I Think I'm Human!

I have been single for maybe two months now. I don't know exactly when, but I know it happened in May. Ever since then I have been less than proud of my actions. I haven't exactly been a one man guy, broadly speaking! I could try to blame it on all this free time that I have, but I could blame myself. I could blame it on the heat, but I could always bring the blame back to me. I can blame it on the internet, but I'm the one that's using the internet so It would still be my fault. Yeah, its been fun, can't say it hasn't! My goodness, much fun! I've done some explorations and have discovered more about myself, sexually speaking, and I think to know one's self in the sexual is only coming more into one's own identity. As this short time period passed by, I grew more and more blah to the whole spontaneous/repetitive/random sex. I had to admit this to myself, and I'm glad I did so before someone else told me. The next thing to do is create a solution to the problem. I think I will be more reserved and more selective.

Something else happened. I went to Dave & Dante's place for Dante's 21st Birthday Party. It was cute and I enjoyed myself. I was more engaging than I thought I would be. I mean, I was around all new people and I would usually sit there and listen to all of the conversation and comment when I was directly questioned or included. I wanted to be engaging and not the Fuzzy that would be quiet and in the back ground! At the end of the party, we played a game of strip uno, that amazingly was kept very simple. (I think my game of strip uno was way better) Everybody knows the reason my nickname is Fuzzy is because I'm hairy! Yea, I got comments on it, some that I dismissed and some that were acceptable. Water off my back, lol! However when the shirt came off, someone made a comment on my "4 pack"! I was hurt... This was the point where I make up my mind to get my body right! I've had a 6-pack since I've been in the 10th grade. granted that was about 8 or 9 years ago but I mean really? A 4 pack? My mind sunk into a brief mind depression! My body is walking away, I gotta go catch it! The first pic was about 1 year and change ago, the next pic was taken minutes ago. I feel so bad now!



The next day, Dave fixed my breaks, and pointed out a few things on my car that needed attention. I just wanna take the time out to tell him specifically, THANK YOU! I'm not mechanically inclined and every time I have an issue with my car I call him up and he gives me answers. He does the light and sometimes medium maintenance on the car too! Again, Thank you! Afterwards, we meet up at his house and well lay around in the air condition all day. It was kind of hot and I have an attic apartment and I didn't feel like being a human rotisserie! So, I was there on the couch, laying down, just observing Dave and Dante's interactions. My mind drifted back to when I was with Shawn. How we used to be like them: loving, playful, in love! I missed it!

Not so far in the past, just this morning as a matter of fact, I told someone I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't want to be tied down. I didn't want to have to answer to them. I didn't want to deal with the finance that goes along with being in a relationship. I didn't want to further divide my time to include my relationship. Right now isn't for me. I got a flashback to how happy I was and I gotta say that I'm not so sure anymore! I'm used to having a million and one things going on at one time. What's one more thing? There's so much to consider before I begin to slowly ease myself into another relationship. I wont rush, nor will I be rushed into a relationship. There will be guidelines set. There will not be a meet and 2 days later I got a ring on it! Not gonna fly like that anymore! I guess, like everyone, I want to be loved and I want someone to love!

Do you remember the blogger crush I had? Well I finally told her who I was! She was surprised, and her reaction was a favorable one. Maybe this newly found confidence will help me out in the future! Maybe she can help me!

TRUST!

How do you trust someone you just met? How can you not trust someone you just met? Should you even trust anyone?

I wanted to do a lil discussion and didn't know what to talk about. Someone suggested, after I asked BGC users to give me a topic, that I should speak on trust.

Me personally I am guarded. I have always been guarded when it comes to my emotions and now I might even go as far and say that I am being a lil more physically guarded. My crazy kook of an aunt used to say, "baby, if you give up ya stuff, one of two things will happen. They'll want you tha more or they not gonna want you at all!" I thought on that a lil late, but what she said holds so much truth. Wait, did I stray off topic? lmao I can't trust people enough to predict what they will do. People are shifty and unpredictable creatures. We change our minds so often, we prove this to ourselves everyday!

