Left Ways

You know, there was a point in time when I really believe that everything was going to be alright. For once in my life I really didn't believe it. I tried to believe it, but it wasn't getting through my thick skull. I couldn't see past the smoke and couldn't seem to gather myself to stand and keep it moving, until I did.

 

Since Gabe has been shot, I've taken a leave of absence to take care of him, lost out on money, tried to kill myself, doubted my self-worth more than a few times, tried a failing love again, discovered how friends really feel about me, fell behind on bills and set into a personally self-justified state of depression. I don't seek a pity party, nor do I want one. I simply wish to document how I'm feeling when I feel it.

 

The most major event was my contemplated and attempted suicide. I wasn't going to talk about it. Fear made me feel that opinions would be generated and people would look at me in a different way. At this point, on Dec 12th morning of 2014, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! During a conversation with Gabe, I was trying to shift his understanding in the view of the police in regards to the investigation of his shooting. In his words, I became a cop lover, snitch, sellout and some other word. Because of this and my comments during the conversation, he can no longer trust me, he can't live with me, and we can no longer be together. I shifted my life around to care for this man and he simply disregarded me in 10 minutes. I reached a breaking point in dealing with him and I mentally snapped! I just broke. I drove to the pier, climbed over the fence and sat on the edge of the pier ready to end it all. Frantic, in tears, devastated and unable to cope with my emotions, I inched  closer to a watery grave. My dumb ass brought my phone with me. The phone rang. Then my dumb ass answered it. Very rare for this woman to call me but she did and wanted to link up for a drink. She wouldn't take no for an answer and free drink I would never turn down! So a shot of 151 and a phone call saved my life.

 

I apologize if this sounds random, but it's coming out how it comes out. After that emotional experience, I knew I had to leave Gabe alone and move on. I started to entertain the dating scene. I met someone and was really excited. I needed to share it with someone and when I shared it with this "friend" it was drama drama drama! It boiled down to me ending the friendship. Come to find out when I found this person of interest on facebook, I saw we had a mutual friend. Someone who I thought could trust actually did me real dirty and taught me a real good lesson about trust and facebook. Trust no man, as the Bible says, and delete facebook. I solemnly vow the next time I see Jason H. I will punch the wind out of his lungs and the crooked smile off his face. That's a promise! I will not have my trust betrayed by some yellow bitch ass homo! Yea I'm upset and when I see him, and I will see him again, there's gonna be blood! I can hold a grudge for a very long time!

 

This guy that I'm interested in has weaseled his way into my life unintentionally. He held me right, we talked, laughed, and fell asleep watching the food network. There's so many things we have in common, just off one night's conversations, that leads me to believe I've found a keeper. There's issues thanks to a loose lipped yellow bitch ass nigga, but I'm hoping things iron out for the better. If not, I'll be hurt, Jason will still bleed, but I will move on. There's still hope and a good guy out there just for me, maybe.

 

I need a new job and I'm still searching. Nothing more to really say there. It's self explanatory.

 

Facebook is deleted and friends are being crossed off my list. Contacts are being deleted from my cell phone. No new friends no new friends! I'm breaking dishes and taking names! Ex-ing people outta my life. I posted a pic on my instagram, "tis the season to trim fake friends outta my life." It's the truth and I've already made up my mind, and preparing myself for a lonely 2015 year. I'm going in with few friends and don't expect to come out with any more than what I entered with. I'm tired of making friends a priority when they make me an option. I'm tired of being so very giving when I can't even get a text or phone call to say hello. One sided friendships are out the window. It's just me, my ex-boyfriend and my 2 best friends. Nobody else is in my corner.

 

The end of 2014 is here and the year is not ending on a high note. I give a special shout out to my UK buddy AW, he made me laugh something serious! It's been months since I laughed like that and it was really needed. A friend of my best friend, we chatted for a very long time and I got to express myself like I never have. For a brief moment, I really didn't have much care for all what was going on and I just talked! Thanks a bunch, I really appreciate that.

