For Real?

It's amazing to me that obviously gay dudes believe that they are closeted and on the DL. I never was able to understand it! How does someone figure that someone doesn't know you're gay when you can walk in a pump better than they can, you can sashay away fiercer than they can, and swoop that bang better than they can. You're on the DL tho!

Now, I'm not the poster child for the masculine dude, but I'm not a flamer either. I have somewhat of an ability to turn the homo off. Most times I don't want to, sometimes I have to. I don't consider myself DL, but I definitely am far from out. Let it be know I can entertain a piece of pussy too!

Anyway, there is a coworker who everyone has code named fairy. He is too flagrant! He had the fuckin audacity to say nobody knows he's gay! I couldn't believe it when that deceit fell on my ears. Sigh, why do dudes deceive themselves with believing that EVERYONE can't see the truth. I just gotta go. That was my tangent for the day!

Just Keep Wondering...

The HoDown

My Asus

This is my first post from my brand new laptop! its somethinng I always wanted and never have really been able to afford. It's been a good while that I've been in this apartment and one thing I said I was going to do was grab another computer. Time went on and I thought I could get a desktop and after careful research I found that it was too pricy. It was almost a lost cause to get one for this year, but I grabbed one for an unbeatable $237, which is hundreds less than what I was expecting to spend. I added some goodies and extras making the grand total $487. I can't complain at all! I give God all the glory for that one, because it wasn't by chance or purpose that I ended up there, but I was directed there. I just love how God works!

It's an awkward place that I'm choosing to do this post, Trinitas ER, but now is as good of a time than any right? I dont know exactly what happened to me but I seem to have caught some kinda bug and has got my throat all messed up. I don't know from whence it came but it needs to leave. It could of been from a pizza that I ordered, but I dont exactly know. I got the sweats, the chills, no fever, neck pain and throat pain. I got rid of the fever, sinus pressure and headache yesterday, THANK GOD! Seems like God is getting his due outta this post huh! I'm here tho, and I just discovered that I'm going to be paying for a portion of this. They can hold on for awhile. Since they tried to get shady with letting me know i had to pay before I took the treatment, I'll act shady with their payment!

Updates are in order! Christmas is coming and I feel extra special festive. My lackluster thanksgiving left me with introvert feelings for Christmas. I dont really wanna be alone for Christmas, but I dont want my joy robbed by those that have a difficult time keeping their commitments. I just dont have time to be disappointed for Christmas. Originally there was going to be a Christmas party on the 26th, but I decided not to do it. I have to see what the church is going to be doing on Christmas day, and that will determine my Christmas night. The holiday will be 2 days for me this year! How great right? :-) Yup, I thought you might agree.

The gift list will be small and brief. Gabe, Nana, Jay, possibly Pam and Kita. Even though it's not about getting a gift in return, I didn't get a gift from them last year! Consequently, they prolly wont get a gift this year. Adult siblings will get $20 gift cards, and kids $10. Grand total of 120 for them. I'm going to attempt to get one of Gabe's dj thingy's repaired that he loves so much, he wont take a new one for some reason, maybe there's some sentiment involved. I don't know, I dont really care that much either. He's also gonna get a bag of underwear (socks, boxers, beaters and thermals) Probably about 2 packages each. He's worth that plus. Jay, hmmm I think I might surprise him with a cell phone, but I'm not too sure. I gave him another phone and he busted it so I'm not really so quick to buy him a new phone and I know he's not really going to use it. Maybe I'll buy him something for his Xbox. He loves his games, so that will put a smile on his face for sure!

You didn't really think I was gonna leave myself out, did you? C'mon now... For me I've got the laptop, LED 37" TV, Blue PS3 controller, 2 games, Xbox with 2 games, and at least 1 new kitchen appliance. Can I throw a new cell phone in there too? I do want one with a keyboard and Virgin Mobile finally came out with the LG Optimus Slider. I just need to find a decent sale and be ready when its available. I think that's about it. I doubt that I will get to accomplish all of this but I hope that I can get the things that will put a big smile on my face. I'm assuming that nobody will be able to get me anyything, that's why my list is so long. I dont have any problem with it being long and no hesitations in making it longer!

