My First Day! 8/28/2008

My first day at my new job, and I'm sick! I told Charles that he gave me the "Kenya Syndrome"! He was like how come he didn't get it and I said cause your traveling behind is immune to it! I was sneezing and sniffling. Did I mention snotting? There was much snot! I had a headache and stuffy nose. All of this the day before work. It got no better the morning of! I was like, why, of all times now, would I choose now to be sick? I pressed on. I wasn't going to be late, and I said I am starting this job with an I care attitude, I'm taking it with me and keeping it at all times!

Well, I work at Kohl's now and I must say I'm satisfied. I told myself that I didn't wanna go back into the retail field. I wanted to stay within the education and the culinary field. The job market is so tough nowadays. They want you to go on interview after interview after interview! Then, you don't get the job because you weren't quite what they were looking for! What ever that means! At the very same time, I had specific requirements about the job I would take! I couldn't work on Sunday morning, or Thursday nights. I would only be available after 4pm if it wasn't quite local and 3pm if it was real close. I was like there has got to be someone that can work with that schedule. I went forward hoping that things would pull together. Shawn always told me that he never worried about me. He said "somehow someway, God favors me above all". I kept saying that, even though I hated when he said it! lol

People would ask me what I did at Kohl's. I told them Asset Supervisor. I was a lil mistaken! There is no such position. It's called the Ad Set Supervisor. I really didn't care much. I had a job I wanted and am getting paid well! Asset Supervisor sounds better though...

My first day went like this. I came in 8:15am and orientation started at 8:35am. People were late and the trainer was trying to be considerate and wait. the first thing we did was clock in! :) I felt so excited, in between pieces of paper towel and Kleenex! (I couldn't stop my nose from running!) We filled many papers and went through the employee handbook. page by page! It was cool, because some companies just give it to you and say go for it. Kohl's said we want you to know what we're about! I liked how they took us for a tour in the security office! It's huge! They want us to see why its not a good idea to try to steal from them! lol I think their point was well displayed!

I ran into a guy that graduated school 4 years after I did, from the same school! That was nice. There was ground for conversation. There was a girl there that goes to Linden High and is in Navy JROTC. That served as grounds for convo. I found myself sociable with many people. I usually clam up around people I don't know. Especially when I'm around a group of new people all in a close environment.

1pm came and it was time for me to go. I was ready to hit somebody's pharmacy up for some meds! OMG! My nose! I came home and passed out on the Futon (capital F, Futon deserves respect lol) I woke up at 7! Drank juice or water every half hour on the hour. Submerged myself in hot water in efforts to sweat whatever was in me out through any pore it wanted to escape out of! I wanted to be well again!

This morning, Friday morning, I felt very well! Many times better, but not completely well. It's a step towards the right direction!

This was my first day!

Comfortable, I think not! 8/26/2008

Saturday, Reggie's going away party.

I have attached myself to Reggie, even though I thought I wouldn't. I have tried to distance my mind from him leaving only because I didn't want to enter this state of depression and saddening. Every time I get close with someone they leave! It's either that or I do something to mess up the friendship, knowingly or not.

The parties that go on at Shawn's place are very sex-esque (probably not a word!). There's an atmosphere of fun and flirting going around. There is nothing wrong with that. It's interaction and a good time. However, I got there at the segment when it was only Reggie, Shawn, Charles and myself there. It was awkward. I really wanted to to be comfortable but I was incredibly uneasy within myself. I didn't wanna say anything out of order. I didn't wanna say too much at all! I just wanted to be good. I have never been uncomfortable in the house (note still referring to it as "the" house as opposed to his house), not one time!

People begin arriving one by one and begin removing some of the tension in the house. I was relieved to somewhat of a slight degree. The party started and I was in my shell. I didn't wanna come out. I actually wanted to leave. I have a tendency of always placing my foot in my mouth all of the time saying the most off the wall things and doing the most out of the way things! I waned to avoid all of this and go home. It was Reggie's party and I was already there. May as well start enjoying myself. I had a drink and loosened up. I had a shot and got even more loose. I had 3 more vodka and cokes. I had 2 sweet drinks that Reggie was so kind for me to make for me. Then followed with 4 cups of Twin's punch (Get Right). I was good now! I was so far out of my shell I didn't even know where the shell was!

