Let me explain...

I have been in talks with a few people and I have been growing because of them. I have been talking my problems out and prying my psyche open for answers. Someone once told me that if you look for answers you will eventually find them. So, I went on an expedition within myself to found out the cause and my mind's reasoning for me being me!

Before I go any further, I must say that most common email that I receive is one saying that I come down too hard on myself. I get this from strangers, acquaintances, and friends alike. I get that I don't realize how blessed I really am. I am fortunate. This and this, followed by that and that! I do understand that I may not have it as bad as the next person, but who's to say that I am next to the greatest and most prosperous? I go through things just as oft as the next person. The weight of my burdens may not be as heavy to you as it seems to me! Maybe I'm not as strong as others! Maybe I'm not as determined as others! Regardless of the reason, excuse or stipulation, I have to find my way to the top and out of my own mess. Sometimes things seem minor and we let them go unaddressed. Consequently, they form into bigger problems that effect is even the more. I believe that I am at that stage.

As I get into the root of it all, I would say that I have avoided dealing with most tragedy in my life. I avoid having to deal with confrontation, and hardships. I have this style of dealing with things, which is to not deal with them. I have acknowledged that my emotions build up rather quickly and I tend to lash out irrationally when I don't deal with them. So, more recently in my life, I have began to practice letting go of my emotions as they arise. I let things off of my chest and I move on. GREAT! However, things I have pushed aside from year 22 on back have not been addressed!

I was going to name them all, one by one, in this post. I decided to leave it to posts to follow. If I named them all, It would amount to be a book! A small one, but a book none the less!

I intend on growing from this. I'm coming into the knowledge of myself and, to be honest, not enjoying what I have found so far. It's a reality that I was blind to previously. For whatever reason, I didn't see myself for who I was. Now I'm finding myself, getting to know myself and going to try to even befriend myself.

I can't wait!

Broken!

I'm broken! I'm no superman, I need healing! I need to feel better. The hurt runs deeper than I imagined!

I'm Back!

Let me explain why I am picking this video for a particular reason. When I first started this blog, there was a song that I played over and over and over again. It played on the computer, mp3 player and pretty much anything else that I could listen to music on! It was Kirk Franklin's "Imagine Me", from his Hero album. I liked it so, it inspired the caption that is directly under the title of my blog. That's what led me to the name, "I wonder..."

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me

I thank you all for your emails of concern and care. Your thoughts extended comfort and joy my way. There was one particular email that really felt like I was getting a beatin! I mean really! I said "Ouch!" It was all good, I was planning on posting soon but I may as well do it today.

I have to throw myself, full throttle, back into blogging. They're many posts I've missed, just give me time and I will get around and re-familiarize myself with everything.

Well, this is my official return! Make room for Fuzzy!!!

I wonder... Why?

I have had this blog for quite some time now and I must admit it has become a hobby for me. ShawnQt thought a good idea to bring me into the blogging community. I have grown through the comments. I have gained inspiration through what was expressed to me. I understand people better by reading what they have to say. I was exposed to a world that was all new to me! I would have to say that this was the best gift that anyone has ever given me! Thank You! I have never thanked you before, but I thank you now!

The title "I Wonder..." seems to apply to everything about me. It is a perfect fit for me! Wonder to me means to have curiosity and doubt; to be in a state of thought. It means to be uncertain and unsure and to possibly be in a state of confusion. I have often been asked many questions and have often responded with "I don't know". I wonder! Reasoning has never been an action performed on myself by myself. I never know why when it comes to things I do. I am never simple. I am never easy.

I need to sit with myself and reason with myself. I have to do this. I have to look deep within and determine what makes me do the things I do. Whether it be good or bad. Only I can do this and only I can make this change!

I will be away from blogger for awhile. I won't be posting. I am not sure if I will even be commenting! Please don't take it personal. This is done in efforts to fill in the gaps in my life and give me some answers that are desperately needed. I am being reduced to my bare minimum and maybe farther. I will rise and return a better blogger who has his head and his life in correct perspective.

A Different Kind of Change

On this past Saturday, I had the opportunity to listen to a motivational speaker affectionately known as Principal Kafele. He spoke on how Blacks and Latinos really have no excuse on why they can't attend college. I agreed for the most part. Then he went on to speak on the many different problems we go through as a race, our downfalls and faults as well. I said to myself he is not saying anything new to me that anyone else has not already spoken. I began to say to myself, so many people talk about the problems and nobody is talking about the solution! We are all going about change in the same viewpoint and this change is not working! the problems are getting worse.

I thought about how civil rights leaders wanted a change. Some talked about the problem, and some talked about the solution. Some utilized both aspects. Together they achieved results. Today we focus on what people are doing wrong. Its plastered in the newspapers, its broadcasted on the TV and even posted on the internet. To go further, it's forwarded to our cell phones! What if we shift the focus from the faulted points to the exalted points!

