For Future Reference

Proverbs 16:9 

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

I heard this recently and the short statement put me in awe because it packs such a punch for me. I didn't have access to my notepad at the moment, so I figured that I would put it somewhere where I would be able to reference it later for all to see. Hope this puts some clear perspective in where someone is going in life and somehow provides some inspiration. 

David From The Ashes

So, last night at my party, I had one of David's closest friends come through. We met at my party years back, and re-met through David. Anyway, I tried to keep progress on David through his friend and he told me some very interesting things when I asked how he was doing. Apparently, and I myself am a bit surprised, I'm too much of a great guy and I scared him off. He feels as though he fucked up and he doesn't think I will forgive him. He has a trend of fucking up and he doesn't think I would stay around. He talks about the times we shared with this friend, I mean in great detail, asks how I am all the time and this last time told his friend to tell me hello!

Here's my thing, I'm in talks with this guy who is moving up from Virginia, codenamed Big Tig. I remember the thing I wanted with David. I should be honest and say it's the thing I want with David. Currently, he's off the scene playing scaredy cat not knowing if he came back on the scene he could have something special. In the same news I have Big Tig, who I have my eyes on that could be something special, who isn't scared. The fucked up part of it is if I build something with Tig and David grows a set and decided to step up, I'm going to have a problem on my hands. Tig hasn't played on my heart strings, David has. If Tig plays a love song on my heart strings and David becomes ready I will not know what to do. The disadvantages of playing the field!

Just Keep Wondering...

Blankie

I woke up this morning and I was wrapped around my blanket and had a moment. I thought back to all the many significant events in my life and Blankie has been there! Was there when my grandma died to catch my tears. Was there to cover me when my mother died. It was there when I needed to hit my brother when he tried that slick stuff too! Blank was there when I got those new jobs and nobody was around to celebrate! Blankie, we have danced, cried, celebrated and mourned. We are so tight like glue. We even vacation together! You've been there from the day I came out the womb. You were the first blanket that touched me in the hospital! You've been with me from the very beginning.

 

Now before you all start to get all emotional on me, Blankie is just fine! I was just thinking the only times that I gave me and Blankie some space was when I was in a relationship. Not just any relationship, but a good one. It was folded and placed nearby so I can see but far enough away to create vulnerable areas in my psyche. I was able to do that because I knew that the body I was laying with had me safe. The person I dated was there for my tears and held my hand through the hard times. If I didn't feel like you had my back like you were supposed to, subconsciously Blankie would be right there in bed with is. The horrible part was, I would hold Blankie instead of whoever else was there! Blankie is a very strong icon and holds deep meaning in my life. I will cut you if you try anything to hide or keep me from my blanket! FOR REAL!

 

I recently sent Big Tig a message saying that if you can manage to get me to fold Blankie up you've accomplished a major thing. It's only really happened twice in my 30 years. Sent him a pic of us together and he said we look cute together! Hope he has what it takes!

Just Keep Wondering...

The WOW Effect

In regards to the guy that didn't work out from my playing the field post, I felt it necessary to share a growth I noticed in myself. Ordinarily, I jump into things, relationships, tasks, friendships and pay little attention to signs of potential danger and future hardship. I notice them way later than needed and by that time I'm already at ground zero of a hot mess! Gabe used to always tell me that I lacked foresight, but I'm happy to say that I've picked some up!

 

Mr. Smith and I started talking a bit after my birthday. He is a very fun guy, playful and very sweet. Weeks after meeting and hanging out, he went away and disappeared while I took ill for a few days. I was left feeling a bit angry about the situation. After all, I felt like we were building something great and how could he just leave me sick like this? Didn't even call to check in on me! When we got back into contact we argued and I bowed when I realized we weren't together. There was no obligation for him to stay, no requirement for him to check in or any call for him to do anything! I asked myself why. I asked myself, is this guy the one? I didn't believe there was enough wow in him for me to date him. Then I discovered the "WOW" effect.

 

The WOW effect is a feeling of greatness that is on a person and in the relationship you have that makes you say "wow". I thought about Shawn, I was wowed by Shawn to be around him. I was wowed to talk with him. I was wowed when we laid together. I was wowed when I thought of him. When I woke up and he was on my mind, I even said wow! It was like we were one. Even when I was dead wrong and cheated on him he would call or text and I would stop whatever I was doing and come to him! It wasn't a loss of love that caused me to cheat, it was feelings of dissatisfaction in the bedroom that caused me to cheat. I would of never left but he broke up with me and so things go! Even after the breakup I was still having the wow in how much my heart broke when he told me to leave and things were over.