I've started looking for another job. It's a bit difficult looking for a great jobs when mediocre jobs are lacking in abundance, but we'll see how it goes. I want my nights back and my weekends back. I think its way over due. So many things that I love doing at night that I can no longer do, Bible study being the main one.

Side bar, a hour and a half later I am just being placed in an area to be seen by a Dr, with less than 10 people in the waiting area. Idk I guess I should be happy that it's moving along this swiftly? I'm glad that I ate before I got here. I do wish I had some rom temperature water tho, I'm parched!

Back to our irregularly scheduled post! I got my tooth filled last month and got a referral to get my wisdon teeth removed whenever I get off my ass and decide to go. I wanted to wait till after the holidays so I can enjoy my food! If I go now, I guess they could set me up with an appointment in January. I'm so scared tho. I've never had a tooth pulled and I hear that those wisdom teeth are serious surgeries! I would like it over with but I'm quite beside myself. I dont have any pain that I can compare it to! No broken bones, no resets, I'm in pretty decent shape! I've only had sprains. Not even a fracture, now that I think about it. I need to be sleep with massive amounts of pain pills to take my mind off of it. I dont wanna feel anything at all!

Did I tell y'all about my sex rating? As Gabe pleads, "it's only your ass rating!" Guess what it is. 9? 8? A 7 even? NOPE. He had the fucking audacity to rate me a 6! I got so upset. A 6? What in God's green earth? A friggin 6? Oh I didn't like that at all! I just can't understand. Why be with someone that you can't at least get a 7 out of the thing you use the most of for sexual pleasure? He claims my head is the answer and nobody sucks his dick like I do, but I don't know if I agree. I thought my head was good but he gonna place me at the best of his best? My ass gets a 6 tho, hmmm... I don't know on that one. A 6!

I'm tired and there is this old lady mumbling giberish and I can't inderstand whats going on. She done tried to bite the nurses when they tried to get some blood from her but she has no teeth! I laughed out loud! I'm about to close my eyes and take a rest because I need a quick shut eye. Plus, this post has become a bit lengthly for my taste. I don't like posting things that are typically longer than what I would read. Which is what I'm prolly gonna do in my spare time tomorrow. I have to do a few runs here and there in preparation for Wednesday's HoDown, but I know I should have a few moments to read blogs and catch up to those who read in secret. Thank you for continually reading. It means alot that someone cares enough to stop by and see what I'm up to. You all have a good night, or I guess i should say good morning!

Just Keep Wondering...

Unfortunate

Man, I just can't seem to get enough. Its one thing after another. Before I dive into dramas latest happenings, let me start off by saying I was supposed to have a great Thanksgiving approaching a super Christmas! Gobble gobble bah humbug! And a happy fucking New Year too!

No family this year for Thanksgiving. Different, but I'm rolling with the punches. This year is gonna be with friends and Gabe! Not so bad right? I seemed to have forgotten that my friends are shitty! They all have their plans and motives for pissing me the hell off. Not forgetting Gabe, he k owe how to push mu buttons in a while other way. From the Monday before Thanksgiving, my buttons began to be pushed. Pushed and pushed and pushed... and I'm worn out. Pushed one too many times. I arrived at the introvert hotel yesterday and I think I'm gonna stay there for a bit. Everybody is out to get me and I can't afford to have a crappy Christmas or any variety of a horrible new year. I am canceling my Christmas party because I don't want to be disappointed in the turnout, the spirit, the mood, or anything of the sort. I'm buying my own Christmas presents so I am guaranteed to get everything I want and nothing I don't. If I'm alone for Christmas, fuck it I will just be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a room of killjoys!