We broadcast black people did this and black people did that. For viewers, that is all they are seeing! Younger minds see that this is what their race is capable of! They are conformed to what media says they are only good for and thus signing up more names to the list to be reported for bad news! What if we spoke only of the highlights? What if we shared the good things that happened and ignored the bad? Maybe not even ignore but separated the good from the bad and gave focus to the good? The vision would be good instead of tainted. Obama's vision of "Yes We Can" would be a possibility because the vision is being portrayed! There is an example to follow!

Obama sought to take the democratic seat to run for the presidential office! A black man, if you wish to call him mixed you can, went up against all kinds of opposition but had a goal in mind of winning! He financed his campaign through us! He went about it in a different way. He is being himself and believing that is what the nation needs! He stands on principal and does not conform to what people wish him to be. He dares to be different! He wants a change! He is getting results and making history all at the same time! If he is doing it, We Can Too!

Wanting a better society, wanting a change and wanting advancement of all people, not just colored people, should be our desired result! We need results. Envisioning change is what we should see. Applying change is what should be done. It is the same change that we all hope for! It is the same change we all should want! It is having a common forecasted result but going about it in a different way!

I want A Different Kind of Change!

Just Going To Free Write!

X told me that I needed to post a "real post"! Apparently my last post wasn't a real post! Its cool, I hope this one is real enough for you! lol

Let me start off with self. I realized that I have been cussing way to much. I need to curve that because I used to never cuss at all. I am going to consciously make a decision to think about what I say before I say it to decrease the amount of vulgarity proceeding from my mouth. I'm just wanting to better myself, and I believe that is what life is about, making yourself better!

Let me tell you what was bothering me. This N word (NIGGER). I want to include the derivatives of this word as well: nigga, nikka, my nig, niggaz etc.. This word has all types of history to it. Painful history that has racism attached to it. Nigger was a word that White People used to demonstrate their assumed power over Africans, African Americans and black people. They used the word when they beat them, treated them unfairly, and they let the word fly from their tongues as often as the word "the"!

Now what's bothering me is how over such a short time the once hated word by all black people has become a standard greeting! The only justification is by dropping some letters. Same sound
and can even confused for NIGGER. Its acceptable though. Your grandfather, or great grand father could of been beat being called such but you as a black person use it in everyday language like nothing is wrong with it! You tear each other down little by little every time you say it!

Can someone please tell me why you would do this? Why?

Do you use the word NIGGER or any of its derivatives? The poll is to the left, be honest!

One More Blog!

I've mentioned to some people that I was going to start a food related blog for sometime! I bounced back and forth, but it all starts with a beginning. So I had an idea for a post, so I said while I have the idea, let me create the blog!

Let's not forget about Mornin Manna either! That blog is going on. Just like in church, you either say amen or say ouch! You could come by and maybe get something that you need to hear!

I am going to be trying to do something different with it soon. Maybe you can partake in it. I'm thinking of making an online Bible topic suggestion box. You can submit topics that you want to talk about or may be a lil confused about and it can be an open forum of discussion in the comments section. What do you think?

I NEED FEEDBACK!!!

So Less Than 3 Hours Later

On Friday, the inspection lady for my complex comes to inspect the apartment. I had no clue she was coming. I was the only one here and I was overly knocked out when she knocked on the door. I let her in and she cruised the apartment. She said that some parts of the stove hadn't been well cleaned, the counter tops were dirty where my father keeps these ridiculous looking tiles, and some cabinet doors are dirty. Not much. I chalked it all up to my father not seeing it. I take it upon myself to clean it up since he wouldn't be able to see what to clean.

Now that we're all caught up to these past few moments, I can share what just happened. I came home from church and immediately begin cleaning. I wanted to do something or go somewhere this afternoon. The lady is supposed to come for reinspection on tomorrow sometime, so I needed to have everything done today. I get to the stove and find a cigarette butt and what seemed to be some of the burned remains of the actual cigarette. All burned of course, it's right next to the burner. I don't touch other peoples cigarettes. I don't buy other peoples cigarettes. I don't even transport them! It's my principles. I thought to myself, I will tell my father to remove the butt since he is the one who left it there!

Father walks in while I am on the phone with Shawn. I dismiss myself from the convo to finish cleaning and to address the issue at hand. I asked, "can you please remove the cigarette from the stove?" he replied very defensive and argued why couldn't I do it. I explained. he blew up. I remained calm. He threw in, "this is why we don't have a relationship. I been trying to build a relationship with you and It seems like you could care less!" I respond, "thats the problem right there! how long have you been trying?" Father says, "for the past 3 years!" I say, "Exactly! Thats the whole thing right there! You waited until I was 20 to start being a father to me. Every single other of your kids had your attention since birth! I got it by default when your wife died!"

He left to go upstairs. I hope I finally got through to him on how bad he fucked up! There is no second chances here. He had too many first chances and REDOs! If he wants me to like him then he is going to have to take an overly reasonable amount of effort to make it happen. PERIOD! My day goes unaltered! I handled an adult situation dealing with a relationship problem without yelling, pouting, crying, getting heavily emotional, or running to Big Brother for advice! I am proud of myself for real for real!

