Nameless

Not as great a time gap as before, and I've returned. The forecast calls for a 49 degree day. I love the snow but my car looks a mess! I'd wash it but the melted snow water on the roads thrown up by other's tires makes the wash useless. Anyway, some news! I'm moving to Philadelphia! I've applied to another Chili's down there and hopefully make more money. If not, round 2 plans will come into play; find another job! Why am I moving to Philly? Oh, I got accepted into Drexel University. Was that a whoop whoop in the audience? Thank you, thank you! You all are so wonderful!

 

I was going to write about a friend of mine who inspired me to write the post at all. When I shared it with him, about merely mentioning his disguised existence to the world, he went into immediate disapproval. I must admit I was a bit saddened. Never once has someone prevented me from writing about my feelings and emotions, or even experiences and tales. I told him how I write, how it kind of keeps me sharp and how it serves as therapy when I need it. At any rate, nobody I speak with anymore even knows I have a blog. I was excited about telling him about it. I was excited to have someone to tell about it! It's kind of dead now, moment has passed. I said I would send him a copy of it before I posted it and I will.

 

I met this guy at a party of mine. We shared a few intimate moments, sexual moments, but most importantly friendly moments. During the party, we talked and I became quite fond of him. After a couple of parties that past we exchanged personal contact information. We began to text. Being single I hoped for a real chance to be with this man in a more committed way. He became distant and private, I withdrew. I am not a fan of the chase if you understand. I began talking to Ike but things weren't turning out like I'd hoped. I believe it was one afternoon, maybe Sunday, Nameless and I had a conversation, in which my dealings with Ike came up. Certain information was shared and instead of closing up even the more, I embraced the honesty that came from Nameless. As time flows, the more honest we were with each other. I chose to put my romantic feelings aside and rejoice in the fact I finally have a friend I can talk to, text with and actually communicate. Nameless, in the tune from The Golden Girls, "Thank you for being a friend!"

 

Come January 3rd, a new chapter of my life will begin. New college, new apartment, new job, new state and new experiences! I'm a bit scared, I think I have the right to be! I'm taking on many new things at the same time and most of them in an unfamiliar place, Philadelphia. Again, my life will be unfolding and I'm bringing you all along for the ride. I count on the readers to be what you've always been to me, THERE!

Just Keep Wondering...

You Reminded Me...

So I was online, on one of "them" sites looking for potential guests for my party and possibly a nice dick to play around with. I came across someone and he reminded me I had a blog. I love this blog, and I would never delete it, but sometimes I get caught up in life and it's doings that I forget to let my followers and fans know I'm alive and doing well! In short, thanks for reminding me that I have an impact on my readers and I am missed.

My personal life has taken quite a twist from the normal. Normal would be me looking for a date, trying to fill my sexual desire, and thinking about the now. Instead, I've ceased my random sex acts, and yes I remember I throw a sex party 2-3 times a week! I've started career planning and job hunting. I applied to a few colleges. Looking to uproot and move to another area. Lots of things are in the works. I even stopped jerking off and got my first wet dream a while ago! Certainly, things are different in Fuzzy's world lately!

In efforts to change, I'm leaving my Ex behind. It's not working. Guys who I date he makes uncomfortable. He makes me uncomfortable when I may have general company over. He's anti social when I bring him places. He helps my party out but I believe I've lost clientele because of his rudeness and arrogance. His drug habit is out of control and I just want my own living quarters back. It's sad that equals he has to find somewhere else to live, but I need to focus on me.

I've been spiritually growing. My church has seen that and have requested me to become a minister. I'm already a deacon but my views on gays in religion have always been gray. Recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called "Fish Out of Water". It defends homosexuality to Christianity. It has actually changed my belief on many things and makes me more stable in my decision to accept the call to ministry. I've been running long enough. I have a God-given gift and It's time I make good use of it. I won't be throwing my sex party after I journey down that road. Sacrifices must be made, lol!