 

My health is taking a turn for the worst and, while I'm not in any significant danger, I'm about to make some life changing moves that I never wanted to make: Meds! HIV drugs suck and they mess up your system and it's a lifelong decision to make and I've delayed it for a long time. The time has come when I believe intervention is needed. Before I make that move, I've decided to try taking natural supplements to aid my cause. Proven effective in some case studies, propolis can help defeat HIV. So I bought a few bottles and giving it a try. crossing fingers and praying for an increase in my health.

 

In regards to my health, I'm choosing to stop drinking for good. I'm going back to Daniel, leaving Fuzzy behind. I can't drink and take the supplements plus sobriety would increase my health anyway. A power move but I must say I have now lost my way of falling asleep on lonely nights and when I get upset there is no longer any bottle to turn to. As of today I am 2 days sober and it's not going to be an easy battle but it is a battle that I'm going to win. I've got my mind made up and I wont turn back, I'm leaving libations alone for good!

 

I'm cancelling my sex parties. The turnouts aren't as good as I'd like them to be, money isn't what it used to be, and there are a growing number of road blocks set against advertisement. Men are a pain in the ass to deal with, especially men belonging to the LGBT community. I'm tired and after 3 years and 5 months of consistent sex parties, I can't do it anymore. I want my life, I want my weekends, I want my apartment to be mine! I don't wanna need to put my life away 2-3 days out the week anymore. December 27th is the last party and I am really excited to see it over. One chapter closes and another will begin. I wonder what it will be.

 

I've ranted long enough and still feels like I have more to say. But the hour grows late and I have a dentist appointment in the morning. So I bid you all a great holiday if I don't post anything more between now and new years day.

 

Just Keep Wondering...

Torn In Time

Gabe has been shot and I've been here every step of the way. In the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing and some punk decides to unload 5 bullets into him. I'm so furious that he's made these choices resulting in the ones closest to him being stressed be gone reasonable consideration.

During this whole exchange, I've been by his side, checking the nurse's negligence, being present in the nurse's absence, and performing the worst of the nurses' duties. I've listened to the comments and opinions of friends and family, been offended because I chose to care, and insulted because of my compassion. Its been a rough past week and it's only the beginning. I'm very lucky that Gabe is still alive and with us, I'm just concerned that this isn't the appropriate wake up call he needed. I'm hoping that he makes the necessary changes to his life to reduce or eliminate the risk of future occurrences like this.

I know Gabe is my ex, but I never lost love for him. I questioned it, tried to ignore it and even act like it didn't exist. I can say, at this point, that mission was a failure. Being around someone for such a long stretch of time, in some very personable acts, intimately private moments, lot points and high peaks, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. I'm remembering all the hurt I went through, the trying times and all! Its not the happiest moments of my life one bit. While tending for him in the hospital and recovering, I'm feeling as though this is the kinda thing you do for a lover or life partner. I'm definitely not a life partner but thought about revisiting an old relationship. There's so much love there but it doesn't go without issue.

I've been looking for my Prince Charming but unable to locate him. So many guys I've dated, seen, courted, entertained and sexed, but nothing changed how I felt about Gabe. I want a "till death do us part" type man, and realized that is Gabe! I just don't know if I can go the distance knowing that I will not completely satisfy him. I've been declared a 6 on the sex scale, he's bisexual, and the woman he shares kids with doesn't like me. I tend to be insecure when I know I can't satisfy someone and I'm not growing titties or flipping my dick inside out! I just don't know!

I never envisioned that he'd be my handsome prince, not once! He did rescue me, but he wasn't on a horse, lol! He says the sweetest things, but also so many bad things. He has my best interest at heart but sometimes is just uninterested. Def don't wanna be hurt like the last time, but having almost lost him, I don't wanna lose him again.

Just Keep Wondering...

Fish In The Sea

I'm sure you're familiar with the cliche "plenty of other fish in the sea" and well I must say, its true! As with actual fish, some fish just aren't for everybody and I discovered Mr. Richardson wasn't for me. I felt as though it would end up like this when I write the last post but I only posted my optimistic feelings. I try to remain looking at the glass half full. After all, half empty isn't helping anyone unless you plan on filling the glass up right after!

