Why Drama?

I'm laying down in my bed, steaming... I'm hot... this is a fresh wound. My anger is high, my rage is growing and I'm steamin! Why are people so freakin backwards? Why does family talk behind each others backs? Why do people constantly say blood is thicker than water but are the first ones to stab you in the heart, the back, and watch you bleed?

I'm feeling abandoned. The only family that I hold close is my brother, his wife and kids. I come into knowledge that he's talkin about me and my friend that's staying with me. He's feeding my father info saying that he needs to tell me he needs to go! Talkin like 2 guys in the same bed ain't right! GROW UP!!! There is a living room with my cousin and her baby here, my dad's bedroom and my bedroom with friend and myself! The only other room is the kitchen! There is no room for more beds or air mattresses. More importantly, why is it your problem? He doesn't even live here! This is bullshit and I'm over it! Stop actin like my father! The father I have ain't shit!

Speaking of the ain't shit father, he blows up at my friend this morning after I left for work. Back story... Dre came over. We played video games, talked and went out to shoprite for some juice so we can eat. Ate, slept, woke up and was off to work. I come back shortly because I have a 1 1/2 hour break. I left and go back to work. Enter the text message! My father is talkin stuff like he doesn't want any hanky panky funny business going on or anyone spending the night! this and this, that and that... whatever! Who in hell is he to say that? I pay 60% of the rent and he is telling me? Woah son... nah not happening like that!

You have done mad stuff in this house, hypocritical things at that! How are you gonna come at me left field with this? How you gonna pull the daddy card when you've done absolutely nothing worthwhile to raise me! I'm layin down and he just walked into the house and I need to go to sleep! I'm feeling violent I need to calm down...

I'm leaning towards excommunication of my father and brother and completely being alone. Its better than keeping hypocritical, caniving, and phony people around. Family is over-rated and I'm ready to write them off. I need sleep! Why me? Damn I'm so hurt right now...

Lately...

Okay, so I tried to type this from the computer but this schools internet is so bobo the short yellow bus has a problem with it! Okay so there have been some developments over the weekend. I've decided not to take the apartment. Here's why... if I stay home I have more of a chance to save more money. That way when I move out my savings account won't look like a homeless, anorexic starvin Marvin! I have enough to make it now, but I wouldn't have enough to buy myself the pleasantries that I would like. Which leads to my next development.

I've felt like I've been sleeping on a gift. A natural talent that I have in cooking and the culinary and pastry arts. In this apartment that I move into, I need there to be ample space so that I have room to perform catering duties. I need storage space for pans, pots and other equipment. Food storage equipment (freezer and a fridge) is a must! This will give me a means of using what I have to make extra money! Which, in turn, will utilizing my gift!

"Your spiritual eye is sharpening", says my pastor! During a service we were in attendance at on Sunday, some things went down that I viewed as a lil outta order. So, my pastor decided to quiz me on it, just to see if I was in line with the spirit. Clearly I passed with flying colors! His response was that quoted above. Through talks with another minister I've decided to quietly listen in the background and take notes in ministry. Pray on the calling of ministry laid out for me. Things simply don't happen all of the time. There's a lady I know of that will tell you she's saved. Then she follows with, "but I'm not delivered! Don't mess with me!" I have my vices like everyone else, so let's not judge one another. K? Lol

I did decide to give Dre my blog address. Then he said, "cool but I'm not gonna read it. I just wanted to see if you would let me into your world. Go on head wit ya thoughts shorty, I won't stunt ya expression time. Be free on ya blog!" I gagged! But at least it was a happy ending without a forced decision.

In other news, y'all stop owlin me! Don't be owlin me oh no SACURITY SA CURITY! Y'all bitches gots ta go! Lata girl!!!!!

Up and Down and Up Again!

I'm going to try to make this a quick post, since I only have about 10 minutes to type this thing and God knows how I type slow...

So Today is Shawn's Birthday! I wanna give a shoutout to him on his special day. I'm not going to say how old he is, because he wont tell you. Lets just say he's at the age where he doesn't wanna tell his age! LOL it's all good though. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Tonight, a dear friend of mine has gone on. We have known each other for just short of 3 years. Unfortunate events lead me to say goodbye. If I drank beer I'l pour a 40 on the ground for him. I'm gonna miss him. (tears up) I hope you made it to that City! (all of you holy Ghosters know what I mean)

I am no longer single! Yea, Dre and I made it official on yesterday. It's weird how I'm only somewhat excited. I dont know... I'm happy and all... I dont know! Let's see where this goes! He loves God! So, how bad could it be? lmao!