I never posted my status online because I was afraid of what people might say to me. I have friends on here that don't know and I have family on here that doesn't know as well! There comes a time where trust shouldn't matter anyway. I feel that the only two beings that should own your trust is God and your life partner! People will fail you, time and time again, God doesn't fail! That's why God is in there. Your life partner is there because they are there through the thick and the thin, or at least that is what they are supposed to do! *shrug*! lmao

Let me put on my neutrality here. Assuming I was going to trust someone, personally you would have my trust from the door. You're not gonna have me doing dumb and idiotic things, because I have common sense! You do have my trust that will build into a deeper trust. You get that access to my phone, email etc... you know all that contact info. you get to know personal details of my life from least sever to most severe, depending on importance. Most of my friends, all 5 of them know that I got their backs in whatever issue they have and they know they have confidentiality with me. I don't spread info and I'm not a gossip! You gotta know when to shut ya trap! There are some guys that are worse gossipers than girls are. I'm not being sexist, but the girls know they can tell some good drama! My Lawd! Sometimes, just shut up and stop taking glory in other people's misfortunes and maybe someone might decide to trust you!

If trust is broken, it's not the end of the world, because guess what? We're not perfect! We all make mistakes and we all grow from them. I can speak on me because that's all who I can speak on! Let he without sin cast the first stone right? lol anyway, I lost one of my closest friends in high school. One that I grew up with, went to church with and played with as a child. We even shared classes in High School. I let some things fall out of my mouth, not productive things. It was just my opinion, that I should of kept to myself. The gossipers got wind of what I said and it came back to my my friend and he stopped talking to me. Cold turkey, and abruptly stopped speaking to me an every social setting and environment. I found out why from a message in a note basically severing our friendship. I was hurt. I vowed from then on, I'd watch my lip the best I could. Life is about bettering yourself. If someone messes up, yea go cry your river, or whatever you're gonna do, and then offer a solution to rectify the situation! Don't be bitter, it's not healthy! Forgive and forget!

Well I think I've typed enough, I wonder what people gotta say about this! lol

lately...

Hey y'all! So I have been a lil MIA, but for good reason. Summer is here and I am spreading my wings. I said I was gonna get away and I've made my way to North Carolina. "Nobody not really" and I shared the weekend together. He didn't believe I was coming down, but he made his way up here to grace Jerzee with his pressence, so I had to go show my face! Besides he's moving farther south and I didn't wanna drive any farther than I had to! *shrug* don't judge me! Him, his friends and I chilled the majority of the weekend, NNR and I did the shopping thing and we frequented the fast food places like Sonic, Bojangles, Waffle House, Sheets that are advertised and nowhere to be found in NJ. I loved every moment. Although Waffle House can stay down south, all that damn butter made me gain weight in that 1 sitting. That's not good for business, ya know? Oh, as an added bonus, I got to meet 2 other bloggers, noneother than Ladynay and Lamar Perez. Lamar is a hoot and a holla and ladynay, I just love her! I have made some more blogger peoples that I can call ever so cool! I posted some pics of my trip. Not that many, but I think its enough!

Now that my lil getaway is said and done, let's get a lil up close and personal. I have been seeing someone and feelin them sexually. However, it has been only about 3 weeks and he wants to hold me down for real! *flashback* hmmm remembers a situation where I entered a relationship when I wasnt ready and it didn't end up so favorably. I told him no and yet he says he is gonna wait for me to be ready. I'm not liking the idea that he's waiting me. Now do I wanna give in and be wifed up, nah mean? I'm gonna put ma foot down with this one and hope feelings don't get hurt...

