I wish to take the time to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and a prosperous one at that! I hope your holidays were great, Christmas was awesome and time spent with family and loved ones were awesome.
My thanksgiving was one for the books. I usually spend my turkey day with my brother's family. I eat, put up with being straight for family, deal with whatever football game is on and explain why my girlfriend isn't here. This year, I watched movies and ate dinner at my first lady's (pastor's wife) house with very few people. No lavish food, none of mom's sweet potato pie, no special cakes, nothing. After I went home and life resumed without any significant marks. My thoughts were, Christmas will be better. Lemme tell you...
Christmas this year was also one for the books. I usually spend it with my nieces and they make me forget that I'm broken on the inside and I show my love and strong points externally to keep up the holidays for them. Gifts are exchanged, there's a 2.5 hour trip filled with gospel celebration there and back, awesome food, brother time, sister time and then work 2 days after. Christmas is always Christmas eve, Christmas, and the day after. This year, I needed to speak at my church on Christmas day and work the day before and day after. There was no Christmas for me. I sat here at home, invited those that told me they were having a slow Christmas also, and waited for them to come. 2 came, one was on the phone the majority of the time, the other tried to hit on me. Sad, I know! They all left and I'm home with my phone and tv. Christmas is now over.
New Year's comes and I have worked all of New Year's Eve then went to church directly after. Stayed there with good convo until 4am. Prolly, though it may seem minimal, this day was highlight of the holidays. Most fun I've had and it was just talking. Yet it seemed so uneventful. Later on, I had a game night at 7pm. All was well until some questions came up about Britney's birthday this past summer. Britney is the girl who I thought was gonna be my actual wife someday. I got some answers concerning unresolved feelings that left me uneasy. Then follow up texts the next day show that the wife thing ain't gonna happen. Not much of a gambler, and really shy. So, she was my only female prospect and the only woman I've actually been attracted to for years. A bit devastated under the cover, but the supporting friend on top.
In the midst of the holidays, Jose comes along. He's my prince from Venezuela. He comes in, handsome and caring, wearing a genuine facade, making me believe he likes me. In reality, he's made his way into my heart, made me speak his language, and fall for him when he's got a family already. Yea, I said it! Married with a 9 y/o daughter. I said there was something wrong with him and he was too good to be true, and he was. He is either going to use me for a green card or to hide out from immigration. He gave me false hope and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe was giving me back some good energy. Damn, I was wrong as hell!
I'm left feeling used, and thinking on how abused and used I'd been in times past. Maybe it's meant for me to be single. Maybe it's not in the cards for me to have kids. Maybe happiness died with my mom on October 23rd, 2005. Maybe I should just stop trying? Gabe turned my optimistic character into that of a pessimist. Time apart, I mean years apart, has started to restore my ability to see the glass as half full. I gotta be honest, I feel like the glass is almost empty.
In current times, I believe there's no man for me. There's no woman that would want me. A hiv positive, somewhat bisexual, who is barely independent, and thinly holding himself together. It doesn't matter what good I have to offer, people look at my hiv status and keep it moving. The plague is still real and quite a hindrance. I don't know if giving up is the way, but it deff seems like the easier way. No more trying, no more crying, no more struggling, no more failing, no more hurting, no more anything!
It's 2017. While everybody else said happy New year, I faked it. Fuck this new year! What the hell is so special about it? Why should everybody be all excited? Another chance to do what they tried to do in 2016, and maybe many previous years also, but failed? #FOH A new year, another chance to fail just like the rest of the years. I know that's not even the attitude to have, but it's how I feel. I have low expectations from this year, and I don't think I'll make it though. However, there's one thing I know to be true, time tells all things.
Just Keep Wondering...
