The Open Relationship

 The idea of an open relationship could be represented in the “have your cake and eat it too” cliche. I severely disagree with that logic. I feel as though you might be able to have some cake, even eat some too, but there is a cost to all of this cake. 

I’ve been involved in 2 open relationships and I am not the spokesperson for condoning open relationships. People often say they don’t work, someone is going to get hurt, or some variety of situation like that. Others may judge the relationship and talk about why you’re even in one. He/she doesn’t do it the way you want, or even the right way. Ranging from underperformance to intimacy issues all they way across the country and back! Y’all know how people are. My first relationship with Gabe didn’t work, and it wasn’t because of the open part. It was because of the abuse I got and how it was not a healthy mental space for me to be in any longer. The arrangement worked pretty well but the person in the relationship didn’t work out well at all. 

Fast track into the next open relationship with Robert, the one I’m currently in. I LOVE IT! My takeaways are so much more positive than the negative. The negative here is the jealousy and how we define and label how open we’re going to be with our relationship and the rules that govern it. A healthy relationship should be one that both parties involved can agree upon, respect and abide by. If any of those things falter, then there’s the beginning of the end of that open relationship. 

I’ll use Author as an example to how things can go wrong. I like Author. I like him as a bit more than a friend, most likely more than I should but there’s a boundary that I am not able to cross even if I wanted to. He has a boyfriend and I made a promise and a vow to not cheat AND I feel that Rob is my ONE ride or die to the end. No matter the feelings associated with him, it can only go so far on my behalf. Robert doesn’t understand why I spend so much time with him. Why I do things with Author that make me happier than doing them with Rob. He views Author as a threat, even though I was more than happy for the two to meet so he can see how the vibe exists between us two. Not as much of a threat, but prolly still a threat. Thats one aspect in one situation how things can just get complicated. 

Same scenario as before but from a different perspective. Instead of Rob being jealous, consider my feelings toward Author. Someone I like, vibe with and enjoy spending time with has a boyfriend of his own. Rob is jealous of Author, but I’m jealous because of the boyfriend. It’s not for reasons you might believe either. I’m not jealous that he has a boyfriend, I’m jealous because I love attention and because of life and his commitment to the boyfriend, I cannot get the amount of time I want from him. I’m left waiting for text replies. I can’t text or call during certain points of the week. It’s rough to have a friend who is something more than a friend and be left on a sideline. It’s worse than being the 3rd wheel or the mistress or whatever the male version of mistress is. I have a WHOLE boyfriend that I love and in addition to that I have a guy who has a boyfriend that I have more than friendly and sexual feelings for also! Oh the tangled web I’ve woven.

There’s still yet another hypothetical side to be considered. Think of Author. He’s admitted to the awesome connection. Him and his boyfriend aren’t open really. They are in a hard space and are trying to be together despite family and living situational issues. It’s hard to deal with a strained relationship and here comes a guy who you connect with who is in a relationship of his own. What is there to do. Who do you talk to about that. I have the blogosphere to talk to, I think! Idk if y’all are even reading anything I say. Do people blog still? Do they read, lol? It’s cool either way. 

The final perspective to be considered is also hypothetical. The boyfriend of Author. He’s the only one who is really out of the loop. He doesn’t know any of this is happening! At least Rob is aware of the happenings I’m having because I communicate with him about 90% of what’s occurrences. Poor boyfriend is clueless. What if he finds out? How will he find out? How will he react? What will he do? How will Author recover? Will he need recovery? Will he blame me? So many directions this whole situation can go.

All I know, open relationships are harder than traditional relationships. The amount of opportunity you expose yourself to is unreal. The temptation is unrivaled. It could be super messy or the dream of a lifetime! I thought I had it easy until Author came along and fucked things up. It’s quite a shit stir, as he’s the reason I felt the need to dust off my keyboard and hit the keys. It’s like my confessional sorta. I’ll bring you along for the ride if you’ll strap yourselves in and follow intently. 

Just Keep Wondering…

I’m Addicted To You

 I remember so very clear when Grindr and all of the “grid apps” came out. It was sorta like the inner thot in me awakened. At first I used the apps to increase my chances of finding some to date. When I would have my carnal cravings and urges, I’d use the apps for hookups. It wasn’t until I found happiness in a relationship that I would use it to find friendship. What the current story is now, I just don’t know!

Currently, I find swiping from profile to profile soothing to some degree. It’s like a fidget spinner for me. I could actually swipe myself to sleep and I’ve done it several times. I don’t have any reason to even be content with the selection of guys available because of what comes my way. So, I place a profile up with what I’m looking for, my expectations and what I wont allow in the nicest of ways that someone can say something direct. The gist of the text says, no nudes, no quick meets or fucks and lets be friends before discussing any of that. What ends up coming my way are guys who send me the nastiest of dick pics, work out asshole photos, thirst trap convos and thot advances. What generally will happen is I’ll turn them down, when they message me in the 1st place, and be called ugly and fat and some variety of something less than pleasant. All the while, they were the ones advancing toward me and initiating conversations with me. Like, where do they do that at?

