The Open Relationship

 The idea of an open relationship could be represented in the “have your cake and eat it too” cliche. I severely disagree with that logic. I feel as though you might be able to have some cake, even eat some too, but there is a cost to all of this cake. 

I’ve been involved in 2 open relationships and I am not the spokesperson for condoning open relationships. People often say they don’t work, someone is going to get hurt, or some variety of situation like that. Others may judge the relationship and talk about why you’re even in one. He/she doesn’t do it the way you want, or even the right way. Ranging from underperformance to intimacy issues all they way across the country and back! Y’all know how people are. My first relationship with Gabe didn’t work, and it wasn’t because of the open part. It was because of the abuse I got and how it was not a healthy mental space for me to be in any longer. The arrangement worked pretty well but the person in the relationship didn’t work out well at all. 

Fast track into the next open relationship with Robert, the one I’m currently in. I LOVE IT! My takeaways are so much more positive than the negative. The negative here is the jealousy and how we define and label how open we’re going to be with our relationship and the rules that govern it. A healthy relationship should be one that both parties involved can agree upon, respect and abide by. If any of those things falter, then there’s the beginning of the end of that open relationship. 

I’ll use Author as an example to how things can go wrong. I like Author. I like him as a bit more than a friend, most likely more than I should but there’s a boundary that I am not able to cross even if I wanted to. He has a boyfriend and I made a promise and a vow to not cheat AND I feel that Rob is my ONE ride or die to the end. No matter the feelings associated with him, it can only go so far on my behalf. Robert doesn’t understand why I spend so much time with him. Why I do things with Author that make me happier than doing them with Rob. He views Author as a threat, even though I was more than happy for the two to meet so he can see how the vibe exists between us two. Not as much of a threat, but prolly still a threat. Thats one aspect in one situation how things can just get complicated. 

Same scenario as before but from a different perspective. Instead of Rob being jealous, consider my feelings toward Author. Someone I like, vibe with and enjoy spending time with has a boyfriend of his own. Rob is jealous of Author, but I’m jealous because of the boyfriend. It’s not for reasons you might believe either. I’m not jealous that he has a boyfriend, I’m jealous because I love attention and because of life and his commitment to the boyfriend, I cannot get the amount of time I want from him. I’m left waiting for text replies. I can’t text or call during certain points of the week. It’s rough to have a friend who is something more than a friend and be left on a sideline. It’s worse than being the 3rd wheel or the mistress or whatever the male version of mistress is. I have a WHOLE boyfriend that I love and in addition to that I have a guy who has a boyfriend that I have more than friendly and sexual feelings for also! Oh the tangled web I’ve woven.

There’s still yet another hypothetical side to be considered. Think of Author. He’s admitted to the awesome connection. Him and his boyfriend aren’t open really. They are in a hard space and are trying to be together despite family and living situational issues. It’s hard to deal with a strained relationship and here comes a guy who you connect with who is in a relationship of his own. What is there to do. Who do you talk to about that. I have the blogosphere to talk to, I think! Idk if y’all are even reading anything I say. Do people blog still? Do they read, lol? It’s cool either way. 

The final perspective to be considered is also hypothetical. The boyfriend of Author. He’s the only one who is really out of the loop. He doesn’t know any of this is happening! At least Rob is aware of the happenings I’m having because I communicate with him about 90% of what’s occurrences. Poor boyfriend is clueless. What if he finds out? How will he find out? How will he react? What will he do? How will Author recover? Will he need recovery? Will he blame me? So many directions this whole situation can go.

All I know, open relationships are harder than traditional relationships. The amount of opportunity you expose yourself to is unreal. The temptation is unrivaled. It could be super messy or the dream of a lifetime! I thought I had it easy until Author came along and fucked things up. It’s quite a shit stir, as he’s the reason I felt the need to dust off my keyboard and hit the keys. It’s like my confessional sorta. I’ll bring you along for the ride if you’ll strap yourselves in and follow intently. 

Just Keep Wondering…

I’m Addicted To You

 I remember so very clear when Grindr and all of the “grid apps” came out. It was sorta like the inner thot in me awakened. At first I used the apps to increase my chances of finding some to date. When I would have my carnal cravings and urges, I’d use the apps for hookups. It wasn’t until I found happiness in a relationship that I would use it to find friendship. What the current story is now, I just don’t know!

Currently, I find swiping from profile to profile soothing to some degree. It’s like a fidget spinner for me. I could actually swipe myself to sleep and I’ve done it several times. I don’t have any reason to even be content with the selection of guys available because of what comes my way. So, I place a profile up with what I’m looking for, my expectations and what I wont allow in the nicest of ways that someone can say something direct. The gist of the text says, no nudes, no quick meets or fucks and lets be friends before discussing any of that. What ends up coming my way are guys who send me the nastiest of dick pics, work out asshole photos, thirst trap convos and thot advances. What generally will happen is I’ll turn them down, when they message me in the 1st place, and be called ugly and fat and some variety of something less than pleasant. All the while, they were the ones advancing toward me and initiating conversations with me. Like, where do they do that at?