I got a letter from the NJ higher education assistance peoples tellin me I need to pay my loans! Uggghhhh Why???? lol I don't have monies like that to be giving the education peoples! Sigh... I called them (I don't call bill collectors). I only called them because they were thinking about garnishing my check! I need my monies remember!!! They told me to fill out some papers and I will be eligible for a deferment because my gross isn't more than 450 on a bi-weekly basis. (I didn't tell them I have 2 jobs! lmao... I hope they dont go digging!

I found an apartment! It's close by to my current place, closer to friends, close to jobs, economically friendly, and just the right size! I can't wait to move in! I'm so excited! I'm gonna end on an up note. So, my birthday is on April 2nd. That's this thursday. I wanna have that party but I'm not sure if I'll be ready to host a party. If I had my birthday party on the following weekend, would that be too late to have a birthday party? It would be like a week later... Let me know... Its going to be a house warming/birthday party...

Have a good Weekend Everyone!!!!!

Taste The T

My weekend was a blast. It was filled with church, working and spending time with Dre, Church friends and blogger friends. I had such a blast for real for real!

Sunday was my dad's birthday. I couldn't reach him. I was kinda glad that he was busy. He always sits around and complains on how he never gets to go anywhere and nobody wants to be bothered with him. So he was out and I left a message on his VM with my happy birthday wishes. He's 71! Here is where the T comes in!

Lately there has been a string of porn being ordered on Comcast. Who orders porn where it can be tracked? It was a gay flick ordered twice and another booty flick. Why was I being blamed? i dont order stuff like that! I have plenty on my computer! Then the blame was cast on my friend. I admit, I thought it was him, but I couldn't really make mention of my thoughts because I had no proof! We are the only guys that ummm... like guys! So, I told my father I wasn't paying for anything. It wasn't me and its not goin down like that! I told him I needed to see records so we can get to the bottom of this. Records proved that the friend wasn't in the house yet. I was at work. That leaves my cousin and my dad... Hmmm... Which is ordering the gay porn? I still have yet to find out!

Next, my cousin sees my dad on the train and thought it not robbery to give me a synopsis of her train ride. She sees him with a 40oz and some ciggs chillin, while talking to himself! On the freakin train! What in high HELL? Damn who drinks a 40oz in broad daylight and talking to himself. The T with this one was he was talkin like he couldn't wait till he got his next fix! WHAT? I swear that I need to cash in my family for a new set! Just today, when I came home for my hour and a half lunch break, I see a used condom on the floor right in the doorway of his room. Did I mention he was 71?

I'm going to an interview today for a summer position in a private school. It's paying at least $20 per hour and is for 6 hours per day monday through friday for the entire summer, or the bulk of it. I have a hookup through church and hoping that all goes well. Maybe, just maybe, this can turn into something for next year until I can get myself together with this schooling! Did I say anything about hating college? I meant to... goodness! It's a freakin runaround!

I gotta get back to work. Oh, don't forget about Testimony Tuesday on Mornin Manna. Have a great Tuesday! Oh, God is Good!

I Can't Take It!

I looked at a pic of momma. I read the plastic card they give you at the funeral with a brief obituary. I looked back at her pic. I then was dragged back into time to when I was in the hospital room. It was right after the doctor told my brother, father and I that she wasn't going to make it and we could go in to say our goodbyes. I relived the pain of seeing her life slip away right in front of me. I relived the sorrow. The deep emotional days and weeks to come, I relived. All of these events flooded and congested my head in a time frame of 3 minutes. I broke down and couldn't obtain composure. I called my brother and that didn't help. He offered humor in efforts to make me feel better. I don't know what it was that I needed for comfort, but he didn't give it to me. I fell asleep for a few minutes, boo hooing, and woke up with a calmer mind. It was really an overpowering rush that I wasn't prepared to deal with.