"Where is all of this coming from?" you may be asking. "This doesn't sound like fuzzy at all, what happened?" may be another question. Well for Thanksgiving I was expecting to see the landlord, Gabe's wife, a friend of mine, actually 2 friends of mine and Gabe. The friends didn't show and neither did Pam. Gabe's nephew was a last min addition to the mix. Gabe had to work and as soon as he gathered himself and walked the dog hehad less than 15 mins to eat and bounce. I spent Thanksgiving cooking and with a boy that wanted to play games on the computer. I was basically alone and I didn't like it because it wasn't supposed to be like that. So, I'm taking motions to ensure that. Christmas goes my way. How is it going to go? I'm not sure. Its on Sunday this year so its going to be a bit tricky. I won't have to work but I don't know if I will go to church either. New years I was supposed to be in Miami, but because of me being the nice guy that I am, that may not be a possibility. I'm too giving and that's gonna change too. Its better to give than to receive but I'm not receiving so I'm not giving. And that's about all!

Just Keep Wondering...

I never thought I'd hear it

Gabe and I went to the Village Halloween parade in NY. We brought the kids, Nasir and Porschea. We got there and it was crowded like I have never seen. People everywhere standing and not moving. The only thing we could do was dash into a store front restaurant, a pretty decent one at that, grab a seat and look from there. To our surprise, there was a huge flat screen playing the parade a they walked by. It was great!

We left early cause you know its a school night and when we got into Newark Penn station bus lanes Nasir opens his mouth and says we're a big happy family while giving us both a warm embrace. That moment made my entire year! I was just telling myself this past week that I was in need of a family.

Fast forward, gabe and the Porschea had a lil bout over her lying. Gabe done slapped the child in her face and she went to school crying and now they project born nigga minded momma said they kids can't come back anymore. This isn't the first time one of the two had a behavior problem and Gabe disciplined them and she had a problem with it. I was there for most of the times and he doesn't go overboard. I would like to know where you let people care for your kids but they accept them with an agreement that they wont discipline them. Even schools discipline in their own way! This bitch done lost her muh fuckin mind. They're her kids and I suppose its her final say. Now, its all her say cause she done either had to quit her job or got fired from her job and back to that project apartment all day! Well whatever. That's on her! I will miss the kids. Correction, I do miss the kids! I wish they were ours and she wasn't in the way, they would turn out so much better. That's just me saying that, because I know I would be a great dad, and I know Gabe is a great dad. Maybe one day I'll get a real honest chance to prove it.

Just Keep Wondering...

I Wanted Drama

There is so much that's attached to Gabe concerning his personal extensions, that when I try to explain it to people they get confused and wonder why I even bother. Lets share! I can't remember if I ever explained what the specific deal was before but here we go.

When I met Gabe, he had a girlfriend who had 2 kids, a wife that had 1 kid, a baby momma that has one kid of his and a lost child being kept from him somewhere in one of those southern states along the east coast. He begins to date me a few months later and none of the other extensions have changed. A few months later I move in with his wife, who has 3 kids of her own. She shortly moves out because of Gabe's level of influence over his wife's judgement. Her girlfriend doesn't know that they are married.

In the next couple of months Gabe's girlfriends son comes to live with us. Of course there are bonds formed between me and him and we grow close. I can't help it that I'm great with kids. The kids love me for it too! So we have him nearly to the end of the school year. Together we've worked wonders with his school grades and his attitude has changed to everyone's benefit. His momma finally got her things together and has her own place and some stability. She took him back and Gabe felt some sorta way. I don't blame him. He has been a father for the boy for quite some time and now she is acting funny because he did a better job than she did. Oh well!

Now at this moment, the girlfriend knows about my role and doesn't want her kids anywhere around me. Given Gabe's recent diagnosis I wanted to come by after work and see about him and check up on some diet things and get a shopping list together. I was I formed that she was gonna be here halfway into the route to his place. Obviously there was gonna be some kinda tension and I wasn't bothered cause I was coming over for him and not her. It was awkward once I got there and this morning he picked a fight over me leaving a bottle of salad dressing on the table. I put my clothes in the washer and walked away. I couldn't believe this! His reasoning was that everytime I come over I leave something out. Thats fine, but I pointed out that he dita the same thing and I don't get bent outta shape. I got angry and left to get a haircut. I came back ands he was gone. Everyone was gone. GOOD! He calls me later to apologize. I'm of the opinion, and it fours back to childhood upbringing, think about what you say before you say it! It took new a while to type this on a cell with no keyboard but I did it. Just keep wondering...

