I believe that everyone can circle around the idea that cheating is bad and immoral. That's not up for debate here. However, is the umbrella of cheating big or small? What IS included in cheating? What's not included in cheating?
Some might say that cheating is only placing one's sexual organs on/in another person. You know just the acts of mutual masturbation with each other sexual intercourse. Very plain and very simply put.
Let's say you are lying in the bed with another and you strip naked. You have not engaged in touch but you are able to see each other in entirety. You begin to pleasure yourself in front of them. Is that grounds for cheating? The line is right there but it is so very very gray!
We've all watched some shape or from of pornography, whether it is soft porn or hardcore porn. Some become slaves to the porn and take sexual attention away from their mate and redirect it to the screen. Watching someone on web-cam would be the same! Seeing someone on screen perform sexual acts would be just as bad! With that same line of thinking, would being on a web-cam be considered cheating? You feed off of someone's sexual energy but they can be miles or hundreds/thousands of miles away! Remembering there was no physical contact, does the impersonal relationship distance make it ok?
There are those people that believe that any form of contact, whether it is cyber, mental, physical, optical or sexual, is cheating. Don't look at her! What are you doing on that computer? Who are you thinking about? Don't hold his hand like that! You slept with him (interpret both sexual and innocent)? She's only my girlfriend from back from sorority days, what's the big deal?
One person's views may be different than another's. Can we say conflict when a situation occurs? You say cheat when I plead innocent! None may be necessarily wrong, but what exactly is right? What is wrong? I'm so confused...
What happens after the act? Does a single act of cheating mark an upcoming ongoing habit? Can a relationship SUCCESSFULLY recover from this?
YOU BE THE JUDGE!
Some might say that cheating is only placing one's sexual organs on/in another person. You know just the acts of mutual masturbation with each other sexual intercourse. Very plain and very simply put.
Let's say you are lying in the bed with another and you strip naked. You have not engaged in touch but you are able to see each other in entirety. You begin to pleasure yourself in front of them. Is that grounds for cheating? The line is right there but it is so very very gray!
We've all watched some shape or from of pornography, whether it is soft porn or hardcore porn. Some become slaves to the porn and take sexual attention away from their mate and redirect it to the screen. Watching someone on web-cam would be the same! Seeing someone on screen perform sexual acts would be just as bad! With that same line of thinking, would being on a web-cam be considered cheating? You feed off of someone's sexual energy but they can be miles or hundreds/thousands of miles away! Remembering there was no physical contact, does the impersonal relationship distance make it ok?
There are those people that believe that any form of contact, whether it is cyber, mental, physical, optical or sexual, is cheating. Don't look at her! What are you doing on that computer? Who are you thinking about? Don't hold his hand like that! You slept with him (interpret both sexual and innocent)? She's only my girlfriend from back from sorority days, what's the big deal?
One person's views may be different than another's. Can we say conflict when a situation occurs? You say cheat when I plead innocent! None may be necessarily wrong, but what exactly is right? What is wrong? I'm so confused...
What happens after the act? Does a single act of cheating mark an upcoming ongoing habit? Can a relationship SUCCESSFULLY recover from this?
YOU BE THE JUDGE!
34 thoughts:
This is an interesting topic. I feel that the definition of cheating is based upon your personal ground rules for dating. As it is relative to me, cheating would be considered any type of "live" sexual gratification or emotional gratification with someone other than myself. If we can no longer provide what's needed and wanted to each other then...maybe we should move on.
Can a relationship survive cheating? Once again, this depends on your ground rules as well as how deep and meaningful that relationship runs. I honestly can't say that being cheated on once would be the deal breaker. I'd have to be in that situation, however I do believe that a relationship can survive and thrive beyond.
I'll end my comment with an old country saying that I heard a woman say as she was talking about if her husband cheated with a woman that was pursuing him at the time. She said.."Honey, if you can beat me rockin' then you can have my chair!"
lol Love it!
I agree with GI. It all depends on what level of "sexual gratification" from an outside individual or entity. For example, you are in a relationship with the one u love but emotionally u guys are not connected as you would like to be. On the flip side you share almost everything with your best friend. Sometimes share more with best friends than we do our partners. Are you/are you not cheating on your partner on some sort of emotional level?? It all depends on your view and your partners view of what is considered cheating. Great blog.