Getting to the nitty gritty, Mr. Richardson proved himself to just unreliable and untrustworthy. Between missing my birthday dinner that he said he would be at, going mia, lies about his name the simple place on where we met (my sex party) and more. It's my fault for expecting the most from someone so minor. Even a few of my coworkers I shared the complete story with said he wasn't any good. So, again, another one bites the dust.

There is a new guy on my horizon. Not saying much about it as of yet. But we have been on 3 dates and I'm feeling great! Insert cliffhanger 😀

Just Keep Wondering...

Mr. Richardson

Thursday, March 13th, I met Sheed. He came to my sex party down in Philly and we shared 3 hours of intimate non intercourse. More importantly I was intrigued because of it and I wanted a round two! I stepped out on a limb and took his info and saved my personal info in his cell phone. I hit him the next day and we started to get to know each other. We've come to discover common grounds, identified areas that could become problematic, and shared interesting facts and quirks. Getting to know someone isn't that hard, it's the finding someone who also wants to get to know you in return that most people stumble over.

A few red flags have come up in the last 2 month's and none of which haven't been ironed out. He tells me that he's focused on his business and doesn't have time to add a distraction to the mix. I agreed in the fact new relationships are a huge distraction from priorities, especially in the beginning. I'm not exactly in the best place for a new relationship myself. I'm in an unstable job, looking for a new job, living situation is shaky, and I'm financially stressed. Not a great foot to start things off with. When arrangements were being discussed, I said teamwork makes the dream work. We both have dreams, goals, aspirations and plans we'd like to see come to fruition. The response I got from him, "why are you being so nice to me?" I could only say, "because you're a nice guy!"

I get the feeling that his last lover left him or treated him poorly. When we talk, I get a very independent team of one and only one vibe. I've been there when I was doing everything in the relationship. It tears something from you. It leaves this field of emptiness with clouds of negativity raining on ones faith, hope and optimism. I must admit I'm there right now. I'm super guarded and placed a high plateau for my next possible lover to climb up to. I'm quick to dismiss men with attitude, side agendas and stuck-in-my-spot type mentalities. I don't want to waste more time and energy getting to know someone who obviously isn't traveling down the same street I'm on. I'm turning gray, growing older and need to settle into life before life settles me in! Lol

Sheed, I feel, is a good man and the cliche goes, "good men are hard to find". So when ones finds a good man, one should hold on to a good man. He said he needs a friend right and I said I'll be just that. In my head I've found a cool friend at the least or something more intimate and long-lasting at the most.  Win win for me!

MR. MILLS

I came out to Franklin Mills Mall for the last day of my birthday celebration. I tried to ignore my life for 4 days, maybe hoping to get a breather and chances to regroup. As usual, my life is going to shut. The difference is this time I did just about everything I could to make my  vision come to pass. Its not in my cards I suppose.

I came to see the Captain America Winter Soldier movie alone. I was supposed to be with friends. As usual, time and time again, I rely on people to keep their word and be the friend they said they would be. You think I would have learned from my most recent 8 birthdays that people give less  than a Fuck about me. Being me, I place meaning on their lives and I'm the one that gets the shit. Well, I'm making this statement now, so I may look back and see it on my 30th birthday, Fuck people and stay to myself!

I hate being disappointed but I feel as though I set myself up all the time. Maybe this upcoming year will be different. This year will be the setup to an outstanding 30th year. Less friends, less loneliness, less disappointment, less setbacks, more money, more smiles, more success, more achievement and an increased quality of life. I raise my imaginary glass, as I finish walking back to my car, here here to changes for 29!

Ask Me A Question...

The Fight

Things have been so touch and go these days. My mood had been so you and down and emotions so very raw. Don't really know how to explain it. I get real short with people, I always have a chip on my shoulder and more. I'm so busy with not drowning that I never paid attention to much of anything else.