 

I asked Mr. Smith did I wow him and he said the way I think wows him. I asked him if that was all and he said a couple more things. I had to tell him that wasn't enough. If I am going to be with someone I need to be Wowed! There needs to be a mutual WOW! The bigger the wow the better the relationship in my experience. I just have to make better more compatible choices of men to date to experience a better wow!

 

I'm going to insert codename Big Tig into the scene. A southern boy is relocating to NJ and I just so happen to stumble on his profile on the 1 night he stayed over his friends place on a GPS app Jack'd when I was in an area that I normally do not visit anymore. He's named Big Tig because he really looks like Big Tigger to me! Nothing more at this time about him but just mentioning the factors of our crossing paths and having much in common, plus sharing a mutual attraction on that very small window of opportunity has me excited! WOW may be headed my direction!

Just Keep Wondering...

Playing The Field

For a while now, I've been dating several men. I'm trying to maximize my chances of finding a great guy for the time frame given. When I was in middle school, one of my teachers called this "playing the field". So, since about February I have been looking to the masses and making myself marketable for dating. In the beginning, I would only find one guy that would take interest and he would be dismissed, or i'd be dismissed, before the next one would come on the scene. I am currently getting to know 2 guys at the same time.

 

Here's the point where most would disagree with "playing the field". How can one give them both the same amount of time they deserve? How can one split their feelings and emotions? One who is in touch with what they are looking for and is open and honest with each of them can manage being in talks with multiple persons simultaneously. I tried it and it worked out. I was able to see one that worked and one that wouldn't work. That's all I'm going to say concerning the situation. I've been known to speak too soon with broadcasting my potentials. lol

 

I'm hoping to come off the field really soon. I'm getting older and I can't keep up with the youngins like I used to! I give them good sport, but now I have a good white flag to throw in the game. So, I'll pour a drink and cheer to the day when I can take a bench seat with a fellow player and enjoy the scenery!

Just Keep Wondering...

CREATED2SHABACH@GMAIL.COM OR @FUZZYCHULO IG

Trippin

tell me if I'm trippin...

The Kid started talking about long term things like houses, moving, cars, loans, etc. I included him in my Miami trip, he's excited. we cuddled and laughed together and then he disappeared!

My head is all messed up and I've had 0 contact and I'm fucking going out of my mind! I tried to fuck someone last night and get fucked a day before and both times I couldn't get him out my head. Imagining that the dick and ass were his. I was kissing the kid, and holding the kid, rubbing the kid and every time the kid wasn't there.

In the mornings I check my phone to see if he texted! I can't get him out my head and I need to know why! an I trippin or nah?

Just Keep Wondering...

Love, Lust and Loneliness

I've started this post 7 times and I can't quite figure out how to start it. I suppose this one will stick since it expresses how I actually feel; confused. I've been such an emotional person and to the outward eye, I'm emotionless. You are now my outlet and listening ear! Thanks and I'm sorry in advance...

 

There was Darius, then the Newark boy (purposely forgot his name), Mr. Richardson, Tre (the guy I never told you about because he was crazy), Andre and now David is on the scene all since I broke up with Gabe. I've been trying to find someone that is a life partner not just a few years, months or even weeks partner. Hold on, David is calling me :-)

 

Okay, so I'm all smiles and a bit of cheese! So David is this guy that hit me up on Jack'd. not really my usual type of guy that I would look for, but he's a sweetheart! He's 26, going to be 27 in scorpio season, Haitian St Lucian mix, and quite easy on the eyes! He made my night!

 

Ok, back to the story, all of these guys I've mentioned before and I've fallen in severe lust over them and gave them what I always give, myself! The kinda person I am is giving of oneself in completion. I'm honest, upfront, and very direct. Most guys can't deal with that. I assume they must be accustomed to men lying, cheating, being deceptive and mischievous. My fault point is I fall in love quickly. I can't control it, it sorta just happens. Then the next thing you know, He's never mentioned again on blogger, well not mentioned in a good way!

