll be posting a Whitney Houston video on the blog! I'm not really down for it but something in me does wanna give it a try. I've never tried out something long term before. I always thought that long distance things don't work. Adversely, I'm a fan of trying something once before I knock it. This should be interesting. He's a top too. That's something I said I wouldn't do again either. Would it even get that far? Time will only tell.

Just Keep Wondering...

FYI: I was thinkin on a few things after I wrote this post, 3 days ago, and I wanted to write the new developments. Steven is a cool guy, but I wont be able to manage trying to see someone thats hundreds of miles away. That just wont work for me. He'll be a great vacation spot. and someone to spend some time with when he gets here but I just can't commit to someone that I can't touch for weeks and weeks, maybe even months, at a time.

He still makes me smile. I still think about him. Since I can't touch him, I gotta throw up my hands!

Keep On Wondering!

Pillow Talk

(FYI: the shift keys suck on this school keyboard, there will be errors and lowercase i's) So, I came home from this meeting with twin and the thing he is doing. Still more details later. I was bored... a lil upset and greatly bothered. What was bothering me? I was just pissed a situation that happened with my paycheck from my first job, and an interaction that I had from a prospect. It was all good, even though it wasn't. I'm growing tired of trying to find someone to just be a gentleman to me. I'm becoming impatient waiting for the opportunity to make somebody's life better. my outlook is gray and my horizon is foggy. I'm not very optimistic about my future romantic/love life. it does feel like every attempt to find it is an act of desperation. i'm not desperate by any means but i feel like opportunities are running out. Shrugs shoulders and moves on!

I was communicating with someone online. he was a top. i dont entertain tops anymore. i dont like hookups but my horniness makes me vulnerable. we exchanged phone numbers and we were swapping personal information, in efforts to determine each other's eligibility for the other. him being a top was an out for me. he said he's not trying to take a dick and he's probably not open to it. oh well! his out was that i didn't have enough time to see him 4-5 times a week. It wouldn't be enough. through interactions, i felt he was the possessive and jealous type. eh... i'll pass and no sleep lost. but, yes there's a but! i had a coupla drinks because my day warranted it. that rum and coke was sitting right with me. he was very easy on the eyes, handsome in other words, and i was horny. horny and drinks with me is not a great combo. its a recipe for a fucking. so we all know where this post is going!

He asked me if i wanted to come keep him warm. i wanted to be held. while the time of morning (am) was telling me it was too late, my horniness and alcohol level said, "go get yaself held tonight, you deserve it!" i girded up my loins and made it over guys house. he was very attractive, better than his pictures indicated. i was turned on. i was there to be held. he had a conference call and he held me when he was on his call. we watched tv as he held me. i began to drift and we went into the bedroom and he held me. he slipped his hand down my beater and began to play with my nipples. for the past 2 weeks i been wanting someone to play with my nipples. He help me and played. my dick was hard since i got out the car and i dont have one of those dicks that you can hide well when its erect. i just wanted to be held, i think. he felt down through my basket ball shorts and felt my dick and asked me if i was sure i wanted to JUST BE HELD. i hesitated. he made his move on my neck and i slid the shorts off.

Very quickly, fast forwarding past the rug burn, the legs thrown up down left and right, the arches that were bent, the quick squeeks of the bed, the cum stains on the wall and bed sheets, and passionate kissing, here comes the pillow talk...

That pussy was good. how do you get that ass so wet. it was so warm. why would anybody wanna give up this ass? it was like a glove, gripping my dick from top to bottom. so smooth and slick damn, i wanna get that ass tonight after you get off of work. come back over. you wanna try to work this out? i know i'm a top but this can work. i can make you not want ass by giving you dick until you burst and scream i cant take no more. come on lemme be ya man.

::yawn::

good night! i was tired and didn't really feel like the lets get married conversation. i brushed him off and tried to move on...

::Enter Awkwardness::

well get out! i was like "what did he just say?" I'm thinkin that he was really teling me to get out and i was about to raise hell till he said he was playin. then he says i wouldn't want anyone to treat him like that. This is what took the cake. He began to make bible references! Left field! There was about fifteen minutes of scripture quites on morality and things of the sort. i just wanted him to shut up and hold me. he eventually did but i mean i had to go through a sermon and a call to worship for alla that to happen!

the fuck was good. i enjoyed it, it just left me feeling off. not even that, i was feeling the same way i felt before i got there. there's something more that i was wanting. there's something more that I'm needing. the connection was non existant. I'm at a pitchblack crossroad and can't see where to go.

Just Keep Wondering...

What I like about a Man

I was speaking to a guy yesterday and his voice completely turned me on. I mean turned me on beginning with a slight sweat, increased heart rate, not to mention the sensitive nipples and the ripe bulge in my briefs. He asked me, "What kind of man do I like?" I replied, "uhhhh!" He restated, "What do you like about a man?" I said, "hmmm..." I never really thought about what I like about a man. I've thought about what I wanted in a lover, but never what I liked about men.

