My Birthday Passed...

Its just a few moments after my birthday. I gotta say that I'm feeling pretty well about myself. I went out shopping and enjoyed myself, its been years since I was able to just get up and go spend money and not worry about taking from a bill or something. You know, reckless spending? Twas quite liberating to be able to that.

Over the past few months, I've been on a few agendas. Looking for a new job, hustling up money to pay for fees for my surcharge in efforts to regain my license, center my mind around Gabe moving in, deal with my depression that I haven't been diagnosed with, and build some sort of friend base again. I'm doing quite a bunch with my time and it's been quite stressful. I also have been dealing with several medical issues that have aided in my previously mentioned depression. To briefly sum it up, I've had some good days and some bad ones too. It's all good tho, I'm still here, another year older and telling the story!

Last year, my license was taken from me and I am about to get it back. I can't say enough how exciting it is. It's very much like getting the dang thing the first time all over again! Minus the drivers exam of course. The circumstances that were around the license being taken away were totally and completely my fault. I knew better. I was placed in a position where I had to choose which bill to pay and I chose the rent instead of necessary car expenses, but continued to drive. To set myself up for success, I've decided to set up a car insurance fund. I would like to always be a year ahead of my car insurance so I won't need to worry about having to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. This also frees up funds so the car note on my new car wont be so stressful. Gas prices aren't cheap and I know having a car is a great expense, let alone a brand new one! Oh, the car is a 2012 Scion TC. That leads me to my next issue.

I've been looking for a replacement job. I'm getting older and I believe it only be wise to start thinking about benefits. My health hasn't been exactly stellar, and I would like a retirement fund. Not to mention, once I get this car, I will have to drive to work. It wouldn't make any sense to get a car and not drive it. Which adds a complication. The times that I have to be at work, are the same times the roads that lead me to work are heavily congested with loads of traffic. Increased travel times from public transportation, increased money and expense along with added aggravation! Working at my current job would be more daunting to come to. I would like something closer to home anyway. A church member put in a good word for me at the Newark Public Defenders Office, while another friend is trying to get me into Wells Fargo. Both are jobs with hours that are more favorable, closer than the current job and offer potentially more money. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm praying that one of those jobs comes through.

I've been back and forth to the dentist and have paid out of pocket a decent amount of money and have missed a decent amount of income being out from work. My Dr gave me some news that didn't exactly sit right and had me re-evaluating life. I had an operation to remove some things from my ass and now I'm sitting easy! I've had this cough for about a 3 weeks now and I am having trouble shaking it. To add misery to mayhem, the weather is making my allergies do freakin cartwheels! I WORK WITH FOOD!!! I can't afford to be sickly! It's all gravy tho, I'll be iight. I need to see the glass is half full of this situation quickly, cause I'm running outta tissues!

Gabe done did something stupid and wore out his welcome at Pam's. Y'all remember, his wife? lol Well, a pan went missing and he flipped out! I have never seen him go all out and do all of that. Temper tantrum using scientific notation! Pam told him to bounce and bouncing time has come around. Now he's here with me. Don't get me wrong or anything, Gabe's welcome with me at any time. I'm not super excited to deal with how we live together. This isn't the freshly painted utopia where everything just works out. There will be war. There will be fights. We don't like how each other lives and we both know that. We also don't have compromise. We are vindictive. We will kill each other! He's remodeled my closet, made arrangements for the living room, set guidelines for the kitchen and I already let him know, "Negro! Don't you know this is my apartment?" He couldn't wrap his hands around it and that was world war 1. World War 2 happened when i told him he couldn't smoke in my place. He tried to quit and blew the roof off the building when I told him I wanted to go to a small scale buffet for my birthday. Off the entire building I tell you! I'm waiting for Vietnam and Korea to arise so I can see what else is coming my way.

I've been trying to find one guy that I can spend some time with and just chill. I wish to God I could just be honest and confide with someone at the church but I can't. There's too much at stake. Plus the bible already tells e not to put my faith and trust in man! So Why in the world would I do the exact opposite? I don't have an outlet and as much as I love God, he's not exactly chatty cathy when it comes to convo! Kinda occupied with the whole being God thing I guess, idk! There was one guy but I guess I failed to tell him I had a bf and he mistook my friendship advances for romantic advances and now he's acting funny. A guy gave me his number told me to call him and I haven't heard a return call since. Oh well. A nice go out buddy shouldn't be so hard to find. Maybe my schedule is too hard to work around. Hopefully that changes soon.

When you group all of this together, you have me staring into the clouds watching them race each other across the sky. I'm in the tub sinking down to the tune of nothing. Dreaming of the sea of forgetfulness is daily normalcy. I just don't want to be there. I'm climbing out from it all and see the top of the hill, but what fun is it to be on the top when there is no celebration and fiesta when you get there? It does get lonely being the number 1, even if you are with someone who makes you smile and laugh and giggle and angry all at the same time. It's nice to know there's a world that exists with you in it outside of your relationship.

I'm signing off... It's been a joy writing. Stay tuned, some of my poetry will be seen. There is a poetry contest at my church and bro man needs some practice!

Just Keep Wondering...