 

I'm going about finding a lover this time without the ruse of sex. I'm looking for qualities that I wouldn't mind spending an unknown uncounted very good many years with. I'm checking for bad habits that I don't like. I'm looking for goals and motivation. I'm searching for compatibility. Then, enter David. Comes messaging me, bothering me looking all handsome and got the nerve to like me! We have a great many things in common, cooking, movie genre's, family issues, video games, board games, alcohol (I stopped drinking then started drinking again) but the list goes on! Before I began this post, I called and texted and got no response. I was quite disturbed with him over another bout with him not answering the phone, but He's so lovable that I can't stay mad at him! Anyway, I thought when he didn't respond or answer, I'm gonna fall back for a sec. We've spent 4 of the last 5 days together and space is a great thing when you're starting something new.

 

All of that said, I'm thinking that in the past I've given and gave so much that I may have over saturated my ex potential partners or just been present so much I was just over bearing. I would notice a lack of interest and it would eventually lead to unmutual interest levels. With David, when he didn't answer, I was giving him until Friday to call me. Then he called me! Made me all giddy and stuff! Someone who wants to see how my day at work went and if I wanted to talk! I'm going to sleep a happy man... Not even going to jerk off!

 

I'm feeling less lonely, but I'm in my lust stages and I'm looking for love. It's so very difficult to see through the lust and locate the love and properly direct it to its rightful place! lol David is a cool guy and I'm hoping for the absolute best! I'm looking for a man to make my Same Love video with!

 

Just Keep Wondering...

Left Ways

You know, there was a point in time when I really believe that everything was going to be alright. For once in my life I really didn't believe it. I tried to believe it, but it wasn't getting through my thick skull. I couldn't see past the smoke and couldn't seem to gather myself to stand and keep it moving, until I did.

 

Since Gabe has been shot, I've taken a leave of absence to take care of him, lost out on money, tried to kill myself, doubted my self-worth more than a few times, tried a failing love again, discovered how friends really feel about me, fell behind on bills and set into a personally self-justified state of depression. I don't seek a pity party, nor do I want one. I simply wish to document how I'm feeling when I feel it.

 

The most major event was my contemplated and attempted suicide. I wasn't going to talk about it. Fear made me feel that opinions would be generated and people would look at me in a different way. At this point, on Dec 12th morning of 2014, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! During a conversation with Gabe, I was trying to shift his understanding in the view of the police in regards to the investigation of his shooting. In his words, I became a cop lover, snitch, sellout and some other word. Because of this and my comments during the conversation, he can no longer trust me, he can't live with me, and we can no longer be together. I shifted my life around to care for this man and he simply disregarded me in 10 minutes. I reached a breaking point in dealing with him and I mentally snapped! I just broke. I drove to the pier, climbed over the fence and sat on the edge of the pier ready to end it all. Frantic, in tears, devastated and unable to cope with my emotions, I inched  closer to a watery grave. My dumb ass brought my phone with me. The phone rang. Then my dumb ass answered it. Very rare for this woman to call me but she did and wanted to link up for a drink. She wouldn't take no for an answer and free drink I would never turn down! So a shot of 151 and a phone call saved my life.

 

I apologize if this sounds random, but it's coming out how it comes out. After that emotional experience, I knew I had to leave Gabe alone and move on. I started to entertain the dating scene. I met someone and was really excited. I needed to share it with someone and when I shared it with this "friend" it was drama drama drama! It boiled down to me ending the friendship. Come to find out when I found this person of interest on facebook, I saw we had a mutual friend. Someone who I thought could trust actually did me real dirty and taught me a real good lesson about trust and facebook. Trust no man, as the Bible says, and delete facebook. I solemnly vow the next time I see Jason H. I will punch the wind out of his lungs and the crooked smile off his face. That's a promise! I will not have my trust betrayed by some yellow bitch ass homo! Yea I'm upset and when I see him, and I will see him again, there's gonna be blood! I can hold a grudge for a very long time!

 

This guy that I'm interested in has weaseled his way into my life unintentionally. He held me right, we talked, laughed, and fell asleep watching the food network. There's so many things we have in common, just off one night's conversations, that leads me to believe I've found a keeper. There's issues thanks to a loose lipped yellow bitch ass nigga, but I'm hoping things iron out for the better. If not, I'll be hurt, Jason will still bleed, but I will move on. There's still hope and a good guy out there just for me, maybe.

 

I need a new job and I'm still searching. Nothing more to really say there. It's self explanatory.

 

Facebook is deleted and friends are being crossed off my list. Contacts are being deleted from my cell phone. No new friends no new friends! I'm breaking dishes and taking names! Ex-ing people outta my life. I posted a pic on my instagram, "tis the season to trim fake friends outta my life." It's the truth and I've already made up my mind, and preparing myself for a lonely 2015 year. I'm going in with few friends and don't expect to come out with any more than what I entered with. I'm tired of making friends a priority when they make me an option. I'm tired of being so very giving when I can't even get a text or phone call to say hello. One sided friendships are out the window. It's just me, my ex-boyfriend and my 2 best friends. Nobody else is in my corner.

