I've grown up, can I go back?

You remember when your parents said don't be in a hurry to grow up? Well I think I was one of the only ones that listened. I tried to be a kid to the best of my ability and tried not to have responsibility for as long as I could. I failed.

Some kids wanna grow up so fast so they can have all the glamour and privileges that's the adults have. The fancy cars, all the money, designer clothes, credit cards, and to be able to come and go as they please all go along with being grown. Couldn't tell me anything! I had a job at 13 years old. Started supporting myself around the age of 14 or 15 years old. You know those fancy cars that I spoke of, well, not for me. When I got my license, at 17 years old, I got a hooptie and was excited about it. It was a 1988 Chevy, nova what a beauty! I say this because today, a co-worker of mine (the one I despise), told me about how the car that her mother bought her broke down and she was mad that she had a broke car (the one that she paid not a cent for). I worked for much of what I have at the moment. I get annoyed at the inappreciative who take everything for granted. Well that's a digression...

Now I stand, that's right I'm standing, at 21 years old. I have bills, not because I asked for them because they came my way. I have responsibility because it came my way. I am grown and I didn't want it to happen, but it came my way. Can I trade it in? I am very fearful of the future. Is the rest of my life going to be working to pay a bill? To only die at the end... Will I be living in the present that comes from the future only to be turned into the past? Only to become part of history... I'd like to know why there is such pressure on us to live. Why is the standard so high to live a well life that you have to brake and tear yourself to have a mediocre ending? Why can't I go back? Why did I have to grow up?

I guess that being grown is better than being dead, or is it? All I know is, its over rated. The bulk of years that was spent sheltered is probably the best, and is all that I would ever want. on October 23, 2005, that shelter was taken away from me. Robbed of that strongest pillar that kept me sane and together as well as the best of my very best of friends.

Growing and maturing is a slow and often costly process. I, on the other hand, had a quick course and I'm in the accelerated program as I type and you read. I never was granted the opportunity to be the child with everything, or even some things, and whatever I had wasn't given on a silver platter.
if I wanted something personal or extra, I had to do it mostly myself. It sucks to have to buy your own toys, games, special food items... and to only get something on your birthday and Christmas, which was 3 months from each other. I came out of it only to have to do it all by myself. I guess this is what these people are calling life. Well if this is life then life is real lousy!

I just wanna roll back time and freeze it. It may not be a great place to be but its a better place than the present. At the very least, my strong pillar would still be in place and my best friend would still be there for me. I'm so broken, I don't know if I will ever be fixed...

::exhale::

Is it my time?

Before I start, stay tuned to the end...I often wonder why the race that is set before me is often sometimes so very hard to run. I often think to myself, be it something that I did that caused me to endue hardship? I often ask myself why me? If I was to look back, I would find much pain and hurt. However, for some reason, my optimistic character came rushing through. I started to think about the saying that I always mumbled to myself when I was in a rough spot, when something unfortunate happened, when I lost something or somebody; "everything happens for a reason."

Up until recently, I was in a mood, thinking about my job. Thinking about the job that I didn't have. Thinking about the job I wanted. Not forgetting about the fact of all the good jobs that coincidentally were unavailable when I applied. I began to think about the promise that I made to God when I first started working. It went something like this:

"God, I love singing in the choirs at church and at the district and state meetings. If it be possible give me a job that does not conflict with rehearsals and the meetings. I know that I need a job but I believe that you will take care of me when I need it. I trust that you can make it happen..."

I wasn't much of a person to pray in length, but I do remember praying that prayer and I guess God is still blessing me with what I asked for! I have a week long meeting in July and another in August, where the rehearsals are on held on many Saturdays and Mondays, most of them consecutive. Most of these jobs require that you work the weekends and will not let you off for a week after just hiring you. Plus the type of job that I'm looking for is most likely going to need me on the weekends! (Us cooks, we save the world on a nightly basis, even holidays!)- We should have a holiday! :-D

Anyway, I finally have the "why" to my circumstance. Now all I have to do is TRUST, and have FAITH, that everything is going to be just fine.

I'm going to my rehearsals and planning on attending every night of the upcoming meetings. Speaking of the rehearsals, the last one was this past Monday and it was different. Instead of heading right into singing, the president of that particular choir broke the reason why we sing down. She mentioned of how great an importance the choir is, for if somebody leaves without hearing the sermon, the choir has that responsibility of rendering the word through song. She stressed that we not only minister to the people but to ourselves as well. I closely paid attention to the songs we sang that night and this is where I got my understanding of my troubles. As of right now, I have a deeper commitment to singing, a better understanding of its importance, and a stronger connection with God.

