Maybe A Getaway

Thinkin about taking a trip down to DC/Baltimore. I was gonna go to ATL but funds ran short so I'm gonna stay a lil more local, lol. My memory is a lil fuzzy, so lemme know who's in that area so I know who to visit!

Just Keep Wondering...

I'm Coming Back...

I've taken this absence because I felt that I needed to re-evaluate certain things about my life. My direction, path, personal foundation, mind, friends, associates, confidants, my enemies and masqueraders needed to be checked up on! I have heard, and even spoken, about the life of relationships. Sometimes they are temporary. Sometimes they are meant to last a lifetime. Sometimes relationships are formed into things they should of never turned into. Friends should of been left as acquaintances. Acquaintances should of been made friends. On some occasions, you should of never been associated with select individuals because they have nothing but pain, suffering, heartache, misfortune and unfortunate events into your life. I made some decisions and I'm content in these decisions. Whenever you decide to read this post, this is when my life is set on correct course once again.

I couldn't just stay away from blogging so I had to write something, even if I didn't post it right away! This was written on 10/20/2009

Just Keep Wondering...

October 23, 2005

Rolling through my mind wishing I could call and say was sup
Remembering how we used to talk about the same ol stuff
Layin on the bed while you combed my hair watching Fresh Prince
I’ll never forget with every stroke you gave me so much bliss.
Taking in the days you slaved over the stove for the family
You set the perfect example now I can plainly see
You did to do, not for you, but for me
Every time you did you wore a smile filled with glee
Ma, I’m sayin you just don’t know the half
You tore my heart down on that October 23rd when you passed
What I would give to take a ride to nowhere with you
The things I would do just to hear one word from you
The depths I would go to have one more sight of you
Its been for years I’ve been broken living without you
You just don’t know how much I long to have one more touch from you

I can’t believe you’re gone
A reality I find it difficult to take
Only for years but it feels like a lifetime
Since I woke up and found you by my side
You woke me up for work and school
Made me a hot breakfast everyday which was cool
Even had something for lunch for me to make
I turned around and you had dinner already made
You stayed up for me late at night
Making sure your baby made it in alright
You did your best to take care of me
Now I have try to be the man you taught me to be
I gotta do it alone because you left me

Just like R Kelly sang in his song,:
“I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you, be with you somehow
I know you’re in a better place
Even though I can’t see your face
I know your smiling down on me saying everything’s okay”

Its so hard to move on, but step after step I move
I move knowing that I’ll see you again someday

Momma I miss you…

Just Keep Wondering...

Afternoon Rendition

I'm just feeling a sorta way right now. I could describe it as heavy, used abused, alone, misunderstood, and maybe even unloved. I think it was yesterday that I was talking with someone about how things used to be. How I used to hang out with the crew and it be nondrama entertainment. There was inclusion, recreation and love enough to share with our sourroundings. Now to get a speck of concern for the other is like pulling teeth. To get a phone call saying whats good, how are you is so far uncommon. Exclusion entered into the circle. Feelings are being harbored and not expressed. My friends are not the friends they were when I met them. They aren't better, they are worse!

I'm hurt because I have felt blah for quite some time now. The people I have adopted as my family have turned knifes at each other or me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect. Who is? I will say that I've been wanting to have a conversation with someone for the longest and there are only 1.5 people that have been there for me. I've been fighting the urge to pop a bottle of something strong and drink my pain, hurt and lonliness away. I've been wanting to get that phone call saying fuzzy I wanna come over and chill. I been waitin for a text reading lets go out somewhere and have fun. I call and call people and I've realized that people have their own lives and i need to find my own and stop trying to make my place in other people's lives.

I hate to admit it but i feel as though I'm losing friend after friend to foolishness and stupidity. I am tired of being the glue that mends people together after a falling out. I'm tired of being the bigger one to apologize when i wasn't wrong. I'm tired of being the one to try to organize stuff and see slow feet move. I'm just fuckin tired. I'm fuckin tired of feelin like shit. I'm fuckin tired of hearing about everyone's exciting weekend, and on occassion weeknight! I'm tired as shit of being overlooked and being a second thought. I'm tired of being the strong one and never expected to have a break down. I'm tired of crying these tears that run so freely down my face and not having nobody ask me why or show any damn concern.

Don't expect me to wonder about anything anytime soon!

Sex Crossroads and Negotiation

Thanks Gaytekeeper, I thought this was a great post and I give all the credit to him! Check him out at thegayte-keeper.blogspot.com/.