It's really happening

The majority of residents, nurses and a couple of doctors have classified him with having type-2 diabetes. At this point, we're trying to get his sugar stabilized using multiple methods seeing which works the best. I'm not exactly thrilled to see him treated like a guinea pig, but if that's what must be done so be it.

I'm looking at food options at the moment. Knowing that he's going to get all sorts of impatient and discouraged, I want to know what he needs in the event he says fuck it! I know him and he is very likely to say "i don't gotta put up with this shit." When they first admitted him I made a silent choice to act as the the momma he never had, the one that made him take care of himself.

I think I might change my diet to somewhat match his new diet. It would help me and help him at the same time. I've been trying to get him to exercise for a long time and now I believe I have finally gotten my workout partner! Again, this benefits us both. There's going to be many changes to his life, resulting in changes with mine. Not one to run from a challenge, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared. This is my boyfriend we're talking about! I am not trying to lose him before necessary. Several ppl have said if he takes this seriously out won't come to that, I respond with, "what if he doesn't?"

The 3rd day of this situation and I'm weary. I gotta rest my mind. But I think I have found a educational path to build on my current degree. Nutrition is a high interest point and it will definitely help me help myself and others. The future is going to prove to be very interesting. Here we go...

Just Keep Wondering...

I Feel Some Sorta Way

My bf has diabetes...

Moving Progression

Hey there all...

Man, it feels great to be able to type a blog post for some reason. I'm super stoked at the opportunity. Lately I've been doing so many things and I haven't had time to come update regularly. Yea, many of us have those smart phones and devices that think for us, but it's not the same as being able to sit in front of a screen and pound those keys and let those mental juices flow! So, here we go.

The job has been coming along great. I don't have any complaints. Its almost the perfect job for me. I'm busy for most of the day, always something to do in the kitchen you know, and I don't work 40 hours a week but get the cash for a 50 hour work week! It's simple, now that I've learned the menu. Most days I'm not due in until 5pm or after and I'm gone by the latest 12:30am. The best part of it all is the cash that I get when I clock out! Nothing better than coming to work and walking home with cash everyday, unless you don't have to come to work and still get the cash. I guess that would triumph over that. :-/

Gabe and I have been okay since the move. It's difficult to see him and time isn't really valued as it was but we're making it. I miss living with him but I don't regret stepping out on my own. This is something I needed and I wanted to prove to myself that I can make it. I can survive. I'm doing it too! YAY...

I've given twitter another try and have to say that I'm actually liking this run. I've deleted everyone that I didn't know, stopped following the shady ppl that had nothing but senseless commentary, and have added people that I work with, close friends and its working out better than all my previous runs. Good reports this time. I might actually keep it!

I got a new bed. I was loaned an air mattress until I got myself where I needed to be. Thanks Jay for being there for me! Now I got my bed and I am on my way to buy some dressings for it. I gotta grab some more pillows ya know, sheets, blankets etc. I'm going for a blue and black theme for my bed room. Blue is my favorite color and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to wrap myself in my favorite color! :-) While I'm on the apt, the kitchen and bathroom are mostly finished. I need to change the mats in the bathroom for color coordination reasons, I can't match to save my life! The kitchen needs some plates and a new pot ware/cookware set. I have the necessary items to do what needs to be done, but a cooks work is never finished. I wanted to get a magnetic rail and new knives too. I have travel knives so I wanted a set for the place too. A microwave seals the deal. After that, then I work on getting a couch and love seat, dining table & chairs, and accent furniture for the bedroom. I hope to have everything situated by the end of October.