Well, I'm outta here. Lets play a game until my next post. The name of the game: Get to know Fuzzy. Its my first time trying something like this, I hope it works... Study Hard!!! question #4 is B: Cook

I think I'm bored

I was poking around the web and I came across this. I thought to myself, "why not?" I mean it was only like 6 questions! so I did it and here's the results:

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion! And chances are, you're currently in love. You have a strong physical response to love... And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

ALRIGHT now for the toe curling! Name somebody that doesn't wanna have that done to them (waiting...) thought so. I couldn't name one either. But I do believe that holds some truth, shoot its ALL true :-) Then I was intrigued and wanted to take one more survey and found this one at www.channel4.com. here are the results:

Hmmm, should I be happy? ehh well its me. I'm not going to be some closeted dude and at the same time I'm not going to broadcast information thats nobody's business but my own! Well I'm off to perform my fuzzy duties, blazing away never to look back, until tomorrow, lol :-D

later days...

I had to post this

Something just happened about twenty minutes ago, and I can't believe it! In the previous post a made a comment about money and the severe shortflow I have of it. Well, last night I put my last 10 dollars of into my gas tank. I was kinda pissed that it didn't push it up more than it did!

If I needed more gas what would happen? If Anyway, I was going all day wondering how i was going to make it if something was to happen. If I needed deoderant, ahhhhhh, what would happen? But I was prayin for something to go my way and it surely did! my dad knocked on my door and gave me 20 dollars! Small amount but its a whole bunch of cash for me to hold on to as a cushion.

Its great to know, that through the clouds and all the rain,
the sun is able to come out and shine its lovely rays of goodness.
Thank the Lord!!!

I forgot...

It’s Tuesday and I forgot to tell about my very boring and dry weekend that wasn't supposed to be that way. It was the way it was however so I have to let it be.

My weekend started on Thursday, mostly because I didn't go to work on Friday. Let me not jump ahead of myself. Wednesday, trying to be cautious, I got a pneumonia shot. Even though its not hereditary, everybody on my mother's side seems to get pneumonia, then die either from it or as a contributing factor. So I get a shot that covers me for 5 years. Pay attention a lil later... So Thursday came. I worked a lil longer than usual and then went over my ex's mother's house. Chilled there for about 2 hours when I got a call from Omar asking if I wanted to go to the beach. So I gather my stuff and picked up my Shawn...

(He's sooo cute!!!)

...and we followed Kris and Omar to the beach. We kicked our feet in the water and had laughs and even made me a penis...

... it’s not the most attractive but its massive lol! Check out The Legend of O, he's got a really sexy pic of me! :-) Anyway, so we go back and we make it home. I make some really good spicy bbq chicken with rice and corn while Shawn had some Popeye's. We lay down and went to sleep.

Remember that shot that I was telling you about? Well it made me terribly sick. Coughing, sneezing, sniffling, nose bleeding, headache, sinus tension and fever (at least I never lost my appetite!) whew
but I missed a day of work. I stayed in my man's [:-)] bed all day. That night I returned home. The next day I planned on going to this book club but I felt too lousy to do anything. So I repeated Friday and did nothing. Sunday I went to church and came home and poked around in blogworld and went back to doing nothing. When you have no money and are sick that’s NO FUN!!! So, I end my weekend as most do, sleeping.

:: end weekend::

Can it be possible?

there have been talks and I have always wondered if "gay" was hereditary. I thought to myself if it was something that I got through the family blood line. could I have gotten it off the streets? or is it some type of genetic disorder. furthermore is it my choice or my nature?

about eight months ago, after my mother passed, I went through a period of "I’m not gay". I didn't want my mother to see me as I was. so I forced it into a closet, with hopes never to see the beast again. I was trying to keep my mother happy in the grave! about a month later, I fell into temptation and opened that closet door. I was weak or was I weak? still very conflicted about myself I went on living the homosexual life. in the back of my mind I always blamed my god brother for making me like this. until recently, I believed that.

