I’m Addicted To You

 I remember so very clear when Grindr and all of the “grid apps” came out. It was sorta like the inner thot in me awakened. At first I used the apps to increase my chances of finding some to date. When I would have my carnal cravings and urges, I’d use the apps for hookups. It wasn’t until I found happiness in a relationship that I would use it to find friendship. What the current story is now, I just don’t know!

Currently, I find swiping from profile to profile soothing to some degree. It’s like a fidget spinner for me. I could actually swipe myself to sleep and I’ve done it several times. I don’t have any reason to even be content with the selection of guys available because of what comes my way. So, I place a profile up with what I’m looking for, my expectations and what I wont allow in the nicest of ways that someone can say something direct. The gist of the text says, no nudes, no quick meets or fucks and lets be friends before discussing any of that. What ends up coming my way are guys who send me the nastiest of dick pics, work out asshole photos, thirst trap convos and thot advances. What generally will happen is I’ll turn them down, when they message me in the 1st place, and be called ugly and fat and some variety of something less than pleasant. All the while, they were the ones advancing toward me and initiating conversations with me. Like, where do they do that at?

The struggle lies with going online just to see who’s online. I am thinking it’s possibly because I have hope that I will find a friend who might match my expectations who just so happen might be sexy enough to fool around with. Having an open relationship has its perks. It takes patience to deal with all the foolishness, stereotypical one track male mind, hormones and testosterone that’s on overdrive. So I sift thru the bullshit looking for anything to be caught and left behind. There’s hardly anything left ever. Some tiny pieces get caught and I get excited, but they fake the talk and the walk. The time I take, and lengths of conversation I have usually uncover the true intentions of people. The idea of “let me say what he wants to hear so I can meet and fuck” will not work with me. I am always in analysis and cross checking what people say and do. Guys will always show their true colors when you give them enough time and opportunity, myself included. Maya Angelou even said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” So, all I use is a tool called time and my God-given eyes.

I have no clue why I use these apps with such a low success rate. I don’t know why I keep coming back day after day after day after day! I’m like a broken record feeling helpless in an endless loop of insanity. It’s probably my crazy need of friendship that I’ve craved since I was a small kid. Maybe I never felt fulfilled with who I had as my current friends. Maybe I crave attention. Who knows?

I even had the paid subscriptions to Grindr and Scruff. So, what I’ve decided to do is not renew my paid subscriptions. It makes it easier to not scroll aimlessly through the grid. With all the ads that pop up after ever other profile are annoying and I do not have endless profiles to search through. Also, I will set a goal of one more friend to make and then to remove myself completely.

I swear it’s like a drug and a bad habit. I have no idea how I even allowed this type of thing to consume my everyday life for multiple times and occurrences throughout the day. Simply amazing! So, I may be looking for a hobby soon. I will definitely need something to fill all the time I spend swiping through bodies on my phone. I desire to be Grid-Free and able to refocus my attention to something that matters more. We’ll see what happens over time. 

Just Keep Wondering…