Dr. Weston Edwards wrote this INTERESTING article and I thought it would be nice to share it with you guys…One of the most difficult tasks in any relationship is being able to comfortably talk about sex with our partners. The issues can range from simply how often and what to do to whether or not the relationship should be open, monogamous or some variation thereof. The main goal is to be open AND honest about what you want so that you BOTH can be happy @ the end of the day. So THE key component of sexual health is a similarity between your values and your behaviors. As you think about sex with your partner, there are a few things you should make sure that you are doing and they are:

1. TELL HIM – Have you communicated what you like and don’t like with your partner? Too many times I’ve run into couples saying to one another “I didn’t know that.” For any number of reasons (shame, self-esteem, fear of being judged, not wanting to upset their partner), clients won’t talk about their likes and dislikes. Now is not the time to be bashful.
2. ASK HIM– Once you know what you like, do you know what your partner likes and dislikes? It's important not only to know what but why he or she has these interests. For example, I worked with a couple where one guy wouldn’t bottom because it physically hurt. It turned out the pain was due to anal warts, and once those were addressed, the problem went away.
3. LEARN – Don't be shy if you don't know how to do something. Whether you're a top or a bottom, you need to learn some basics regarding foreplay, stretching the sphincter muscle, proper clean up and so on.
   
4. GET HELP – If after going through the first 3 steps you find you are still having problems, you may want to seek some outside help. This doesn't necessarily mean therapy or counseling, although professional help is a very good option for more challenging problems. Try having a frank, "out of the box" conversation in which you look at creative outlets and avenues to get your sexual needs met. These could include talking to your spiritual adviser, attending a body electric or similar sexuality workshop, or reading "The Joy of Gay Sex." Each of these interventions might be helpful in breaking the log jam in your relationship.
5. PRIORITIZING – Some relationships are not focused on sex because they are rich in other ways, such as shared values or emotional connections. Consider the importance of your sexual request. Are you willing to live without it? In looking at the whole picture you might have to agree not to engage in the behavior. This is often the case in 'kinkier' types of sexual behavior. If you absolutely are unwilling to live without the type of sexual behavior, consider the next two ideas.
6. SUBSTITUTING – If your need or desire is important enough that you choose to not live without it, you and your partner need to negotiate an alternative way to get your sexual needs met. This can be difficult and elicit significant fear, jealousy and raise other issues. It may or may not require changes in the type of your relationship. For example, if your partner loves BDSM and you don't, would you be comfortable if your partner visited these kinds of websites in order for him to chat with others so he can indulge in the fantasy? Or, if you are both "bottoms" you may have to incorporate "toys" into the relationship.
7. TRANSITIONING – In my experience, ongoing and significant issues regarding sex can be symptoms of underlying problems with the relationship. While no one likes to hear it, the failure to arrive at a solution might suggest the relationship may not be a healthy one. A hard and honest look at your relationship may reveal it isn't healthy and may need to end. An example of behavior in an unhealthy relationship might include saying things like “Yes I’ll do it” but never intending to follow through. Or constantly trying to persuade your partner to engage in a behavior is also manipulation and not a healthy sign. If you are both stuck in this area and don't see a solution, seeking outside professional help may be the best and possibly the last option for you.

Sexual satisfaction is a major component of overall relationship satisfaction. Research has repeatedly stressed overall health is connected to relationship satisfaction. If you continue to struggle in this area, I strongly recommend seeking additional help from a qualified professional.

Just Keep Wondering...

Fad or Trend? Temp or Perm?

I think I'm feeling some sorta way right now. I feel as though Myspace, Facebook, twitter and tagged are taking the spotlight from blogger. Some people feel as though they tweet so they don't need to blog. Some people are on Facebook all of the time, relentlessly pouring their time into the site. I came onto blogger because of the many readers that would come by and comment and the interesting stories I would come across. It's almost like the audience has moved into a better neighborhood and left blogger the only house on the block!

I'm not keen to Twitter because it's everyone talking about everything all at one time. You can't really follow what a person is saying because of all the distractions. Its about who all is following you and you don't even know half of the people on your following list! Whats the freakin point? Facebook, ohhh Facebook... You can post a variety of different things and its easy to follow someone, however everyone and their mommas momma can see what you doing, what you're typing and will know all of ya business. I don't like that. you gotta worry about how you write certain things, who you write them about etc... I just prefer not to! Myspace is still hot i suppose. The hype has somewhat gone away but it seems like people are still on it like fried chicken at a black church function! You know there is friend chicken at every church dinner! Think about it!

