Interjectection!

Before I start, Don't forget to cast your vote on the poll on the left side of the blog...

Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well!

All of those words at once! Yea I know I said I was gonna let you influence my next post, which would of been this one, but things happen. Some things happened at church on yesterday that would be monumental for me to mention. It just had to be said, that's all there is to it!

I went to church, after waking up at a friends place. I was conditioning myself, ever since the day before, to be to church on time. At church we had a special speaker, not to me, but to everyone else. I knew him. So, I was like yea, no surprise for me! Service was over, it was a HIGH time and I drove my Pastor to the church that he plays for. I gotta take care of him; he's a great Pastor and I don't want him over doing himself. So, that service was okay. I really don't particularly like the atmosphere at that church. I'm there for support purposes so, it's whatever.

I get back to the Pastor's house and First Lady and Sister Soandso are talking. Talking about nothing in particular but just talking about the body of Christ and whatever else subject came up. First Lady said that she had a bone to pick with Sister Soandso and I. Leaving out Sister Soandso, she told me that I was stubborn. She said that there is something that is so very small that is in my way, that I'm holding on to, that is preventing me from accepting my calling.

::PAUSE::

I have had a great idea of what my calling is and have ignored it. I have only admitted it to myself and dismissed at the same time. Its been about 3 years I have known and ignored. It was something I wanted no part of! I thought I didn't fit the mold. I ran from my calling because I never got any confirmation from a trusted source!

::UNPAUSE::

She went on to ask when I would realize that I have a gift. She told me that I know the word so well, and have a clear understanding of it at the same time! She said that I have this power working inside of me that I'm suppressing. She emphasized that I didn't know what I was working with. She finished the conversation by saying that I knew about it all and I'm choosing not to embody my calling. She said that if it wasn't for God telling me this I would of never told you. "When are you going to step and be the minister God wants you to be, that you know you should be?"

I couldn't say a word. That I thought in my mind was: Wow! Oh no! Good Lawd! Yeah... Hmmm... Ummm... Well! I felt like I just got a beating! So, I had to post this. The day I received proof of my calling!

So, I didn't know this...

Sarah Palin is pentecostal! I heard she belonged to the Church of God in Christ and I reacted! WHAT? Palin is COGIC? I needed to find out for myself. I was always told that the Church of God in Christ was the largest denomination outside of the catholic faith. Apparently, that may be incorrect. As I researched this Palin COGIC thing, I discovered the Assemblies of God. I went back in the history and found out that COGIC and The Assemblies of God are almost one in the same. There are a few differences. One baptizes in the Holy Spirit and the other in the name of the Father Son and the Holy Spirit. There are other minor differences as well. COGIC is predominately black and Assemblies of God are predominately white. Its so amazing that Jim Crow laws had a role in this split at approximately 100 years ago. What is more amazing? We are still split long after Jim Crow laws have been done away with! Just trying to find out where the unity is...

I have posted a poll and I want to see what you think. There's always a poll up! The results of this poll will determine my next post...

A Double Minded Front!

I call this post double minded for a reason. I would say this post would be focused around relationships, or lack thereof. My blogger friends from Far Far Away have been in talks with me and, through working on myself in my spare time, I can say that I'm not sure. I'll get into that in a bit...

I was driving home, like 2 days ago, and my old ringtone came on the radio. Suffocate, by J. Holiday. I drifted back to when I was goo goo gaga over the song and I began to reminisce. I remember this song being about Shawn. I remember feeling crazy about him, despite what I was feeling. I remember not being able to compose myself when I saw him, trying to keep it cute to save face! I remember waking up in the middle of the night just staring at him. I remember dreaming feeling his stares on me. It was nice. I was breaking the speed limit on my memory superhighway. I was moving so fast I zipped through most of the relationship in about a block, block and a half tops! It was like someone shot me in the big toe! I burst into a fit of somewhat controllable tears. I sent out a text, I needed words and I needed a listening session from a friend. Hopefully I can get one in today.

