Tax Season

I've filed for my income tax return. I was set to get me some extra money ever since my very poor return for the year 2007. Like a couple of hundred! I'm excited to have a much heftier tax return. I have been planning on ways that I can treat myself this year. I haven't decided on what exactly I'll be getting, but here is where my mind is:

Playstation 3 (double purpose, gaming and blue-ray)
Wii (I prolly will get this for my birthday)
32" high definition LCD tv (always wanted one)
Wireless Keyboard and mouse (preferably rechargable)
Bally's membership for 1 year (summer is coming)
Rims and tires for my car (tired of replaciing hubcaps)
Headlights for my car (time to return the blinding favor)
A few suits dress shirts and ties (I outgrew my old ones)
Dress shoes (I'm a church boy, I like dress shoes!)
Sneakers (chucks, forces or shell toes)
Jeans (nothing too exotic, I'm not really flashy)


Well this looks like it could be my christmas list! Lol I guess my lists are geared to how much money I have and how much money I expect others to spend! I will try to manipulate my funds to get the most I can while placing some of it into my savings account!

Oh, I want a digital camera too! Tired of takin pics on my G1! Lol

Be easy and later days y'all!!!!

Let me tell you!

On Wednesday, January 28th, 2009, I made the last payment on my car! Woooooo Hoooooo Yaaaaaayyyyyy. Its that serious to me. I set out for my goal and I attained my desired result! I've been good at money management for the majority of my 10 working years. There has been some tight spots but I've made it through with the help of the Lord and my family and friends. Thank you!

I've made a friend, "chill buddy" if you will. I put myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. I opened up. I took a chance. I thought I was making progress. So much time has passed and I've fallen. Fallen in a good sense. A sense of likeness, infatuation, and interest. Love is not a term I will let come from my mouth until my heart is ready. Hunny, its nowhere near sayin that, let me tell you! Lol days, hours, minutes and seconds have been spent together. It seems like a couple of months have passed, when its only been a week! I can't figure it out! How do you fall for someone in a week? Could I be ripe and ready for the plucking and didn't realize it? It's possible. I didn't think I'd be ready this soon! Hmmm...

I haven't been online in over a week. I haven't even desired to log on. The only thing that might bring me to click logon would be boredom, but I've been keeping myself busy doing other creative and productive things.

Why is it becoming easier not to jerk off? I had problems in the past with masturbation, in the aspect of it was getting out of hand. Public places, in front of unsuspecting people and the frequency was ridiculous! I've gone from 6-8 nuts a day to 2 or 3 nuts every coupla weeks or so. It has heightened sexual pleasure, when I do have sex, and I mean really heightens it! Lol I'm a guy with so much sexual energy I can almost let one out mentally! I wonder if I could totally quit. It would be nice to experience a wet dream!

Moving on... I've had more trust in God lately. I haven't been working many hours, but my checks are still coming in and I'm still taken care of. I'm learning how to be a cheerful giver in my tithing, offerings, and to people. As a result my God is supplying all of my needs. Heck, and some of my wants too! God is cool! :-) y'all should try him sometime!

Just an update letting you know what's goin on wit me.
Later days...

Question

For all the gay/bi/curious/dl/undacova/whatever you condiser yourself guys out there, have you ever had sex with a woman? if so, what are ya thoughts? if not, do you have any regrets or would you like to try it out? lend me your opinions... women can answer this question also by reversing the roles...

Take life slow...

Driving down a familiar path recently traveled, I find myself examining the signs. The signs of where I'm going, having the memory of where I've been. It's not easy, and I'm not even going to say it is. What I can say is I'm human.

I've made mistakes, so have the rest of you. I'm making mistakes, so are the rest of you. I will make mistakes, so will the rest of you. I'm not one of these people with a simple map of life laid on a table of hard crumbs. Pushing through the paper revealing life's struggles. I'm one of those people with a difficult map and bunches of crumbs on the table. I hear people say they roll with the punches. I've heard take it one day at a time. I've heard that you have to know what you want and go after it. I've heard countless pieces of advice from family friends and acquaintances alike! I value every piece of information brought to my ears, I DO!

I need to ask a question. A question that will serve as thought, and one that some might wish to answer. Why can't I let life bring what it will bring to me? In other words, why do I have to influence my future by forcing things to happen?