I'm wondering if the Facebook and Twitter fad will into a trend and stick around for years and dominate the social block. I need blogger! *sheds a tear*

Just Keep Wondering...

You Know What Grinds My Gears?

Straight to the point, I log onto my profile to get some info on a club. You know the one I froze? The BGC one... lol. I see my messages are stacked up, as I've left them. I go through the messages and I see a familiar face and he asks when I wanted to chill again. I cooked for him and watched movies and played video games and it ended hot and steamy. He dipped off doin whatever his life called for. I called and messages all for like 2 days. I stopped. i called like a week later and I got "dis is wong numba" from someone lady on the other end. She prolly was one of those ladies with a wonton that sees life in wide screen! I hung up and here is this message left more thank 2 months after the fact and he wants to chill. I told him "when you act like you wanna chill we can chill, you got the number!" He called me mean and I told him if you wanted to see me I woulda seen you already. Have a nice life. He asked for my number right before I was about to log off. He said he changed phones and it didn't come over. Does he think I am some stewpit bitch? If you indeed got a new phone (if its not a G1 blackberry or sidekick), and didn't delete my number like I am assuming you did, those phone numbers aren't going to magically appear in your new phone. you have to place them in there! I wasn't born yesterday! Dammit, I was born last week!

Twin and I are having a conversation on the phone about the word "texted" and "texting". (I feel my stomach turning) When in hell did the powers that be that rule over the currently well influenced Americanized version of the English language add these words to the dictionary? I remember I was having a heated discussion with my students about this and used many online dictionaries for reinforcement to prove that these are improper words. I checked on this past Saturday and guess what the hell I found in the G@* D@m& dictionary? These good for nothing peoples that be saw it fit to add these ridiculous words to our language! You are giving a half illiterate generation excuses for terrible vernacular! I just don't get it. No, I mean I really don't get it! I'm not accepting the change, that's all there is to it!

This has been my piece for Sunday. Off to do more cleaning and eventually head over to a brunch or something. I might see Eric today, idk. I'm at that part where the infatuation is fading and the newness is leaving. Now I am dealing with what i see before me in clear judgement. We'll see how things go. By the way, when I did spell check of this post, can you guess which two words were highlighted? I'll give you a clue, it starts with a "T"!

Just Keep Wondering...

Memory Lane

It was a spring day during my junior year in high school. I did my thing selling my brownies and my soda, as well as other convenience items. It seemed like having an entrepreneurial mind was catching on in my class. There were a few students that were trying to compete with me, selling various other items. This one student in particular was selling porn. I found out by a friend of mine that was talking about different scenes in the privacy of a couple of his friends. I was curious so I went to buy one to see what it was all about. The guy that was selling it happened to be an associate of mine. I picked one up from him, straight of course, and watched it. I was like okay, whatever. He asked me how it was. I replied the same. Shocked, he asked what was wrong with it. I told him there was too many solo shots with only females. He laughed and said, "Whatever man, are you gay or something?" I looked at him in a blank quiet stare. He returned a confused look. He told me iight. We walked off with the convo left unsettled.

The next day, he made his way to me and gave me a black bag and asked me for $15. I looked in the back and there was a VHS with two black dudes naked with their dicks hard and curved and shiny. One was on his knees with one hand on his nipple and the other standing facing him with one of his hands on the other's head. I gave him the money and anticipated school ending so I could watch it. I mean I couldn't have walked home fast enough from school that day.

I get home. I popped the VHS into my parents bedroom tv and sat on their bed. I was probably hard and leaking from the moment that period 9 bell rang dismissing school. I sat there on the bed and began to watch. My dick was jumping and throbbing all in my briefs. I couldn't control it and I wasn't even past the opening credits. I took my dick out and gave it some air. The first scene was two men, muscled down easing their way into a 69. On the edge of the bed I sat and stared at the tv, heart racing. I took a hold of my dick and loosely gripped it and began to stroke. It only took about 10 seconds of my personal stimulation to reach an out of this world climax. It ran clear and thin down the side of my dick and hand and dripped on my leg. I rushed to the bathroom before it would rush from my leg onto my mom's black comforter. I cleaned up with a wet washcloth and returned quickly. The scene has escalated into one guy eating the other's ass out. Dick still hard, heart still racing, interest still thirsty I kept watching. Only minutes later, I was grabbing my dick once again. The throbbing was like I never felt before. I jacked. Without much more time elapsing, there were more cum falls. Gush, it flowed down my dick like a slow running bathroom faucet. It was more than the first. Tears of passion fell from my right eye. I heard the door shut!