I really don't know what to do. I had to admit that I was frontin to myself, and everyone else, that I was okay. Clearly I'm not. I say I wanna be friends with a man I am still in love with. I force myself to not care when I see signs of him moving on. I have to condition myself to be around him when he warns me he will have a date while in my company. I coat my heart with liquor to numb myself from the hurt. Will I continue to do this? Of course! I'll continue to be around him because somewhere within me I believe we can still work. Am I ready to try to make it work? I doubt it. Do I want to give up on my childhood dreams? My adolescent dreams? my early adult dreams? I don't think I can! If I could I would be at Shawn's feet begging. yea I know that's low, but you will find that you will do anything for something you really want! Especially when it comes to love. For now I front and act like it doesn't bother me...

J. Holiday - Suffocate

---------------------

I have deleted all of my naked pics. yea I know that's like a million, but I haven't had any naked pics for awhile. I stumbled upon a few that were stored in another folder that were cute, I kept those! lol. Anyway, I am on BGC. I get hit up left and right with people that are interested in tryin to sex me, and trying to be my next Boo! I have given all of them a long ass string and haven't pulled on any of them. I would say that I want to date someone again. I want to be in someone's company and have all of their attention on me. I have plenty upon plenty to allow to take me out! They all are still waiting. I don't want to lead them on, but I get so lonely at night. I don't have a text buddy I can run to. I have nobody. Or do i?

I have been entertaining this guy, lets call him china star [thanks twin :) hehe]. CS and I have been talking for weeks, almost a month and its been on a friendship type of note. He slips up every now and then and inserts a sexual comment that lets me know he is waiting for me to be interested. CS is about 5'7" Philippine/ Black / White mix. I am sooo attracted to him its not funny! He has this body on him that I could lick over and over! 6-pack, pecks, biceps, hell, EVERYTHING!!! He is a bottom. I don't have a problem being the top in this situation! He said he will do whatever it takes sexually to keep his man satisfied! That raised my eyebrow! I had to ask, would you top? He said, ANYTHING to keep his man! I nodded! CS, for those that don't know, is the guy I went to go see when I got those tickets!

There is a guy from NY that has made plain interest that he wants to explore possibilities with me. I'm gonna call him Young Daddy! Can you guess why? lol Cause his ass is 23 and has a 6 year old daughter!!! WTF! Idk about that. the first thing he asked me was if I liked kids! lol He's lookin for solidity! Well I don't know about that so much... He has been tryin to meet me for about 2 weeks and I been keepin him at bay. He lives in New York and I hate driving to New York and can't navigate those streets like that. Well he said he would come to jersey. We'll see...

I don't really know exactly where I am. I don't Know whether I'm coming or going. I want to go back where I was at but wanna do a better job. I wanna move forward but I have these ties and I don't know if I really want to cut those ties and connections. I was once this sexual person that had to have sex 6 days a week and not on Sunday. Now I haven't had sex in over a month! Get that one!!! I'm actually not that torn without it. I enjoy holding out on my goodies; it makes people want me more! I'm suspended in mid air, in a emotional limbo. I'm tired of frontin, actin like everything is ok! This is me being honest with myself!

Current State: Living A Double Minded Front!

My Weekend...

So much happened this weekend! It was like the best/worst weekend I have had in a long time! Here comes the rundown!

Friday- I went to work and put my hours in. Came home and tutored some kids. Then went to my old church to hear my big cousin preach. He's a newly appointed Elder and a national evangelist for C.O.G.I.C. worldwide. He preached with a topic "What happened to the power?" and was dynamic! I came home and was in a mood to go out. Everyone had plans and I waited for a guy online to come thru he never came. I sat and waited for nothing! I drifted off to sleep with a wasted Friday night!

Saturday- My dad is coming back today. That means I have to get the house to where it was before he left! moving furniture and a few other things. I said whatever to all of that and just cleaned everything! I was determined to have a good time on Saturday. I worked a grand total of 71.5 hours this week and I won't see most of that till the end of the month! Damned pay periods! I have been exhausted all week! I wanna have a good time with whatever lil change I have to rub together! I'll make it work!