In other news, I haven't been bottoming much lately! Of the 3 guys I have been in constant convo and dealings with, I've only bottomed 4 times out of about 20 or more sessions. I mean being a top is a workout in its own. I'm feelin the control that I have and the pleasure I'm able to give. I've tried many positions and I'm feelin all of them. I don't know, maybe I'm more verse than I thought. Oh and I've been told that I have a "stripper dick" and a "photogenic dick", along with an ass that "makes me lose control! I'd be lying if I said I head didn't get a lil big, but I will say that I'm growing comfortable with myself and my body.

Random question: what ever happened to quality music that will be remembered for years to come? Does that even exist anymore?

the job thing needs to open up. I need a job paying real money. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't have to worry about working 2 jobs. I'm over that and I cant wait till God blesses me with what I need. Soon and very soon and I'll be set! On my immediate agenda would be some light cosmetic maintainence on my car and lil things for my apartment. With focus on enlarging my savings account, my school debt will be paid off very shortly and I'll be on the road to educational success! I've given myself 2 weeks and I must havea job! Watch and see if it will happen!

I will be updating my cooking blog with cooking for a dinner party. What should I cook? I know some of you are longing for me to update the blog, lmao!

I'd like to give a shoutout to Shawnqt. Be strong man. I know it's been a rough coupla days but it will soon be over. Keep ya head up and surround yourself with ya friends who are here to help you out in your rough time. We're here for you, and I believe I can speak for all of us when I say that. You know who "US" is too! See you soon! And another shoutout to NNR for showing me an outstanding weekend and for making it go out with a bang! (Place pun somewhere in there! Lmao) you cool peoples and I'm glad we met and became friends! Stay real and ummm get an unlimited plan for God's sake!

Stir it up!

Is HOMOSEXUALITY a sin?

I MEAN, IS IT? WHY OR WHY NOT? SOME GAYS SAY IT IS AND DON'T CARE, SOME GAYS SAY IT ISN'T! WHAT'S YOUR STANCE?

Can a HOMOSEXUAL go to heaven?

IS IT POSSIBLE? WHAT IF IT WAS? WHAT IF IT WASN'T? HMMM...

I'M REALLY WONDERING WHAT YOU THINK! FEED ME YOUR THOUGHTS!!!

Perfect Sex!

I got this from Oyin's World and I wanted to talk about it for a bit. Mostly because I've been on a horny streak and I need to find some way to cool myself down!

Perfect sex happens without thought. Perfect sex is lost on the clock. Perfect sex is sensual ever so much. Perfect sex has me longing for your touch. Perfect sex has a smoothe flow. Perfect sex will give you a glow. Perfect sex is genuine. Perfect sex is like the finest wine. Perfect sex fills me with glee. Hell Yeah Perfect sex is for me! ~Fuzzy

I'm not a saint in the bed, I'll be the first to let you know. Yea I'm a lil raunchy, I like the freakier things in sex and I do it all in a sensual way. I haven't had many sexual interactions where I didn't offer sensuality. I may not have received any in return, but it was definitely rendered on my behalf. I like to take my time and feel everything I can. I like to listen to all of the sounds you make while I am in you and you in me. I want to notice your body's response to mine. I want to please you beyond expectation. I want to make your eyes water out of ecstasy. Let's lose track of time and watch the sun set then rise again. Together erasing boundaries and constantly obtaining new plateous.

I've never had Perfect Sex, but came close about two times. The only thing that messed it up was the ending. Don't get me wrong, I've had bangin sex more times that I can count, but we're talkin about those unforgetable experiences. The ones that you remember for years and years to come. The memory of bangin sex will eventually disappear. Perfect Sex... that lasts for a lifetime!

I'm feelin really freaky right about now. I'm gonna be as much of a good boy as I can be. I make no guarantees. The nympho in me just may come out! Watch out!

Paint me a picture, what do you think Perfect Sex includes? Do you believe there is such an attainable thing? Have you honestly had Perfect Sex before? I have watchful eyes and listening ears...

Response!