Luckily for me, I had eaten a good amount of food. All that liquor saturated the food and I was being held drunk for the rest of the night. My food just wasn't moving, AT ALL! I began to lose my balance. It wasn't a great deal I just didn't want to fall. That's embarrassing! lol So I needed a stool quickly. None were available. There was an offer to sit on a lap! So, I sat on the guy's lap. There was talk. Mostly from him to me. I was just listening! I didn't know who's lap I was on! I just know I was comfortable, he was holding me up and he was talking a slick game. Phone started blowing up, text after text! What's going on? I'm like I'm good sittin on his lap! I wasn't getting what was going on. My God sis came along and she tried to remove me from what was going on. Then Charles did the same. I needed air! This was the worst I had ever been. I got almost an hour worth of air it seemed like. Then came back to the party.

I drank myself into a comfort zone, but into a place where I did not have clear judgment at all. I was ready to go. Where I was going I don't know. The options I had were many. I just wanted to talk with someone. I came to get my shoes out of the bedroom and Shawn passed out with someone else there was behind a shut door. Not clearly thinking I jumped to conclusions and left somewhat upset. I didn't get home until 20 minutes before I needed to be in church.

Maybe it would of been better chillin with Reggie on Sunday, as opposed to going to the party! It would of saved me much heartache and drama! I didn't feel sober until about 12noon. I was in my second service by then! I wasn't even supposed to drink!

By popular demand, Fussy's Tones has been removed from the blog. lol Stay tuned for further improvements...

The me that I am and will become... 8/20/08

I am this unpredictable person. you can predict me.
I am this unforgettable person, you may forget me.
I am this vibrant person, I may be often dull.
I am this stable person, who is shaky and unsure.
I am this strong person, who is too often weak.
I am this intelligent person, that has no smarts.
I claim to have everything together, but never have any answers.
The world around me stares and I stare back.
What am I supposed to be rendering, what do I have to offer.
I am contradiction at its best state, striving to exist in a state of agreement.

I have tried over and over not to think about it. I have tried time after time to cut the tears. I've went to myself in thought in attempts to gain understanding. I have uncovered answers that I didn't find so tasteful. I found bitterness, some hatred and even envy. I was told that I get down on myself alot. I've been told that I put a new meaning on being one's own worst critic. I dig myself into new lows and people just don't understand why. I need to be this child that sits himself in a corner to think about what he has done. I honestly believe that I am not a bad person, but I make many poor choices.

Emotionally unstable, I journeyed out to place myself into an atmosphere of joy and happiness. Heavy burden, I put on a front deceiving people wherever I go. I don't know who I am. I can't identify with myself. I am still coming into myself so it is an ongoing process. How could I know what I want? How could I know when I want it? I never gave myself a chance to develop and I brought people down with me. I held onto hands as I fell in a figurative defeat, dragging them with me. I'm sorry. My heart and soul bleeds with apologetic tones. I'm sorry. I release with words because words is how it came out. I grieve with tears because that is what flowed as streams to my chest.

I never meant for things to go this way. They did. I always wanted to be there for you. I wasn't. I owe pieces of my identity to you. You have shaped some of what I have become and helped hold the spotlight to what I was and to some degree still am. Knowing is half the battle. I figure things can only get better from here.

I'm still away from my desk. I'll be gone for a significant amount of time. I'm around building myself up, constructing a strong foundation. Once the base has been completed the next step is to stand. I will stand tall and confident against the wind and the sea billows. I will withstand the many blows that I expect to come my way. I will be sure. I will be strong. I will be the man that was expected of me that I fell short of. Wait and see!

The blood has stopped and my wound is very much evident. The pain is clear repeatedly showing itself. Time can only tell how long it will be until I will be completely healed. Unfortunately time is mute, does not have lips and makes no noise.

Until whenever the next time may be!

I read this again and I felt a sense of progress, but not quite there at the place where I want to be... My eyes actually watered...

Not Quite Week 2

Aug 10Th-16Th

Sunday: This was a very nonproductive day for me. I think I was in a slump. I woke up late from the beach this morning and just couldn't make my way to church. I tried and tried, I just couldn't do it! My mouth was sore from Dunkin Donuts dude messin (I had to edit "messin", I said something a lil more vulgar) up the muffins. My gum line was swollen and throbbing! It hurt so much! Oh Well! After church I went over Mrs Bytch's house to blog. I was there from 12 till about 6 and came home and ate. I laid in the futon and laid there till I fell asleep close to sunrise that morning.