I want to end up at a certain destination in life. Why should I let life pass me by because I'm narrow-minded and focused on only 1 thing? When I dream, the contents of my dreams seem unattainable, distant and illogical. I'm not ignoring the dream, but I'm tired of actively pursuing it. I could be missing out on seasonal happiness. If I want a damn cheeseburger knowing I have a 5 course gourmet meal in 5 hours, why can't I enjoy the cheeseburger and enjoy my gourmet meal when it comes time?

I'm patient but I'm no fool. I have tried changing so many things around but what if the changes made were for naught? I don't wanna be 50 and bitter. I don't want to have decades pass and I'm still searching for a dream to come true. That line "dreams do come true" isn't always said. I don't wanna die in a fantasy that never became a reality. I want to take all that life has to offer me while the offers are on the table. Life happens. Things change. People change!

I thank my close friends for having by best interest at heart. Shawn, Twin, Nobody not Really, Docta D you've really been there! Thank you for your ears! I really appreciate you soooo much! Shoutout to Sexxyluv, that's ma girl right there! But you could sign onto gtalk a lil more often! Lol

I feel this has been a rant... I'm sorry! I have built up emotions from the past week and expression can be a mo fo! I can tell you this, I'm making a decision on whether I wanna see someone. It's a lot involving this guy and I'm trying to move past the infatuation stage to see the bigger picture of what and who he really is. More to come...

My thumbs are tired, I'll TTYL!!!

I wasn't prepared...

I gazed into your eyes, I wasn't prepared
Looking for seconds, then minutes and I pryed myself away
A recollected feeling not felt or seen for years
It found me, surrounded me and I wasn't prepared
Chest to chest, hand in hand, and emotions mixing
Heart pounding with a mind aching, I had a secret
Events passed and time flying, but its not too late
Or is it, I wonder, too late to save face?
Potentially much on the table, nothing to deny
I just wasn't prepared to stare into your eyes!

Here I Stand

Right here right now, I stand at a confusing time
Looking right and walking left I stand
Wanting one and having the other
Living a life unwanted while dying in a dream unattained
Windowing destiny and opportunity, I stand
Barred from desires and yielding to the same
Floating in clouds of uncertainty hovering unable to light
Here I stand, tired, weary and afraid to be confident
Confident of events unseen, confident in potential contentment
Confident in myself, confident of life
In the state I am, wherever it be, here I stand!

I wrote this because this is how I feel more often than desired. I wrote this because someone really can find themselves in here. I like this poem because I'm not the only one that is or has felt this way. I didn't post this to attain any kind of sympathy, but rather as a checkpoint for myself.

This a time for me where I'm evaluating what holds weight in my life. What needs attention and what needs to be prioritized. At some point in everyones life there has to be a change. There has to be a mark where things must be different. I'm there. I recognize the changes that must be made. The issue lies where and when the decision must be made to step into this change. I titled the post using the word stand. Meaning not moving. Described actions that portrayed actions contradicting other actions which leads me to moving nowhere. Thus, here I stand.

I wish I could move...

Just a post...

Events have been coming to pass. Changes have been occuring. My mindset has been looking at a makeover. I step pack and look at all that's been going on and I think "this is a lot".

I haven't had sex in sometime now. (Twin didn't I tell you to HUSH!) It's causing me to experience high levels of horniness. Its coming out in my dreams, conversation and in my briefs! Lol! I've been this elevated state of horny where I just can't focus it to make it go away. I can't take having erections for hours on end. I won't beat off because it doesn't satisfy me. It just leaves me wanting more. This "something more" comes from a personal interaction that has a deep connection. My previous post talks of love. It's saying more than I want it. The more important message is that I'm ready for this love. Ready for it to be given to me and for me to reciprocate.

Going back to those dreams I spoke on, I can't have a nonsexual night of rest! I've had 2 dreams in particular which is disturbing! One of them involves me being heterosexual and a guy coming on to me. I'm rejecting this guy and he's getting emotional on me. I called this guy out, by full name, in this dream. I woke up in confusion. Went to work and I run into this very same guy! I get his name and its the name of the guy in the dream! Crazy right? Dream number two takes place with another guy, same job! (Not saying which one!) He walks up to me and touches shoulder and informs me of how tense my muscles are. He asked for a rub down. I consented. He makes his way to my neck and starts to feel on my cheeks and leans over me and kisses me! Then, he whispers "I really like you. Do you want my number?" I woke uo! What in high hell was that about. Now these two dreams happened in a 24 hour period!