Honestly, I would have to say any sexually questionable action with another party outside of your relationship should be considered cheating. This includes, cyber sex, web caming, exchanging sexually explicit emails or text messages, oral sex, intercourse, sex with another gender opposite of your mate..etc. Intimacy as stated by Michelle Phifer in the Story of Us should be between the two parties in the relationship and once one party seeks any form of intimacy outside of the relationship it is cheating. Now I will not go as far as her and say talking about ones problem with someone else is cheating, but if you honestly have to question whether your mate will object to your action or need to hide these acts from your mate, it is obvious to me that you are doing something wrong.
Like GI, I don't think cheating is the end of a relationship. We all make mistake, give in to our basic human needs. However, habitual cheaters need to be expelled from your life.
People have so many interesting ways of defining what's sex and what's not. I will make sure I make things crystal clear on this topic, because I don't want it to be a misunderstanding and I have to acted up.
In my opinion...Cheating doesn't actually have to be about sex...Cheating to me is sharing something with another person that you should only be sharing with your current partner...You and your partner may have never seen each other naked or not even kissed. If you were to kiss another person, to me, that would be cheating. I'm just sayin...
This is a topic that has been beat to the ground, but I love the way you phrased it!
My thing is this: If you want what I have, fine. If you can get it, then I wasn't doing something right. The only way my girl will be in a position to cheat is if I was doing something to make her wanna look around...
For me cheating is always defined by the other person in a relationship. To share intimacies, whether sexual or emotional with someone else without letting your partner know because of the consequences is to cheat.
I know plenty of people who will share secrets, or masturbate, or have sex with someone outside of their relationship but because it is not hidden from their partner there are no problems. In their eyes, they are not cheating.
However, once the line has been crossed and an act of betrayal has occured, then it's up to each partner to figure out if what they have is worth keeping, recovering from and continuing on with the relationship.
lol u r stupid. Not "What are you doing on that computer?" lmao. I think when it comes to issues of cheating, there are only a few situations where the line can be blurry. I think it's bullshit when people act bewildered when they are caught up in some kinda way. It's always black and white to me. If I feel like you cheated, you cheated, and you will be dealt with accordingly! : )
Let's look at intimacy. Intimacy is a close association or contact of a personal or private nature. Being on thugs for chat and being naked is not intimate. You are not close, there is no contact and it most definitely is not private!
You can also be sexual without being intimate. "sex is just sex", when you make love there lies the connection. Is there any truth to that?
Being naked on thug for chat holding a conversation with someone, having cyber sex is an intimate act. Aren't u two sharing a moment with the goal of mutual gratification? Isn't sex a close action? Think about it...
I really feel that people should truly be honest with themselves... If you and your partner are in love and emotionally attached to each other;you both will know beyond a shadow of a doubt when cheating has occurred without having to play the game of: I only did this or I only did that...
If your relationship is built on trust,once that trust has been compromised you may as well get ready to deal with the consequences; be it the ending of the relationship, revenge or true forgiveness. You gotta take all of those options in consideration before you partake of a cheap thrill. (You may be in ecstacy but you ain't crazy) LOL
The main question is; What is the foundation of your relationship?
We all must take accountability of our own actions.
It depends what your definition of "is" is !
What?? WHo let that Bill CLinton fucker in my blog window !!!!!!
Seriously.. there is a difference between cheating.. which requires another person in the act.. and electrons !!!! cam chat and chat and d rest of that shit is just electrons... all you are cheating with is the monitor you bought at K freakn mart... at least that is what your spurt landed on if not your always stuck key keyboard !
You are not cheating if you do not have a relationship to breach. And people who have "open" relationships are just good old fashioned hoes.
Great topic! I think the lines are not as gray as we'd like to make them....the bible says that if a man looks at another woman lustfully he has committed adultery....that's the word, but my opinion is cheating is deeper than sex...it's giving someone else your time and getting involved with them emotionally and mentally outside of your relationship.
Bathsheba
I have to agree with ponoono here... Internet play is messing around with the screen and the keyboard.
So if I mentally and emotionally separete myself from a person, i can have sex with them? Itea meaningless if it doesn't have your emotion in it. Right?
