Finally Letting Go...

It's been a long time coming. I'm kinda heavy hearted, but it's necessary to have this release. I can't effectively move on into the future without letting go what is in my past. I held onto a possibility and a slim chance of things possibly changing or turning around for my good. Waiting for a second chance at something that was dead after the first. I've wasted time, and potentially ruined relationships, because I couldn't let go.

There was this girl that I had deep feelings for. Real deep, deep like having priority type of deep. We liked each other at several different times throughout adolescence and our teens. It continued even into adulthood. I just was dealing with my homo side and didn't wanna drag her into the mud with my foolishness. I invested on the idea that she felt the way she did and I hoped for a possibility that maybe one day we might get together. I fooled myself time and time again and was hurt repeatedly. There is only one person that knows the magnitude of how I feel about her and he's not around to share the intense conversations we've had concerning her. I've come to a point in my life where I can't hold onto possibilities any longer.

Shawn. I held onto this crazy notion that one day Shawn and I would meet one day and have a round two. I have functioned as his friend after we broke up, and will continue to do so. I had to release this notion from my mind. It was leading me through roads of comparison. This guy isn't this. This guy isn't that. He wont do this. He wont do that. Shawn was the standard for every guy I talked to since we broke up. Only because he is such a great guy. I have to realize what I want and look for that in other people, as opposed to seeing how much like Shawn they were. I mean no offense to you by any means and I stick to my promise of 1, bettering myself, and 2, being a true friend to you.

I had to let these two things burn in my heart to clear the way for my present and future. I feel like a new Fuzzy. A Fuzzy that was just reborn, and I'm looking forward to new adventures to come.

Keep On Wondering...

One Of Those Days

I don't exactly know what's going on in my mind, but I seem to be a bit scattered. Been this way for a couple of days. I can't really say what exactly is going on but it could be a range of possibilities. Some things have been happening with Gabe, nothing major. Some things have been happening with my body concerning strength, endurance and energy. Some things are happening with work, concerning hours, promotion and job change. I can't put my finger on any one thing, and it may be an accumulation of many different things. I could just be horny and sexually deprived. I haven't busted in a coupla days and I've been yearning intercourse. Gabe doesn't seem to be intuitive to me telling him and showing him I want the dick. Sigh... I'm beginning to wonder if I was ready for the boyfriend thing. I'm down for the ride, but the ride needs some dips, whips, loops and curves. I bore easily and I'm at odd ends trying to understand why this is happening...

I'm at work, the school, and bored here as well. I had my coffee and trying to stay awake. Gonna go to Wendy's with a coworker for lunch to listen to her gossip. That should be fun. Then, gonna come back to work and listen to the kids gossip. That's not fun, cause I know the real story for half their gossip. Ugghhh it's just a dry day for me. There isn't much excitement in my day today. I need a spark of some sort. This blah feeling has to go!

I haven't chilled wit my "friends" in quite some time, and I haven't been invited over to their gatherings either. Kinda feel like I'm not wanted with them any longer. I think I've become the new Shawn of the group. When Shawn started dating Parts, he wasn't all the craze with the group. He started to get fewer invites and I'm noticing the same with me. Oh well... life goes on!

"I don't wanna be a freak but I can't help myself..." Freak I would define myself as. It's no secret that I love and harbor sexual energy. I like to release this energy in various ways. I've been exercising my freak lately and because of increased activity, my standard of an average encounter has been raised. I find it harder to be pleased by my encounters. I'm finding it harder to be turned on by the people I'm encountering. I wonder is it age related. Hmmmm...

Speaking of age, I've never related anything to my age in my 25 years of living, until now. I'm noticing body aches, memory issues, and decreased body performance. I hate to think that I'm getting old, because I've always said that old is what I'll never be. I'll have the age without being old. I promised myself I'd be youthful for the remainder of my years. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to stick to this mindset as the years tack on. My thing is, I'M ONLY 25!!! What is going to happen at 30? I'm gonna turn this thing around and hop on top of my life.

Goodness, I'm in bad shape all around, lol! I need improvement in many areas! This has been a ramble by Fuzzy...

Keep On Wondering...

A Mouthful and Mental Overflow

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm just a bubbling over with things to say. Been experiencing a great deal and I think this might be 2-3 posts long. I plan on typing until my mind is clear. Here's your warning; you have been warned!

Kids

I have always wanted kids. Kids are cool and fun, along with bunches of responsibility. I've already proven that I can take care of a child for extended stays. I can care for toddlers and children. I can understand preteen, teen and young adult stages of kids due to work. Always have enjoyed kids. From the cleaning up after, to the learning/instructing, to the playing around with I can't complain much. I've had nieces, friends kids and problem kids; they're all the same!

Gabe had his kids wit him and carried the girl to the store for some candy. It was so precious to see and I was envious as all hell! I was green with envy because I didn't have any kid to share my life with. Nobody to depend on me! Nobody to look up to me! Uggghhhh I was upside down when I saw that. The only thing that calmed me down is that I was not financially or economically ready to have a child. I would definitely choose the route of Artificial Insemination and find a carrier. I would have to, gotta get my nut all cleaned up before I mix it up wit a clean egg. lol. That's a whole other topic!

Shit will start aligning itself with my life. when it does, I'm gonna be enjoying the benefits of being a father. I think I'm gonna be a damned good one too. I just wanna start as early as possible. One never knows how long you will live when you have visitors swimmin in ya blood! Live life to the fullest while you have it. 25 is going to be a great year too, I invite you to enjoy it with me!