I'm anxiously awaiting for my acceptance to Drexel University. I've decided to go back to college and finish my education by any means necessary. I'm hoping to major in Culinary Arts and Minor in Culinary Science and graduate with a bachelors. Hopefully with Honors. The downside is that I will most likely have to move to Philly, where the campus is. The silver lining is in I will be free of my ex! What a joy! The downside is I will be in a new area, alone, trying many things new things. I'm not a fan of change as it is, and this takes the cake! I've got my head held high and I'm going forward. 28 years old and going back to college. It could be worse.

Along this journey called life, I've made a couple of new friends: Travis and We're going to call the other Roger.

Roger...

came to one of my parties and grabbed my attention from the very beginning. I liked his energy, I liked his looks, def was a sexy guy! The sex was simply phenomenal. This was last year. He comes back around the beginning of this year for a round two. I made the time for him at the end of the party but we exchanged numbers and kept in contact. Conversation through text was great. I called him and phone convo was even better. I was beginning to fall for him. Then he began to get distant. Over the 6 months (till present time from about April I think), I distanced myself in return and started dating a guy. I shared this with him and he was oddly ecstatic. He then tells me he was in a relationship and that's why he backed off. He thought I was getting too close and he was too moral to end current ties because of new ones. Understandable. Then we became close because of the established boundaries. I felt I should tell him of my status and I did fearfully. He tells me he was Poz too and there's no need to fear talking to him about anything. So, I have a new best friend!

Travis...

also came to one of my parties. He moved from Washington state and had no friends. We started hanging out, going different places and he's really cool. Lots of good times with him. We spent thanksgiving together yesterday. Lots of alcohol, food and laughs were shared. He may be moving back to Washington soon, I may be moving to Philly. We vowed to always stay in contact with each other. Good guy, that Travis!

Well, there's definitely more to come in the future. Thanks for being there for me and I'll be there for you. Until the next post...

Just Keep Wondering...

Feeling sexy

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A Sexual Habitual Change

I've been throwing a sex party for over two years now and I have seen so many things and experienced so many things. Some I can say I enjoyed and others I most likely won't do again. They are experiences none the less and they have held influence the sexual being I am at this moment.

The problem is I now view sex as something unemotional. Sex is the same as eating Chinese food, watching tv, playing a game, its something to do and there's nothing special about it anymore. I've seen and done way too much. The last time I had sex the guy said, "why does he always fall for ass that's not ready to settle down?" My mental response was, "why are you trying to settle down with my ass?" Coulda sworn I had personality a face, a body, hands, arms, legs, fingers and toes.

This led me to the thought of abstaining from sex until I'm in a relationship. I'm seriously considering it. I'm not a huge fan of jerking off, since I personally conquered my masturbation addiction around 2004. If I were to do this, I suppose I would just have to have more wet dreams. I might have more mood swings too. That right there would help my spiritual life, cause I would def have to pray more to keep me from snapping at someone, lol!

I think I just talked myself into it! No sex until an established relationship has been formed. This should be good. I've done a year without masturbation, now its time to buckle down the dick and lock up the booty. This should be an interesting ride. Did I mention I still suffer from the teen puberty sickness known as spontaneous erection? Yea... HERE WE GO!!!

Just Keep Wondering...

I'm 28, I Can't Believe This Happened!

Set scene, just before noontime on a Thursday morning. I woke up and feeling extra special some sorta way. My dick has its own agenda and for once in a ling time, I'm with it! It's time for sex! Yea, I have pneumonia and supposed to be resting, but its freakin boring being around the house doing nothing.

I set forth plans to get some booty and some dick to come over and pleasure me back to sleep. Apparently the universe decided to blacklist me from sexual activity. I called, texted, emailed, instant messages, emessaged, everything short of a chat line! I even tried craigslist for goodness sake! Ugggh, I fell asleep 12hours later without activity. So upset!

I dreamed I was back in high school. I was walking past the attendance office on the way to my gym class and say my brother checking in my nephew. Kinda odd, since my nephew is only like 10 years younger than me. Whatever, its a dream, I kept it moving like it was normal. I get to the gym, and there's all sorts of various sports playing simultaneously all around me. Balls of many varieties, pucks, and miscellaneous equipment being thrown, lunged, tossed and targeted at me from all angles. All I did was dodge all this stuff while running laps around the gym.