What is the difference of me jerkin off in my bed alone and jerking off with someone else at the foot of the bed? We are not touching each other! Straight men do it all of the time, and they aren't cheating!
I think the msot harmful form of cheating is emotional cheating. When you get yourself wrapped up with someone else emotionally. More than sex, it's giving up the essence of yourself. I agree with Son of a Bishop, it's that emotional attachement from which all other aspects of the realtionship flow.
There are attractive people in this world and when we see attractive people, we are going to look at them. I could be dating the finest brother in the world and still find other brothers catching my eye. Thats the way we are. We are only human.
Now what I consider cheating to be is engaging in a sexual act and seeking sexual pleasure in any form from some one else other than your partner. So that means no Webcaming, or Phone sex, or internet sex (Cybering). You may not think your cheating but your setting the atmosphere for you to cheat or whom ever to cheat.
I don't mind, if you talking or flirting, because were human beings. We like to feel that we are wanted, we love the attention. Nothing wrong with that.
LOL let me stop writing for sec before this becomes a second blog lol.
Good Blog man...
I've always thought it wasn't cheating if it was in a different area code!
Cheating can be defined in as many ways as there are relationships.
Then there is sexual cheating and emotional cheating, what's worse??
I feel it all depends on the person you are in a relationship with i mean bounderies must be set down to know what that person feels in unacceptable
I agree with trackstar. You can't just blanket these types of things. You have to talk with your partner. My ex currently has racy picutres and texts from random dudes in his phone. I told him I thought he should remove them to avoid any backlash in case his guy goes through it. He said they've discussed it, the current guy has racy stuff in his phone too and that it was ok.
I'd be pissed, but he's not my concern anymore.
It depends on the two people in the relationship.
Yes it is cheating! If you divert your(intimate/sexual) attention away from your partner this is a form of cheating because the energy and the feelings are now being converted into cybersex, masturbation overdrive, etc instead of connecting with your partner however; you really aren't cheating if you're just trying to bust a nut! Seriously this could be considered a outlet and every relationship needs that from time to time be it flirting on pleasuring one's self. Remember there has been no contact with another person during these events.
Your writing continues to amaze me. When did you get so good???
I was once in a relationship where I felt like I was competition with the porn.
I think there are different forms of cheating and that cheating starts with the thought. When you start thinking about being with someone else, you have already emotionally cheated. On the internet (just chatting), having cyber sex or even mutual masturbation to me is cheating. I believe that sex should be sacred between two people, anything outside of that is physical cheating. Often many of us are victims of emotional cheating without even knowing it. He was flirting with her, or they just went out for a drink...its ok cause he know what he got at home...WRONG ! if he knew what he had at home, he would be at home with it.
Yeah, mutual masturbation is a form of cheating in my mind.
Excuse me, but I have never watched porn in my life. Never and I dare you to say otherwise.
I read that you have a new car. Good for you.
This ia a topic that will be debated for the ages. I think it depends on the personnal values of the two parties involed in the relationship. Sometimes the introduction of porn stimulates a dieing sex life. It is educational and informative when shared. In my opinon, any dealings or interactions emotional, physical, and mental outside of your relationship is cheating on some level. I think it just depends on the two people involved and there views.
I love this phone! Excuse any misspelled words, working this new phone over.
So cheating is taking any attention away from my mate? that means everybody cheats! when they get on the bus, flip through a magazine, walk past someone, any type of thought that wonders to the contrary is cheating!
If it is discussed before hand and agreed upon, based on the prior thought, we make some forms of cheating acceptable. We ask each other, "do you think he/she is cute", "would you date them" and other uncomfortable questions that pressure one to examine others. the thoughts that run through the mind, "she has a phat ass", "the bulge is, DAMN!!!", "he is just so sexy", all of these you ask when you ask those other questions. The flirts we have for mates, cheating! Then we floss and gain attention and wonder why everybody wants your handsom man or bangin woman...
This was such a nice read...I was on the bus, from work, looking at this. LOL!
Cheating is really one of those weird areas. Everyone has their own "ph Scale" for what qualifies as "cheating". I've heard of "emotional" cheating (LOL), where someone shares a part of themselves (or their emotions) with someone else, instead of their girl/boyfriend or spouse/partner.
