I wonder... Why?

I have had this blog for quite some time now and I must admit it has become a hobby for me. ShawnQt thought a good idea to bring me into the blogging community. I have grown through the comments. I have gained inspiration through what was expressed to me. I understand people better by reading what they have to say. I was exposed to a world that was all new to me! I would have to say that this was the best gift that anyone has ever given me! Thank You! I have never thanked you before, but I thank you now!

The title "I Wonder..." seems to apply to everything about me. It is a perfect fit for me! Wonder to me means to have curiosity and doubt; to be in a state of thought. It means to be uncertain and unsure and to possibly be in a state of confusion. I have often been asked many questions and have often responded with "I don't know". I wonder! Reasoning has never been an action performed on myself by myself. I never know why when it comes to things I do. I am never simple. I am never easy.

I need to sit with myself and reason with myself. I have to do this. I have to look deep within and determine what makes me do the things I do. Whether it be good or bad. Only I can do this and only I can make this change!

I will be away from blogger for awhile. I won't be posting. I am not sure if I will even be commenting! Please don't take it personal. This is done in efforts to fill in the gaps in my life and give me some answers that are desperately needed. I am being reduced to my bare minimum and maybe farther. I will rise and return a better blogger who has his head and his life in correct perspective.

A Different Kind of Change

On this past Saturday, I had the opportunity to listen to a motivational speaker affectionately known as Principal Kafele. He spoke on how Blacks and Latinos really have no excuse on why they can't attend college. I agreed for the most part. Then he went on to speak on the many different problems we go through as a race, our downfalls and faults as well. I said to myself he is not saying anything new to me that anyone else has not already spoken. I began to say to myself, so many people talk about the problems and nobody is talking about the solution! We are all going about change in the same viewpoint and this change is not working! the problems are getting worse.

I thought about how civil rights leaders wanted a change. Some talked about the problem, and some talked about the solution. Some utilized both aspects. Together they achieved results. Today we focus on what people are doing wrong. Its plastered in the newspapers, its broadcasted on the TV and even posted on the internet. To go further, it's forwarded to our cell phones! What if we shift the focus from the faulted points to the exalted points!

We broadcast black people did this and black people did that. For viewers, that is all they are seeing! Younger minds see that this is what their race is capable of! They are conformed to what media says they are only good for and thus signing up more names to the list to be reported for bad news! What if we spoke only of the highlights? What if we shared the good things that happened and ignored the bad? Maybe not even ignore but separated the good from the bad and gave focus to the good? The vision would be good instead of tainted. Obama's vision of "Yes We Can" would be a possibility because the vision is being portrayed! There is an example to follow!

Obama sought to take the democratic seat to run for the presidential office! A black man, if you wish to call him mixed you can, went up against all kinds of opposition but had a goal in mind of winning! He financed his campaign through us! He went about it in a different way. He is being himself and believing that is what the nation needs! He stands on principal and does not conform to what people wish him to be. He dares to be different! He wants a change! He is getting results and making history all at the same time! If he is doing it, We Can Too!

Wanting a better society, wanting a change and wanting advancement of all people, not just colored people, should be our desired result! We need results. Envisioning change is what we should see. Applying change is what should be done. It is the same change that we all hope for! It is the same change we all should want! It is having a common forecasted result but going about it in a different way!

I want A Different Kind of Change!

Just Going To Free Write!

X told me that I needed to post a "real post"! Apparently my last post wasn't a real post! Its cool, I hope this one is real enough for you! lol

Let me start off with self. I realized that I have been cussing way to much. I need to curve that because I used to never cuss at all. I am going to consciously make a decision to think about what I say before I say it to decrease the amount of vulgarity proceeding from my mouth. I'm just wanting to better myself, and I believe that is what life is about, making yourself better!

Let me tell you what was bothering me. This N word (NIGGER). I want to include the derivatives of this word as well: nigga, nikka, my nig, niggaz etc.. This word has all types of history to it. Painful history that has racism attached to it. Nigger was a word that White People used to demonstrate their assumed power over Africans, African Americans and black people. They used the word when they beat them, treated them unfairly, and they let the word fly from their tongues as often as the word "the"!