The struggle lies with going online just to see who’s online. I am thinking it’s possibly because I have hope that I will find a friend who might match my expectations who just so happen might be sexy enough to fool around with. Having an open relationship has its perks. It takes patience to deal with all the foolishness, stereotypical one track male mind, hormones and testosterone that’s on overdrive. So I sift thru the bullshit looking for anything to be caught and left behind. There’s hardly anything left ever. Some tiny pieces get caught and I get excited, but they fake the talk and the walk. The time I take, and lengths of conversation I have usually uncover the true intentions of people. The idea of “let me say what he wants to hear so I can meet and fuck” will not work with me. I am always in analysis and cross checking what people say and do. Guys will always show their true colors when you give them enough time and opportunity, myself included. Maya Angelou even said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” So, all I use is a tool called time and my God-given eyes.

I have no clue why I use these apps with such a low success rate. I don’t know why I keep coming back day after day after day after day! I’m like a broken record feeling helpless in an endless loop of insanity. It’s probably my crazy need of friendship that I’ve craved since I was a small kid. Maybe I never felt fulfilled with who I had as my current friends. Maybe I crave attention. Who knows?

I even had the paid subscriptions to Grindr and Scruff. So, what I’ve decided to do is not renew my paid subscriptions. It makes it easier to not scroll aimlessly through the grid. With all the ads that pop up after ever other profile are annoying and I do not have endless profiles to search through. Also, I will set a goal of one more friend to make and then to remove myself completely.

I swear it’s like a drug and a bad habit. I have no idea how I even allowed this type of thing to consume my everyday life for multiple times and occurrences throughout the day. Simply amazing! So, I may be looking for a hobby soon. I will definitely need something to fill all the time I spend swiping through bodies on my phone. I desire to be Grid-Free and able to refocus my attention to something that matters more. We’ll see what happens over time. 

Just Keep Wondering…

Enter Authur…

 I am currently 36 years old. I started having sex when I was 18 years old. My first mind blowing sex was when I was 19. I allowed myself to relax and become one with a man. The pleasure I allowed myself to experience was unlike anything I could even accurately describe. We had several sex episodes over the corse of 6 hours. How I didn’t want to leave! I mean, they kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, a few different places on several floors. I don’t have the words to allow you to paint the picture I’m painting! Craziness!!!

Fast forward to 28 years old and I experienced my first orgasm from sheer pleasure. The one thing I couldn’t attribute to the best sex ever, happened at one of my own sex parties. Yes, The HoDown hooked me up! It was unexpected from a guy I would have never really had sex with. His dick looked good and the TV glare shined in a perfect way and I felt froggy. So, I leaped! In just a few mins later, this man managed to make me feel so hot, and wet and sexy and all of these feelings of greatness traveled to my dick and I filled my chest with nut while my arms were pinned against the wall. I may have even got some on my face as I’m remembering, lol. It was my second most memorable experience. 

Enter Author…

Author is a man who I met in 2018 or 2019 who I met and was very interested in dating. I had a great time with him and it was not great timing on his end for several reasons. It left me sorta paralyzed and helpless when he decided to sever communications. It was sex and it was great and I wanted more. I was shot down. It was like a good high you wanted to experience over and over again. Then you’re told that the drug isn’t available anymore. Now, you’re in withdrawal. SMH!

Fast forward, Jan 2022, our paths crossed again. This time there are two factors that are differently unique. The first was sex was what was supposed to happen. What ended up happening was an experience combining the first two experiences mentioned above. Mind blowing sex and a orgasm to seal the deal. This time, because of my tendency to always ask questions and discover why things are the way they are, I can say there was this comfort level between us that enabled us to elevate the sexual experience to a spiritual level. That type of connection was one for my book rated as TOP NOTCH! The second factor enters in when he feels that same connection and accepts it. We had a talk about what happened years before and how I felt and what was going on in his life and it would not have worked out for us in many aspects. All to say good things to good people in the good time we’re supposed to receive them. 

Here’s the scary part, I have a boyfriend and he has a boyfriend. We agreed to remain friends. There was a connection there that neither of us wished to cut off. If it was just a friendship that could flourish that would be what would happen. If there’s more, then we can add more. We’ve even hung out my bf and him and ON MY END there’s no secrets. The hope is the sun moon and stars align and we can all be life friends. It’s a tall ask for such a new friendship but that’s how deep this connection is. I’m just amazed this even happened and I can talked about it. I can’t wait to add a chapter onto this Author series.

Just Keep Wondering…

1 Year Already?

 I can’t believe it’s been a year since I found some time to write to you all about myself and life and all of that. 2021 was quite the eventful year. I lost my father in July. I got a promotion in October. I either discovered that I have anxiety issues or developed them sometime after July. I went ring shopping with my boyfriend. I managed to have my first family dinner with all of my siblings at one time. My income changed. I decided that I am going to go back to school with intent on finishing. So much happened! The funny part, in 2022, things are happening quickly as well.