After that, I was feeling quite odd. I was goofy, silly, serious, spiritual, all at the same time! I'm just a bit off, and a lil more than I'm wishing to admit. I'm trying to convince myself that everything is alright with me. I'm only saying that because I don't know what exactly is off with me! I went to church and, afterwards I went over to Twin's house. (official apology for an oversight in my previous post about Mentor's). There was no parking in the land of Mills, located between Pothole City and Cop Central! So, as a result, I decided to head home. I pull into Home City and get a craving for rice. I mean a craving that had me driving around from city to city looking for rice. Its about 11:15 that I really started looking but I could find nothing. I drove around for over an hour. I drove about 20-25 miles looking for rice. No, I didn't wanna make any, I wanted pork fried rice and I wanted it then. I'm realizing that I slipped back into a mental state, at the same time I was going through my motions about momma, and I had to have things my way or my way. NO OTHER WAY!!! I never found my rice. I was pissed, upset, frustrated, agitated, aggravated and about to cry. I swear I thought I was going crazy! I called Dre as he was getting off of work and he offered me some rice. His roommate made some and said that I could have some if I wanted some. I settled. It was good, but not what I wanted. He temporarily satiated me until I order 20 pounds of rice tonight and pig the hell out! As soon as I get a break I am going to get that rice!

Have you ever emotionally slipped back into time to a previous age? Started acting the way you acted when you were younger? And couldn't help it? It bothered me because I couldn't control myself! I need help on this one...

I must say...

Okay, I’ve been meaning to post something here for a good min. I actually started a post on Monday and never got a chance to finish it. This morning, however, I grabbed some free time and I'm going to post. This past weekend a fellow blogger and up and coming friend came up to visit. I regret to say that I didn't have the time to devote to him, because of church, work and more church! God is GOOD, what can I say, lol! They call him Nobody Not Really! I must say that he is just as genuine in person as he is over the phone. He's served as a phone counselor and a jokester and a friend over the phone for some time and I will say he will continue to be such. He's a cool individual and big ups to him on being real!

My Spring Conference has begun. I think this is the reason that I've been extremely happy lately. Music just moves me in such a way that I can't describe. I'm in the State Choir and gospel music has power. Simply put it can motivate, encourage, convict and compel all in one song! I love singing at the same time. I'm not the best of singers but it gives me joy. When I think of songs like I Won't Let Go by John P. Kee or Donald Lawrence's Encourage Yourself I give myself a second wind. That extra boost gets me through the day! I contributed this happiness to my newly found likeness with Dre, but I believe that he just added to my mountain of happiness! It's all good though...

Speaking of Dre, I asked him to come to church with me and he said yes. No hesitation or any questions were asked. His reply was, "No problem!" I make mention of this because church is a major part of me. I value a relationship with God. He is taking part of this major section of me. I'm not even gonna lie, I'm really liking it. I didn't have anyone that I could tote to church with me. Shawn would come but he wasn't comfortable with the church thing and I didn't wanna place him outta his comfort zone. I never pressed it. Dre and I are going to have a shoutin good time praising God! Somebody say Thank Yah!!!

In another aspect of Dre, He has lent his support to me. I mean volunteered to help me in any way. He does not want me to feel like I'm alone. He doesn't want to have to go it alone. He has the idea that when we finally decide that we're going to make this commitment we will be help meets and a team to take on the world. I thought it was cute. Hmmm I think it is cute! I'll admit, I'm not the most dependant person. I'm prideful to a certain degree. I must say I'm just a bit stubborn too! It's nice to know I have help to call on, that will ask me periodically if I fail to ask, for assistance. Shall I say brownie points?

The apartment search is up and down. I find an apartment and go check it out and they've painted this glorified version of the place on the internet/web/newspaper and when I'm standing in the shack its quite different! It's either that or I get to the apartment too late and someone has just signed the freakin lease! What are the odds of that? Slim right? WRONG!!! It's happened to me twice! I'm still holding out for a decent place to live in a decent area for a decent price. It will happen, I just need to keep looking.

Due to lack of my own apartment, and excess (note the keyword excess) funds, I don’t believe that I will have a birthday party this year. The less money that I spend, the more furniture I can buy when I move in! This, in a way, is my own birthday present! We'll see how it works out.

Finishing up with last night, I got off of work early and I was getting text after text with plans on going to Mentor's Lounge in Newark. On the outside of the building, it says Club Mentors. Any way, shoot over to Newark, pick up Dre and we're off. On a freakin Tuesday night, I had a ball! I wouldn't take it back. However, I must say that I wish I would of stopped at 1 drink! My stomach is turning right about now! X, X's G-Brother, X's BFF, Shawn and Shawn's BF were there and we all bugged out. I was satisfied with my night. Maybe I might go back this Sunday!