Monday: I slothed around the house for a bit and didn't do anything until late in the afternoon. I texted someone and he said he was at Starbucks. I needed to be at rehearsal in that particular area and had nothing to do so I left early to waste time. He was nice like I expected him to be. I really could have gone without meeting him. Just not the conversationalist. I had to say "huh" and "what" too many times! I went to rehearsal and came back home for another restless night. I can't figure out why I am not sleeping! It's annoying to have to get up to nothing and do nothing! to have nothing to show at the end of the day! :|

Tuesday: I hung out with Mrs. Bitch's husband for like a hour and change after taking a two hour bath. Then I went over Pastor's house and waited for him to get ready. I was traveling with him to church. The bishop was speaking and the choir was called to join him. Church was fine, no high points, to me! We left and got a crave case and split it on the way home talking about anything that came up. I came home and had a restless night again. I logged onto yahoo and found someplace to go to tire myself out. I sipped wine and watched law and order until about 5am! Who does this?

Wednesday: Today was the most interesting day! Lets give Mrs. Bitch's husband a name, Tony! So he calls me up and says I need to head to Newark for an interview. He said he got me for gas money later. I said iight, cause he was good for it. We get there and its for a place I sent 4 applications to (4 different positions). I was like okay, how'd you get a call back and I didn't! Something was out of order! So I walked in to see what was what and they were taking walk ins. I filled out yet another application and went thru the interview process and was offered a job. More money than the rest of the positions for the same hours and more benefits! I am not complaining! I came home and after eating and talking on the phone with my pastor for over an hour about nothing specific, I fell asleep at around 12ish and slept like a baby!

Thursday: I'm still in my good mood. I did my piss test and dropped by the Superintendent's Office to fill out paperwork for he upcoming year and came home. I have been here ever since doing nothing and happy! I took me a bath and relaxed for two hours and been textin friends and on yahoo ever since. I am happy. I smell a good nights sleep coming! I'll let you know tomorrow!

It doesn't seem like I finished this week, hmmm oh well! I wonder what happened...

Week 1, I Can't Believe It!

August 2-9

I guess I should start on Saturday, since this all started on Saturday! Breath in, exhale! Here we go...

Saturday: It began as a pretty normal day. I spent the night over Twin's house and left for rehearsal that afternoon. It was a good rehearsal. We went through a good number of songs. I came to Shawn's place. I wanted to chill at Twin's that afternoon. He said we're waiting for Omar. He's always running late for some reason or another. It bugs Shawn and myself but whatever! Fast forward, events came to pass, words were exchanged and I was asked to leave. @-( <---upset face! I went to twins house and cried and poured out. Then went to Greg's to his first get together. I got really tipsy, but was able to drive home at like 6am. Y'all know I gotta be at church early!

Sunday: Reggie and I went to Riis Beach. Pride events were canceled but Reggie still wanted to go and needed a ride. I didn't wanna lay around doing anything. So there we went! I sat there and was sooo uncomfortable. I just wanted Shawn there. I was so used to Shawn being there. He wasn't. I felt naked as I sat there with my capris and shirt on. I tried to remain in high spirits but I had a feeling that my emotions were still seeping through the pores on my face. Then it started to rain. It was like the ocean was in a glass and it was poured on us, lol! The beach emptied like a crowded Popeye's that sold out of chicken! I hope nobody fell, cause they would of gotten their behinds trampled! On the way home we stopped by Dunkin Donuts to see a friend of Reggie's. Here is when the fun started!

Monday: I'm gonna start this day around 11ish on Sunday night! We were at Dunkin Donuts and talking with this guy. He was obviously gay, with his vans, his switch, and his stereotypically gay diction. He asked us if we could help him. He gave me 2 Ice Coffees, so I felt somewhat obligated. Reggie helped at the latter part. We made the bagels, set up the arrangement where all of the things went so customers could see, swept and mopped, and cleaned the tables. I came home and slept. I find out that this guy has a huge crush on me. More than a crush! He wants to hold me down for real for real. NO NO BOO BOO! The free donuts, and other stuff, was nice, but I can leave it behind if it's leading to any confusion with him thinking that him and I will be some kind of quick match up! lol Later on was my interview at the Hilton! I think it went well. I went in there confident and knowledgeable on what I was talking about. I impressed the human resources lady, Darien, but I could tell that I wasn't having such a good time with the Front Desk Manager. I still believe it went really well. After I got out of the interview, I got a phone call. Heart beating, sweating, trembling and preparing for the worst. The result came... I'm single! I can't believe it! I sat and I thought. Then I cried and stared. I was single... AGAIN!