I believe that writing here more often might be an option to help me release some of my emotions, feelings and provide an opportunity for me to begin to find some kind of peace. Panic attacks, increased heart rate and dealing with everyday things worry me and well I must start to feel better. They say talk about your problems and get them out in the open. They say express yourself. Well, lets give it a go!

There’s been some developments in my emotional life, some are pretty racy and others may be concerning to some, probably myself first. I’ll bring the blogosphere along for every step of the ride and hopefully grab some feedback in the process. If not, it’s cool. Writing is quite enough for me. 

Here here for 2022 and all the many surprises there will be to come!

Just Keep Wondering…

2 Years Later...

 I can't believe that it's been 2 WHOLE years since I've thought to visit the place that gave me a freedom I needed. I suppose a catch-up is in order and what a perfect time than 2 years exactly from my last post. Let me tell you, it's gonna be a good one!

Last I wrote, I was in this place with a man named Robert. To be more specific, there was an entanglement between two men who lived on two different coasts of this grand ol United States. What made it complicated was how the ordeal started, who the entanglement involved, the disillusion had by some, and failed communications by all. Not to be messy, because I've grown up a lil, but I just want to move past it and wish that other involved parties would heal and reconcile. To give a non-descript summary, I met a guy who I wanted to date and our timing wasn't right. Years went by and then distance became an issue, but the timing seemed to be better that it was, or quite possibly could ever be. The horrible part is there was another involved guy who made me jealous enough to deeply pursue Robert. He was caught in the middle and well there were hurt feelings. We are still together until this day. While I would change some things I did to get here, I would leave it just the way it was if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today. While I believe he'll never read this, if he does... LOVE YA 😚

I'm still at Chili's. I hate being here, but I feel as though after putting 10 years into a company I may as well stay. That's if my job wasn't a pain in my back, LITERALLY! That leads me to some more grown up things. I'm looking for a new job that is less physical and will give me the same luxiourous cash as I currently get or more. Unfortunately, at my age my options are limited due to my education and experience. I've dug my own hole. Good thing for me, it's not a deep one! Uber Eats has become a great side job before the pandemic and has proven to be a great 1st job so far as finances go. If you put in the time, you will make the money. It's easy to give time to drive around delivering peoples food. I get to catch up on podcasts, listen to music, and have some alone time if I want/need. The fabulous part is I'm great at it and I'm a diamond level driver. I guess I forgot to mention that I get to go to school for free! and not just for a associates level degree, I'll be getting a undergrad degree in nutrition. Something I've been wanting to do for the last 12 years and Ive tried twice to do so and well I haven't succeeded. This time, I will strategically plan this out and I will finish. This is the chance I need to change my story into something I will be proud of. Something I can say I did. Something I can say I finished. It's my chance to give myself a good set up and I believe I have enough of life's wisdom so I can make better choices concerning my future! So, I'm going for it and well, another chapter is about to begin! Not yet though, I'm still typing!

I am good for having a car with some issues. Name an issue, I'm sure I've had it. I paid off another car in 2020 and I was SOOOOO proud of myself. I had some pretty pricy repairs done on this car and it was grim at one point if I was going to recover from the repair bill, let alone pay it off. It got done though, and I had the title to a car I had no clue I was going to be trading in just a handful of months. Yeah, I said it. I had another major issue and that was the straw that made the camel slip, lol! It didn't take me long to get into a new car as I was saving up for a new one anyway. I wasn't able to get the car I wanted, but I got a car that made me happy and well... its another Volkswagen. I can't get enough of the GTI. It was the first car I ever wanted. I had one in Midnight Club. My friend had one in high school and I wanted one then. When I finally experienced the fun that was VW GTI, I don't think I could ever not own one. I'm hooked and GTI is my crack. I can't get enough. It's what I wanted and its what I got. The 2017 autobahn GTI in dark grey. I've officially named it Shadow, after the hedgehog from Sonic. We will be on many adventures together, as I made sure to double up on my warranty! This one wont be catching me off guard, nope! #wisdom

I made a decision in 2020 that I was going to be a better adult and start to care more about my yheallth and finances. I've paid off some bills, collections and a car off. I've started the process of getting my teeth fixed and just began round two of that yesterday. My back has been greatly bothering me and I found out about some herniations I have in my back, so I started dealing with that. Covid has hindered me from getting treatments, but I'm going to reduce my own excuses for 2021. My feet also suck and I'm in process of fixing that problem as well. My wellness, mind, body and soul is what I'm focused on this year. I want to be happy all around and well, treat it like a spoiler if you want, but there's gonna be some moves made this year that make good for a happy Fuzzy. No tea concerning that today, I guess you'll need to come back to find out 😉. What I can say is, I plan on doing some traveling and quarantining when it's safer to do so. Who's to say what else is in store?