Atlanta pride is approaching and I wanna go. I'm looking into arrangements now. That's all for now. More will come when I get hotel reservations and book travel arrangements, lol. Hope the job doesn't turn me and say I can't have off, it's Labor Day weekend so you know how hospitality jobs and holidays work.

That's about all, I'm off to buy bedding.

Just Keep Wondering...

Returning to Normalcy

The dictionary tells me that normalcy is being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning. I had to really ponder what was normal for me. Normal for me was having a job and having sufficient funds to live and comfortably, enjoying life. Normal for me was looking forward for tomorrow, not for tasks and errands to be completed, but to enjoying life, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of others and more. I hated my previous state of existing. It's not a bad state of existing, but one that I didn't care for. I would wake up and just want to back to sleep. I would get paid and feel like the paycheck wasn't worth my worth the time and energy put into it. I would go to sleep not wanting to do it again. and a few other things too.

Right about now, I feel my worth in my paycheck. I'm in a state of being that I can openly say I am well in. There aren't many things I can call my own, but the few things I can, I'm happy with. I've lost alot within the past year (car, license, furniture, clothes, apartment, friends, and a portion of my happiness). Some of which I am gaining back. I just got an apartment, I'm rebuilding my wardrobe slowly, one piece at a time and I'm growing closer to the friends I did keep, or should i say the ones that kept me. Most got an ultimatum. I am going to a certain place and I have a certain goal. If you can't align yourself or at least be a decent sidebar while I attain my goal, you're a hindrance and your presance isn't welcome around me. Many chose to dip off while others chose to stay. No hard feelings but I can't go back to where I was. Only building upward and going onward. ascending to new plateaus and grabbing onto higher levels.

Just today, I decided to go purchase a bluetooth earpiece. Couldn't do that unless I had the spare change to do so. So, it was a decent checkpoint for me. I'm looking forward to more moments of liesure.

Normalcy is returning to me. I'm happier. I'm one more stepp closer towards independance.

I'm almost at my wits end

Why can't NJTransit ever get you where you need to be at the time that they said you will be there? I have yet to ride a bus that came on time, or got to its destination on time. I really can't take it. I was trying to make a connection between a bus and a train. The bus was early to the stop i was supposed to catch it at and got me to my destination 14 minutes after the scheduled time of arrival. ugghhhhh....

I'm on my way to church, and put more than reasonable effort to going to an optional service. This thing ruined my whole evening. it really did and I'm in a severely grouchy mood because I couldn't make it. All I want to do now is go to sleep. I can't get out to my church outings like i want to because of work. So, when I'm off and can get to one i really try. Now you might say why didn't you catch the next thing running? The train I was catching was an express and woulda got me there just in time for me to be less than fashionably late while the later train wouldn't get me into the area until 1 hour after service started. I would then need to still get there. I would only get there around the time service would be about to start winding up. Did I mention I had an 11 year old with me? I think he was more disappointed than I was!

My day was going so well and now it's just not. I'm just sad...

New Apartment

I'm at the place that's to the left. Thanks google! :-)


View Larger Map

Here are some pics of the place

And finally a video of the place

Mind Chain

I'm unreasonable in the idea that I shouldn't have to always clean up after a 40+ year old woman, her 17 year old daughter, the daughters 18 year old boyfriend, and whatever company they choose to have over the house. I'm unreasonable because I chose to not clean a sink that I did not leave dirty.

I'm a slob because I didn't clean an area that I didn't mess up. I'm a slob because I didn't do what was necessary to keep the place that I stay in presentable, because I felt like people should clean up behind themselves. I'm a slob because I don't think of anyone besides myself when I don't clean things because other people have to look at what I didn't clean up after someone else.

I'm a bitch because I didn't say anything about it. I'm a bitch because I say something about it. I'm a bitch when I do something about it. I'm a bitch when I don't do anything about it.

Does the same hold when I come home from work and clean up after everyone that chose to leave things everywhere? NO, it doesn't! Do I seek recognition when I go out of my way to maintain clean standards when everybody maintains a level of filth? NO, I don't! Let me decide for one moment that I'm going to let the people that mess things up clean things up and me stand aside, I'm a slob and a bitch. Guess what? I'm over it!