Tuesday: I had an interview at this place called Boulevard 572, its in Kenilworth. It was at 12, I wanted to be early, so I showed at 11:45. I walked in and the guy was on the phone. Ten minutes later, he brings me into the dining room and asks me a few questions. I give him a few answers! He likes the feel of me and he asks if I could come in on Friday for a tasting at 3pm. I said sure! Why not? He said we would discuss schedule and pay and other specifics afterwards. I don't remember what happened that day, but that night I went back to Dunkin Donuts!

Wednesday: I sat there at Dunkin Donuts. I was going over in my mind why I was there in the first place! I didn't like this boy a bit. Not a bit! I think I just wanted someone to talk to! He listened. I was happy. I ended up doing more work. I was thinking I need to be on payroll for this! I did it because I was bored and I was having trouble sleeping. I hadn't slept well in two days and I couldn't really understand why. I have never had much trouble falling asleep. Even the week prior, I would wake up in nightmares sweating. I could never remember what the dream was about. Anyway, I took my donuts and sandwich and I came home and fell asleep.

Thursday: Reggie and I went looking for underwear. I was in a carefree mode and knew I shouldn't be spending money but I was beginning to feel lonely. People do weird things when they feel lonely. We went to a few places looking for some swim trunks for the Blackout Beach function at Fire Island. Store after store and nothing. We were at the point where we gave up, and we did. We were in search of someplace to go. We both had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Next destination, Twin's place! I noticed that Shawn texted me telling me he was home so I could bring his chair. I dropped off his chair and grabbed my paring knife that I would need on tomorrow's chef test. We got to Twins and watched TV.

Friday: After leaving Twins house, early in the AM, we went to Dunkin Donuts with a mission to get free goodies for the beach for Saturday. Mission Accomplished! We leave and I drop him off at a place to do his business. I leave and get home and cried. I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to be with. Nobody to hold. Just alone. I fell asleep wanting and desiring something holding a pillow. I woke early in anticipation of this chef test and this opening to be at 3. I was nervous. I get there and was still all over the map! My nerves was just shot and I was apt to cut myself at any given moment. I realized this and thought to myself, "whatever will happen will happen." I calmed down and was able to do what I needed to do. At the end of the night, I was offered the job. I had passed the test! GREAT! I had a job! I wasn't quite satisfied. It wasn't fulfilling my requirements for a job. It would take me out of church activities everyday during the week, not acceptable! I told him I would think about it. (I never got back to him)

Saturday: I had a boy over. So soon? It hasn't even been a week! He was country as hell. He said he was from the south somewhere, I couldn't remember exactly where. Well, anyway, he wanted a massage I gave him one (full body at that)! I was happy that I had someone to talk to. We watched the the 3rd Trois movie. I was holding him on the futon, laying down, and noticed he was turned on. We grinded, tossed and turned. All I could think about was how good he looked and how he wasn't Shawn. He left very satisfied and I was left in thought. I was horny yes, but tossed in a pool of memories. I really messed up! It is what it is. I miss Shawn. Alot! At least Shawn never left his stinch behind! :-(

After many roadblocks, figurative not literal, Reggie and I got to the beach. I saw Shawn and I panicked. I thought, "What is he thinking? Is he thinking about me? What if he sees someone he likes and tries to talk to him? He looks sooo sexy!" I walked away. I had to gather myself. I used the Deodorant as an excuse to walk away. It was chilly and I wanted to be warm, the only thing I could think of was how he used to hold me. I really messed up. I never knew breakups was sooo bad!

While I was away...

So due to the majority of the vote in favor of me posting, This was the first post that I drafted during my absence. Written on 8/10/2008, this is what I decided to write...

So, I'm gonna be honest and to the point. I said I was going to stay away from everything that was not productive. While I didn't totally eliminate everything, I did try to refrain from doing things often and in excess. I have analyzed why I do things and why I act the way I do in certain situations. I have discovered character flaws. Which, at this point, I am not comfortable sharing. I don't know whether I'll be able to share them, but know if I don't, know I'm just human like all of you!

The point of this post is to explain what you will be reading in the upcoming posts. You see I couldn't stay away from blogger, nor could I stay away from posting. I did think to myself this would be a wonderful opportunity to note occurrences and daily notes as they happen. A personal diary or journal if you will. It will contain my weaknesses, strengths, highs, lows, good, bad, emotions and feelings.