One night, Gabe comes home and I'm sleep. It's a Saturday night, I just got off of work, late shift, and daylight savings time. Time just wasn't on my side! He comes in with an entourage and I'm awakened from my sleep. Not cool! I angrily tell him to leave Mr alone and to get outta my room. He's not really feeling my time of voice and I'm not feeling his presence, lol! I was a couple choice words more than I cared to be called at about 5am in the morning. So he had to go. He told me not to put my hands on him and I said there's going to be 1 of 2 ways that you're going to be leaving this room. 1 is on your own will, 2 is by my hand. He dared and I executed. He acted like he was going to hit me and I was ready for the war! I grabbed his arm and drug him out and tossed him in the couch. I sprained his arm. Now he wants to fight.

The fight is engaged and I'm in his face. He's surprised and I'm ready. Lets go. You pop this shit and I'm ready. He backs down. Retreating is a suit that looks well on him. I'm done being a bitch, punk, fat, and a nigga. That's the line right there and we shall never part ways again. I feel bad I sprained his elbow but I'm not gonna be the guy who remains in the background all his life. I woke be abused any longer. We had the fight... it was identifying!

Sex With An Ex

I always had one rule when I deal with the guys I mess with. And of my almost 11 years of dating, I've yet to break that rule. This past Friday, I had sex with an ex. Of all exes I picked, I chose Gabe.

One thing which made sharing living spaces tolerable is our tolerance for nudity. We get naked anywhere and will be naked anywhere. With no sexual intentions, we are nudists. I've always been since I was a lil boy! You could never keep any clothes on me.

I've been sick for a lil over a week and came back to Jersey for my. Drs appt. This weekend was also the kickoff to gabe's birthday week. I was watching a movie on netflix in socks and drawers smelling slightly ripe and a moment caught me in the movie. My dick got hard and well I decided to pay it some attention. Gabe walks in and sees it standing alone at attention while I was taking a break. I was in the mood and he was in the mood. Usually I would just dismiss and try to get another dick. That usually resulted in a lackluster experience and me leaving the situation to beat off to try to gain some sort of pleasure. I thought quickly I never had that problem with gabe. So I made a slick comment about my dick being a bit ashy and he came on over and got it nice.And wet for me! I kindly returned favor and well I ended up fucked at the end of it!

The problem is I want more action and he is real emotional and wants more relationship. Now my next rule after that is that I don't break up to make up. Not trying to go there but Damn, I haven't had any better dick and I've been looking for almost a year now. And now I'm horny in Philly, what's a fuzzy to do?

Just Keep Wondering...

Nameless

Not as great a time gap as before, and I've returned. The forecast calls for a 49 degree day. I love the snow but my car looks a mess! I'd wash it but the melted snow water on the roads thrown up by other's tires makes the wash useless. Anyway, some news! I'm moving to Philadelphia! I've applied to another Chili's down there and hopefully make more money. If not, round 2 plans will come into play; find another job! Why am I moving to Philly? Oh, I got accepted into Drexel University. Was that a whoop whoop in the audience? Thank you, thank you! You all are so wonderful!

 

I was going to write about a friend of mine who inspired me to write the post at all. When I shared it with him, about merely mentioning his disguised existence to the world, he went into immediate disapproval. I must admit I was a bit saddened. Never once has someone prevented me from writing about my feelings and emotions, or even experiences and tales. I told him how I write, how it kind of keeps me sharp and how it serves as therapy when I need it. At any rate, nobody I speak with anymore even knows I have a blog. I was excited about telling him about it. I was excited to have someone to tell about it! It's kind of dead now, moment has passed. I said I would send him a copy of it before I posted it and I will.

 

I met this guy at a party of mine. We shared a few intimate moments, sexual moments, but most importantly friendly moments. During the party, we talked and I became quite fond of him. After a couple of parties that past we exchanged personal contact information. We began to text. Being single I hoped for a real chance to be with this man in a more committed way. He became distant and private, I withdrew. I am not a fan of the chase if you understand. I began talking to Ike but things weren't turning out like I'd hoped. I believe it was one afternoon, maybe Sunday, Nameless and I had a conversation, in which my dealings with Ike came up. Certain information was shared and instead of closing up even the more, I embraced the honesty that came from Nameless. As time flows, the more honest we were with each other. I chose to put my romantic feelings aside and rejoice in the fact I finally have a friend I can talk to, text with and actually communicate. Nameless, in the tune from The Golden Girls, "Thank you for being a friend!"