You wanna throw my shit out on the curb because I don't clean a sink? Cool, that saves me from moving it outside. You think we need a break cause I use logic and you are pig-headed? You always said if I don't like how things are going I could beat it right? Well my fingerprints will be on that door soon enough. I can't believe it's come to this over a sink. It's incredible! I'm tired of being shown the door. I'm tired of being offered the invitation to leave everyday when I question things about the space we live in. Trust and believe, I wont be going through it for much longer!

I think I'm just about over being your roommate. I'm leaving, I'm leaving! Don't matter if you wanna come dude be easy! I'm leaving! I don't know whether it's over but there's a cloudy sky over my relationship and I'm terrified. I don't want it to be over...

Just Keep Wondering...

Branching out again

I applied for housing some time ago. I've been living with Gabe and his friend for quite some time now and conditions of guaranteed housing are nonexistent. I just want some type of fall back just in case.

Living with Gabe has been interesting. I don't take back any  day because they all have served as a learning experience. I wanted him to move with me and he declined. He needs space, time to himself and a couple of other things. That leaves me to be on my own again. While I frowned on living with ya lover before, I grew attached to the idea. Not saying this move is young to happen over night or even in the near future, but to know I'm gonna be moving and he isn't coming is gonna be a downer.

Branching out yet again, looking towards new beginnings. So far 2011 is a bit bittersweet. No car, but an opportunity to save so I can get one. A good job, that is positioning me awkwardly for church. I think I might take an hiatus from church until transportation is worked out. Kinda ehhh but good things on the horizon.

Just Keep Wondering...

Been Gone 4 Too Long, Time To Bring It Back

I've been drinkin and I been free

Been enjoying my internal liberty

Feelings of freedom and accomplishment

Establishment in my own essence

Work, food, money, sex and happiness

make me feel like I should have any distress

All I know is I felt this way after a song

She made me feel a firm grip on a good door knob

She's the well know upcoming artist Nicki Minaj

Her "Moment for Life" rubbed me the right way

Made me want to seize the moment and time of day

This is my moment for life

Cause at this time I just feel so alive

Truly, this is my moment for life

At this time I just feel so alive

I love this song because it hit me in such a way it encouraged me to increase and to stay with how life is going for me right now. I am able to support myself, I'm paying on my debt, I'm thinking ahead and doing so many things to make me stand back and say that I'm doing just fine. This is my moment for life. I have a new view on what life and living mean. This moment I feel so alive. Why so alive? I have a feeling of happiness, feelings of happiness, joy, love and a plan to keep going.

I felt poetic in my late night drink. I have been wanting to write you for about 2 weeks, but things have prevented be from doing so. But I love you guys. I don't want you to think that I don't. Another song that I like is Ciara's "Gimme dat". I have been gone for too long and it's past time that I bring it back. So, here I am!

I have been cuss free for the majority of 2011. Donnie McClurkin said it best; we do fall down, but we do get up. I put it out there that I would kick the habit and I have been making sure that I stick with it.

I got a new job and been employed with Chili's for the past month. I'm a line expeditor, of QA (quality assurance) as some people call us, and a prep cook. I would like to remain as a line expeditor, we get paid more! Can't argue with more money. :-) I'm loving the fact that I have time away from Gabe, making immediate money and a wage at the same time, get to be gone from what is me and what I've been in and around, and begin to develop a social life again. I have missed my regular routine of not depending on anyone and working in my own convenience. I'm getting that back slowly.

My taxes have been collected and I can say that I was a bit taken back but that's money that is going toward a bill and I'm fine with that knowing that at least i'm being productive towards a bill. I will be caught up momentarily and I will be set. On the road to recovery and soon I'm gonna be set. Set good too!

Just Keep Wondering...

Scratchin' Ma Head...