Well I gotta go sit around somewhere. I love my job!

To tell or not to tell...

I just posted a blog and comments and emails on the post started to flood in. I have my phone set up to get my emails automatically and blogger forwards me the comments as they are left on my blogs. Dre comments on how "HOT" my phone is and inquires on why. I told him they are emails from comments on my blog. He was taken back that I would keep a blog and made mention that he wanted to start a blog. Then he wanted to know what my blog address was. I hesitated on giving that info up. I like having this as a private forum to vent about him without his ears coming into contact with my opinions. Plus there is much here that he could take the wrong way. If i keep denying he might think I have something to hide. What do I do?

Just like old times!

There was a brief verbal interaction between Twin and Dre on Sunday night. Apparently Dre was claiming me and Twin was like uhhhh I don't recall giving you my stamp of approval. I started thinking. I thought some more. Then some more... what? It takes me awhile to think! So what if I'm slow, lol! You gotta think things through sometimes! So, anyway, I didn't see a problem with Dre meeting my friends. After all, this is my family. My closest of friends. The cream of the crop! I took it a step further. I invited X, the friend who is staying with me, Shawn and the boo. It was a get together on a Monday night! It's been awhile since we've gathered in the weekdays. It reminded me of old times.


The original plan was to get together and order Chexican again. I was feelin that idea. I wanted to take it up a bit. I put the idea out there to do like a potluck and everybody just pick up/cook something and bring it to Twin's place. That was dismissed, lol! There wasn't anybody but Twin and me going to do actual cooking so that was far out! We decided again on the Chexican. I picked up Dre from the train station and went to the store and back to his place for a refreshment. (lol) Next destination, Twin's place. There's games, music, TV and of course (after a gagillion hours of waiting for X and his BFF Steven) Chexican. Did I mention Get Right? Dre really likes the Get Right too; he talked about it all night. Big Ups to Twin and his Get right! ::crowd cheers::

The night ends with me cuddled up in bed with Dre. We talked, hugged, kissed, rubbed, grinded, kissed some more, licked, held, caressed, and kissed some more! We woke up to my phone telling me that I have work, lmao! Thank you Ra$^*&$% Public Schools! I need my monies, a dude tryin to move! After the call, then it was a repeat what happened before we fell asleep. I didn't wanna go. He didn't want me to go. He had class. He wanted to skip and spend the day together. I said nah... I need my money and he needs his education. We agreed to go where we needed to be, lol! He asked me if my friends liked him. I told him that everyone liked him and Twin gave his stamp of approval! lol So, now we're officially talking now. I don't know if my label would be boyfriend as of yet but he s definitely working toward this! I'm happy!

Just like old times, a great night of fun, followed by a great night of bed time! I'm really feelin how things are going with me right now. Things are definitely on an upward slope.

Oh, I'm trying this piece on Mornin Manna. It's called Testimony Tuesday. It's just what the name indicates. On every Tuesday, I'm trying to start up a Testimony thing a ma jiggy! lol Give an encouraging word, share a miraculous story and/or just share the goodness of God! You may click here :: Mornin Manna :: for more details.

Well its only taken me most of my day to write this post so yea... I'm off to work. Hopefully the night isn't too long and I will be out soon! See y'all next time...

Life goes on!

I am just going to say I'm walking away from everything in my life that doesn't or shouldn't matter. Why should I continue to keep people and things around me that has no place and/or means me no good? Therefore, I'm walking away! I'm ready to dismiss this friend, informally known as Mrs. Bitch! She is in her own funk right now and isn't being beneficial to me right now. She is in situations with her family. I've tried to help that, she doesn't want my help. She is in situations with her home. I've tried to help with that, she doesn't want my help there either! I've tried having general conversation about nothing severely significant and she avoids deep conversation. I'm walking away. She can do things on her own for all I care. I'm not turning my back on her but I refuse to waste my time on someone that doesn't care! I'll be here when she gets her act together! Life goes on and I'm going on with mine!