The struggle lies with going online just to see who’s online. I am thinking it’s possibly because I have hope that I will find a friend who might match my expectations who just so happen might be sexy enough to fool around with. Having an open relationship has its perks. It takes patience to deal with all the foolishness, stereotypical one track male mind, hormones and testosterone that’s on overdrive. So I sift thru the bullshit looking for anything to be caught and left behind. There’s hardly anything left ever. Some tiny pieces get caught and I get excited, but they fake the talk and the walk. The time I take, and lengths of conversation I have usually uncover the true intentions of people. The idea of “let me say what he wants to hear so I can meet and fuck” will not work with me. I am always in analysis and cross checking what people say and do. Guys will always show their true colors when you give them enough time and opportunity, myself included. Maya Angelou even said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” So, all I use is a tool called time and my God-given eyes.

I have no clue why I use these apps with such a low success rate. I don’t know why I keep coming back day after day after day after day! I’m like a broken record feeling helpless in an endless loop of insanity. It’s probably my crazy need of friendship that I’ve craved since I was a small kid. Maybe I never felt fulfilled with who I had as my current friends. Maybe I crave attention. Who knows?

I even had the paid subscriptions to Grindr and Scruff. So, what I’ve decided to do is not renew my paid subscriptions. It makes it easier to not scroll aimlessly through the grid. With all the ads that pop up after ever other profile are annoying and I do not have endless profiles to search through. Also, I will set a goal of one more friend to make and then to remove myself completely.

I swear it’s like a drug and a bad habit. I have no idea how I even allowed this type of thing to consume my everyday life for multiple times and occurrences throughout the day. Simply amazing! So, I may be looking for a hobby soon. I will definitely need something to fill all the time I spend swiping through bodies on my phone. I desire to be Grid-Free and able to refocus my attention to something that matters more. We’ll see what happens over time. 

Just Keep Wondering…

Enter Authur…

 I am currently 36 years old. I started having sex when I was 18 years old. My first mind blowing sex was when I was 19. I allowed myself to relax and become one with a man. The pleasure I allowed myself to experience was unlike anything I could even accurately describe. We had several sex episodes over the corse of 6 hours. How I didn’t want to leave! I mean, they kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, a few different places on several floors. I don’t have the words to allow you to paint the picture I’m painting! Craziness!!!

Fast forward to 28 years old and I experienced my first orgasm from sheer pleasure. The one thing I couldn’t attribute to the best sex ever, happened at one of my own sex parties. Yes, The HoDown hooked me up! It was unexpected from a guy I would have never really had sex with. His dick looked good and the TV glare shined in a perfect way and I felt froggy. So, I leaped! In just a few mins later, this man managed to make me feel so hot, and wet and sexy and all of these feelings of greatness traveled to my dick and I filled my chest with nut while my arms were pinned against the wall. I may have even got some on my face as I’m remembering, lol. It was my second most memorable experience. 

Enter Author…

Author is a man who I met in 2018 or 2019 who I met and was very interested in dating. I had a great time with him and it was not great timing on his end for several reasons. It left me sorta paralyzed and helpless when he decided to sever communications. It was sex and it was great and I wanted more. I was shot down. It was like a good high you wanted to experience over and over again. Then you’re told that the drug isn’t available anymore. Now, you’re in withdrawal. SMH!

Fast forward, Jan 2022, our paths crossed again. This time there are two factors that are differently unique. The first was sex was what was supposed to happen. What ended up happening was an experience combining the first two experiences mentioned above. Mind blowing sex and a orgasm to seal the deal. This time, because of my tendency to always ask questions and discover why things are the way they are, I can say there was this comfort level between us that enabled us to elevate the sexual experience to a spiritual level. That type of connection was one for my book rated as TOP NOTCH! The second factor enters in when he feels that same connection and accepts it. We had a talk about what happened years before and how I felt and what was going on in his life and it would not have worked out for us in many aspects. All to say good things to good people in the good time we’re supposed to receive them. 

Here’s the scary part, I have a boyfriend and he has a boyfriend. We agreed to remain friends. There was a connection there that neither of us wished to cut off. If it was just a friendship that could flourish that would be what would happen. If there’s more, then we can add more. We’ve even hung out my bf and him and ON MY END there’s no secrets. The hope is the sun moon and stars align and we can all be life friends. It’s a tall ask for such a new friendship but that’s how deep this connection is. I’m just amazed this even happened and I can talked about it. I can’t wait to add a chapter onto this Author series.

Just Keep Wondering…

1 Year Already?

 I can’t believe it’s been a year since I found some time to write to you all about myself and life and all of that. 2021 was quite the eventful year. I lost my father in July. I got a promotion in October. I either discovered that I have anxiety issues or developed them sometime after July. I went ring shopping with my boyfriend. I managed to have my first family dinner with all of my siblings at one time. My income changed. I decided that I am going to go back to school with intent on finishing. So much happened! The funny part, in 2022, things are happening quickly as well.

I believe that writing here more often might be an option to help me release some of my emotions, feelings and provide an opportunity for me to begin to find some kind of peace. Panic attacks, increased heart rate and dealing with everyday things worry me and well I must start to feel better. They say talk about your problems and get them out in the open. They say express yourself. Well, lets give it a go!

There’s been some developments in my emotional life, some are pretty racy and others may be concerning to some, probably myself first. I’ll bring the blogosphere along for every step of the ride and hopefully grab some feedback in the process. If not, it’s cool. Writing is quite enough for me. 

Here here for 2022 and all the many surprises there will be to come!

Just Keep Wondering…