 

Come January 3rd, a new chapter of my life will begin. New college, new apartment, new job, new state and new experiences! I'm a bit scared, I think I have the right to be! I'm taking on many new things at the same time and most of them in an unfamiliar place, Philadelphia. Again, my life will be unfolding and I'm bringing you all along for the ride. I count on the readers to be what you've always been to me, THERE!

Just Keep Wondering...

You Reminded Me...

So I was online, on one of "them" sites looking for potential guests for my party and possibly a nice dick to play around with. I came across someone and he reminded me I had a blog. I love this blog, and I would never delete it, but sometimes I get caught up in life and it's doings that I forget to let my followers and fans know I'm alive and doing well! In short, thanks for reminding me that I have an impact on my readers and I am missed.

My personal life has taken quite a twist from the normal. Normal would be me looking for a date, trying to fill my sexual desire, and thinking about the now. Instead, I've ceased my random sex acts, and yes I remember I throw a sex party 2-3 times a week! I've started career planning and job hunting. I applied to a few colleges. Looking to uproot and move to another area. Lots of things are in the works. I even stopped jerking off and got my first wet dream a while ago! Certainly, things are different in Fuzzy's world lately!

In efforts to change, I'm leaving my Ex behind. It's not working. Guys who I date he makes uncomfortable. He makes me uncomfortable when I may have general company over. He's anti social when I bring him places. He helps my party out but I believe I've lost clientele because of his rudeness and arrogance. His drug habit is out of control and I just want my own living quarters back. It's sad that equals he has to find somewhere else to live, but I need to focus on me.

I've been spiritually growing. My church has seen that and have requested me to become a minister. I'm already a deacon but my views on gays in religion have always been gray. Recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called "Fish Out of Water". It defends homosexuality to Christianity. It has actually changed my belief on many things and makes me more stable in my decision to accept the call to ministry. I've been running long enough. I have a God-given gift and It's time I make good use of it. I won't be throwing my sex party after I journey down that road. Sacrifices must be made, lol!

I'm anxiously awaiting for my acceptance to Drexel University. I've decided to go back to college and finish my education by any means necessary. I'm hoping to major in Culinary Arts and Minor in Culinary Science and graduate with a bachelors. Hopefully with Honors. The downside is that I will most likely have to move to Philly, where the campus is. The silver lining is in I will be free of my ex! What a joy! The downside is I will be in a new area, alone, trying many things new things. I'm not a fan of change as it is, and this takes the cake! I've got my head held high and I'm going forward. 28 years old and going back to college. It could be worse.

Along this journey called life, I've made a couple of new friends: Travis and We're going to call the other Roger.

Roger...

came to one of my parties and grabbed my attention from the very beginning. I liked his energy, I liked his looks, def was a sexy guy! The sex was simply phenomenal. This was last year. He comes back around the beginning of this year for a round two. I made the time for him at the end of the party but we exchanged numbers and kept in contact. Conversation through text was great. I called him and phone convo was even better. I was beginning to fall for him. Then he began to get distant. Over the 6 months (till present time from about April I think), I distanced myself in return and started dating a guy. I shared this with him and he was oddly ecstatic. He then tells me he was in a relationship and that's why he backed off. He thought I was getting too close and he was too moral to end current ties because of new ones. Understandable. Then we became close because of the established boundaries. I felt I should tell him of my status and I did fearfully. He tells me he was Poz too and there's no need to fear talking to him about anything. So, I have a new best friend!

Travis...

also came to one of my parties. He moved from Washington state and had no friends. We started hanging out, going different places and he's really cool. Lots of good times with him. We spent thanksgiving together yesterday. Lots of alcohol, food and laughs were shared. He may be moving back to Washington soon, I may be moving to Philly. We vowed to always stay in contact with each other. Good guy, that Travis!

Well, there's definitely more to come in the future. Thanks for being there for me and I'll be there for you. Until the next post...

Just Keep Wondering...