Week 1, I Can't Believe It!

August 2-9

I guess I should start on Saturday, since this all started on Saturday! Breath in, exhale! Here we go...

Saturday: It began as a pretty normal day. I spent the night over Twin's house and left for rehearsal that afternoon. It was a good rehearsal. We went through a good number of songs. I came to Shawn's place. I wanted to chill at Twin's that afternoon. He said we're waiting for Omar. He's always running late for some reason or another. It bugs Shawn and myself but whatever! Fast forward, events came to pass, words were exchanged and I was asked to leave. @-( <---upset face! I went to twins house and cried and poured out. Then went to Greg's to his first get together. I got really tipsy, but was able to drive home at like 6am. Y'all know I gotta be at church early!

Sunday: Reggie and I went to Riis Beach. Pride events were canceled but Reggie still wanted to go and needed a ride. I didn't wanna lay around doing anything. So there we went! I sat there and was sooo uncomfortable. I just wanted Shawn there. I was so used to Shawn being there. He wasn't. I felt naked as I sat there with my capris and shirt on. I tried to remain in high spirits but I had a feeling that my emotions were still seeping through the pores on my face. Then it started to rain. It was like the ocean was in a glass and it was poured on us, lol! The beach emptied like a crowded Popeye's that sold out of chicken! I hope nobody fell, cause they would of gotten their behinds trampled! On the way home we stopped by Dunkin Donuts to see a friend of Reggie's. Here is when the fun started!

Monday: I'm gonna start this day around 11ish on Sunday night! We were at Dunkin Donuts and talking with this guy. He was obviously gay, with his vans, his switch, and his stereotypically gay diction. He asked us if we could help him. He gave me 2 Ice Coffees, so I felt somewhat obligated. Reggie helped at the latter part. We made the bagels, set up the arrangement where all of the things went so customers could see, swept and mopped, and cleaned the tables. I came home and slept. I find out that this guy has a huge crush on me. More than a crush! He wants to hold me down for real for real. NO NO BOO BOO! The free donuts, and other stuff, was nice, but I can leave it behind if it's leading to any confusion with him thinking that him and I will be some kind of quick match up! lol Later on was my interview at the Hilton! I think it went well. I went in there confident and knowledgeable on what I was talking about. I impressed the human resources lady, Darien, but I could tell that I wasn't having such a good time with the Front Desk Manager. I still believe it went really well. After I got out of the interview, I got a phone call. Heart beating, sweating, trembling and preparing for the worst. The result came... I'm single! I can't believe it! I sat and I thought. Then I cried and stared. I was single... AGAIN!

Tuesday: I had an interview at this place called Boulevard 572, its in Kenilworth. It was at 12, I wanted to be early, so I showed at 11:45. I walked in and the guy was on the phone. Ten minutes later, he brings me into the dining room and asks me a few questions. I give him a few answers! He likes the feel of me and he asks if I could come in on Friday for a tasting at 3pm. I said sure! Why not? He said we would discuss schedule and pay and other specifics afterwards. I don't remember what happened that day, but that night I went back to Dunkin Donuts!

Wednesday: I sat there at Dunkin Donuts. I was going over in my mind why I was there in the first place! I didn't like this boy a bit. Not a bit! I think I just wanted someone to talk to! He listened. I was happy. I ended up doing more work. I was thinking I need to be on payroll for this! I did it because I was bored and I was having trouble sleeping. I hadn't slept well in two days and I couldn't really understand why. I have never had much trouble falling asleep. Even the week prior, I would wake up in nightmares sweating. I could never remember what the dream was about. Anyway, I took my donuts and sandwich and I came home and fell asleep.