Now what's bothering me is how over such a short time the once hated word by all black people has become a standard greeting! The only justification is by dropping some letters. Same sound
and can even confused for NIGGER. Its acceptable though. Your grandfather, or great grand father could of been beat being called such but you as a black person use it in everyday language like nothing is wrong with it! You tear each other down little by little every time you say it!

Can someone please tell me why you would do this? Why?

Do you use the word NIGGER or any of its derivatives? The poll is to the left, be honest!

One More Blog!

I've mentioned to some people that I was going to start a food related blog for sometime! I bounced back and forth, but it all starts with a beginning. So I had an idea for a post, so I said while I have the idea, let me create the blog!

Let's not forget about Mornin Manna either! That blog is going on. Just like in church, you either say amen or say ouch! You could come by and maybe get something that you need to hear!

I am going to be trying to do something different with it soon. Maybe you can partake in it. I'm thinking of making an online Bible topic suggestion box. You can submit topics that you want to talk about or may be a lil confused about and it can be an open forum of discussion in the comments section. What do you think?

I NEED FEEDBACK!!!

So Less Than 3 Hours Later

On Friday, the inspection lady for my complex comes to inspect the apartment. I had no clue she was coming. I was the only one here and I was overly knocked out when she knocked on the door. I let her in and she cruised the apartment. She said that some parts of the stove hadn't been well cleaned, the counter tops were dirty where my father keeps these ridiculous looking tiles, and some cabinet doors are dirty. Not much. I chalked it all up to my father not seeing it. I take it upon myself to clean it up since he wouldn't be able to see what to clean.

Now that we're all caught up to these past few moments, I can share what just happened. I came home from church and immediately begin cleaning. I wanted to do something or go somewhere this afternoon. The lady is supposed to come for reinspection on tomorrow sometime, so I needed to have everything done today. I get to the stove and find a cigarette butt and what seemed to be some of the burned remains of the actual cigarette. All burned of course, it's right next to the burner. I don't touch other peoples cigarettes. I don't buy other peoples cigarettes. I don't even transport them! It's my principles. I thought to myself, I will tell my father to remove the butt since he is the one who left it there!

Father walks in while I am on the phone with Shawn. I dismiss myself from the convo to finish cleaning and to address the issue at hand. I asked, "can you please remove the cigarette from the stove?" he replied very defensive and argued why couldn't I do it. I explained. he blew up. I remained calm. He threw in, "this is why we don't have a relationship. I been trying to build a relationship with you and It seems like you could care less!" I respond, "thats the problem right there! how long have you been trying?" Father says, "for the past 3 years!" I say, "Exactly! Thats the whole thing right there! You waited until I was 20 to start being a father to me. Every single other of your kids had your attention since birth! I got it by default when your wife died!"

He left to go upstairs. I hope I finally got through to him on how bad he fucked up! There is no second chances here. He had too many first chances and REDOs! If he wants me to like him then he is going to have to take an overly reasonable amount of effort to make it happen. PERIOD! My day goes unaltered! I handled an adult situation dealing with a relationship problem without yelling, pouting, crying, getting heavily emotional, or running to Big Brother for advice! I am proud of myself for real for real!

Now, hmmm, what now to do? Shawn is going to the city and invited me to join him. I really don't feel like traveling all the way to NY. I wonder will today make my al time daily record of 3 posts in a day? hmmm

Friends and Family Sunday

well here I am again, blogging from my phone. It's Friends and Family Sunday! Suddenly a swift wave of hand-clapping and foot-stomping sweeps through the church! Thats how we celibrate visitors in our church. On this Sunday, we serve food in efforts to fellowship with one another. I am in charge of our kitchen ministries, so I plan the food to be served and often times prepare the bulk, if not all, of the food. Today I had 4 types of chicken (curry, hot, BBQ, and fried), collard greens, rice and beans, pasta salad and lemon cake. We just had a good time after having a high time in the Lord during service.