I was having a conversation with the friend living with me. He was telling me how he doesn't like a specific teacher and why. "She made a comment about these two lesbians holding hands and being flamboyant in school. That just rubbed me the wrong way and I don't like her!" Is that all? Really Friend? You need to get over your childish mentality when it comes to dealing with people. She wasn't even talking about you and you took things to heart! What is it going to take to get you to realize that life is real and reality is going to slap you in the face something serious if you don't wake up and smell the coffee! Worry about yourself and don't be involved in the affairs of others. Focus on getting your life straight. When you are perfect then you can begin to point out others' faults! (Enter his attitude) (Exit fuzzy) LOL Life goes on and I'm going on with mine!

I'm almost at the point where I can care less what people think about my lifestyle and me. It is getting real tired dealing with others' opinions and trying to save face in front of them! I'm Fuzzy! I'm an individual just like everyone else. How I choose to live my life is up to me. If you don't appreciate it then you can move on! Life is too short for me to be worrying, all of the time, about what everyone else is thinking about me. Sorry! I don't choose how you act and people will no longer hold the strings of life over me. I will do as I please with who I please and when I please. Life goes on whether you have a problem with it or not! Guess what? I'm going on with mine!

One of those days...

I spent the night at Dre's house last night and I was enjoying my stay. He pulled me close to him in the bed and held me the entire night. He was ummmm excited that I was there! I was nice. I didn't play around, but I let him enjoy me through my briefs and his shorts. It does pay to take things slow! It leaves out the complications!

On the way to work, after leaving Dre's place, a traffic light doesn't wanna work in my favor. So I make maneuvers to get to another light that likes me more. The next light didn't wanna change! Ugghhhh "I'm gonna be late!!!!" So, I ran the red light. If anyone knows of Route 21 in Newark that's a ticket and an accident waiting to happen! I pleaded the blood and ran that sucka and well I'm typing to you right now with no dents or court dates! lol

I get to work. Less than five minutes later, I hear yelling in one of the classrooms. My neighbor and this teacher, that I never liked, are going back and forth and teacher kicks her out. Sigh... What's happening this week is the "S-Test" and the "HSPA" test. Very important tests for the advancement into the next grade. I bring her down to administration and she was handled in such a way without anyone asking her side of the story. This student was handled and there wasn't anything that I could do about it! I felt bad for her. Please note that neither party was completely innocent! I just feel they should of at least heard the student out before hanging her on the cross! Why are the teachers never for the students anymore?

I'm stuck on Hall Duty in a hallway that has poor signal. [damn bomb shelter of a school] I'm going to be trying to read blogs until Hall Duty is over in about lets say 3 hours!!! Yea, I got my phone working somewhat, so I'm using my phone for blogging again! Okay that's the end, my fingers are tired! I hope everyone has a good day at work, or wherever you're at and whatever you're doing! lol Be easy!!!

Turn of Events

As it seems, I've been stricken with the possibility of a new boo. His name is Dre. I can say that because it's not really his real name, but an extension of his middle name. We've been texting each other everyday. Talking to each other everyday. Getting to know each other better everyday! Yea, I'm loving the attention. He gives me the attention! He went on an birthday trip to ATL and was texting me, wishing that I was with him. I was luvin it!

I picked him up from the airport last night and we went to TOPS Diner and he had a french toast breakfast platter. He ate alone because I just finished eating Chexican (restaurant that sells Chinese and Mexican cuisine). I had a Burrito and it was grande baby! No beans though, I knew I was going to be around Dre so I didn't want to be eating any magical fruits! LOL!!! After TOPS, we went back to his place where I spent the night. I was awake for most of the night, with all the kissing, rubbing, caressing, holding and talking. He wants me for his dude and I think I wanna take him for mine. Right now, we're talking. I'm physically excited while I'm writing this post because I'm thinking over the nights events. DA DA DA DA DAAAAA I'm Luvin it!

The apartment search looks grim, not really making progress like I wish to be making. I need to expand my avenues and highways of places to seek out apartments! I want a 1BR apartment with a decent kitchen and living space. The bedroom can be small, as long as it has room for the futon! I'm still looking... I will fine a place and it will be in a timely fashion and it will be within my price range. I'll let you know what this range is when I get the apartment! lol

I talked to the network administrator and she unblocked the website. she thought a student was using it. She was cool with me using it! lol I guess I should of just asked huh? I just got off the phone with Geico, and my policy balance went down about $100 per payment! That's like 400 Dollars! I'm seeing that! Less money I have to pay!

Okay I'm off to eat lunch. Talk to you all later! Oh, don't forget to vote on the people poll on the side of the blog...