So everyone must be wondering what I meant by my last post. So, let me give you just a bit of an update. A couple of weeks ago, I fell sick with the flu. I didn't know I had the flu, just thought I was sick with common cold or allergy symptoms. I bought the Tylenol Cold & Flu and tried to wing it to recovery. I didn't quite make it. I landed in the ER for like 6 hours laying in the bed with ice on my arms trying to get my temperature to drop. It was creeping close to 105 and kept rising from registration until the time I sat on the ER bed. They medicated me and waited till I cooled down. They gave me scripts and I was on my way to recovery, finally! the day before the ER visit, I experienced another breakup. There wasn't a spark or fuzzy feeling generating from me towards him. The bad part is he fell for me and I didn't fall for him. I needed to be honest to do this now instead of lead him on for months and months maybe even years pretending to have something that's not there. So, we broke up. Now, on to the video...

The way Keke pictured her interaction with Avant was sensual and seductive. They way that Avant pictured being with Keke was romantic and sexy. They used the words picture, meaning imagining or envisioning. You know when you're not in someone's presence and all you can do is think about them? Think on what you want to do to them, with them, for them? When you finally get together it's like magic at every moment. When you part ways, as soon as you turn your back, you miss them, longing to see them again. When I listen to this song, this is what comes to mind. This is what I think Keke and Avant portray with their words.

Thinking of that, I thought Dre was a cool guy. He has plenty to offer someone. He's a great catch even! I had him but wondered everyday why when we were together I felt like I was chillin with one of the boys. I liked him and what he had, but there were no feelings of love. When that infatuation stage was over with all I felt was friendship. Who has a great guy but can't fall for him. I realized that everyone isn't for you and I'm not for everyone! I'm happy that I didn't lead him on for any longer fooling both of ourselves.

Like anyone else, I want that "Nothing in this World" feeling with someone. I'm not looking for it any longer. I have much on my plate right now and I'm gonna take it easy. I know what I want and when it walks by I'll grab onto it. I wish I would find it sooner rather than later!

I wonder...

Why Didn't I...

...Feel This Way

Thank You

I'd like to thank everyone for thinking of me, praying for me, and supporting during the move into my new apartment. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! Some called, some sent text messages, some sent instant messages, some came to the housewarming party and some sent their gifts. To all of you that, Thank You!

On to the meat! My emotions have been stable for the past few days, THANK GOD! I'm glad to be stable; it's relaxing! I'm just real exhausted. Tired all the time and yawning. With everything on my plate (bf, 2 jobs, church, apartment, party planning, money management, and future job prospects) I just wanna fall out every time I walk through the door! It's quite ok because things will not be like this always. 2009 has proven to be a year of change and will continue to be so. I'll be making what I wish to make and I'm confident in saying so!

Twitter is cool. I have been getting into it a lil bit and it is quite entertaining. There is prolly bunches more that I can do with it but one day. So those of you that don't know, follow me on twitter!

Twitter.com/fuzzychulo

According to the poll on my blog you guys want the opportunity to ask more questions. Since it wasn't an overwhelming response I wont burden you with more details about my life, lol! You're just gonna have to sit tight and wait for the next questions post and pay attention to the dates that you need to publish them!

Jesus is coming, random but true! Don't get caught out there wit ya business undone!

I wanna go on a road trip somewhere. I know I need to stop by Raleigh NC, Chicago IL, Montreal Canada, and I wanna go to Lake Michigan! I gotta get to one of these places this summer, I just have to! I wanna go kyacking and camping too... Anyone wanna come with?

My friend circle is seemingly in intensive care. We once were tight knit ride or die group of guys and KeKe (she prolly wont read this but she knows who she is!) There are now divisions in the group. Some are caused by life choices and others just by behavior. It's driving wedges and we are slowly falling apart. I can't do anything to save it because all of the issues are sensitive or none of my business. It's hard bearing everyone's grief and not being able to share it with anyone, not even Dre. Confidentiality is confidentiality. I see pending explosion and permanent division and it feels as if there is nothing I can do to stop it! I guess I'll pray and believe everything will work out for the best!