I build up a sweat and need a shower before my next class. I go lather up and the shower stops in mid rinse. I have soap all in my privates and didn't wanna stop itching. I try to turn the shower in again and surprisingly nothing. I asked gym teachers for assistance, they look past me like I don't exist. I try other showers and found one. Just as I do, another nephew of mine comes walking up on and greeted me with a pat on the back. Weird! I'm thinking, "where'd this guy come from?"

So, back to getting this soap off of me so I can get to my next class. Resuming the shower, I start to rinse accordingly and my dick is hard. Very teenager, especially in a locker room, but then I started jerking off. And before a few strokes, I was climaxing. And it felt so good there was another that immediately followed! I look up and both nephews are staring at me like wtf! I had the guilt face of a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but continued to eat the cookie, lol! Then I woke up...

Shaking, relaxed and with a tear from my eye, I came to. What a dream! I noticed my dick was hard and I felt really relaxed. Hmmm, I hastily checked to see what was going on and I felt up on my stuff. I pulled back a hand coated in nut! I'm 28 years old and never had a wet dream, and now my body chooses to show out? Wtf?

Just Keep Wondering...

I Think I'm Beat!

So, Tuesday I spent the latter part of the afternoon and the evening in Trinitas Hospital's Emergency Room. All the while I had 2 things playing in my head. 1, this would be an awful time to tell Shawn I'm positive, and all the reactions to follow. While the 2nd was, I'm in a hospital and if some crazy unexpected stuff would go down, I'd be in it alone!

Let's talk about Shawn for a bit. I think he deserves maybe a couple, or even a few paragraphs, since he's all I've been thinking about. I'm quite smitten over him. He has charm, he's polite, and good diction to top it off! Sounds like all peaches right? NO! This guy continues to wrap himself up in whatever and disregards me. Not a fan of that shit. Give me my attention while I want it and when I'm done we can part ways, lol! It's not so cut and dry like that, but can I get more than a 5 min convo outta you? Or a response to a text sometime between leaving work, going out with the fellas or whatever and sleeptime? I don't like being a bugaboo and I def don't like being the sole person designated to initiate all interactions. That quickly gets tired and will cause me to lose interest. So he says he's going to call tomorrow before he goes to work. I'll keep an ear open!

...

So fast forward about 10 hours. I've fallen asleep and woken up and continuing my post. Shawn didn't call. Here's my issue, don't say you're going to do something you're not going to do! It's better a man not vow than to vow and not keep it! Mad that I had to take it to scripture, but I'm a lil astounded.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to not call or text him and see how long it will take for him to reach out to me. If he doesn't contact me in 1 week I will make the wtf call and call it a day. I'm not trying to be this man's number one priority, but can I get a decent 4 or 5? Before any of you start thinkin I'm tripin kinda early, this is a guy who said that he cares about me and is serious about getting to know me. I'm only acting based upon his own words.

I have pheumonia, and I'm gonna try not to stress it too much. Got my netflix, my drugs and my water. Bedrest here I come! :-(

Just Keep Wondering...

Fuzzy, Single For 7 months!

Stop the Presses! I'm Single!

 

Over the past 10 years, since High School years, I've been in a relationship most of the time. There hasn't been too long of time that has gone by before I started entertaining the next Fuzzy's BF. This year is no different! As I've grown and matured, while experiencing many things, I can better weed out things I don't need in a mate. Yes, I AM looking, I just haven't found a ripe peach in the field yet!

 

I broke up with Gabe in January. By the time April came along I was seeing Darrius. Darrius just turned 33 when I met him in March at one of my parties. He was a guest brought along against his will by another guest. He didn't enjoy himself and on his exit I managed to get a rise outta him. We exchanged info and I began to text him. Before long, we were getting to know each other and getting acquainted. I shared my status with him and while initially alarmed, he didn't seem to have a problem. I was infatuated, he was sexy, big dick, fat ass, fun, competitive and sorta charming even! What I didn't see was his Nigga-ism. This guy was GHETTO! Never has any money, always needs a ride, never wants to travel and always wants to stay home. Party of it was because he didn't have a job! He was getting unemployment checks living from check to check. My biggest issue was how you gonna be poppin mollys, getting turned up, and going here and there but when I ask you to chill we gotta stay home, at YOUR house? Personally, I feel that he couldn't handle my positive status and was looking for me to leave him alone. All of that really killed my vibe, so I had to let him go!