I've even heard of someone being let off the hook because they didnt "love" the person he had sex/cheated with. LMAO!!
Its really something.
;-)
This is a challenge for me to post here, believe me! But it is important to me to be open and honest and let my opinions BE HEARD. Hopefully it can help someone else.
What is cheating to me?
The emotional or physical interaction of someone outside of your relationship that would damage the trust or connection you have with your mate.
Cheating does come in various states. It can be as simple as playful "flirtation" to catching your mate in the bed with someone else.
Thinking about someone or having an attraction towards other people is normal, and with men a lot more then usual. But I do feel that there should be a code of conduct in dealing with one's feelings.
1) Being open and honest with your partner about your attractions to people is important. That doesn't mean go bragging to your mate about how sexy your coworker is, but have discussions about it. If you know your mate is jealous, don't make it a big deal. Everyone is different and see sexuality different, so u have to be mindful about that.
2) Most of us have "attractive" friends, and there is nothing wrong with that, I mean we all don't want ugly people around us... but know your boundaries. Usually we mix sexual attraction with just thinking the person is really cool. Always think about what you could "lose" out of your current relationship if you ever do cross that boundary.
3) In reference to porn, webcams, and other cyber flirtations... I think it is all about intent. I think those discussions should be discussed with your mate. Sometimes things may not be seen as "cheating" but could make your mate feel "uncomfortable" so you have to be responsible in your relationships comfortability.
4) Having a suspicious and jealous heart will push people away. Sure we have all been burned, but watching someone's every move will not stop them from going out and doing whatever they want to do! A relationship's trust has to stand for something!
5) "Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one u like will leave u for the one u love." Some how that always keep me grounded.
6) People WILL make a mistake and you have to really take in and talk to your mate about what standards need to be met to keep the relationship solid.
7) I always said this to anyone I am with, I would rather you break up with me then cheat on me! Do what u need to do, don't expect that I will be around when u get back!
8) Don't cheat on someone to get someone back, thats just so stupid and immature!
9) Be very very mindful of bringing in another person into your bedroom, as per a threesome. I am not going to down open relationships, but when ur in the bed, and anything goes, don't put limitations on it later!
10) And also, cheating only works when your in a relationship, as Ross from Friends would say, "We were on a break!" So that means it doesn't count! But when u do get back with them, make sure that jumpoff is OUT!
i'd have to agree with shawnqt's #7(you grown. do you, but accept the consequences of the adult decision that you made as an adult.) and jshanlin's "if i feel like you cheated, you cheated." puriod.
is the dogged pursuit of closure a form of cheating???
I have no clue whether the anonymous guy will come back, but what do you mean about "dogged pursuit of closure"? Explain that to me.
I have to spotlight number 8 from shawn's list. Only because that is such a big issue. Many people justify cheating because of that. You did it, so now I have to do it. I have to make you feel the way I felt!
ok the story is this.. a while ago i had a secret crush on this guy i knew (even though i had a hot and sexy bf!!). i still have the hot and sexy bf, but d guy i was crushin on won't talk to me anymore and I WANT TO KNOW WHY !!! i'm so obsessed over it my bf is starting to make unhappy faces... like maybe i am mentally cheatn on him !!!! is my bf crazy?? am i crazy??
Cheating is what it is. If your mind, body or soul is with something other than where it should be then it is cheating. Yes looking at porn, web cam sex, mutual masterbation, all of that is cheating. Many references have been made in all philosophical teachings. Example: in the Bible man shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, ox, ass, etc. Covet is to desire.
If you want to copy from your neighbor's paper. You are cheating. If you desire winning over losing and do what it takes to win then you are cheating. If you are giving of yourself mind, body, or soul then you are cheating. Thought of someone else during sex. You desire them so you are cheating on the one you are making love to.
Sadly cheating isn't black or white or even gray. It's a broad brush stroke. We will all cheat in some form or fashion many times in our lives. There is no way around it, it's human nature. Survival of the fittest.
Now the only thing that that differs is the severity of the cheating and that perception belongs to the victim not the victor of the act. The victor is at the mercy of the victim. For that reason, mutual masterbation will be severe to one person and not to another. It is there that we have a difference of opinion. But the question of cheating is clear cut. It is cheating.
So the question should be not be about the definition but the severity of cheating cause it is what it is.
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