The me that I am and will become... 8/20/08

I am this unpredictable person. you can predict me.
I am this unforgettable person, you may forget me.
I am this vibrant person, I may be often dull.
I am this stable person, who is shaky and unsure.
I am this strong person, who is too often weak.
I am this intelligent person, that has no smarts.
I claim to have everything together, but never have any answers.
The world around me stares and I stare back.
What am I supposed to be rendering, what do I have to offer.
I am contradiction at its best state, striving to exist in a state of agreement.

I have tried over and over not to think about it. I have tried time after time to cut the tears. I've went to myself in thought in attempts to gain understanding. I have uncovered answers that I didn't find so tasteful. I found bitterness, some hatred and even envy. I was told that I get down on myself alot. I've been told that I put a new meaning on being one's own worst critic. I dig myself into new lows and people just don't understand why. I need to be this child that sits himself in a corner to think about what he has done. I honestly believe that I am not a bad person, but I make many poor choices.

Emotionally unstable, I journeyed out to place myself into an atmosphere of joy and happiness. Heavy burden, I put on a front deceiving people wherever I go. I don't know who I am. I can't identify with myself. I am still coming into myself so it is an ongoing process. How could I know what I want? How could I know when I want it? I never gave myself a chance to develop and I brought people down with me. I held onto hands as I fell in a figurative defeat, dragging them with me. I'm sorry. My heart and soul bleeds with apologetic tones. I'm sorry. I release with words because words is how it came out. I grieve with tears because that is what flowed as streams to my chest.

I never meant for things to go this way. They did. I always wanted to be there for you. I wasn't. I owe pieces of my identity to you. You have shaped some of what I have become and helped hold the spotlight to what I was and to some degree still am. Knowing is half the battle. I figure things can only get better from here.

I'm still away from my desk. I'll be gone for a significant amount of time. I'm around building myself up, constructing a strong foundation. Once the base has been completed the next step is to stand. I will stand tall and confident against the wind and the sea billows. I will withstand the many blows that I expect to come my way. I will be sure. I will be strong. I will be the man that was expected of me that I fell short of. Wait and see!

The blood has stopped and my wound is very much evident. The pain is clear repeatedly showing itself. Time can only tell how long it will be until I will be completely healed. Unfortunately time is mute, does not have lips and makes no noise.

Until whenever the next time may be!

I read this again and I felt a sense of progress, but not quite there at the place where I want to be... My eyes actually watered...