 

Enter Shon! He's cute, self employed with a catering business, has aspirations and dreams. Always has money, words cooperative hours to my work hours and is versatile. Relationships aren't about sex but you're a fool if you don't consider sex before getting into a relationship! Anyway, my hangup with him is communication. He's always late. He never answers the phone. He's slow to respond to a text at all times of day, and seems like a shifty guy. That and he lives in New Brunswick. Its not far, but when you wanna chill it's definitely not around the corner. I feel like he wasn't interested in me when he brought a date to a beach outing I organized. I just read the writing on the wall and had to let him go too!

 

Enter Shawn! Sexy, Jamaican, tall, youthful, driven, lives relatively close (15-20 mins away), and I think he's even vers! Proper speaking guy, educated with a job, car and apartment. That's the good. The bad is still yet to unfold. This is the most recent meet and though a lil excited, I have my guard set extremely high. I'm not tryin to get my hopes up and have them crashing down again. I already know he may be a mommas boy, cool by me. If my moms was still around I'd be callin her everyday too! He tends to disappear and forget he has a phone at times. I'm not a stalker or anything, but you get 2 calls and 2 texts per day before I stop reaching out. He tends to hit me back whenever, not a fan of that but it could just be bad timing on my part. Time will tell.

 

Here's the tea with me. I'm a single man, who many may consider very sexy, cute and handsome. In 2013, I make my own money, drive my own car (a nice 2005 VW GTI), have my own apartment, credit isn't that bad, graduated college, have goals dreams and ambitions, all of which make me nicely marketable. Plus I'm a freakin church boy with ol' skool southern influenced upbringing! Many have said I'm a great catch. Where are the mitts?

 

The down side, I'm HIV positive. As much as people say its 2013 awareness is up and you can be careful and this and that, guys still are fearful of HIV. Men have the wrong information about the virus and they judge and make stereotypes about us and don't even give us a chance. So, I have to strategically plan when I disclose this information. It's always an awkward and uncomfortable conversation and I always go into the talk prepared to be hit, cursed out, let down and disappointed. This is my life, and because an idiot asshole decided he wanted to poke holes in condoms and infect people now I have to deal with this. The down side keeps sloping! I live with my ex. We broke up yes, however we are business partners for my sex party that I have been throwing for over two years. He is a financial help to the apartment and a partner to my party and it makes sense to keep him around. To someone who is trying to date me, their perception is quite different.

 

I'm single and I don't know for how long. It's not by choice, it's by happenstance! I hope this changes soon, Summer is ending and I would love to end the summer right and enjoy the beautiful autumn colors with someone.

 

Just Keep Wondering...

Making My Way Back

I was talking to a old friend of mine, I suppose you can call him an acquaintance, about yesteryears and how things formally were. Friends coming together, having fun, hanging out, chillin and enjoying "life". I asked him, "what happened to those days?" He responded, "life!"

 

Life has brought me through so many things in the last 3-4 years. I've had my longest relationship to date, 3 years. I've lived in 6 places in the last 3 years. I was homeless by term and definition. Four jobs were lost. Lost my core of who I called my friends. I had to bury 2 very close friends of mine. I've been arrested twice. I had to give up my car. I had to lose most of my clothes, furniture and belongings due to bedbugs. There's much more but my chest is getting heavy and the wells of my eyes are filling up as I think about it all.

 

I do count myself fortunate and blessed despite the previous paragraph. I've gained stable employment with many opportunities for growth. I've recovered from losing my things, and had the nerve to get better things than I had. I upgraded my car. I'm vacationing 2-3 times a year while paying off old debts! I'm settled into my apartment for 2 years and counting. I'm doing really good for myself! There's always a catch right?