I'll be posting a weeks worth of progress at a time. This will happen once I begin posting again, and the weeks will be in real time. As of Sunday, Aug 10th, I am expecting to write a paragraph a day. I forecast myself not being able to stick to this standard. We will see!

Please note that this whole phase is to be an improvement process. I am not about to say I'm an angel, nor will I ever seriously claim to be one. I expect this to be a trial and error period. Don't judge me, or I'll get God to judge you!

I invite you to view my transitional period. I hope that it is a progress and improvement for myself.

Interjectection!

Before I start, Don't forget to cast your vote on the poll on the left side of the blog...

Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well!

All of those words at once! Yea I know I said I was gonna let you influence my next post, which would of been this one, but things happen. Some things happened at church on yesterday that would be monumental for me to mention. It just had to be said, that's all there is to it!

I went to church, after waking up at a friends place. I was conditioning myself, ever since the day before, to be to church on time. At church we had a special speaker, not to me, but to everyone else. I knew him. So, I was like yea, no surprise for me! Service was over, it was a HIGH time and I drove my Pastor to the church that he plays for. I gotta take care of him; he's a great Pastor and I don't want him over doing himself. So, that service was okay. I really don't particularly like the atmosphere at that church. I'm there for support purposes so, it's whatever.

I get back to the Pastor's house and First Lady and Sister Soandso are talking. Talking about nothing in particular but just talking about the body of Christ and whatever else subject came up. First Lady said that she had a bone to pick with Sister Soandso and I. Leaving out Sister Soandso, she told me that I was stubborn. She said that there is something that is so very small that is in my way, that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from accepting my calling.

::PAUSE::

I have had a great idea of what my calling is and have ignored it. I have only admitted it to myself and dismissed at the same time. Its been about 3 years I have known and ignored. It was something I wanted no part of! I thought I didn't fit the mold. I ran from my calling because I never got any confirmation from a trusted source!

::UNPAUSE::

She went on to ask when I would realize that I have a gift. She told me that I know the word so well, and have a clear understanding of it at the same time! She said that I have this power working inside of me that I'm suppressing. She emphasized that I didn't know what I was working with. She finished the conversation by saying that I knew about it all and I'm choosing not to embody my calling. She said that if it wasn't for God telling me this I would of never told you. "When are you going to step and be the minister God wants you to be, that you know you should be?"

I couldn't say a word. That I thought in my mind was: Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well! I felt like I just got a beating! So, I had to post this. The day I received proof of my calling!

So, I didn't know this...

Sarah Palin is pentecostal! I heard she belonged to the Church of God in Christ and I reacted! WHAT? Palin is COGIC? I needed to find out for myself. I was always told that the Church of God in Christ was the largest denomination outside of the catholic faith. Apparently, that may be incorrect. As I researched this Palin COGIC thing, I discovered the Assemblies of God. I went back in the history and found out that COGIC and The Assemblies of God are almost one in the same. There are a few differences. One baptizes in the Holy Spirit and the other in the name of the Father Son and the Holy Spirit. There are other minor differences as well. COGIC is predominately black and Assemblies of God are predominately white. Its so amazing that Jim Crow laws had a role in this split at approximately 100 years ago. What is more amazing? We are still split long after Jim Crow laws have been done away with! Just trying to find out where the unity is...

I have posted a poll and I want to see what you think. There's always a poll up! The results of this poll will determine my next post...

A Double Minded Front!

I call this post double minded for a reason. I would say this post would be focused around relationships, or lack thereof. My blogger friends from Far Far Away have been in talks with me and, through working on myself in my spare time, I can say that I'm not sure. I'll get into that in a bit...

I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.

I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...

J. Holiday - Suffocate

---------------------

I have deleted all of my naked pics. yea I know that's like a million, but I haven't had any naked pics for awhile. I stumbled upon a few that were stored in another folder that were cute, I kept those! lol. Anyway, I am on BGC. I get hit up left and right with people that are interested in tryin to sex me, and trying to be my next Boo! I have given all of them a long ass string and haven't pulled on any of them. I would say that I want to date someone again. I want to be in someone's company and have all of their attention on me. I have plenty upon plenty to allow to take me out! They all are still waiting. I don't want to lead them on, but I get so lonely at night. I don't have a text buddy I can run to. I have nobody. Or do i?