Here is where it gets interesting! Twin, Shawn and his date went out! We went to TGI's and to the city. We had a blast. I was comfortable and was happy Shawn was happy. He won't know this till reads this, but I wanted to lick him! He looked so sexy and all I wanted to do was give him a nice kiss! Did I mention I was drunk? Yea... Drunk... Its been over a month since I had sex and my hormones are really getting the best of me and I curbed my feelings and urges, even under he influence. I saw him kiss his date and I cringed a bit, but I wasn't lastingly bothered. I had fun. After the Vill, I came to twin's house and fell victim to his couch.

Sunday- I think I have my first hangover! I woke up with a headache and nausea! It was bad. I didn't wanna move too much cause I didn't wanna bear all to the sidewalk, as I made my way to my car to go to church. I get there and service was high and lifted up! I got my shout in for sure! I claimed my healing of that Got Damned Nausea! lol I hung out with my pastor for the day. He plays for another church in Newark as the senior musician.

I needed a refreshment. I went downstairs, in the church, to get a Coke. I needed to stay awake. I stopped in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and admired. I know I have always admired myself, but that has always been with no shirt, nude, or in some sexual pose. This time I saw me as everyone else would see me. Fully clothed and conservative. This is the first time I have truly seen myself as attractive and liked it. I took some pics on my phone...

This is a milestone for me! I'm coming out of my insecure self and becoming a confident man. I even asked my pastor this question. "If I told you I had problems with self esteem, would you believe me?" He said he knew that way before I told him. Way before I was a member of his church. He said I try to hide it and I do a very good job. He went on to further say that God told him to watch over me because of this! 2 years ago! Ummm hello! I'm gonna need God and my pastor to stop talkin behind my back!

My Sunday is long, aint it? lol I wanted to go out to this lounge in Newark. I don't know the name, but it's on Williams St., downtown. I wanted to go with this guy I wanted to chill with on friday night. He felt bad that he's missed both of my parties, and 2 chill nights. So he offered to drive to NY to Esqualitas. Princess Janee was hosting a diva search. It was nice. What I didn't mention is that my jacket was stolen, and I got 3 tickets. @ on the way to Orange and came back to Orange to find a parking ticket. Needless to say my black ass will stay out of Orange! But the guy was cute, fun and a great time. By no means a date but two guys having fun. I'm glad that I didn't allow the first two tickets to get me down... That would of been the old fuzzy for sure. Getting depressed at the very most minor thing possible! I am changing for the better!


Monday- I really don't wish to talk about today much. I paid 2 months of rent this afternoon. I wanna say I'm sorry to a friend(s) of mine. I thought I was clear with my intentions to pay you back. I thought you understood where I was coming from. I thought saw my situation. I thought you wouldn't let this come between us. It has. I'm sorry. I never meant to take advantage of you. I never meant to take this long to pay you back. I have been busting my back for the last two weeks trying to play catch-up with everything. Working extended work weeks. Falling asleep at work, barely functioning, going sleepless nights, I thought you would see that. I said that I was paying everybody back in a previous post. I just am waiting to see the fruits of my labor. I try to be a man of my word. What I say I try to make true on! I do my best. Apparently that wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry. You'll have your money in two weeks! Again I'm sorry...

My weekend ended on Monday, at 1:55pm. "You can keep the attitude Daniel..." My weekend ended on a horrible note (text message).

An Update!

I would say, to me, this would be more of my more important but seemingly more meaningless posts. I don't know, but I just felt the need to note my progress. There have been a few things that have been going on in my life that I haven't mentioned, outside of my emotional being.

As of August 28, 2008, I have been employed for Kohl's Department Stores. The significance of this, is a few-fold. My goal for the latter end of 2008 is to have two jobs. I have set financial goals ahead of me that, must be accomplished before the ball drops. Paying off my car, paying money back to the people that helped me out when I was struggling, getting my car fixed and ready for the winter and more.