 

I look around to find people to share my success stories with and there's nobody to be found. I live with my ex-boyfriend, my "best friend" is caught up in his own life to care much about mine, and all my old friends want little to nothing to do with me. I think that's due to Gabe and my choice to date him in the first place. It's a lonely place to be at when you have nobody to share good times with. As long as I can remember, I've always been missing something from my life.

 

All of my exes always asked me what I wanted and what would make me happy. I never was able to give a straight answer, and the answer always changed. I believe I found an answer. Happiness would meet me eye to eye when I found someone who I wanted to make happy who wouldn't hesitate to make me happy in response. Happiness would slap me in the face when a shared love couldn't be broken. I could dine with happiness when I knew I was wanted and needed, and those feelings were equally mutual. Family would make me happy. Someone to share life, a kid to spend all my money, and years of experiences to be had.

 

I watched the video of Macklemore's "Same Love" and I was completely moved. It had my favorite instrument, the piano, as the main instrument and spoke straight to me. I saw myself in that video. That's when it hit me, my life my life my life!

 

I'm in a typing mood. Since I don't have anyone to talk to about anything, I'll just pour it all out here!

 

Just Keep Wondering...

Arizona

I just had to post a lil something while I was out here. To be honest, this vacation is sorta acting like a band aid for my relationship. I can't act phony and play the fraud. I'm lookin for the honeymoon to come back. I'm looking for the happy times again.

Since times got a bit hard for me, things have been hard for us. I done lost my apartment, moved around from place to place looking for residence to call my own, lost my car, license, and my peace. Not mentioning some of my joy too! I've been going thru some health changes as well! Struggling with some depression on the hush too. I have so much going on with me and mines I just needed to try to get away and shed some of this skin and maybe come back new.

I've been here in AZ since Friday, June 22nd. My vacation has consisted of a trip to club Amsterdam, a bathhouse called Flex, 2 billiards, and attempted a sex party at our resort accomodations. Nothing was really so great to write home to momma about. I will say that of every place that I've been to, I'll revisit Flex before its all over! Sounds like a good time right? Nah, nothing has really changed. I really blew up at Gabe in my mind off of a simple comment of "damn man, you can't walk any faster than that". It was on... Talk about domestic dispute! My thing is, I'm walking my normal speed, which isn't a rush. I am on vacation too! I rush all of the time when I'm at home. Why should I need to such when I'm on vacation?

I'm really close to calling it quits. I'm just too stressed and I can't really keep going with all of this on my mind. Things gotta change and Gabe and I will have a convo before we board the plane going back to Jersey. I don't even have any plan b's in mind to head to to replace Gabe, I think some time alone is what I need. Maybe I might need a vacation alone to gather myself and place some things in proper perspective. We have 2.5 days left here. I haven't gotten any good dick, no good ass not even any decent head! Phoenix sucks! Aint no black ppls here worth a shit. The spanish dudes tired and the only dudes that's bout it is the white folks, but they all older than menopause.

Currently I'm about to have some bbq and maybe play some spades. if it gets serious i'm going to sleep! I'm in my underwear by the bbq grill in the back of the resort. Its hot as shit. The sun is down and been down for some time and I don't think its under 100 yet... I'll be glad to hit it back to jersey

My Birthday Passed...

Its just a few moments after my birthday. I gotta say that I'm feeling pretty well about myself. I went out shopping and enjoyed myself, its been years since I was able to just get up and go spend money and not worry about taking from a bill or something. You know, reckless spending? Twas quite liberating to be able to that.

Over the past few months, I've been on a few agendas. Looking for a new job, hustling up money to pay for fees for my surcharge in efforts to regain my license, center my mind around Gabe moving in, deal with my depression that I haven't been diagnosed with, and build some sort of friend base again. I'm doing quite a bunch with my time and it's been quite stressful. I also have been dealing with several medical issues that have aided in my previously mentioned depression. To briefly sum it up, I've had some good days and some bad ones too. It's all good tho, I'm still here, another year older and telling the story!