I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!

There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...

I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!

Current State: Living A Double Minded Front!

My Weekend...

So much happened this weekend! It was like the best/worst weekend I have had in a long time! Here comes the rundown!

Friday- I went to work and put my hours in. Came home and tutored some kids. Then went to my old church to hear my big cousin preach. He's a newly appointed Elder and a national evangelist for C.O.G.I.C. worldwide. He preached with a topic "What happened to the power?" and was dynamic! I came home and was in a mood to go out. Everyone had plans and I waited for a guy online to come thru he never came. I sat and waited for nothing! I drifted off to sleep with a wasted Friday night!

Saturday- My dad is coming back today. That means I have to get the house to where it was before he left! moving furniture and a few other things. I said whatever to all of that and just cleaned everything! I was determined to have a good time on Saturday. I worked a grand total of 71.5 hours this week and I won't see most of that till the end of the month! Damned pay periods! I have been exhausted all week! I wanna have a good time with whatever lil change I have to rub together! I'll make it work!

Here is where it gets interesting! Twin, Shawn and his date went out! We went to TGI's and to the city. We had a blast. I was comfortable and was happy Shawn was happy. He won't know this till reads this, but I wanted to lick him! He looked so sexy and all I wanted to do was give him a nice kiss! Did I mention I was drunk? Yea... Drunk... Its been over a month since I had sex and my hormones are really getting the best of me and I curbed my feelings and urges, even under he influence. I saw him kiss his date and I cringed a bit, but I wasn't lastingly bothered. I had fun. After the Vill, I came to twin's house and fell victim to his couch.

Sunday- I think I have my first hangover! I woke up with a headache and nausea! It was bad. I didn't wanna move too much cause I didn't wanna bear all to the sidewalk, as I made my way to my car to go to church. I get there and service was high and lifted up! I got my shout in for sure! I claimed my healing of that Got Damned Nausea! lol I hung out with my pastor for the day. He plays for another church in Newark as the senior musician.

I needed a refreshment. I went downstairs, in the church, to get a Coke. I needed to stay awake. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and admired. I know I have always admired myself, but that has always been with no shirt, nude, or in some sexual pose. This time I saw me as everyone else would see me. Fully clothed and conservative. This is the first time I have truly seen myself as attractive and liked it. I took some pics on my phone...

This is a milestone for me! I'm coming out of my insecure self and becoming a confident man. I even asked my pastor this question. "If I told you I had problems with self esteem, would you believe me?" He said he knew that way before I told him. Way before I was a member of his church. He said I try to hide it and I do a very good job. He went on to further say that God told him to watch over me because of this! 2 years ago! Ummm hello! I'm gonna need God and my pastor to stop talkin behind my back!

My Sunday is long, aint it? lol I wanted to go out to this lounge in Newark. I don't know the name, but it's on Williams St., downtown. I wanted to go with this guy I wanted to chill with on friday night. He felt bad that he's missed both of my parties, and 2 chill nights. So he offered to drive to NY to Esqualitas. Princess Janee was hosting a diva search. It was nice. What I didn't mention is that my jacket was stolen, and I got 3 tickets. @ on the way to Orange and came back to Orange to find a parking ticket. Needless to say my black ass will stay out of Orange! But the guy was cute, fun and a great time. By no means a date but two guys having fun. I'm glad that I didn't allow the first two tickets to get me down... That would of been the old fuzzy for sure. Getting depressed at the very most minor thing possible! I am changing for the better!


Monday- I really don't wish to talk about today much. I paid 2 months of rent this afternoon. I wanna say I'm sorry to a friend(s) of mine. I thought I was clear with my intentions to pay you back. I thought you understood where I was coming from. I thought saw my situation. I thought you wouldn't let this come between us. It has. I'm sorry. I never meant to take advantage of you. I never meant to take this long to pay you back. I have been busting my back for the last two weeks trying to play catch-up with everything. Working extended work weeks. Falling asleep at work, barely functioning, going sleepless nights, I thought you would see that. I said that I was paying everybody back in a previous post. I just am waiting to see the fruits of my labor. I try to be a man of my word. What I say I try to make true on! I do my best. Apparently that wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry. You'll have your money in two weeks! Again I'm sorry...

My weekend ended on Monday, at 1:55pm. "You can keep the attitude Daniel..." My weekend ended on a horrible note (text message).