I want diamonds on my neck and Patron in my cup...

Victim of Humanity

Let me explain what was going on. So,Wednesday was the start of my shitty mood with the teacher that wanted to show me his ass. That then decided to filter itself into Thursday. Which crumbled the beginning of the day. I was subbing for the teacher who was served all the bad ass bastards that none of the other teachers wanted. The poor guy wasn't tenured and had a small voice so it happened. Anyway, in his classes, there was no authority laid, no rules enforced or anything. In plain English, the students ran that class. Therefore a clash between them and I all day in every classroom period! There were kids that wanted to fight me, kids that called me everything but a child of God, and God knows what else! Security didn't serve any help at all. They came, escorted the kids I kicked outta my class back with no disciplinary action at all! I mean substitute teachers have been stripped of most of their authority. The little we have doesn't go far. So when we assert that tiny bit of authority, and nothing happens, we become their equals. That means we can do nothing to them and we are on the same level as they are.

After school let out, I decided to come right on home. Dre was home and I grieved my day to him and he hopped on the train and ordered pizza to try to cheer me up. It was working. Then I took a slight nap. Woke up and was on my way to bible study. Drove there only to find out its canceled. Pet peeve, driving for no reason! I don't like that at all! So I decided to stop into Bob's discount furniture, to show Dre the pieces I picked out. There were 2 sets I fancied. A tan and dark brown leather combo and a brown combo. Moving on, cause I can sure digress! The saleswoman tried to get me to run the credit app for the financing. I relucted to consent. I knew what my credit looked like. Not the greatest. I didn't want to build my hopes up to have them crash down. I just hate disappointment. I ran it and was declined. It felt like a low blow for some reason. Like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I wanted to curl up in myself and release. I tried to hide it or shrug it off or whatever. I mean it felt like someone stacked the chips against me and glued together wit Krazy Glue so they would never fall! I attempted to move on.

On the way back home it seemed like everyone forgot their license at home and was actin like fools on the road. Folks were dancing in the middle of the highway, minivans got aggressive like the soccer mom president was late pickin up her baby! I just wanted to go home. I get here and Dre made me a drink. I had orange and rum. A drink I've had plenty of times before. This time it went to work extra quick. Idk what was happening but before long I had a carpet to clean up and stained Capri's and converses, calling Earl over the toilet. I was embarrassed and confused. I've always been able to hold my liquor. Never had a hangover and never been flat out drunk. And wasn't last night either! After that was over I either passed out or went to sleep. I can't remember which. I woke up to Dre being in a mood. I'm still feelin it. I woke up tipsy and groggy. I thought he was pissed over my antics last night but no, he was pissed to two conversations I was having with friends that he read on my phone. And that's when the anger began to grow. In my morning tipsiness, I believed that he thought I was cheating on him. I went the hell off! F this and F that etc... for my friends that know me and my situations and my personality I have grown in the past 10 months. Not grown but growing! I just 86'd everyone and needed time to my thoughts, and waited for them to become sober. Through sober convo with Dre later on this past afternoon, things were clearly communicated. Apologies shared and things began to move on for the better.

I'm human, I bleed red just like you do. I hurt like everyone else. And like everyone else I have a breaking point. I reached that today. I'm better now. Stomach is calm, nerves are calm and I'm looking to just relax. Thank you bloggers for being an ear for me! I apologize to everyone I've ignored today also. I'm turning my twitter alerts back on now and my IMs too. See y'all later!

Why does it continue?

I'm over being a good boyfriend. I'm over doin shit the right way. I'm over trying to change for the good and constantly get shitted on. Fuzzy do this, fuzzy do that! Daniel come here, Daniel go there! Fuck that shit! I'm over it!!!

I'm gonna fucking disappear. Don't look for me, don't call me, don't text me cause I'm not gonna respond. Blip me off your damn map. I don't exist until further notice. Deuces...