What do you do when you...?
What do you say when...?
How do you handle...?
How can you move on?
What do you say when...?
How do you handle...?
How can you move on?
I just sit in a space, in a spot wondering when the time will come when it is my time. It seems that everyone has their paths, their projected or prospected paths, or have at one time or another had a path. I want to be there. I get so pissed when people say it will come in time. I dip into depression when people say to wait! I have had what I wanted and needed right in front of me twice, but I believe I have ruined my chance at happiness on both occasions! Sigh and i think a tear too...
It may seem like I'm going off on a tangent, but I paid my cell phone bill on the 19Th. For those, most of you that don't know I haven't paid a bill since august. Not a one! I have been down, depressed and outright bothered by my pride as a man. I look at myself as always being able to make it and bounce back from any situation. I would run to my brother for help and I knew he had my back. I didn't want help this time. So, I didn't pay rent, car bills and phone bill. I believed that I would make it through. I've gotten 2 checks that have been humorous! I kept believing! So, on Friday, on my third check from my second job, I paid my cell phone bill. I felt so excited. I felt confident! I lost my confidence a very long time ago. I was unsure of my own validity as a man. I walked with my head down and sat slouched in chairs. Nobody could understand! I have made my first step towards success! I found some confidence and I want more.
All of that to say the following. I want to be happy! I want to make someone happy! I have done the beginning steps and some of the middle steps in getting myself together. I realize more and more how I operate. I realize more and more who I am. I am fooling myself if I continue to think that I have to know myself completely before I can begin to go after my dreams and goals in life. What is wrong with coming into one's self while spending your life with someone? That may be a great way to come into knowledge, when both people can share in the experience!
At the risk of going off on another tangent, is it possible to have two soul mates at the same time? Is it possible for you to have a soul mate for a prospected life and another for a different type of projected life? You ever held on to a dream and had everything you wanted but were confused about EVERYTHING? Then you go down another road and find you still have everything with another person? How do you handle that? How do you choose? How can you be comfortable knowing that each choice is an equal one? I feel like I'm rambling but making sense, and making a point, at the same time!
Let me go back to the beginning! What do you do when your heart has a hold of someone and won't let go? What do you do when your heart is reaching out towards to people? I might push some buttons, but I honestly believe in the probable fact of me loving two people!
What do you say when you can't say anything? I don't mean like blow away can't speak. I mean you are willing and able to speak but can't find the words. The fear and nervousness takes over and you literally can't say a word, speak your mind, or say anything productive.
I'm gonna take it straight Donnie on this one! How do you handle the guilt of your past? Can someone please tell me how do you deal with the shame? How do you handle your heart when it had been handled so many times? Not necessarily mistreated, just handled. I don't to be handled more that I need to be anymore. I want the next one to be soooo serious that It knocks me off my feet. I can't handle any more heart handling. I put my heart into everything, into work, life, friendships and on occasion, prospects! My heart is on my shirt and my only shield is my two hands. They are not doing a good job and I am injured.
What do you say when you've said all you can say and it is not enough? What do you say when you've been nothing but honest and you come up with the shitty stick? I'm gonna be real, because real is what real gets! (so I'm told) I go through my days being honest, sometimes even brutally honest and I just can't deal with ignorance that you get when you're honest. They ignore whatever you want and have made known and try to turn you into whatever they want you to be! Or, if you're not what they wished you to be they catch feelings and put your business on the street like bad garbage on trash day! Just stinkin up the neighborhood!
You should know that my thoughts came out like this after some bazaar game of questions. Shawn, Twin, X, Myself and a few others were engaged. I was sooo clearly and purposely inebriated and felt like expressing all of this after people left. I really don't expect many to read all of this, and I expect fewer to actually comment on it. I just needed to get this out. It's not out of my system, just in the atmosphere. Yea, its random! Yea, it may be repetitive! Yea, it might even be boring! Its whatever, because i just feel like crying right now and right after this sentence i will start...