Let me start on the physical side. Afterall, what generally makes a man is how he looks! Not exactly, but you get my point. But, I like a guys size. Size means alot to me. Size brings security in some way. When I see a guy who isn't small, I feel as though they can handle their own, even if they can't! I'd defeat myself in the beginning if i omitted the tone, muscle and body makeup. This gives the guy strength. Why do I like this? Because I do wanna be vulnerable sometimes instead of always being the strong one. Can my guy be strong for me when I'm weak? I don't think that's too much to ask. I'll get into the sexual side in just a min...

Masculinity plays a huge part. I need you to be a man. I can get with being yourself and having fun and fake whylin every now and then, but can you please be a man under the sheets and on the streets? Can you be secure in your manhood also? I've run across some guys that, at every opportunity, think someone is challenging him. Really? Come on, calm down! That's just plain unattractive. I don't want a female for a man. I view masculinity as a part of swagger. The other part is confidence. If you're a shaky dude, what can you accomplish? You're gonna be second guessing yourself all over the map. Your actions, outlook, enthusiasm and much more are affected by this.

What really turns me on about a man is his smell. Those pheromones send me up a freakin wall. Some guys have a strong smell. One that after a short hug has attached to you. I'm not talking about that cologne and aftershave that many guys seem to overdo, but the actual smell of a guy. When he domes home from working and he has that slight funk smell to him. When he works out, that smell of adrenaline gets me going. For me to be in a gym makes me crazy. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is effects me like nothing else. Thinking about has me going, lol!

On to the good stuff! For as long as I can remember, I have fascinated with penises. When I was in the 4th grade I remember beginning to notice my penis changing. It was probably about 5 1/2 inches long and as beginning to sprout hairs. I was 8 going on 9 and I was trying to hide my penis. By the time I was at the end of 5th grade I had already had an ejaculation, my first experiences with a guy and was advancing through puberty with like a 6 inch dick. To me, on a lil guy, That was huge. I was thinking does everybody elses look like this. I began my journey for lookin for other dicks around the 7th grade. I tasted one before but it was a small one. A pinky dick if you will! I wanted a bigger one. I got one! I liked sucking it. It was tasty. The hair smelled hot. Dick smelled hot! The cum smelled and tasted very very good!!! Dick, dick, DICK!

I never had a booty fascination. I liked the shape but never really had a lust or desire of playing with one until one was shoved in my face. I licked and ate. It was ok. I still never had the desire, i just gained knowledge on what to do when one was offered for a meal. What completely changed my mind was an ex of mine. I was feelin him so much and was deeply involved with him that I did it and he enjoyed it. The more he enjoyed it the more I wanted to continue. Now, I will only do it when I'm feeling for the guy. When I like you, I will tongue that booty hole down. then I'm gonna wanna stick my dick in. Oh my... and Yes ma'am!

The intercourse with a man is powerful. As a versatile guy, I like a man to be able to feel my dick the same way I like to feel his. We can please each other in every way with grunts and moans and yells and screams bouncing off of the walls. Sweat falling where it may. Juices flowing where they flow. Manly embraces all along the way. Dayum... Men...

Should I do a post on what I like about women?

Just Keep Wondering...

Hey, what's good? I been waitin so long to gaze into your eyes man. I just feel like its meants for us to share a life force together. Yea I know it sounds cheesy but that's me. You know that you want me. I feel your fire and I haven't laid a finger on you. That passion is radiating off of you and I can feel it. Its effecting me. I'm like 112, there's so many things that I wanna do... to you... for you... with you cause I only wanna be with you.

The thought of our bodies touching. Intimate touches. Subtle caressing. Strong holds and gentle embraces. Sweat mixing. Tongue rubbing. Hair grabbing while calling your name. licking your every curve and crevice. Savoring your flavor. Exploding emotional man juices wherever you want them. I see the look you give me. That freak made contact with me and I want to endulge in you.

I know I can make you smile, I can make you laugh too. I can make you feel safe. You can be weak in me, I'll hold you up. I can keep you warm. No need to worry, cause together we will take anything that comes I can read ya mind telling you things you want to hear. Going places you want me to go. Doing things you want me to do. My purpose is for me to please you. You and me together is what I want. Forever like Mariah gimme the chance to say you'll always be my baby!

Let me show you the better side of life with me. Experiencing something new everyday. Each day a new beginning with a bright sun lighting the way. Fuzzy, can you be mine?

~ Your Dream Man

It's Been Awhile

I feel like it's been ages since I took the time and had a heart to heart with the blog world. I just have been so very busy with working extended hours at Kohl's and putting up with political BS and gossip at the High School. It weighs you down and tires you out quite a bit! Ya know? There has been a coupla things that I wanted to express in today's post. I have no clue whether I will be able to remember them all, but I will give it a good honest try.

