I'm just feeling a sorta way right now. I could describe it as heavy, used abused, alone, misunderstood, and maybe even unloved. I think it was yesterday that I was talking with someone about how things used to be. How I used to hang out with the crew and it be nondrama entertainment. There was inclusion, recreation and love enough to share with our sourroundings. Now to get a speck of concern for the other is like pulling teeth. To get a phone call saying whats good, how are you is so far uncommon. Exclusion entered into the circle. Feelings are being harbored and not expressed. My friends are not the friends they were when I met them. They aren't better, they are worse!
I'm hurt because I have felt blah for quite some time now. The people I have adopted as my family have turned knifes at each other or me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect. Who is? I will say that I've been wanting to have a conversation with someone for the longest and there are only 1.5 people that have been there for me. I've been fighting the urge to pop a bottle of something strong and drink my pain, hurt and lonliness away. I've been wanting to get that phone call saying fuzzy I wanna come over and chill. I been waitin for a text reading lets go out somewhere and have fun. I call and call people and I've realized that people have their own lives and i need to find my own and stop trying to make my place in other people's lives.
I hate to admit it but i feel as though I'm losing friend after friend to foolishness and stupidity. I am tired of being the glue that mends people together after a falling out. I'm tired of being the bigger one to apologize when i wasn't wrong. I'm tired of being the one to try to organize stuff and see slow feet move. I'm just fuckin tired. I'm fuckin tired of feelin like shit. I'm fuckin tired of hearing about everyone's exciting weekend, and on occassion weeknight! I'm tired as shit of being overlooked and being a second thought. I'm tired of being the strong one and never expected to have a break down. I'm tired of crying these tears that run so freely down my face and not having nobody ask me why or show any damn concern.
Don't expect me to wonder about anything anytime soon!
I'm hurt because I have felt blah for quite some time now. The people I have adopted as my family have turned knifes at each other or me. I'm not going to say I'm perfect. Who is? I will say that I've been wanting to have a conversation with someone for the longest and there are only 1.5 people that have been there for me. I've been fighting the urge to pop a bottle of something strong and drink my pain, hurt and lonliness away. I've been wanting to get that phone call saying fuzzy I wanna come over and chill. I been waitin for a text reading lets go out somewhere and have fun. I call and call people and I've realized that people have their own lives and i need to find my own and stop trying to make my place in other people's lives.
I hate to admit it but i feel as though I'm losing friend after friend to foolishness and stupidity. I am tired of being the glue that mends people together after a falling out. I'm tired of being the bigger one to apologize when i wasn't wrong. I'm tired of being the one to try to organize stuff and see slow feet move. I'm just fuckin tired. I'm fuckin tired of feelin like shit. I'm fuckin tired of hearing about everyone's exciting weekend, and on occassion weeknight! I'm tired as shit of being overlooked and being a second thought. I'm tired of being the strong one and never expected to have a break down. I'm tired of crying these tears that run so freely down my face and not having nobody ask me why or show any damn concern.
Don't expect me to wonder about anything anytime soon!
4 thoughts:
Oh my...That was deep. I felt that way down here in ATL. Please remember that you have a friend in me, a friend indeed. Just open up to me.
I'm curious, no pun, but does writing about yourself make anything better? Does being able to put your thoughts down help ease the pain or share the joy that you have? Or do you feel like you're just shouting into the wind, where the words are coming out of your mouth but no one can here you?
First I want you to know that I love you. We have spent a great deal of time together, and there was a time where we both knew each other the best. So when I read your blog, I sometimes do feel your pain.
As you know, we both have different lives even though we try to both be there for each other. On top of that we do share a friend circle.
I have felt what you have felt, I have bumped heads with people, and felt the distance as well. But you and I know that it comes and goes, and the cycle of friendship will always be. Why? Things change. People change.
Here is some food for thought. Why are people not as cool as we used to?
Unhappiness.
No one is going to show or give happiness when they are either not happy with themselves, or happy with the friendship. Peoples actions play a strong part in how one associates with you. The same for your connection with others.
I have come to realize that in my life I need to be around like minded indivduals that are about being postive, being creative and not being "shady" all the time.
In the gay culture we have become used to "shade" and "coming for one another" and after awhile, one joke will turn into a serious situation that creates more unhappiness. The recession has really effected people, you know it's winter, so people are trying to find there boo, and sexual antics are only going to go but so far...
Now it's time to find new friends! It's nothing wrong with staying with friends you find as family, but new experiences will open your mind to new ways of connectig with people.
I know the good person deep down fuzzy and the exterior personas you give off. Now is the time to stop wondering who you are and start being who you wantto be!
Man if you don't get out of that Blue Funk you betta! Seriously I can relate to what you are feeling these days when it comes to friends and friendships. Fuzzy friendship is tough work if you can get it, maintaining friends means accepting their shortcomings and facing up to your own shortcomings. ShawnQT made a good point in his statement, especially about shade and the gay man.
Fuzzy you are not alone, if at anytime you need someone to talk to "I'm just a phone call away. Thaddeus has offered you his friendship as well. Hey man we all have come to love us some Fuzzy.
I'm certain that all will be well, allow yourself some time. For heaven sakes no turning to the hundred proof for a pain reliever, instead find something creative to do with yourself. Keep in mind that if the people you can friends are really friends they will always be your friends.
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