Speaking of happiness, HoDown's are on an indefinate pause. It's too risky. So much out there and sickness running about, it's better that I don't. The indefinate part comes from the happiness I have attained from not dealing with the horned up men who have no regard for effort given, sho no respect and have the audacity to look at me funny when someone doesn't want them. Anyway, that's a WHOLE other topic. The immediate benefit that I have seen is that I've been able to see my apartment and finally start to feel like its my home. I'm not sure if you might understand, but everyone has items they hold dear to them. Everyone has a life and possessions, be it small or large. I am no exception. Its rough to live some where and throw a party where lurky fingers and prying nosy eyes are scouring your home looking for opportunity on a weekly basis. Hell, sometimes multiple times per week! Putting your life away day after day, securing belongings anywhere you can to keep them is exhausting and started to wear on me. After letting my life out oof the closet, I'm relieved I don't need to put it back! It's an awesome feeling and I am not in any rush to revisit that past. Covid-19 may have indeed killed The HoDown. Fear not, Fuzzy is still around and my imaginary thoughts, ponderances and stories will live on! If anything, it'll be back later on bigger and better than ever, just not in my living space! 

I think I will end this post with this thought. I'm playing house and building a future with someone who wants a future with me. Where will this go? What does this mean for Fuzzy? Why must Fuzzy keep us in suspense? So many questions and so very lil time. Until the next time!

Just Keep Wondering... 

Rob Called Me...

... to say good night

I definitely got no sleep last night. All I could think about was how I could let myself become so involved with someone who is thousands of miles away. How Could I let myself get mixed up into this messy shit and feel this magnitude about it! Its a super "SMH" moment and 'm definitely not proud about it.

I took a shift on my day off to occupy some of my time that was just empty space wondering the most and thinking the worst. Before I went in, I tried to sort out some delivery foolishness with DHL and USPS. I ordered a contactless card reader, I think that's what it's called, and Square Inc sent it via DHL to USPS. I was sent to be delivered this past Tuesday and records show that it was actually delivered. Problem is, I DON'T HAVE MY PACKAGE! After calling number after number with DHL, I was finally referred to USPS to follow up with them. I sat on hold and was transferred to several departments and finally reached an automated recording telling me that I needed to file some sorta form online or at a local Post Office branch to go forward and expect to wait the minimum of 3 business days. That did not fly well with me at all. Then I tried to call Square back on my way to work and they wanted some stupid number that  didn't have time to pull over and record and enter into their automated system. So I was super pissed that you need some stupid number to get past some automated tele prompt recording to speak to a live representative.

So I clock into work and the BS happened immediately. There was a call out and they greeted me at the door with "do you wanna work tonight?" That's gonna be a super hard no! One of the servers is sick and can't come in. Said she was vomiting all over the place. Funny when my black ass was here this past Tuesday vomiting nobody gave two left shits about my health! You all can kick rocks in toe socks for all I care! In the next breath and sentence, "I hope she feels better though!"

After work I further occupy my time by trying to fix a botched up order from Office Depot. That's was worked out and now I'm on my way home. Then a couple I was getting to know from before sends me a message saying we're back in town, come meet us. I said Sure! Rob is doing whatever he's doing, I guess I may as well join the party. So I went. It was 5:30pm and I have returned back at home at 11:30pm. I enjoyed myself, tasted some great nut and will definitely head back, as they live only 3 blocks away!

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm so beat over Rob if I'm out frolicking with a married couple. I'm in the place where Rob has at least one of my heart strings and while I'm releasing tension and stress I'm thinking about Rob. I'm thinking about how can I expect sexual morals from him when I'm out here being reckless. I honestly don't know the answer. What I do know is that even after the awesome night I had, and the drinks that I drink and they even made me awesome dinner, all I could think about was Rob.

Thinking maybe I'll call him tonight...

Just Keep Wondering...

Messy

I met Rob back in maybe 2012. We had a personal meeting and then he came to a few of my sex parties. There was talk of us trying to be together but I was still with Gabe. I had this crazy notion of not breaking up with someone just to be with someone else. In retrospect, I feel that I should have done it. I might have saved myself much grief, but in exchange I would not have been the guy that he calls special at the current day.

We continued to be friends and sex buddies through the years and it was awesome. This past summer, of 2018, we were reunited. During this reunion, he was introduced to a friend of mine. Let's call him Hiro, because he's a bit awkward, lol! Nothing much was thought when Hiro and Rob exchanged information. Moving forward, in November things begin to heat up. I've begun to see what kinda guy Rob is and I'm extremely interested in getting to know more personal details about him. He fascinates me and I haven't been fascinated in a VERY long time. In the beginning of 2019, we made the decision to go forward in whatever "this" was shaping into. We're both excited and I feel as though, despite him living in California (yes i said it correctly California), I have a real shot at something I've been searching for. Then I get a phone call...