It may seem like I'm going off on a tangent, but I paid my cell phone bill on the 19Th. For those, most of you that don't know I haven't paid a bill since august. Not a one! I have been down, depressed and outright bothered by my pride as a man. I look at myself as always being able to make it and bounce back from any situation. I would run to my brother for help and I knew he had my back. I didn't want help this time. So, I didn't pay rent, car bills and phone bill. I believed that I would make it through. I've gotten 2 checks that have been humorous! I kept believing! So, on Friday, on my third check from my second job, I paid my cell phone bill. I felt so excited. I felt confident! I lost my confidence a very long time ago. I was unsure of my own validity as a man. I walked with my head down and sat slouched in chairs. Nobody could understand! I have made my first step towards success! I found some confidence and I want more.
All of that to say the following. I want to be happy! I want to make someone happy! I have done the beginning steps and some of the middle steps in getting myself together. I realize more and more how I operate. I realize more and more who I am. I am fooling myself if I continue to think that I have to know myself completely before I can begin to go after my dreams and goals in life. What is wrong with coming into one's self while spending your life with someone? That may be a great way to come into knowledge, when both people can share in the experience!
At the risk of going off on another tangent, is it possible to have two soul mates at the same time? Is it possible for you to have a soul mate for a prospected life and another for a different type of projected life? You ever held on to a dream and had everything you wanted but were confused about EVERYTHING? Then you go down another road and find you still have everything with another person? How do you handle that? How do you choose? How can you be comfortable knowing that each choice is an equal one? I feel like I'm rambling but making sense, and making a point, at the same time!
Let me go back to the beginning! What do you do when your heart has a hold of someone and won't let go? What do you do when your heart is reaching out towards to people? I might push some buttons, but I honestly believe in the probable fact of me loving two people!
What do you say when you can't say anything? I don't mean like blow away can't speak. I mean you are willing and able to speak but can't find the words. The fear and nervousness takes over and you literally can't say a word, speak your mind, or say anything productive.
I'm gonna take it straight Donnie on this one! How do you handle the guilt of your past? Can someone please tell me how do you deal with the shame? How do you handle your heart when it had been handled so many times? Not necessarily mistreated, just handled. I don't to be handled more that I need to be anymore. I want the next one to be soooo serious that It knocks me off my feet. I can't handle any more heart handling. I put my heart into everything, into work, life, friendships and on occasion, prospects! My heart is on my shirt and my only shield is my two hands. They are not doing a good job and I am injured.
What do you say when you've said all you can say and it is not enough? What do you say when you've been nothing but honest and you come up with the shitty stick? I'm gonna be real, because real is what real gets! (so I'm told) I go through my days being honest, sometimes even brutally honest and I just can't deal with ignorance that you get when you're honest. They ignore whatever you want and have made known and try to turn you into whatever they want you to be! Or, if you're not what they wished you to be they catch feelings and put your business on the street like bad garbage on trash day! Just stinkin up the neighborhood!
You should know that my thoughts came out like this after some bazaar game of questions. Shawn, Twin, X, Myself and a few others were engaged. I was sooo clearly and purposely inebriated and felt like expressing all of this after people left. I really don't expect many to read all of this, and I expect fewer to actually comment on it. I just needed to get this out. It's not out of my system, just in the atmosphere. Yea, its random! Yea, it may be repetitive! Yea, it might even be boring! Its whatever, because i just feel like crying right now and right after this sentence i will start...
17 thoughts:
wow been a min since i commented on anyones post lol but here we go. I do feel that its possible to love more then one person just not like in a romantic . There are many types of love but, just seems like to much to be in love with one person let alone two and that goes for alot of people.
As far as the whole soulmate thing i have been reading books in my many free days out here about soulmates and things of the sort. I very much believe that everyone has someone created just for them, there soulmate but i feel it is a single soulmate. If you feel you have two then you may have not even found your one true soulmate.
But i am glad that you are feeling better though
When you have done all that you can do....STAND....Stand on the word of God.
ok so imm try and keep this short...key word try lol..well first congrats on payin that bill. we all have to go thru different situations that make us stronger, wiser, and the like. I jus wonder sometimes...how much crap do I have to deal wit??? Jus gotta have faith that God puts us thru these things for a reason.