So, I came across these girl panties when I was folding clothes and I held these panties out in front of me and gazed. I was trying to figure out why these pink panties had "Princess" written in the pussy area with glitter specs all about! I thought about why I buy underwear with wording on them, it's because I know I want someone to read the underwear. Most likely, the wording is sexy, seducing and provocative in nature. I had to scratch my head.

This girl has just turned 6 years old and I dont believe she needs to have "Princess" written across her poom poom. Furthermore, who thought it would be a good idea to dress up lil girls underwear with words? Who do these designers think will be looking at these lil girls underwear that they need to be that flashy? I'm at a loss right now and I'm quite beside myself. I'm really scratchin ma head on this one.

Just Keep Wondering...

I Put A Ring On It

Valentine's Day was iight for me. Coulda been better, could of been worse. I spent time with Gabe and that was the most important thing for me. In my late night tipsyness, being medicates as well, was doing some silly things in a playing nature. I was playing with his fingers and thought that he had small fingers. I was just being silly and decided to put my high school ring on all his fingers. Just passing time and he said, he'd do it. I said, "Huh?" I didn't know what he was speaking of. Then, it clicked. I had fake proposed! I thought, would I do I do it genuinely? Yea, I sure would. When I do, he would say yes. I think that was the best Gift I've ever recieved.

Just Keep Wondering...

Happy Birthday & Valentine's Day

"Hey Mom,

Just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day and Happy Birthday too. You always got two gifts from me. You're in a place where my gifts wouldn't mount up to what God has for you. I really miss you, but I love you so much more. I was gonna say rest in peace, but I know there's some kinda divinely holy party you're at dancin ya behind off. Till the day we meet again... I love you Ma...

Al Gonquin J Bumpas"

Interesting enough, the years have gone by and I've either kept myself busy, tried to be in love, or just slept through the day, so I didn't have to pay attention that Mommy's love wasn't around to be given anymore. I made it to about 1:30 when I saw a post my brother made on facebook. It really turned me up and down and triggered an outpour. Sniffle sniffle snot snot it sounded like I forgot to get my coodie shot! These pains don't last very long and I am learning how to stretch all the love Ma gave me in my 20, almost 21, years of life. I think I should do fine with that, due to the sever amount of great times.

All for you Mom, I love you!

Craving Some of These...

Just Keep Wondering...

Public Service Announcement

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

To all my whores, hoes, sluts, smuts and slores, this is for you. Unsuspecting innocent ones, be aware as well. There is an issue regarding the pestilence! Bed bugs are a huge, and growing larger, issue. Those tiny lil bastards are cunning, quick and hide very well. They will turn you out if they get a hold of you. Believe me when I tell you, these bitches will gang rape you and leave you barren on the side of the road wondering why!

Gabe and I are open with our relationship. We don't' have an open relationship, but are open with the relationship we have to others. So, one night we decided we wanted to have a lil fun with this man that didn't live too far away from home. Quick convenient, handsome with a big dick and a fat ass. Not complaining at all. He claimed he sucked dick like he should be paid for it and that he's a fully versatile freak. We made our way over to the place took off coats and sat down. Less than 2 mins on the couch, my arm began to itch. I paid no mind to it until the issue became bigger and more of my arm started to itch. I looked down and noticed a lil something crawling on me. My mind told me "oh shit" my logic told me go find out what it is before you flip the fuck out. I excused myself to the bathroom where there was ample lighting and I saw the beast which I murdered on my sleeve. I came out and raised all hell!

Side story, I left my very first apartment due to these sons of foreign bitches! I was being bit in places and itching in compromising locations. I had to go. I lost all of my furniture and about 50% of my clothing. I still haven't recovered. Then went from that to a roach issue, an ant issue, to a flea issue. I can't deal with these terrorists anymore! They have got to go and leave me alone.

I'm just scarred for life and I can't begin to tell you what my nerves go through when I feel something on my skin move. I would hate for people who are trying to get some good pussy, or a good piece of dick and end up with a visitor coming home with you to turn you out. Be careful at the hotels, on the buses and public seated areas. They can hide and hitch a hike on your back and you'll be turnt out! Yea I said it, TURNT OUT!!! It can happen to anyone, I don't mean to focus on the sexually open and people with frequent flyer miles on their genitalia, but that bug ruined my sexual experience and I'm upset!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Just Keep Wondering...