Now, hmmm, what now to do? Shawn is going to the city and invited me to join him. I really don't feel like traveling all the way to NY. I wonder will today make my al time daily record of 3 posts in a day? hmmm

Friends and Family Sunday

well here I am again, blogging from my phone. It's Friends and Family Sunday! Suddenly a swift wave of hand-clapping and foot-stomping sweeps through the church! Thats how we celibrate visitors in our church. On this Sunday, we serve food in efforts to fellowship with one another. I am in charge of our kitchen ministries, so I plan the food to be served and often times prepare the bulk, if not all, of the food. Today I had 4 types of chicken (curry, hot, BBQ, and fried), collard greens, rice and beans, pasta salad and lemon cake. We just had a good time after having a high time in the Lord during service.

I invited some people to service, the whole purpose of Friends and Family Sunday, and I got 5 people to dedicate themselves to coming. GREAT, right? Well, every single person that said they were coming bailed out. I knew this the night before. I was a lil depressed, while cooking the food, that I couldn't get friends or family to come out and enjoy the service with me.

I woke up and started work, getting the house of the Lord prepared for service, picking up people and more. Service started and as people walked in, I noticed everyone having a guest. I was the only one that brought nobody. I will continue on with keeping my word the best I can and being faithful to my word. Maybe those close to me will follow suit.

On a seperate, but somewhat similar note, I have decided to do something special for the ones that have looked out for me. I am planning on doing it this week. I am not mentioning what I am doing only because events must align to make this possible. I feel a need to show my appreciation, because thank you is not enough sometimes! I love you all in spite of how you love me.

I have been thinking about my last post and thought alot on how I was reacting to situations. I did somewhat over react on minor circumstances blown out of proportion. I realized we all need people and need them over different time periods of our lives. I will cherish you for what I can cherish you for. Notice I didn't say use, I said cherish! I have to learn more self control over my moods and emotions. Yes, I am moody. I have to work on that. Support is better than tearing down, let us keep that in mind!

A section from a song on my mind:


"Lead: My life was torn, beyond repair
I felt so alone, seemed no one cared
Then you came along, gave me a song
To ease the pain, and erased the shame

Chorus: He could of left, He's standing there
with no one, no one to care
He promised me, He'd be there on time
And he did just what he said!

That's when you Blessed me, That's when you blessed me!"

I don't know what the rest of my Sunday holds. Hopefully its good. My yesterday didn't end too well, I hope tonight makes up for it!

Part II Somewhere In There!

Okay, so I have been feeling a specific sort of way. I have been in and out of bad and good times. I've been on the bridge of oportunity many time and haven't crossed for whatever reason. I am my own hinderance and possibly my own stumbling block as well.

I understand that things will not do themselves and success does not fall in one's lap. At the very same time, someone ordering you to do this and that does not make one move any faster! In actuality, it makes me move slower and further unmotivates me. It is the equivalent of wanting to go to work vs the need of going to work. You get better results when you can get yourself to act on one's own desires.

My aim is to grow and go places. I need structure and a strong foundation. I want to do this right, but I don't want to be move swiftly. I need to know what I want and where I need to be. I have to know what my weaknesses are so I can recognize when I am about to be weakened, for the purpose of preventing unneeded delays and being counterproductive. All of that to say I have recognized some weakpoints, the company I keep. There are acquaintances, friends and family that contribute to mood changes in myself. Their personalities have traits, that when displayed around me (in-person, phone, internet, etc), effect me in a negative way.

I am tired of tolerating people in my immediate surroundings. I am exhausting of hosting a pity party for the indeserving. I am finally accepting the fact that I cannot accomodate everyone all of the time. I no longer wish to reserve my tongue. I don't wish to bring anybody down on my blog. So, if this fits you or offends you, you can take the exit stage left out of my life. I will Kindly say goodbye, and bid you a good life!

Been on my mind for about a week and some change now. I needed to vent that. It was dwelling and felt harbored.

As for previous situations, I have taken my car to the mechanic. I left my house to meet the mechanic as he was opening the shop. Great timing if I should say! He got out his diagnosing thingamagiggy and read the car's computer. Kermy said that my cylinders have multiple misfires. Mechanic looked at engine and listened and did his thing. He comes out from under the hood to say that the only thing I need is a tuneup! I said COOL! He quoted $240 and I was happy with that. I told him I would be back next week to have the work done (I gotta get my last paycheck, lol).

I did get my ICEE later on that night. I will add a pic later (blogger on my cell phone is very limited). It was SOOOOO good! I had a great July 4th with the family. I was in and out of moods on Saturday because of what happened to Timothy Wright and his family. I am relieved at this point that he is still alive. For those that don't know, he, along with his wife and 14 year old grandson, were hit by a drunk driver. As of know my best knowledge is that the wife died at the scene early Saturday morning; the grandson died Sunday morning.

I have been chatting with a very cool person from blogger. I have made this cool friend and we have much in common. He knows who he is, but big shout out to you! Thanks for being an ear for when I was down! :-)

Okay, I did mention that I did this post on a cell phone right? Yeah, my fingers are tired right now! Everyone have a good night/morning/afternoon/evening!