I've been in poetic mode lately. You will see more of my poetry in the future... I'm a freestyle poet. Straight from the mind, soul and spirit with little editing and rearrangment. Hope it's a delight.

My crush has given me more hope. Or maybe I should say encouragement. At anyrate, thanks!

The blogger reunion is coming up. I'm excited! I've never been to Chicago, but I'm looking forward to it!

That's all for now. I think...

I Desire

Love love love love love!
Oh, yeah...
Love love love love love!

I wanna feel your love and be loved by you
Please just care for me and show your love is true
Just be there so I can place my... lay my head on your bossoms
Let me feel your pressance
Sit our spirits down and let them sing melodies
This is personal, from me to (YOU)
Show me what I need to do!

Just a lil bit...

I'm giving you a lil bit...

...but not too much!!!

Random Importance

I don’t expect this post to be of any significance to anyone but myself. It’s all good though. I just wanted to make mention of some sporadic things that have been happening in my life. 

• I have a crush on this woman
• I stopped drinking alcohol
• I'm trusting God more often
• I am saying "no" more often
• I went suit shopping
• I started reading a book (Thanks Twin)
• I held a baby

I know you guys, and gals too, are like "ummm wha" to some of this. Let me try to explain some of it. Excuse me if I do not go into great detail, but there are some things I don’t wanna jinx as of yet. 

I've been talking to this woman. She has no idea that I'm talking about her, even if she reads this. I have a huge crush on her. Kinda sorta like a school boy crush. It's what it is but there is a lil more that makes it significant. While this may be a very minor crush, she has complimented me in ways that I've never been complimented by a woman. I'm excited! It was an ego boost. I felt giddy inside and I swear you couldn't get me to stop smiling! Distance will probably keep us apart but just the whole concept that she finds me sexy and attractive is enough for me! My closer friends might understand this a lil better than the passer by readers, lol

I stopped drinking alcohol for two reasons. I was momentarily hospitalized in the beginning of December. I believe it was less serious than how they portrayed me to be but oh well. The Doctor said I had food poisoning, stomach flu, a slight ulcer and was suffering from dehydration; all at one time. No biggie right? lol I was told no fried foods, low sodium foods and stay away from alcohol. Ummm, I just purchased some tequila, rum and vodka from the store! ::SIGH:: it will be here when all is well with me. Well my stomach was sooo sensitive to the death liquid I couldn't stomach it and I rejected it by mouth and dealt with another night of stomach pain. So, I said No Mo Fo Me! Secondly, I believe drinking was becoming a slow habit for me. Every time I could handle more and more before feeling the effects. I would mix lights and darks and handle it like a champ sometimes. All depending on whether 151 was one of the darks! lol I thought better for me to just quit altogether!

It’s easy to say we trust God but lately I'm acting on my trust. I'm reading my Bible more and studying more often. Making church more of a priority than it was has helped me. Giving from my heart instead of requirement has blessed me. 

Ok, I'm a lil horny... I admit it. It’s been awhile, HUSH UP Twin, since I had intercourse. I took these nice pics of me and I put them up on the sites, you know what they are! If you don't I wont enable you! Lol, moving on… I get offers and requests all of the time to do un-named actions! It would be nothing for me to say lets get it on! Let’s do the thing! I chose to do something different. I've been declining guys left and right. Only agreeing to meet those who I know their name, where they work and things you should know about a person before deciding to be sexual with someone. I looked back and how many times I said "no" and I smiled. I've put this value over my head and its going higher and higher. I feel it’s a good thing!

I haven't purchased a suit in over 3 years, going on 4 probably! I went and I got sized up for a suit. I looked and I got some ideas and I'll be purchasing 2 suits at the end of January, once my car and insurance policy is paid off. I'm Excited. I gotta get some shoes and accessories to go with it. Cufflinks, tie tacks and maybe a gold chain. That will come in February! Lol

The book I've wanted to finish reading for about 3 years and change has come back into my possession. It was a gift from Twin. Little does he know, I’m loving this book! Eternal Victim Eternal Victor written by Donnie McClurkin.  

I held a baby boy. I felt complete. I felt hope. I felt happy! Then after awhile of holding him I felt stinky! I wonder what the future holds for me!