Making My Way Back

I was talking to a old friend of mine, I suppose you can call him an acquaintance, about yesteryears and how things formally were. Friends coming together, having fun, hanging out, chillin and enjoying "life". I asked him, "what happened to those days?" He responded, "life!"

 

Life has brought me through so many things in the last 3-4 years. I've had my longest relationship to date, 3 years. I've lived in 6 places in the last 3 years. I was homeless by term and definition. Four jobs were lost. Lost my core of who I called my friends. I had to bury 2 very close friends of mine. I've been arrested twice. I had to give up my car. I had to lose most of my clothes, furniture and belongings due to bedbugs. There's much more but my chest is getting heavy and the wells of my eyes are filling up as I think about it all.

 

I do count myself fortunate and blessed despite the previous paragraph. I've gained stable employment with many opportunities for growth. I've recovered from losing my things, and had the nerve to get better things than I had. I upgraded my car. I'm vacationing 2-3 times a year while paying off old debts! I'm settled into my apartment for 2 years and counting. I'm doing really good for myself! There's always a catch right?

 

I look around to find people to share my success stories with and there's nobody to be found. I live with my ex-boyfriend, my "best friend" is caught up in his own life to care much about mine, and all my old friends want little to nothing to do with me. I think that's due to Gabe and my choice to date him in the first place. It's a lonely place to be at when you have nobody to share good times with. As long as I can remember, I've always been missing something from my life.

 

All of my exes always asked me what I wanted and what would make me happy. I never was able to give a straight answer, and the answer always changed. I believe I found an answer. Happiness would meet me eye to eye when I found someone who I wanted to make happy who wouldn't hesitate to make me happy in response. Happiness would slap me in the face when a shared love couldn't be broken. I could dine with happiness when I knew I was wanted and needed, and those feelings were equally mutual. Family would make me happy. Someone to share life, a kid to spend all my money, and years of experiences to be had.

 

I watched the video of Macklemore's "Same Love" and I was completely moved. It had my favorite instrument, the piano, as the main instrument and spoke straight to me. I saw myself in that video. That's when it hit me, my life my life my life!

 

I'm in a typing mood. Since I don't have anyone to talk to about anything, I'll just pour it all out here!

 

Just Keep Wondering...