"Hey, how are you?", asked Rob. "I'm great babe, how are you? Whats up?", I replied. "I'm chillin. I need to tell you something", said Rob. I responded with, "Sounds juicy!" He said, "I hope you don't get upset. Please don't be upset..." I interrupted, "Just say it!" Hesitantly he says, "I've been meaning to tell you that Hiro is coming to see me next week." I asked why this was happening and he only said that he was visiting. I feel like because he didn't want me to be upset i had a reason to be upset. So I started fishing and asking questions. I asked if they were planning on having sex and the response was, "would I be mad if it happened?" Now, I'm mad!

He goes on to say that he doesn't want there to be any drama because he doesn't like drama. I'm not a messy guy but this has a great potential to get hella messy and I'm just not ready or prepared for this situation to south. As I'm prolly the only one that's stressed out and losing sleep and consoling with a bottle.

To put my feelings at some sort of rest, I communicate that he needs to tell Hiro that we are talking and how serious this is between us. We haven't established that we are together but we have agreed that that is what we're working toward. If he can't communicate this that there's no real reason in pursuing more. He told Hiro and there was no change or reaction or even any comment from him to me afterward and he's continued with his trip to see who will be my man. Or maybe that won't happen!

The situation has gotten to the point that I am the only one really who would see the most lost because I am the most vested. Worst case scenario, I get to see Hiro with Rob and see Rob not with me. This would result in me not wanting to deal with any of them as that's something that would cause heartache, because I am already vested. Best case scenario is nothing is actually happening in California between them two and they are just hanging out. Knowing Hiro, my mind is just playing the worst record over and over again! Makes me sad and makes me angry and I no longer have Jimmy to comment on the situation because he's the mutual friend between Hiro and I. He doesn't want a fallout with him as the innocent bystander. I understand it but now I'm left with blogger which in 2019 with my followers (if any) is a one sided conversation.

Rob is calling...

Just Keep Wondering...

It's been over 2 years!

I'd like to say that there are so many things to catch you up on, but there really isn't. I'm still an employee at Chili's. I still live in Elizabeth, NJ. I still drive a VW GTI. I'm still single. I'm still many things. So you might ask, what brings Fuzzy onlye to write us if nothing has really changed? Well, my friends have changed a bit.

Jay, my best friend, has decided that he was going to be super disrespectful to me a group chat with friends involved. I called him out it and I was called a bitch. He then decided that he was going to ignore me for two months and talk shit about me to our mutual friend in UK. I don't have any alleged proof of this "shit talk", but when we had our conversation he was completely aware of what was happening.

Black Travis, my roommate, is drinking at most times when i need a friend and winds up falling asleep when I need to get some words in. Ahhh... y'all don't know... I got a roommate and well that's that! Maybe more to share at a later time.

Jimmy, who has grown to be one of my closest friends, has chosen to become neutral in a romantic matter I am having with someone in California who may or may not be involved with a mutual friend of ours. This, my readers, is why I am up at almost 2am in the morning typing.

More to come in a series of posts to be published at 2am each day over the course of the next week. Until then...

Just Keep Wondering...

Birthday suit thought

It's 3:14am. I just watched the latest episode of This Is Us and there was a short moment where I saw a moment that would never exist. Triplets, one adopted black child, sat in an emergency room and kept it real with each other. The camera zoomed out and I saw what I wish was my siblings. As dysfunctional as they are, they are honest at the very least.

My brothers don't know I like guys. Only one brother knows I'm positive. I have 4, in case if you were wondering. I often thought, what would life be like if I just came out. I know some may say, it's 2017 and nobody cares. Those who might say that don't have my potential losses at hand. My brother is a assistant Pastor. I'm a minister. My uncle is a pastor. My cousin is a national evangelist. Public humiliation, exile, discommunication, among the names I'd be called? If I had a closer more tradable family as a substitute, then maybe I'd risk it. As of now, if those terrible things occurred, I'd be alone. I mean alone is what I am now, but alone is deff what I'd be if shit went south.

You're probable judging me for being a minister and all of my dealings here. It's cool, make sure you judge yourself before you judge me. Keep in mind that in God's eyes, wrong is wrong and there's no scale to the wrongness. I have to let these things out to become a better me. If not, these expressions turn into something severely unhealthy. Then rash unexpected outbursts happen. Next thing you know, people are looking at me like, "what's wrong with him? " Moving onward...

I can't help but ponder what lies in the works for my siblings' relationships in the future. I think we're so dysfunctional it's beyond repair. Who's to say tho?

Just Keep Wondering...

Kind Words Aren't Forgotten

Thank you so much, if you ever decide to read this, know I appreciate you

Saying goodbye...

Jason, I've known you for 4 years. You were with me when I moved down to Philly and back. You seen me through a move in Elizabeth and helped me with all those boxes. I remember the times when you watched me as i slept in between those shifts, and even when I was stranded a couple times without a bed. You kept me company in my travels down south and back those countless times. Ah...memories!

It's going to be hard to say goodbye. I'll member all the times I rode you and every time you got to come on time. There will never be another Jason. I'm crying thinking about how I'll never stick it in your rear ever again, or how you sounded when I touched you in those places. It's just too hard...