You and I have spoken about a number of things u addressed n this post recently and n the past so I won't repeat it but u know I feel u on a lot of wut u said. Now if only we had the answers to some of these questions
Wow - this is a hot post. It makes me wonder if things are really okay with you...not externally, down in your heart. It seems to me as though you need come heart mending. I think you probably know that.
But, you still wrote the hell outta this. Taking it straight Donnie - at the end, all you can do is Stand, right?
Wow great post, IMO it's all a point of growth and maturity (not saying you lack any of it) It's a point to where things are sinking in and you are becoming aware of yourself, all of your ability and confidence is there, you have to channel into it, no one will ever inspire; love; challenge or treat you better than yourself, so why not indulge in your own self truth(s)?
on the love issue, it all takes time; it takes some healing and forgiving yourself. All things happen for a reason, take stock in that experience, what you learned from it and eventually as you move forward you will look at those things in a more positive perspective. It's all about bridging that gap between what was and what is to come.
bravo! I'm proud of you! this is what we needed to hear in order to understand you and where you're coming from, thanks for opening up, and being honest, i know it hurt you to put it all out but i know when the tears dry up you'll feel better.
i couldn't agree with you more when you said you wanna coming into the person you are becoming with someone, that is amazing and something i want more then anything as well. :)
take a listen to Stand by Fred Hammond, that is the only thing you can do right now.
I definitely feel like growing with someone is the best way to grow into yourself. I've got a target in sight, but it keeps moving away from me...
But what is Love?
That's been my problem.
Define it...
You at a crossroads,and no
it is not selfish or crazy...
just take it day by day,minute
by minute and if it is meant
to be ,it will be......manchild
start with the basics: it can't be your time because it is Obama's time.
check your watch after election day !
Nominated you for Honest Blogger Award; see my page for details.
Well first of all, have you ever had this many comments before?
And secondly, like you said this post was a bit long. It took me a couple of days before I committed myself to reading it.
But lastly, you made me want to cry. I didn't cry, but I wanted to. You hit all the points that I try to hide from others and sometimes from myself. You wrote about things that weren't enough and yet that was all there was and I knew what you meant. I knew where you came from because I've been there. Maybe I'm still there. Maybe I'll see you.
Boi you gonna make me shed tears and I do not want to go there being that I have done my share of weeping this year, no more I cry.
Fuzzy what in the name of: Love is wrong? This can't be over no man, haven't I told you in my blog that "man will fail you everytime?" Believe in you and do what is right for you!
Lil Brotha, you are far to intelligent and you certainly seem to be a nice catch for some young man, but you talking about loving two at the same time; don't even go there because you will most certainly experience heartbreak and some more shitt!
Didn't pay bills for a month, now you are playing a risky game and your credit score will be jacked! Take sometime and do self inventory order what you need for you and discard the bullshit that hinders you from growing and enjoying life, live don't just exist. Boi you got a lot going for you.
Depression lets not even go there because I have suffered from time to time with depression, and it is no punk! Be strong and take good care of you.
I'm waiting for a new post...
(smacking gum like the corner hoe)
" HONEY !..... GET ON THE PROGRAM !!! "
My only word here is : " proactive "
What's goin on right now is that you're taking a cute lil' nap on the beach while everybody is packing their stuff and finding a place to be secure in case of a tsunami.
WAKE THE @#$* UP !
oh i don't do feelings lol... so " the path " is all i'll comment on
Aw Fuz.
I'm so glad that you wrote this and got your feelings out.
I think that you might need a change of kind attitude and think of something to use as motivation.
Good Luck Fuzzy!
;-)
So much on your mind, so many questions, so few answers. Perhaps it's time to search for a professional to aid you on this journey into yourself and your understanding of life, people, and relationships.
I believe in you and your abilities, and with a little help I think you will discover more about yourself and find some inner peace.
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