I mentioned earlier that I've been working extended shifts at my second job. It has been mostly due to the lack of intelligence of the newer associates management has placed on my team. The nature of my job is pricing. We use a handheld device which prints pricing tickets in batches at a printer in the office. I manage this team. I have also had to deal with people not showing up for work, the carefree attitude toward the job, and the inability for people to perform the job without complaints. Altogether, I get aggravated when I have to go to work because I don't know what kinda BS I'll have to put up with for that day. Sigh... I keep the job because it does balance out my income and enable me to handle some things that I've been trying to handle for some time. It won't be like this always.

Twin is trying this thing to make him some extra money. I observe his initiative and enthusiasm and I'm encouraged that this will work for him. What I didn't expect was to share his same feelings and emotions. I would say that I feel as I'm being dragged into this thing, but I'm not. I have just mentioned the idea to a few of my associates and the thing has picked up already. I'm shocked because it took off faster than Prepaid Legal did for me. I put effort into that and didn't get very far. I just opened my mouth and gained interest from about 5 people! I can't wait till I can get my startup kit and see how this can change my life. I"m looking to replace my first job with this new job opportunity. I'll get into more specifics as they are provided to me.

I apologize for not reading your blogs. They have blocked the actual blogs, private blog addresses, from being viewed on the school's computers. I do the bulk of my blog reading while I'm at the school and this puts me at a handicap and I'm just frustrated. I'm going to figure out another way to bypass this. They blocked craigslist also! Ugghhh, i need to check on my free items! They putting a real cramp in my style and I'm not appreciating it! I can read a coupla blogs while I'm at my house. The reality of things is that I'm in a mood for falling asleep as soon as I walk through that door. I'm lucky if my clothes make it on their perspective hangers and in their rightful places! These 2 jobs are wearing me down. Hopefully a change will be coming soon.

Let's see... my romantic life... odd to say the least. I was seeing this one guy, his name is Sir, and it was looking very good. We've gone on dates, slept over one another's house, done the dinner thing, the phone thing, the movie thing, the long walk thing... It was working out! Then came the text, "why didn't you respond to my good morning text?" I sat and thought, he sent it like 30 mins ago and I was at work. A series of similar texts started to come thru in the following days. That was my warning that this guy was very clingy. I really had to direct him to the left. He developed feelings quickly for me and now can't really let them go. I just want a sane guy. Eric always thought I was fuckin someone... that got old. I mean you're 42 years old and you think everyone is out to screw around on you. WHATEVER! Grow up! Then there is this newer guy. His name is Thadrick. He's 33 years old and we had our first date/meetup on this Sunday. We went to the Olive Garden on Route 22. I was excited. I thought he was going to be a lil more masculine but he wasn't. He's out and, while he doesn't scream it, he does look the par! That was a turn off for me. I dont really feel like getting to know someone all over again bending and compromising from the door. It just feels as though things will end up in disaster or in a long drawn out sever of communication. I need another avenue of meeting guys!

My car is pissin the hell outta me! I mean really? Anybody ever heard of a water intolerant car? Well that's my car. Good ol' Kermit doesn't like water! It pissed me off so badly that I was ready to call it a day and bring the car to a dealer and trade the bitch in for a newer car. I hate not having non reliable wheels. I hate being stranded someplace and having to rely on others. I hate leaving my car somewhere until it decide it wants to start. I'm tired of having cars with personalities! Dammit, can I have an obedient car? Can I have a reliable car? I was looking at a 2005 VW Golf or a 2006 VW GTI. I have a fascination to VWs and I have always liked them. I really wanted a Golf for my first car but I didn't have the money to get one then or when I got my second car. What I have decided to do is instead of hopping into another car note, I'm going to take my tax return money and take my car to the dealer and tell them to work it out. Fix everything! Give me a detail and make my car shine and ride like never before! The dealer stands by their work so I shouldn't have to worry then. If not, then I will gladly go brand new and get a 2010 VW GTI and that will be all!

I really don't know what exactly is going on on he inside of my body but I can definitely say that I'm not appreciating being tired at all days of the week and sleeping from sunrise to sunset when the time allots. I'm experiencing fatigue and its at all hours of the day. I guess I should be going to the DR to get myself checked up on and make sure everything is on the up and up. I been eating well and I haven't been sickly so I don't think it's anything to be alarmed about but i really would appreciate being able to have some extra energy to throw around! I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Well I've sent out my Mornin Manna and been typing for about 30 mins on this computer, while listening to the belly aches of the bitter teachers that don't want to do their job and complain about everything under God's gracious sun! I do just wanna throw some ice water on them and trot off feeling accomplished! Oh well, maybe on my last day here I'll do something like that. Well I gotta see if I can grab some fruit from the teachers cafeteria before my next class starts. Thanks for listening and reading and I'll be around.

Just Keep Wondering...