I don't wanna say goodbye, especially after we've been through so many things. I don't want you to see the tears in my eyes, so I gotta say goodbye...

Jason "05 VW GTI"
2/2013-1/2017

Just Keep Wondering...

Happy New Year

I wish to take the time to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and a prosperous one at that! I hope your holidays were great, Christmas was awesome and time spent with family and loved ones were awesome.

My thanksgiving was one for the books. I usually spend my turkey day with my brother's family. I eat, put up with being straight for family, deal with whatever football game is on and explain why my girlfriend isn't here. This year, I watched movies and ate dinner at my first lady's (pastor's wife) house with very few people. No lavish food, none of mom's sweet potato pie, no special cakes, nothing. After I went home and life resumed without any significant marks. My thoughts were, Christmas will be better. Lemme tell you...

Christmas this year was also one for the books. I usually spend it with my nieces and they make me forget that I'm broken on the inside and I show my love and strong points externally to keep up the holidays for them. Gifts are exchanged, there's a 2.5 hour trip filled with gospel celebration there and back, awesome food, brother time, sister time and then work 2 days after. Christmas is always Christmas eve, Christmas, and the day after. This year, I needed to speak at my church on Christmas day and work the day before and day after. There was no Christmas for me. I sat here at home, invited those that told me they were having a slow Christmas also, and waited for them to come. 2 came, one was on the phone the majority of the time, the other tried to hit on me. Sad, I know! They all left and I'm home with my phone and tv. Christmas is now over.

New Year's comes and I have worked all of New Year's Eve then went to church directly after. Stayed there with good convo until 4am. Prolly, though it may seem minimal, this day was highlight of the holidays. Most fun I've had and it was just talking. Yet it seemed so uneventful. Later on, I had a game night at 7pm. All was well until some questions came up about Britney's birthday this past summer. Britney is the girl who I thought was gonna be my actual wife someday. I got some answers concerning unresolved feelings that left me uneasy. Then follow up texts the next day show that the wife thing ain't gonna happen. Not much of a gambler, and really shy. So, she was my only female prospect and the only woman I've actually been attracted to for years. A bit devastated under the cover, but the supporting friend on top.

In the midst of the holidays, Jose comes along. He's my prince from Venezuela. He comes in, handsome and caring, wearing a genuine facade, making me believe he likes me. In reality, he's made his way into my heart, made me speak his language, and fall for him when he's got a family already. Yea, I said it! Married with a 9 y/o daughter. I said there was something wrong with him and he was too good to be true, and he was. He is either going to use me for a green card or to hide out from immigration. He gave me false hope and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe was giving me back some good energy. Damn, I was wrong as hell!

I'm left feeling used, and thinking on how abused and used I'd been in times past. Maybe it's meant for me to be single. Maybe it's not in the cards for me to have kids. Maybe happiness died with my mom on October 23rd, 2005. Maybe I should just stop trying? Gabe turned my optimistic character into that of a pessimist. Time apart, I mean years apart, has started to restore my ability to see the glass as half full. I gotta be honest, I feel like the glass is almost empty.

In current times, I believe there's no man for me. There's no woman that would want me. A hiv positive, somewhat bisexual, who is barely independent, and thinly holding himself together. It doesn't matter what good I have to offer, people look at my hiv status and keep it moving. The plague is still real and quite a hindrance. I don't know if giving up is the way, but it deff  seems like the easier way. No more trying, no more crying, no more struggling, no more failing, no more hurting, no more anything!

It's 2017. While everybody else said happy New year, I faked it. Fuck this new year! What the hell is so special about it? Why should everybody be all excited? Another chance to do what they tried to do in 2016, and maybe many previous years also, but failed? #FOH A new year, another chance to fail just like the rest of the years. I know that's not even the attitude to have, but it's how I feel. I have low expectations from this year, and I don't think I'll make it though. However, there's one thing I know to be true, time tells all things.

Just Keep Wondering...

FML

So, I got into a car accident while visiting Atlanta for black gay pride. The incident almost ruins my weekend. Set scene... Guy hits me. I call police. Guy tells police that I hit him. Now we both get tickets and gotta fight it out. My 23rd time to Atlanta and my case is now dismissed and my perfect driving record is kept in tact. That's the happy ending tho.

The precursor to the finale includes a host of car issues an a robbery. Yea, on the way down to the lovely Atl, my car begins to shake and shimmy in Virginia outta the clear blue. Being concerned for the car and the safety of all parties riding, I decide that it's best to continue travels behind the wheel unassisted. Then we arrive safely and lo and behold, the car over heats! I leave my car and go to a nearby auto parts store and return within 45 mins to discover my car was broken into and battery stolen. Now stranded with little emergency funds and a damaged vehicle, I'm at my wits end without money and a return home plan. I find out that my tow service only covers me for 5 miles and I have to pay for the remaining 9 miles of the tow. Facing a possible vehicle abandonment in Georgia, I am preparing myself for the worst. I got drunk, passed out and readied myself for court in the morning. So now I have sorta beat the charges but may still need to pay the deductible. I won a battle, the war is still at large. So now the car. I got the money from big bro that always has my back in these times of auto trouble. And he bailed me outta the bind. I got the parts and now everything seems to be aligning properly. Ever so grateful...