Thursday: Reggie and I went looking for underwear. I was in a carefree mode and knew I shouldn't be spending money but I was beginning to feel lonely. People do weird things when they feel lonely. We went to a few places looking for some swim trunks for the Blackout Beach function at Fire Island. Store after store and nothing. We were at the point where we gave up, and we did. We were in search of someplace to go. We both had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Next destination, Twin's place! I noticed that Shawn texted me telling me he was home so I could bring his chair. I dropped off his chair and grabbed my paring knife that I would need on tomorrow's chef test. We got to Twins and watched TV.

Friday: After leaving Twins house, early in the AM, we went to Dunkin Donuts with a mission to get free goodies for the beach for Saturday. Mission Accomplished! We leave and I drop him off at a place to do his business. I leave and get home and cried. I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to be with. Nobody to hold. Just alone. I fell asleep wanting and desiring something holding a pillow. I woke early in anticipation of this chef test and this opening to be at 3. I was nervous. I get there and was still all over the map! My nerves was just shot and I was apt to cut myself at any given moment. I realized this and thought to myself, "whatever will happen will happen." I calmed down and was able to do what I needed to do. At the end of the night, I was offered the job. I had passed the test! GREAT! I had a job! I wasn't quite satisfied. It wasn't fulfilling my requirements for a job. It would take me out of church activities everyday during the week, not acceptable! I told him I would think about it. (I never got back to him)

Saturday: I had a boy over. So soon? It hasn't even been a week! He was country as hell. He said he was from the south somewhere, I couldn't remember exactly where. Well, anyway, he wanted a massage I gave him one (full body at that)! I was happy that I had someone to talk to. We watched the the 3rd Trois movie. I was holding him on the futon, laying down, and noticed he was turned on. We grinded, tossed and turned. All I could think about was how good he looked and how he wasn't Shawn. He left very satisfied and I was left in thought. I was horny yes, but tossed in a pool of memories. I really messed up! It is what it is. I miss Shawn. Alot! At least Shawn never left his stinch behind! :-(

After many roadblocks, figurative not literal, Reggie and I got to the beach. I saw Shawn and I panicked. I thought, "What is he thinking? Is he thinking about me? What if he sees someone he likes and tries to talk to him? He looks sooo sexy!" I walked away. I had to gather myself. I used the Deodorant as an excuse to walk away. It was chilly and I wanted to be warm, the only thing I could think of was how he used to hold me. I really messed up. I never knew breakups was sooo bad!

While I was away...

So due to the majority of the vote in favor of me posting, This was the first post that I drafted during my absence. Written on 8/10/2008, this is what I decided to write...

So, I'm gonna be honest and to the point. I said I was going to stay away from everything that was not productive. While I didn't totally eliminate everything, I did try to refrain from doing things often and in excess. I have analyzed why I do things and why I act the way I do in certain situations. I have discovered character flaws. Which, at this point, I am not comfortable sharing. I don't know whether I'll be able to share them, but know if I don't, know I'm just human like all of you!

The point of this post is to explain what you will be reading in the upcoming posts. You see I couldn't stay away from blogger, nor could I stay away from posting. I did think to myself this would be a wonderful opportunity to note occurrences and daily notes as they happen. A personal diary or journal if you will. It will contain my weaknesses, strengths, highs, lows, good, bad, emotions and feelings.

I'll be posting a weeks worth of progress at a time. This will happen once I begin posting again, and the weeks will be in real time. As of Sunday, Aug 10th, I am expecting to write a paragraph a day. I forecast myself not being able to stick to this standard. We will see!

Please note that this whole phase is to be an improvement process. I am not about to say I'm an angel, nor will I ever seriously claim to be one. I expect this to be a trial and error period. Don't judge me, or I'll get God to judge you!

I invite you to view my transitional period. I hope that it is a progress and improvement for myself.

Interjectection!

Before I start, Don't forget to cast your vote on the poll on the left side of the blog...

Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well!

All of those words at once! Yea I know I said I was gonna let you influence my next post, which would of been this one, but things happen. Some things happened at church on yesterday that would be monumental for me to mention. It just had to be said, that's all there is to it!