I invited some people to service, the whole purpose of Friends and Family Sunday, and I got 5 people to dedicate themselves to coming. GREAT, right? Well, every single person that said they were coming bailed out. I knew this the night before. I was a lil depressed, while cooking the food, that I couldn't get friends or family to come out and enjoy the service with me.

I woke up and started work, getting the house of the Lord prepared for service, picking up people and more. Service started and as people walked in, I noticed everyone having a guest. I was the only one that brought nobody. I will continue on with keeping my word the best I can and being faithful to my word. Maybe those close to me will follow suit.

On a seperate, but somewhat similar note, I have decided to do something special for the ones that have looked out for me. I am planning on doing it this week. I am not mentioning what I am doing only because events must align to make this possible. I feel a need to show my appreciation, because thank you is not enough sometimes! I love you all in spite of how you love me.

I have been thinking about my last post and thought alot on how I was reacting to situations. I did somewhat over react on minor circumstances blown out of proportion. I realized we all need people and need them over different time periods of our lives. I will cherish you for what I can cherish you for. Notice I didn't say use, I said cherish! I have to learn more self control over my moods and emotions. Yes, I am moody. I have to work on that. Support is better than tearing down, let us keep that in mind!

A section from a song on my mind:


"Lead: My life was torn, beyond repair
I felt so alone, seemed no one cared
Then you came along, gave me a song
To ease the pain, and erased the shame

Chorus: He could of left, He's standing there
with no one, no one to care
He promised me, He'd be there on time
And he did just what he said!

That's when you Blessed me, That's when you blessed me!"

I don't know what the rest of my Sunday holds. Hopefully its good. My yesterday didn't end too well, I hope tonight makes up for it!

Part II Somewhere In There!

Okay, so I have been feeling a specific sort of way. I have been in and out of bad and good times. I've been on the bridge of oportunity many time and haven't crossed for whatever reason. I am my own hinderance and possibly my own stumbling block as well.

I understand that things will not do themselves and success does not fall in one's lap. At the very same time, someone ordering you to do this and that does not make one move any faster! In actuality, it makes me move slower and further unmotivates me. It is the equivalent of wanting to go to work vs the need of going to work. You get better results when you can get yourself to act on one's own desires.

My aim is to grow and go places. I need structure and a strong foundation. I want to do this right, but I don't want to be move swiftly. I need to know what I want and where I need to be. I have to know what my weaknesses are so I can recognize when I am about to be weakened, for the purpose of preventing unneeded delays and being counterproductive. All of that to say I have recognized some weakpoints, the company I keep. There are acquaintances, friends and family that contribute to mood changes in myself. Their personalities have traits, that when displayed around me (in-person, phone, internet, etc), effect me in a negative way.

I am tired of tolerating people in my immediate surroundings. I am exhausting of hosting a pity party for the indeserving. I am finally accepting the fact that I cannot accomodate everyone all of the time. I no longer wish to reserve my tongue. I don't wish to bring anybody down on my blog. So, if this fits you or offends you, you can take the exit stage left out of my life. I will Kindly say goodbye, and bid you a good life!

Been on my mind for about a week and some change now. I needed to vent that. It was dwelling and felt harbored.

As for previous situations, I have taken my car to the mechanic. I left my house to meet the mechanic as he was opening the shop. Great timing if I should say! He got out his diagnosing thingamagiggy and read the car's computer. Kermy said that my cylinders have multiple misfires. Mechanic looked at engine and listened and did his thing. He comes out from under the hood to say that the only thing I need is a tuneup! I said COOL! He quoted $240 and I was happy with that. I told him I would be back next week to have the work done (I gotta get my last paycheck, lol).

I did get my ICEE later on that night. I will add a pic later (blogger on my cell phone is very limited). It was SOOOOO good! I had a great July 4th with the family. I was in and out of moods on Saturday because of what happened to Timothy Wright and his family. I am relieved at this point that he is still alive. For those that don't know, he, along with his wife and 14 year old grandson, were hit by a drunk driver. As of know my best knowledge is that the wife died at the scene early Saturday morning; the grandson died Sunday morning.