 

The end of 2014 is here and the year is not ending on a high note. I give a special shout out to my UK buddy AW, he made me laugh something serious! It's been months since I laughed like that and it was really needed. A friend of my best friend, we chatted for a very long time and I got to express myself like I never have. For a brief moment, I really didn't have much care for all what was going on and I just talked! Thanks a bunch, I really appreciate that.

 

My health is taking a turn for the worst and, while I'm not in any significant danger, I'm about to make some life changing moves that I never wanted to make: Meds! HIV drugs suck and they mess up your system and it's a lifelong decision to make and I've delayed it for a long time. The time has come when I believe intervention is needed. Before I make that move, I've decided to try taking natural supplements to aid my cause. Proven effective in some case studies, propolis can help defeat HIV. So I bought a few bottles and giving it a try. crossing fingers and praying for an increase in my health.

 

In regards to my health, I'm choosing to stop drinking for good. I'm going back to Daniel, leaving Fuzzy behind. I can't drink and take the supplements plus sobriety would increase my health anyway. A power move but I must say I have now lost my way of falling asleep on lonely nights and when I get upset there is no longer any bottle to turn to. As of today I am 2 days sober and it's not going to be an easy battle but it is a battle that I'm going to win. I've got my mind made up and I wont turn back, I'm leaving libations alone for good!

 

I'm cancelling my sex parties. The turnouts aren't as good as I'd like them to be, money isn't what it used to be, and there are a growing number of road blocks set against advertisement. Men are a pain in the ass to deal with, especially men belonging to the LGBT community. I'm tired and after 3 years and 5 months of consistent sex parties, I can't do it anymore. I want my life, I want my weekends, I want my apartment to be mine! I don't wanna need to put my life away 2-3 days out the week anymore. December 27th is the last party and I am really excited to see it over. One chapter closes and another will begin. I wonder what it will be.

 

I've ranted long enough and still feels like I have more to say. But the hour grows late and I have a dentist appointment in the morning. So I bid you all a great holiday if I don't post anything more between now and new years day.

 

Just Keep Wondering...

Torn In Time

Gabe has been shot and I've been here every step of the way. In the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing and some punk decides to unload 5 bullets into him. I'm so furious that he's made these choices resulting in the ones closest to him being stressed be gone reasonable consideration.

During this whole exchange, I've been by his side, checking the nurse's negligence, being present in the nurse's absence, and performing the worst of the nurses' duties. I've listened to the comments and opinions of friends and family, been offended because I chose to care, and insulted because of my compassion. Its been a rough past week and it's only the beginning. I'm very lucky that Gabe is still alive and with us, I'm just concerned that this isn't the appropriate wake up call he needed. I'm hoping that he makes the necessary changes to his life to reduce or eliminate the risk of future occurrences like this.

I know Gabe is my ex, but I never lost love for him. I questioned it, tried to ignore it and even act like it didn't exist. I can say, at this point, that mission was a failure. Being around someone for such a long stretch of time, in some very personable acts, intimately private moments, lot points and high peaks, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again. I'm remembering all the hurt I went through, the trying times and all! Its not the happiest moments of my life one bit. While tending for him in the hospital and recovering, I'm feeling as though this is the kinda thing you do for a lover or life partner. I'm definitely not a life partner but thought about revisiting an old relationship. There's so much love there but it doesn't go without issue.

I've been looking for my Prince Charming but unable to locate him. So many guys I've dated, seen, courted, entertained and sexed, but nothing changed how I felt about Gabe. I want a "till death do us part" type man, and realized that is Gabe! I just don't know if I can go the distance knowing that I will not completely satisfy him. I've been declared a 6 on the sex scale, he's bisexual, and the woman he shares kids with doesn't like me. I tend to be insecure when I know I can't satisfy someone and I'm not growing titties or flipping my dick inside out! I just don't know!

I never envisioned that he'd be my handsome prince, not once! He did rescue me, but he wasn't on a horse, lol! He says the sweetest things, but also so many bad things. He has my best interest at heart but sometimes is just uninterested. Def don't wanna be hurt like the last time, but having almost lost him, I don't wanna lose him again.

Just Keep Wondering...