I went to church, after waking up at a friends place. I was conditioning myself, ever since the day before, to be to church on time. At church we had a special speaker, not to me, but to everyone else. I knew him. So, I was like yea, no surprise for me! Service was over, it was a HIGH time and I drove my Pastor to the church that he plays for. I gotta take care of him; he's a great Pastor and I don't want him over doing himself. So, that service was okay. I really don't particularly like the atmosphere at that church. I'm there for support purposes so, it's whatever.

I get back to the Pastor's house and First Lady and Sister Soandso are talking. Talking about nothing in particular but just talking about the body of Christ and whatever else subject came up. First Lady said that she had a bone to pick with Sister Soandso and I. Leaving out Sister Soandso, she told me that I was stubborn. She said that there is something that is so very small that is in my way, that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from accepting my calling.

::PAUSE::

I have had a great idea of what my calling is and have ignored it. I have only admitted it to myself and dismissed at the same time. Its been about 3 years I have known and ignored. It was something I wanted no part of! I thought I didn't fit the mold. I ran from my calling because I never got any confirmation from a trusted source!

::UNPAUSE::

She went on to ask when I would realize that I have a gift. She told me that I know the word so well, and have a clear understanding of it at the same time! She said that I have this power working inside of me that I'm suppressing. She emphasized that I didn't know what I was working with. She finished the conversation by saying that I knew about it all and I'm choosing not to embody my calling. She said that if it wasn't for God telling me this I would of never told you. "When are you going to step and be the minister God wants you to be, that you know you should be?"

I couldn't say a word. That I thought in my mind was: Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well! I felt like I just got a beating! So, I had to post this. The day I received proof of my calling!

So, I didn't know this...

Sarah Palin is pentecostal! I heard she belonged to the Church of God in Christ and I reacted! WHAT? Palin is COGIC? I needed to find out for myself. I was always told that the Church of God in Christ was the largest denomination outside of the catholic faith. Apparently, that may be incorrect. As I researched this Palin COGIC thing, I discovered the Assemblies of God. I went back in the history and found out that COGIC and The Assemblies of God are almost one in the same. There are a few differences. One baptizes in the Holy Spirit and the other in the name of the Father Son and the Holy Spirit. There are other minor differences as well. COGIC is predominately black and Assemblies of God are predominately white. Its so amazing that Jim Crow laws had a role in this split at approximately 100 years ago. What is more amazing? We are still split long after Jim Crow laws have been done away with! Just trying to find out where the unity is...

I have posted a poll and I want to see what you think. There's always a poll up! The results of this poll will determine my next post...

A Double Minded Front!

I call this post double minded for a reason. I would say this post would be focused around relationships, or lack thereof. My blogger friends from Far Far Away have been in talks with me and, through working on myself in my spare time, I can say that I'm not sure. I'll get into that in a bit...

I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.

I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...

J. Holiday - Suffocate

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I have deleted all of my naked pics. yea I know that's like a million, but I haven't had any naked pics for awhile. I stumbled upon a few that were stored in another folder that were cute, I kept those! lol. Anyway, I am on BGC. I get hit up left and right with people that are interested in tryin to sex me, and trying to be my next Boo! I have given all of them a long ass string and haven't pulled on any of them. I would say that I want to date someone again. I want to be in someone's company and have all of their attention on me. I have plenty upon plenty to allow to take me out! They all are still waiting. I don't want to lead them on, but I get so lonely at night. I don't have a text buddy I can run to. I have nobody. Or do i?

I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!

There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...

I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!

Current State: Living A Double Minded Front!

My Weekend...

So much happened this weekend! It was like the best/worst weekend I have had in a long time! Here comes the rundown!

Friday- I went to work and put my hours in. Came home and tutored some kids. Then went to my old church to hear my big cousin preach. He's a newly appointed Elder and a national evangelist for C.O.G.I.C. worldwide. He preached with a topic "What happened to the power?" and was dynamic! I came home and was in a mood to go out. Everyone had plans and I waited for a guy online to come thru he never came. I sat and waited for nothing! I drifted off to sleep with a wasted Friday night!