Food Blessing

I was raised to say "grace" or blessing over my food before I eat it. I was faithful with it up until around 21 or 22. I fell lax and I noticed it when a kid pointed out that i didn't say "grace" before I inhaled my food. So, I said "grace".

God is good, God is great and I thank Him for this food.

I bow my head. I must be fed. Give me Lord our daily bread.

Bless the ones that do not have AMEN!

I thought about the grace that I said, and it didn't seem personal at all. I didn't feel like I was grateful in asking for my blessing. So I thought of something that I can say is from me that I feel covers more bases.

God you're great and greatly to be praised.

Lord, I thank you for this food which was made.

Bless it and make it nourishing in Jesus' name.

Bless the ones that do not have just the same.

To you, all honor and glory AMEN!

It's a bit longer, but I like it way more. Just a lil thing I thought up. It's snowy and icy outside; be careful! Stay warm and bundled and safe.

Just Keep Wondering...

The GREAT Philosophy

At the end of my Pastor's life, he had this ever present state of being to be described as 'great'. This man, who had pancreatic cancer, had a doozy of a wife, pains and thorns for kids, issues for church members, and the politics of the higher church continuously stated he was 'great' whenever anyone asked him how he was doing. I said before that he was the best example that I could of had as a spiritual leader: never angered, patient, kind, suffered long, exhibited love, and much more. He was a man who bore the fruit of the spirit at all times.

Moving forward, I'm increasing my optimism in every aspect of my life. No longer will i view the glass as half full, but it's going to be full at all times. I wont be fine, or ok, but I will be GREAT!I wont let my own words limit my progress, despite on how miniscule the words seem. My words will speak life in me. They will speak growth and prosperity. I'm going to be sowing my own future. Its gonna be GREAT! I've adopted the great philosophy, and its gonna be a change. For, I am the only one who can usher in change into my life and allow change to occur.

Just Keep Wondering...

12:41am

You're gone, but you're right there
I can't see you or hear you
My soul and my spirit render a familiar touch
I've been robbed and a crime has taken place
Bring him back, he's mine not yours

I can't believe this happened
Right before my very eyes
A chunk of my being ripped from me
Left wounded and nervy I reach
Reaching for the captive of the unknown

My Gabe is locked up and I'm helpless
Incapable of freeing him
Unable to gaze his way
His presance compares to none
Gabe isn't here

Calming my nerves with immoral remedies
Laying down on my side
Swaying and playing with and in my mind
Itching an emotional scratch that can't be soothed
I put myself to sleep with no Gabe by my side

Good Night

Caught off guard...

My pastor has gone on to glory. I'm broken, unprepared, saddened and joyful. He was battling pancreatic cancer for about a bit more than 2 years. He stayed his course. He fought the good fight. He set the example of what a soldier and a christian should be. With much sentiment and emotion he will be missed.

Left to mourn and celebrate his life: a wife, 2 sons, 1 daughter, 1 sister, 1 brother, a host of nieces nephews aunts and uncles and his New Vision COGIC family.

I have exactly no clue what will happen to the church due to no pastor, but time will tell soon enough.

I celebrate you pastor. I love you pastor. I will miss you pastor. I will remember what you taught me pastor. I will cherish all the work you did pastor. I thank you for being my friend pastor. I thank you for being a father pastor. I thank God for you and your life.

In tears still yet wondering...

New Year

A new year brings an anniversary. A new year brings a new beginning. A new year sparks change. In a new year, old things are passed away. In a new year, all things become new. In a new year, aspirations have another chance to come true.

My new year has promise. My new year has hope. My new year has favor. My new year is my new year! I'm making the best of what is and embracing the possibility of great things to come. Unfortunate times will have their place, I'm forseeing me abiding someplace else. No catchy 2011 theme, but I do see greatness for me.

Just Keep Wondering