You know, there was a point in time when I really believe that everything was going to be alright. For once in my life I really didn't believe it. I tried to believe it, but it wasn't getting through my thick skull. I couldn't see past the smoke and couldn't seem to gather myself to stand and keep it moving, until I did.
Since Gabe has been shot, I've taken a leave of absence to take care of him, lost out on money, tried to kill myself, doubted my self-worth more than a few times, tried a failing love again, discovered how friends really feel about me, fell behind on bills and set into a personally self-justified state of depression. I don't seek a pity party, nor do I want one. I simply wish to document how I'm feeling when I feel it.
The most major event was my contemplated and attempted suicide. I wasn't going to talk about it. Fear made me feel that opinions would be generated and people would look at me in a different way. At this point, on Dec 12th morning of 2014, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! During a conversation with Gabe, I was trying to shift his understanding in the view of the police in regards to the investigation of his shooting. In his words, I became a cop lover, snitch, sellout and some other word. Because of this and my comments during the conversation, he can no longer trust me, he can't live with me, and we can no longer be together. I shifted my life around to care for this man and he simply disregarded me in 10 minutes. I reached a breaking point in dealing with him and I mentally snapped! I just broke. I drove to the pier, climbed over the fence and sat on the edge of the pier ready to end it all. Frantic, in tears, devastated and unable to cope with my emotions, I inched closer to a watery grave. My dumb ass brought my phone with me. The phone rang. Then my dumb ass answered it. Very rare for this woman to call me but she did and wanted to link up for a drink. She wouldn't take no for an answer and free drink I would never turn down! So a shot of 151 and a phone call saved my life.
I apologize if this sounds random, but it's coming out how it comes out. After that emotional experience, I knew I had to leave Gabe alone and move on. I started to entertain the dating scene. I met someone and was really excited. I needed to share it with someone and when I shared it with this "friend" it was drama drama drama! It boiled down to me ending the friendship. Come to find out when I found this person of interest on facebook, I saw we had a mutual friend. Someone who I thought could trust actually did me real dirty and taught me a real good lesson about trust and facebook. Trust no man, as the Bible says, and delete facebook. I solemnly vow the next time I see Jason H. I will punch the wind out of his lungs and the crooked smile off his face. That's a promise! I will not have my trust betrayed by some yellow bitch ass homo! Yea I'm upset and when I see him, and I will see him again, there's gonna be blood! I can hold a grudge for a very long time!
This guy that I'm interested in has weaseled his way into my life unintentionally. He held me right, we talked, laughed, and fell asleep watching the food network. There's so many things we have in common, just off one night's conversations, that leads me to believe I've found a keeper. There's issues thanks to a loose lipped yellow bitch ass nigga, but I'm hoping things iron out for the better. If not, I'll be hurt, Jason will still bleed, but I will move on. There's still hope and a good guy out there just for me, maybe.
I need a new job and I'm still searching. Nothing more to really say there. It's self explanatory.
Facebook is deleted and friends are being crossed off my list. Contacts are being deleted from my cell phone. No new friends no new friends! I'm breaking dishes and taking names! Ex-ing people outta my life. I posted a pic on my instagram, "tis the season to trim fake friends outta my life." It's the truth and I've already made up my mind, and preparing myself for a lonely 2015 year. I'm going in with few friends and don't expect to come out with any more than what I entered with. I'm tired of making friends a priority when they make me an option. I'm tired of being so very giving when I can't even get a text or phone call to say hello. One sided friendships are out the window. It's just me, my ex-boyfriend and my 2 best friends. Nobody else is in my corner.
The end of 2014 is here and the year is not ending on a high note. I give a special shout out to my UK buddy AW, he made me laugh something serious! It's been months since I laughed like that and it was really needed. A friend of my best friend, we chatted for a very long time and I got to express myself like I never have. For a brief moment, I really didn't have much care for all what was going on and I just talked! Thanks a bunch, I really appreciate that.
My health is taking a turn for the worst and, while I'm not in any significant danger, I'm about to make some life changing moves that I never wanted to make: Meds! HIV drugs suck and they mess up your system and it's a lifelong decision to make and I've delayed it for a long time. The time has come when I believe intervention is needed. Before I make that move, I've decided to try taking natural supplements to aid my cause. Proven effective in some case studies, propolis can help defeat HIV. So I bought a few bottles and giving it a try. crossing fingers and praying for an increase in my health.
In regards to my health, I'm choosing to stop drinking for good. I'm going back to Daniel, leaving Fuzzy behind. I can't drink and take the supplements plus sobriety would increase my health anyway. A power move but I must say I have now lost my way of falling asleep on lonely nights and when I get upset there is no longer any bottle to turn to. As of today I am 2 days sober and it's not going to be an easy battle but it is a battle that I'm going to win. I've got my mind made up and I wont turn back, I'm leaving libations alone for good!
I'm cancelling my sex parties. The turnouts aren't as good as I'd like them to be, money isn't what it used to be, and there are a growing number of road blocks set against advertisement. Men are a pain in the ass to deal with, especially men belonging to the LGBT community. I'm tired and after 3 years and 5 months of consistent sex parties, I can't do it anymore. I want my life, I want my weekends, I want my apartment to be mine! I don't wanna need to put my life away 2-3 days out the week anymore. December 27th is the last party and I am really excited to see it over. One chapter closes and another will begin. I wonder what it will be.
I've ranted long enough and still feels like I have more to say. But the hour grows late and I have a dentist appointment in the morning. So I bid you all a great holiday if I don't post anything more between now and new years day.
Just Keep Wondering...