Saturday- My dad is coming back today. That means I have to get the house to where it was before he left! moving furniture and a few other things. I said whatever to all of that and just cleaned everything! I was determined to have a good time on Saturday. I worked a grand total of 71.5 hours this week and I won't see most of that till the end of the month! Damned pay periods! I have been exhausted all week! I wanna have a good time with whatever lil change I have to rub together! I'll make it work!

Here is where it gets interesting! Twin, Shawn and his date went out! We went to TGI's and to the city. We had a blast. I was comfortable and was happy Shawn was happy. He won't know this till reads this, but I wanted to lick him! He looked so sexy and all I wanted to do was give him a nice kiss! Did I mention I was drunk? Yea... Drunk... Its been over a month since I had sex and my hormones are really getting the best of me and I curbed my feelings and urges, even under he influence. I saw him kiss his date and I cringed a bit, but I wasn't lastingly bothered. I had fun. After the Vill, I came to twin's house and fell victim to his couch.

Sunday- I think I have my first hangover! I woke up with a headache and nausea! It was bad. I didn't wanna move too much cause I didn't wanna bear all to the sidewalk, as I made my way to my car to go to church. I get there and service was high and lifted up! I got my shout in for sure! I claimed my healing of that Got Damned Nausea! lol I hung out with my pastor for the day. He plays for another church in Newark as the senior musician.

I needed a refreshment. I went downstairs, in the church, to get a Coke. I needed to stay awake. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and admired. I know I have always admired myself, but that has always been with no shirt, nude, or in some sexual pose. This time I saw me as everyone else would see me. Fully clothed and conservative. This is the first time I have truly seen myself as attractive and liked it. I took some pics on my phone...

This is a milestone for me! I'm coming out of my insecure self and becoming a confident man. I even asked my pastor this question. "If I told you I had problems with self esteem, would you believe me?" He said he knew that way before I told him. Way before I was a member of his church. He said I try to hide it and I do a very good job. He went on to further say that God told him to watch over me because of this! 2 years ago! Ummm hello! I'm gonna need God and my pastor to stop talkin behind my back!

My Sunday is long, aint it? lol I wanted to go out to this lounge in Newark. I don't know the name, but it's on Williams St., downtown. I wanted to go with this guy I wanted to chill with on friday night. He felt bad that he's missed both of my parties, and 2 chill nights. So he offered to drive to NY to Esqualitas. Princess Janee was hosting a diva search. It was nice. What I didn't mention is that my jacket was stolen, and I got 3 tickets. @ on the way to Orange and came back to Orange to find a parking ticket. Needless to say my black ass will stay out of Orange! But the guy was cute, fun and a great time. By no means a date but two guys having fun. I'm glad that I didn't allow the first two tickets to get me down... That would of been the old fuzzy for sure. Getting depressed at the very most minor thing possible! I am changing for the better!


Monday- I really don't wish to talk about today much. I paid 2 months of rent this afternoon. I wanna say I'm sorry to a friend(s) of mine. I thought I was clear with my intentions to pay you back. I thought you understood where I was coming from. I thought saw my situation. I thought you wouldn't let this come between us. It has. I'm sorry. I never meant to take advantage of you. I never meant to take this long to pay you back. I have been busting my back for the last two weeks trying to play catch-up with everything. Working extended work weeks. Falling asleep at work, barely functioning, going sleepless nights, I thought you would see that. I said that I was paying everybody back in a previous post. I just am waiting to see the fruits of my labor. I try to be a man of my word. What I say I try to make true on! I do my best. Apparently that wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry. You'll have your money in two weeks! Again I'm sorry...

My weekend ended on Monday, at 1:55pm. "You can keep the attitude Daniel..." My weekend ended on a horrible note (text message).