I have been chatting with a very cool person from blogger. I have made this cool friend and we have much in common. He knows who he is, but big shout out to you! Thanks for being an ear for when I was down! :-)

Okay, I did mention that I did this post on a cell phone right? Yeah, my fingers are tired right now! Everyone have a good night/morning/afternoon/evening!

Let me say...

Okay, I went to Hurricane Harbor, at Six Flags, today with Shawn. I was hesitant only because its water. I have this thing with water parks and pools. I got over thebeach like a few years ago! lol But anyway, I drove from Shawn's place in Newark to Jackson and returned having had fun! Everybody knows I had car trouble on this past Sunday? If you didn't read my previous post. I am driving to church and First Lady calls me asking me where I am at. I said I am on my way, she said turn around don't come. I said OOOOKKKK! I then proceeded to go home with intentions of stopping at QuikChek to grab myself a coke ICEE. I have been wanting one for some weeks now! So I tune up my buds for one. I am gonna stop for one. I pull off from the GSP onto local roads and car starts rumbling. **flashback** I went back to when car broke down in December. One thought, "Pull over, I am not putting 2 engines in a car within 6 months!" I called AAA and they towed me home. Since I was 3 buildings from QuikChek, I walked over while I was waiting for my tow. NO COKE ICEE!

Status Check: I am home safely, car is not completely broke down, I am not completely broke! Good right? I am saying to myself, I am glad that it still works and It is not as bad as it could be!

I head over to Mrs. Bitch's house and she is talkin to me and I just spill out I am realy trying to keep uplifted but, in the words of reggie "Ionno"! I am reading my texts at this point, and emails too, and I just wanna be away from my house. I am saying this plainly so everyone can hear, I am wanting to run away from what is getting me down! I don't wanna be stuck at my house thinking about everything! I DON'T! So Mrs. Bitch, and her husband, start arguing and cussin up a storm. I kindly remove myself and come back to my place across the parking lot.

I am now here, laying on my futon, typing this post on my cell phone, asking myself why does shit always happen to me? Wondering why I can never get a car that functions! Why can't I grab a break! I could care less if this sounds like pouting! i am upset now, in the very place that I didn't wanna be doing the very same thing I didn't wanna do! Now I want a drink! this wil have a Part 2, expect it...

He's working it out!

Let me begin by saying that Friday night I was left to do what I wanted to do! I was happy but everyone was busy when I wanted to go to NY. I was like okay... plan B! So then I went to Twin's house and chilled there with his unwarranted house guest that was holding him captive. I had a small drink and ate some of my famous hamburger helper and some of Twin's potato salad! I was feelin stuffed and pretty right! We played video games, Twin's brother and I engaged in church behavior and I can't remember what all else happened that night!

He comes Saturday. We went to Fire island to enjoy a day at a gay friendly beach. It was my first time going and I think that I will go back this year, just not any time soon. That beach neighbors with heaven! That's how far its away! We were supposed to be out at 10, but did not leave till around 12ish. We didn't arrive until 2ish I think. Can't remember, I didn't do a time check! It was all gravy. I came home and fell asleep with plans on waking up extra early to be ready for church. I had to speak, do invocation, and praise & worship.

I wake up on time and do my hair and get dressed. I am doing a new thing with my hair yes! I don't know what exactly is gonna happen with it but I am just happy that I am able to keep up with it! So Church went well. I spoke on Jonah and being in a power struggle. The main script came from Jonah the 1st and 2nd chapters. The Summary of what I spoke is available on Mornin Manna.

Here is where my day starts coming down. I get over to Shawn's place and his cousin David comes over and asks us if we can put some music on his dad's cell phone. I was monkeying with the phone and discovered that we have the same chip. So I stick my chip in in his phone and it messed it up. my resumes, my music, my ring tones, my pictures and videos are ALL GONE! I am thinking that it was a problem with my cell phone so I reset that and lost my contacts. Temporarily. No biggie really, they are backed up. I go home to get my list for the Mornin Manna text recipients, so they can get their word for Monday, and card my SD card adapter. It pours on the way home. My window goes down and stays there. Water comes in like a flood. Literally! Luckily I have a towel in my car for such emergencies! Then I get on the GSP and there is an accident right in front of me! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! I escape that and make it all the way to Irvington exit #144 and coast through a freakin lake. Literally! My car stalls out and I am left with no phone and strange people offering assistance. I just want to be home or at least to my destination. As I am waiting for the car to start, I notice that the guard around steering wheel has been broken. Someone has tried to steal my car. I am finally over it! The car finally starts a hour later. I get back to Shawn's house and guess what? The card still doesn't work. My computer won't format the card and I come to find that my card is fried.