Now it's time to get the window that was broken outta my car fixed and make my way to effectively be a thot. I need a manly distraction from these last 2 days! Being on the bodies and the booze!

Just keep wondering...

Get Back To My Baby

Watching this video, I realized that it's been so many years since I've had the particular feeling that Vivian is feeling here. Can't wait until it comes along again.

Chasing Cars

Not to be greatly graphic, but I just got of bed and left a man in it. Yes it's my bed, in case you're wondering. The man in the bed is cool, not great in the looks department, but has a decent personality. Something was missing...

While watching Grey's Anatomy, "Chasing Cars" comes on during the end of a season at a climatic point. It got me thinking on if I would ever met that one I would want to invite to lay with me and we'd be able to forget the world. The concept and idea of completely ignoring your surroundings, people, sounds, situations, circumstances, problems... EVERYTHING! So as I laid there with this man, who is clearly interested in me, the only thing I could think about was everything.

So I'm out of bed, blogging in necessity because I must unload these emotions. Last week, I missed church because I was lonely. Before you go there, saying I copped out, I was lonely to the point of discomposure. I couldn't fix my face from the tears and sobbing and sorrow; I had to go through this. So I stayed home. I went through being stood up that night, abandoned the next day, and being catfished the following day. The week started off poorly, had a poor hump with me being jealous of a friend's new relationship, and is finishing with a man in my bed that doesn't know I'm not even in it with him.

I just shed a tear. I think I'm feeling pathetic or sorry or something for myself. I have work in 3 hours, and I have a new haircut, and I'm gonna make this Friday work for me. Somehow, this day will be a good day. One day this week has gotta be good!

Just Keep Wondering...

Finding Me

Coming into myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've never had to be an individual. My mother picked out my clothes, then the boyfriends followed suit after her passing. I've never had to find myself because I never was alone, felt alone or lost. I felt sexy, despite looking through the mirror at myself and seeing someone who wasn't sexy enough.

This coming January 2017 will mark 4 years of me being single. I've had to recover and heal, discover and identify, learn and grow all before looking to not be single once again. Gabe was the last significant in my life and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. He left me in such shamble, in an extreme torn state, laying on the side of life wondering what the actual fuck! I wouldn't be in the knowledge of what I want if it wasn't for him, but I wouldn't be as mean, jaded, vindictive, pessimistic and hurtful either. I'm still heading in terms of going back to the person who I identify myself as. I've healed from the damage of the relationship, I'm just wondering if I'll ever heal to the cheerfully optimistic and bright guy I once was. My magic 8 ball said check back later, smh!

As of late, after several moves and miscellaneous happenings, my wardrobe is not what it used to be. I noticed that I'm in need of a dire upgrade for the fall and winter season. Hell, for next year's summer and spring season also! As mentioned before, I've always had someone help me dress. Being the single guy that I am, I have nobody to fill that position. So I've ventured out and started window shopping, trying on clothes, seeing what I like, what I don't. What fits, what doesn't. I'm in a brand new mode of discovery and I believe I'm enjoying it. I've never been one to shop much, I never really liked spending money. Plus, malls suck for parking and those check out lines are ridiculous! I'm doing this and I'm liking it. One pair of shoes, one shirt, one set of trousers… one thing at a time. Maybe a photo shoot of some outfits will be in order!

I'm changing up the hair too. Last year I grew my hair out for the winter. This year I'll do the same with a bit more style. I've got a barber stylist that will aid me in keeping me looking my best. I've already started turning heads and my gray is looking quite nice! Yup, gray hair is here and I'm not getting rid of it! I'm owning it and if others don't like it, I'm sure there's a nearby bridge.

I've swyped away another post on the phone. I'm hoping to be back more regularly for those who are following. If I'm typing to none of you, thanks to the universe for allowing my expression to take place!

Just Keep Wondering...

Been a long time...

Hey folks, it really has been a min since I've been on, didn't think it was that long but months have indeed passed by. So a quick recap is on the way, I hope I don't bore you!

There was a guy on the radar by the name Henley. We spent 2-3 months trying to get to know each other. I thought he was cool, turns out he's very selfish and self centered. Never committed, and I'm absolutely grateful for that! Dodged a bullet there.

The job has become a thorn in my side, but I can't quit. I'm starting not to really give a shit, and I couldn't care less that I feel that way. For those of you that don't know, I work for chili's as a server and the restaurant has been making changes in order to keep its doors open (personal opinion). They require more from the team members and pay us no more. Then expect us to hit performance numbers when given our best efforts we cannot ever completely control. Writing on the wall is I need a new job. Can't find one with the same flexibility and great pay, so I'm stuck!