I shout, "Hello!"I was about to get caught with my pants down, lol! Literally! It was my brother coming in and out. I heard his steps leaving the house, going down the porch stairs. I then went to clean up the round 2 nut and made my way back into the bedroom. My dick is entering that semi hard stage. I'm still feelin the video and my heart was still racing. Eager minded, I kept watching to see what was next. One guy threw a condom to the other and he slid it on. Naively I wondered why? There wasn't a whole for the dick on a guy. He squirted this clear liquid on this guys ass and began to press and force his dick in his hole. I thought "ewww", but looked down and dick was brick hard and jumping once again. My body responded to my mind and what my eyes seen, and it was liking it! Without much hesitation, and little time wasted his whole dick was inside of his hole. I touched my dick and with one stroke I grunted and moaned slightly and was hit in the face. What in the hell? I squirted up to my chin with a few drops of tastiness on my chest and stomach. I was living. I left it there and kept jerking while they were fucking on screen. The top got louder and more aggressive and pulled out and busted a white nut in the crack of his ass as I busted my last nut. As I busted, it felt like my back was stretched and the energy was being taken from my body. I shook. Again, I teared. I fell back and laid there, dick in hand.

I sat up and tried to gain some type of strength. I took the tape out, cleaned up and retreated to my room. I laid there, in my bed, curled up, shirtless and tired. Thinking about the last twenty minutes and how I busted 4 nuts. Off of one scene on the VHS porn I would watch everyday for the rest of that school year.

Looking back, those were probably the best nuts I've ever experienced. Then started my addiction to masturbation and porn. I was freshly 17 years old...

Just Keep Wondering...

A Long Walk

I came home from Eric's house this morning, about an 2 hours ago. I put my rent in the mail and decided that I was hungry. I was in a good mood. I was feeling limber. I chose to walk to the store to get some milk. I didn't choose to walk to the store 6 blocks from my house, I chose to walk to the store that was close to Twin's house, about 2 miles away. (lemme google the distance... 2.1 miles) It was a brisk walk to say the least. It was me, the streets and the sound of passing cars and tardy students.

I was told that boredom is needed so one can think on themselves. I can say that I wasn't bored but, since there was nothing else to do, I did begin to think on myself. Thought about Eric, my career, my skills, my jobs, my life status, current desires, what kind of cereal I was going to eat when I got home, and how much longer it would be till I got to this stupid store! I realize that I'm in a standstill right now and I'm not making progression. I'm receiving assistance for finance, but I don't want to have to clutch onto that assistance forever. I see people use and abuse the system and create reasons and excuses for their laziness. I wish to accept the help while I need it, get myself together, and do better for myself.

Last Thursday, after my run/walk, Eric drove me through his old neighborhood, the forest hill section of Newark. He showed me his house he used to live in before he decided to move back home to aid his recently deceased mother. I saw all of these huge houses. Hell, they're big enough that I could call them estates! I had never been up there in those parts. While I was in his truck, I began to dream. Dream of what life would be like for me one day when I get dealt the right hand and I play the cards perfectly. Dream of having that house, with the car, the job and a mate/lover. I got starry eyed, I admit. I was never one for a dream. I just wanted to make it. I just wanted to live. So, as I walked I pondered these things. I thought on what I could do to advance myself. I contemplated what my first step would be towards self improvement. I decided that I needed to tighten up all my loose ends: school, living situations, and transportation. All of these are somewhat shaky. They remain unfinished or I'm not satisfied with the status of them. I need to finish school. I need a better apartment, that I will be satisfied with. I need a car that I don't have to worry about a light coming on in the dashboard every time I get in it! Finishing these loose ends will enable me to concentrate on more important things like my career and long term goals. Life is just too short for me to sit around doing nothing.

I get back home. I sit with a melancholy feeling. I poured the Honey Nut Cheerios and my 2% milk and sat in front of the screen to type to you. Yeah, the Cheerios are good; the walk was better! Gonna finish up here, send my Mornin Manna text out and take a lil nap. Finish cleaning and see what my evening has in store for me.

Just Keep Wondering...

A New Look

MorninManna.blogspot.com