Calvin arrives and we're ready to go. I say whatever to it all, took a wine glass shot of vodka and went to gay pride.

Well the title of the post indicates that things are ironing out. My car is not giving any problems, the check engine light went off, my phone is back to normal, I sold my bike which gave me money to buy another card and purchase some supplies for my cake and pie endeavor. I am going to have a tasting. I am thinking of gearing it to desserts. I don't have much finance to have loads of food that I would be offering but I will bump that bridge soon enough. Stay tuned for details.

Pressure On My Mind!

I think I will make this a collage of many blog posts, blogettes of you will! Just a few things on my mind that I wanted to release into the atmosphere!

1. On this past Thursday night/Friday morning, I had difficulty sleeping. I fell asleep after tiring myself out reading blogs on my cell phone. I dreamed about some party that Shawn and I went to. There was an abundance of gay people there. Not necessarily doing stereotypical gay things but we were there. There two guys come in as a couple and I recognize them as two of my students from the high school. First thing out their mouth, "Mr. James you get down like that?" I said, "If you do, I do too!" One left and he said he was going to tell the whole school I got down, and the other tried to rub and grind on me every time Shawn turned his back! I woke up in a cold sweat! I couldn't sleep for more than a few mins at a time for the rest of the night!
   
   
2. Why does my brother have to be so forceful and close-minded? He called me on yesterday and asked me some very personal questions about who I hang out with and told me who I should and shouldn't be hanging out with. All I wanted to say is, "Can I please live my life?"
   
   
3. I dug myself into a ditch with my comment on X's blog. I think I need to clarify my comment just a lil bit. I do stand by my comment, but there are some exceptions. I am in a relationship and there needs to be some give and take with consideration for each others feelings. There are certain settings that I do not mind showing SOME affection in public. Just not alot. I will leave it at that.
   
   
4. I recently came out to one of my cousins. On the other day he called me with a bazaar story. He tells me that my other cousin, his sister, came to him about him being on my myspace top friends. She called me everything but a man of God! I immediately thought when my brother told me to find out if she was bi and I knew it and I denied it to save her face! I felt so betrayed! I have never done anything to hurt her and have always tried to help her! I even volunteered to raise her unborn child so she could finish school! A bitch will be a bitch! I know her stripes now. Let her come for me one more time!
   
   
5. Bush shortchanged me on my stimulus check! I need an extra $300! I had plans for that money, and he fucked me over! I am so tired of this bull shit ass president! Can't we impeach him for something? Then, lets get him out of office
   
   
6. The job search still goes on! Nothing much happening on that front. It's whatever! I hate looking for jobs! They never give you the pay you desire, nor the schedule you want. Then they want you to go above and beyond the call of duty for them! The job force in America is a laughing stock and completely deplorable!
   
   
7. I want a new cell phone. T-Mobile's selection is very much sub par! Their PDA line sucks! The blackberry devices suffer many technical problems. To be honest, the best devices are the Sidekick LX, and the Windows Mobile devices. They do the most. The WM phones haven't been greatly updated in over a year. They are struggling to keep up with most of their competitors 3G networks! Verizon will be on like 6G when T-Mobile finalizes the switch over to 3G! I love T-Mobile, but they need to step up their game!
   
   
8. This is the first year that I am not enthused about participating in the AIM Conference Choir since I joined in 1996. It was the Youth Congress Choir then! Anybody C.O.G.I.C. out there? lol

I have emptied my mind of all the major things, and some minor ones too! But maybe I can sleep well and not worry about being outed and gyrated in my dreams! lol