Went camping at the woods campground and had a blast and a life defining moment with Henley. Sudden realization, I cannot be friends with my ex's, I tried, I keep trying and it doesn't work. I won't try any longer. Gabe is only around because of the oldest kid Nasir. He's 16 now and is planning on emancipation himself. So that aspect of my life may change. This Negro is talking about coming to live with me! I made him a promise that I would help in the case of emergency, wondering if this is that emergency!

Atlanta black gay pride was awesome! Can't wait, I might go back for Atlanta pride in October. This should be really fun! Meaning that I got into a car accident and I gotta head down there to plead my case! Ugh, my perfect driving record is in jeopardy because someone wants to lie! I don't like bitchass behaviour, no offense meant. Just aggy is all.

Car is showing it's ass, I love it so I'll try to hold onto it for as long as possible. I'm looking for the same model car in a newer year. As I've found my car, the Volkswagen gti. The size, features and power all in one semi affordable package, lol. The aim is a 2012 if I can't get the 2016. Time will tell.

My meds are spinning my emotions way of the grid! Depression, mood swings, nightmares, and my face is starting to break out. Not really happy about that, on several points! I'm wondering if this is what is showing this whole gray hair process along, because I'm not trying to be salt n peppa at 35! Did I mention it's falling out? Yea it's falling out too… not happy at all. I'm going to try to cope tho.

I'm a bit torn in this aspect. I'm going to be getting my ministers license within the next month. I don't consider myself living a double life nor being a hypocrite. People know my level of priority for church and my passion as well. Church people know I am very private with my personal life. I never advise someone to do something against what I would not do or what the church wouldn't smile on. Choices are choices and people make them. I've made the choice to inform the powers that be of my situation and nobody else, so there are no surprises. To the outward eye, people have opinions. With this elevation comes more spotlight. My upcoming choice will now be, to either become more closeted for religious sake or become more open for my sake.

So much has happened and there are times when I just need relief and escape, but instead I go to work and church. Awesome right? All work, prayer and no play makes fuzzy a boring dull and depressed boy!

I went shopping! Many wouldn't believe this is monumental, but indeed I am not a great shopper. I hate lines, I despise rummaging through disorganized racks searching for garbs that fit me well and look well on me. The process is tedious and not liked at all. Unfortunately, winter is around the corner and I can't avoid the fact that I'm single and will no doubtedly be going out and about as a single man. The difference between last year and now is that last year I was moving and didn't really care what was going on because life hit me with a curve ball and I needed to go into survival mode. This year, I'm established and need to look good. Need shoes, shirts, trousers, outerwear and accessories. I need a new wardrobe and I have the closet space to work with!

That's gonna be all for now, tune into next Monday for the continuation

Just Keep Wondering...

David - Chapter Closed

You all remember David from last year? You know, the guy that stole my heart and disappeared? Well I finally got to find out why! This will be quick because I'm simply over it!

So, there was this guy who I let fuck me. It was a one time thing but I forgot to relay this info to the guy. So he comes back looking for more, as they always do, and introduces a 3-sum idea. I was reluctant and ultimately said it wouldn't happen. Determined, he tries to convince me saying that I know the 3rd guy and dropped a couple hints of who it was just to peak my interest. It worked and to my surprise it was David.

Fast forward, he and the guy I had sex with are together and have been together for years. I was the 3rd wheel and that was all the info I needed to move on to the next chapter of my life... Henley...

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory Part II

In my lifetime, Ive chosen the wrong kinda friends over and over again. I'm very reluctant to choose friends and include them in my circle, especially when they've already proven to have the potential to be a problem. Rory is one of these.

Rory and I had a bit of a spat and I couldn't wrap my mind around the reason I was perplexed. It was a very simple situation of disrespect. I want to say it was due to his age, but I can't declare that it was. There's some sort of something in me that believes that it is just who he is. The ones that have proven to be there time and time again don't like him. Even the ones that I have't included in the "close friends" category didn't like him. For the listener/reader I'm sure you're wondering, "what is Fuzzy even holding on to?" I am not one to turn my back on people who helped me out once upon a time. He helped me move some things into my apartment and I feel like to disown him or to distance myself from him would be some variety of usury. 

I've come to terms that people are placed in your life for a reason and some times it's only I'll put some distance between him and I and that will give me due time to process the feelings and determine if later on he is someone who can be a part of my life.

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory

Sometimes I can't believe the kinda guys that manage to come within my circle. Let me introduce him, he's about to be freshly 25, a church boy and totes loads of inexperience. He works for the post office, seems to be in some kinda trouble there, brags about his blocked lists on social media, and has a seemingly short fuse. I'm not exactly one to put up with much inexperience when it comes to friends. Some of my friends may be  goofy, but they all know how to be on their grown man/woman and act/be the part when necessary. This guy is not well rounded and believes that people owe him something for him being himself.

Now, moving on to the dilemma, I'm not sure whether I should ditch him or whether I should just take him under my wing and teach him. I doubt I'll come back for a timely update. I will give an update when I return...

Just Keep Wondering...