I began to take a journey back into a time that was not looked at as significant. there was only one baby sitter that I could remember. she lived around the corner and her name was danay. she was in her late twenties and she would always point out to me that I had my hand on my hips just a little too often. she would always say that men don’t put their hands on their hips, women do! and it’s true, I still put my hands on my hips, but since then, I try to do it not so often. then there's the trip down memory lane number two. when I was in private school (kindergarten), we used to have nap time. we would roll out the mats, have a story read to us, pull the covers out and go to sleep for an hour. in that time, I would stick my finger in my butt :-) it was very weird but it felt good! I’d do that every time that nap time rolled around. when I got to be a little bit older, I started puttin stuff up there, i.e.: eraser end of pencil, capped pens, and eventually the stick to the toilet plunger lol! not too much further down the line I was bored with tryin to find sum one to give me a blowjob so the logic that I had was the distance between my mouth and my dick wasn't that far. I was around 5'8" at the time. sooo everyday I would stretch and bend until one day I had stretched far enough to get my head in my own mouth. before long I was able to get most of it in there! it was the best bj that I have ever gotten, hehe. I am glad that that eventually stopped, my back was starting to hurt...

could I have gotten from one of my father's habits (maybe in another post I’ll tell you about it), could it have been my god brother that peaked the curiosity, maybe it was something that just always was, I don’t know. I got a little bit of everything in the mix. it’s just me being as complex and complicated as usual!

-later days...

Inner Conflict

i'm having somewhat of an inner way going on within me. the matter concerns my job... I work at a retail computer store and, well, I’ve always been somewhat unhappy there. I have the mentality that things will get better with time. the reality to that is that they have gotten worse. let me chronologically break this down so you understand.
I started working at this job on July 5th, 2005. I was replacing another worker in a team of two. a month later after I started, I was left alone to do a job I was poorly prepared to do. I was the only one to do it, so I did it. between august and January, being in charge of my team, I’ve trained about 10 replacements. some lasted a week; couple of days, a day, and even down to a few hours (left and never came back from lunch break)! I finally found a great couple but both left in January for school.
from Jan-May, i'm in school and don’t want to leave my bi-polar (possibly, who knows?), jack a$$, uncaring, inconsiderate, insensitive boss hanging. I stay and work a half shift from 7am-11am. Still the head of my team, I take on more employees that come and go and one really good and outstanding worker. situations arise in the beginning of may which cause him temporarily to be out of work, which leaves just me!
around mid march I ask my general manager if he has a manager position available for me. the reply is no. he stated that when the merchandising manager opens that I’d get it. come middle of may, without my knowledge, a sales girl was promoted to a position over me. her title, merchandising manager! I was pissed. beyond pissed. I storm into the warehouse flying off the handle cussin' up a storm. and I don’t cuss, I bleep on most occasions. so this airhead comes on to the scene with like 2 months experience of selling stuff and gets promoted over my upcoming year experience. the worst of all of it, THEY WANTED ME TO TRAIN HER!!!
this girl thinks that her ish don’t stink. she's bossing everybody around and making enemies very very very fast. her car was keyed (a classic) and nobody likes her at the job. she's making everybody's life a nightmare. now, i'm being placed with a full day's work to do in 3 1/2 to 4 hours! bull straight bull. and I know it’s the result of the new boss's moaning and groanings to the GM. I really want to comeback full time but they make me want to quit.
I have been looking for another job for quite some time. I need a specific type of job that will allow me to go to school as well as work. not easy given the school hours. here is the dilemma. I really want to leave but have not felt led to leave. for the summer i'm able to work fulltime. at the same time I can leave my job and look for what I’ve always wanted, a job in the kitchen. if I choose to leave I’d be in the group that is giving their two-weeks notice in tomorrow. yes I said group! if I stay, i'm going to be miserable because the slack is going to fall on the rest of the workers. if I leave I can start fresh at another job doing what I should've been doing in the first place, but starting at the bottom and working my way up again :-(

I do and don't want to leave my job, what should I do?

take me back

it was dark and quiet. i was asleep and was awakened to the nipples on my chest being caressed and a warm body touching my back. i loved how that felt but was confused. i lay there ever so still, aware the fact of my alertness was not known, waiting to see what happens next. my pants were being slid down off from my body but not all the way off. my ankles were the stopping point where the pants went no further. a hand began to fondle my penis and juggle my balls around. my dick was hard and was jumping out of control at that point. it felt sooo good and it lasted for about an hour. i was so excited and my heart was beating miles a minute. then the next thing i know it stopped and i was left there for a couple of minutes to feel good in it all! :-)

i started to fall asleep when i felt a dick slide in-between my cheeks. it made me so uneasy but it felt so good i let it happen. i laid there and let him grind on me. he reached over my side once again and started to play with my dick. it was feeling so good and all of a sudden it felt like i had to go to the bathroom. i tried to hold it back repeatedly. i didn't know why at that moment my body would choose to want to eliminate pee. but it happened approximately three times! each time the urge grew more intense. the last and final time it was soo overwhelming that i couldn't hold the urge back anymore. i had to pee and at that moment i peed, right in my god brother’s hand. OMG, i was so embarrassed. but was it pee?