Just Keep Wondering...

Against The Majority

Gabe and I are seeing more of each other and we're calling each other boyfriends. I swear I didn't even see this coming when I met him. I met up wit him to just chill wit him at Shawn's new years party. We smashed that night and I didn't really have much of a second thought about him. My attention was with Steven. Remember him? Yea... Gabe came to my rescue and scooped me out of my funk. He was my Super Man and I was very grateful. He claimed he was just being real and tellin me not to be beat over some dick I never met, I interpreted it as an act if kindness. That was the door into his personality and I opened the door and walked in.

To the outside eye, Gabe is probably everything that people would steer clear from. Possibly even create detours to avoid the very contact. I saw Gabe for Gabe and I wasn't complaining, nor running towards the nearest exit. His personality is just what I need. Someone who is real and who doesn't bullshit. He has this way about him that I believe is hardened and firm. You could say he's in that "can't teach an old dog new tricks" stage. I somehow make him see the other side of things. I've been raised by my mom to go about things many ways and to examine the situation to take the best stab it the thing. Gabe just goes a poking! An open mind is a gateway to further understanding. He has the open mind. Judging by the people in his life, I don't believe he's been led outside the box too often. This is where I come in. I've led him outside his mental box and I believe its been for the better.

In retrospect, he's taught me many things that I never knew about because of where I come from. He's had to raise himself, been through many urban hardships and has had a rough set of cards. He's been very fortunate so far to come out so well. I've had more of a controlled and sheltered life. Taught morals and was around phony picture perfect families pretending all was ok. From different worlds we come from but we can offer each other our experiences from said worlds. I've seen the benefits.

In the past, my bf and I have shared worlds with our friends. We've come together and functioned properly. Here, this is not the case. I don't believe my "friends" are in support of me dating Gabe. Marlon could possible by the only one and only because he's always been supportive of my choices. He's always there to help me pick up the pieces when things go wrong. He gives me the reality of things as he sees it, and lets me go the way I choose. I do sorta feel some kind of way that the majority of my "friends" don't care for him and all have some attitudes towards him. I could take it as a healthy sign, but not one of them but Jay has tried any sort of reasonable effort to get to know him. How can you judge someone without knowing about them and where they come from? Hey, these are the "friends" I have.

I'm not going to pretend like I agree with everything Gabe does, nor how he does it. I'm sure He has certain dislikes about me! We advance ourselves by communicating these things and building common grounds for further advancement. Some of those "friends" say I'm settling and I shouldn't do that. I kindly inform them that they settle on a daily basis! No, you shouldn't settle, but who is going to find the perfect man? Who is going to find the perfect woman? Who is going to land themselves in a perfect situation? If they are not perfect, I hate to tell you but, YOU'RE SETTLING!

I don't like going against of the majority, but I'm going to do just that. Gabe has my emotions and makes me happy. I enjoy putting a smile on his face and he loves to do the same! We're growing and I'm taking it for what it is. FUCK THE MAJORITY! No offense! lol

Just Keep Wondering...

Living In Sin

Being raised religious, Pentecostal at that, it was said that living with someone outside of marriage was to be living in sin. I never planned on doing this. Sinning and living in sin, to me then, was two different things. I had plans on how everything would unfold. The process of house/apartment hunting together, if I didn't already have substantial housing for the both of us, financial responsibilities, along with shared mutual goals to be achieved for the rest of our lives. Yea, you read correctly, it would be a lifetime arrangement. I had it all planned out. Here's the thing, I always envisioned this wit a chick.

I been having dreams of settling down with an unknown guy in this secluded house in a remote location. Me and the dude were happily committed. I was only able to observe myself in the dream, while witnessing a black masculine silhouette in the scenery. I was more of the lover and caretaker of the house, house wife if you will. I made sure breakfast was ready before I left for work, made lunch for him to take, and had dinner ready when he was expected to be hungry. I showed him love at all times of the day and night. I gave him myself and he the same and we satisfied each other beyond expectation every time. It was picture perfect. I couldn't believe what I saw! I never pictured myself settling down and sharing my living space with a male partner. Not only am I now seeing this, I'm comfortable with it!

I'm not even sure why this change of feeling has occurred. It could be due to the recent year added onto my life. Maybe some sort of change unknown to me. Spring maybe? I just don't know! This strange urge to settle down is more severe than ever before and its becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore.

Just Keep Wondering...

Pleasure In Fire

I see the fire, its hot. Hotness undefined, radiant with danger. I see the fire, untamed. Defiant with urge and passion. I see the fire, honestly raw. Tempting with spark and flare.

It gives warning, suggesting severe caution. I take a step. Stepping, a process of movement. Movement towards the fire. A movement with guesstimation of a certain probable future ending. A Leary stride advancing towards desire and peril. I took a step.

pleasure and pain, a pair too often joined at the hip. They get off on threesomes. When rubbed together, they create tiny embers. I am the oxygen. I fuel the fire. Pleasure and pain have been my partner for a while.

Scorched, burned and charred I've been. Yet I return to the fire. A different fire, but the same nonetheless. Same danger, same result. You play with fire and fire plays with you. It consumes you and tosses you to the side in a useless state. Fire... I attract it and it me.

I'm still yet walking towards the fire...

Just Keep Wondering...