Last year, my license was taken from me and I am about to get it back. I can't say enough how exciting it is. It's very much like getting the dang thing the first time all over again! Minus the drivers exam of course. The circumstances that were around the license being taken away were totally and completely my fault. I knew better. I was placed in a position where I had to choose which bill to pay and I chose the rent instead of necessary car expenses, but continued to drive. To set myself up for success, I've decided to set up a car insurance fund. I would like to always be a year ahead of my car insurance so I won't need to worry about having to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. This also frees up funds so the car note on my new car wont be so stressful. Gas prices aren't cheap and I know having a car is a great expense, let alone a brand new one! Oh, the car is a 2012 Scion TC. That leads me to my next issue.

I've been looking for a replacement job. I'm getting older and I believe it only be wise to start thinking about benefits. My health hasn't been exactly stellar, and I would like a retirement fund. Not to mention, once I get this car, I will have to drive to work. It wouldn't make any sense to get a car and not drive it. Which adds a complication. The times that I have to be at work, are the same times the roads that lead me to work are heavily congested with loads of traffic. Increased travel times from public transportation, increased money and expense along with added aggravation! Working at my current job would be more daunting to come to. I would like something closer to home anyway. A church member put in a good word for me at the Newark Public Defenders Office, while another friend is trying to get me into Wells Fargo. Both are jobs with hours that are more favorable, closer than the current job and offer potentially more money. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm praying that one of those jobs comes through.

I've been back and forth to the dentist and have paid out of pocket a decent amount of money and have missed a decent amount of income being out from work. My Dr gave me some news that didn't exactly sit right and had me re-evaluating life. I had an operation to remove some things from my ass and now I'm sitting easy! I've had this cough for about a 3 weeks now and I am having trouble shaking it. To add misery to mayhem, the weather is making my allergies do freakin cartwheels! I WORK WITH FOOD!!! I can't afford to be sickly! It's all gravy tho, I'll be iight. I need to see the glass is half full of this situation quickly, cause I'm running outta tissues!

Gabe done did something stupid and wore out his welcome at Pam's. Y'all remember, his wife? lol Well, a pan went missing and he flipped out! I have never seen him go all out and do all of that. Temper tantrum using scientific notation! Pam told him to bounce and bouncing time has come around. Now he's here with me. Don't get me wrong or anything, Gabe's welcome with me at any time. I'm not super excited to deal with how we live together. This isn't the freshly painted utopia where everything just works out. There will be war. There will be fights. We don't like how each other lives and we both know that. We also don't have compromise. We are vindictive. We will kill each other! He's remodeled my closet, made arrangements for the living room, set guidelines for the kitchen and I already let him know, "Negro! Don't you know this is my apartment?" He couldn't wrap his hands around it and that was world war 1. World War 2 happened when i told him he couldn't smoke in my place. He tried to quit and blew the roof off the building when I told him I wanted to go to a small scale buffet for my birthday. Off the entire building I tell you! I'm waiting for Vietnam and Korea to arise so I can see what else is coming my way.

I've been trying to find one guy that I can spend some time with and just chill. I wish to God I could just be honest and confide with someone at the church but I can't. There's too much at stake. Plus the bible already tells e not to put my faith and trust in man! So Why in the world would I do the exact opposite? I don't have an outlet and as much as I love God, he's not exactly chatty cathy when it comes to convo! Kinda occupied with the whole being God thing I guess, idk! There was one guy but I guess I failed to tell him I had a bf and he mistook my friendship advances for romantic advances and now he's acting funny. A guy gave me his number told me to call him and I haven't heard a return call since. Oh well. A nice go out buddy shouldn't be so hard to find. Maybe my schedule is too hard to work around. Hopefully that changes soon.

When you group all of this together, you have me staring into the clouds watching them race each other across the sky. I'm in the tub sinking down to the tune of nothing. Dreaming of the sea of forgetfulness is daily normalcy. I just don't want to be there. I'm climbing out from it all and see the top of the hill, but what fun is it to be on the top when there is no celebration and fiesta when you get there? It does get lonely being the number 1, even if you are with someone who makes you smile and laugh and giggle and angry all at the same time. It's nice to know there's a world that exists with you in it outside of your relationship.

I'm signing off... It's been a joy writing. Stay tuned, some of my poetry will be seen. There is a poetry contest at my church and bro man needs some practice!

Just Keep Wondering...