my first sign of movement the whole night was to check the damage that the pee had done. to my surprise there were no soaked sheets. there was very sticky residue on my dick, leg, god brother’s hand, sheets and wall. I JUST NUTTED!!! not only did i nut, but i held off 3 previous nuts leading up to that one!!! :-D

this happened on a sunday evening when my god brother wanted to come over and i was eager for the attention that somebody wanted to give me. we played video games, hot peas and butter (homemade game that HURTS if you lose), and uno. while i was calming down from a very fun-filled night, all i want to do is get riled up again...

there i was eleven years old and i had my first ORGASM....

lets open a door...

i'm going to take a journey deep within myself, well my brain anyway, to see what's really going on. i envision my mind as a huge hallway with so many doors, each holding many filing cabinets. i'm gonna pick a random door and see what's behind it...

kinda weird for me to peek into a door with my childhood in it. all the fun, silliness, carefree attitude that a kid could have is behind this door. i wonder why this one would be picked?

in my younger years, a sheltered life is what i lived. i hardly ever spent hours playin stickball, at the park playin b-ball, going to parties, staying out late, or anything that kids do. i was always kept inside because i lacked any real friends, they all moved away from me! i went to private school 20 mi away from home till the 3rd grade, roselle schooling till 4th grade and started going to school in my hometown at the second half of 4th grade. then my best friend moved away from me when i was in the 5th grade. no friends just kids that would tease me for my proper speaking or the way i dress. so i kept to myself rather to subject myself to constant ridicule and and persecution.



the pretty lady on the left is my mommy. and the male figure on the right is my father. around 5th grade, when it seemed like everybody left me and my next older brother didn't have any time for me, i tried to reach out to my father. which resulted in me being ignored, he was too busy favoring all of his other sons. so through many attempts and me being treated like paint on a wall, i stopped trying and became bitter toward him. arguments arose and i began running away. total of 3 times. its really weird that things turned out the way they did. i lost who i was closest to and i got who i disliked the most. its sad to say it but i kinda wish it was the other way around. my mother and i make a 100% better team than my father and i.

now, it seems as if i want to relive what was never lived to begin with. to look back i guess would be better than living in the moment back then. i have more of an advantage of seeing what is good for me and what isn't. so, i'm on a never ending quest to rebuild my childhood!!!

i really wanna hit the beaches and do it big in the amusement parks. the only one that i don't wanna go to is six flags. those long lines are too ridiculous. but i love pretty much any other amusement park. i wanna find a place to play mini golf. bowcraft amusement park got rid of their course. if anybody knows of anyplace in jersey that has mini golf drop a note...

this past weekend i, and my loyal partner (shawnqt) with sidekicks (derron ty and omar), took a journey to the bodies exhibit, which was in new york.

[BEFORE I FORGET, THANKS DERRON]
SUCH A SWELL GUY

before we got there we grabbed a bite to eat at a mall near by. i was so psyched about going because the body has somewhat fascinated me but i never liked to study it. too much for my brain to handle lol! nonetheless, i thought it to be cool to go and see what somebody brilliantly imagined and executed. to my surprise i got nauseous and ended up kinda miserable for like half the time. i was literally like seconds away from showing everybody my lunch ewwwwww...

on may 30th, on the way home from shawn's house, we stopped my shoprite in clark. picked up some soda and can't remember what else. shawn saw my favorite cartoon character (garfield) in ty beanie form! he buys it for me. there's a pic of him (soooo cute)!

but later on that evening, my father and i get into a heated argument. many things are said and i'm the one that has to walk with the most weight on my shoulders after the dust has settled. i was so disturbed and upset i didn't know what to do with myself. its amazing how two people can share a connection and can feel each other's emotions... but the next morning he left me 3 post-its on the garfield that me bought me. 1: "you're beautiful to me" 2: "have a wonderful day" 3: "know that i am praying for you and with you". to see that when i got home was such an inspiration and it was the sunshine to my cloudy day.

Shoutout to my Baby

well its about that time for me to go, parting is such sweet uhhhh sorrow i think hehe (poetry and playwrights never my strength in school!)

smell ya lata