How I got the job was, in itself, a blessing. I applied online 2 times, for 4 positions. I never received a call back. I was wondering why I never got call backs, hmmm. Mrs. Bitch's husband got called for an interview. Hmmm again! I was feeling a sort of way. I mean really! How do I have so much retail experience and not at least get a call! Moving on, I had to take him to his interview. I get there and they ask me if I was a walk-in. I thought this is my chance to get my foot in there. I did more than get my foot in that day! Not only was I offered a job, but I was offered a job that was not to be filled by a New Hiree. I was hired as the Ad Set Supervisor! That's more money! :)

Not only was I blessed with a job, but a part-time job, with much needed benefits, that works with my school schedule and my job working as a substitute teacher. This was like a perfect fit for me! To think if I had of wallowed in my ways and never took the guy to his interview, I would of not been placed in a position for my blessing!

I paid 2 months of my car note. That's a big deal! It was 5 times more than my cell phone bill I talked about in one of my previous posts. I'm on my way to correcting my finances. I'm so ecstatic that I'm really doing this and making this work for myself.

I opened another bank account, one that I think I should close now, at Bank of America. These damned fees are nothing to play with. I'm so serious with that! They charged me $2.00 for using a free ATM! I mean come on now! I do like the "Keep the Change" that saves all of my spare change for me. That's the only perk I can see of right now.

I dropped my car off to the mechanic to get an estimate for a few things. I need to know how much I need to be trying to put on the side. I set a time frame by the 2ND week of November to have these things fixed. What all needs to be done:

1. Wheel alignment
2. Passenger door handle
3. Driver inside door handle
4. Driver window
5. Molding on the convertible top around the driver window
6. Door guards on both passenger and driver door
7. Car radio
8. Wheels

I estimate this to cost about $1000. I hope his estimate doesn't go over mine and, preferably, stays below that amount.

I'm so tired these days. My schedule is not structured at all. I work in the mornings and get off at 2:30 or 3pm on some days. Then, on other days I have off. I work from about 6pm until about 1am some days and some days start as early as 5pm and end at 6 or 7am. Then my day starts over again. It's the price I pay to get what I want. I want less bills, this is how I chose to do it right now. I just find it hard to stay awake at times. Like now! lol I apologize that I haven't read many blogs. This is the reason why. I just can't fall into the mode of reading. My off time is spent at church or in the bed!

I am happier than I was yesterday. I'm just going to leave it like that with no details. As long as I am making progress that is all that needs to be noted.

I've started a scheduled workout plan. It is only me waking up an hour early and coming to the High School, where I work at, to exercise with the JROTC cadets. They do jumping jacks like maniacs! Push ups in two counts totaling about 150 total push ups a day. Also included are leg lifts, stretches, thrusts, mountain climbers, what they call raising your arms at shoulder length and moving them in a circular motion. I got my shape from JROTC when I was in it 5 years ago. I am hoping that I can tone my body using the same exercises. It shouldn't take long. I feel the tightness, now I am waiting to see the results bulge through! :)

Kohl's Gave me an Outstanding Achievement award for working the most weird shifts, saying yes to whenever asked and displaying the most energy and enthusiasm about the job. I have a special parking spot for the month of October and a nice certificate! Y'all know I was cheesin! :-D That really made my night!

I think I have typed enough. Plus, I think this is all that I have to update on anyway! lol I will try to make my way around to visit your blogs in between naps and jobs. Thank you for being considerate and hopefully understanding.

Where Are My Readers? I'll see...

What do you do when you...?
What do you say when...?
How do you handle...?
How can you move on?

I just sit in a space, in a spot wondering when the time will come when it is my time. It seems that everyone has their paths, their projected or prospected paths, or have at one time or another had a path. I want to be there. I get so pissed when people say it will come in time. I dip into depression when people say to wait! I have had what I wanted and needed right in front of me twice, but I believe I have ruined my chance at happiness on both occasions! Sigh and i think a tear too...

It may seem like I'm going off on a tangent, but I paid my cell phone bill on the 19Th. For those, most of you that don't know I haven't paid a bill since august. Not a one! I have been down, depressed and outright bothered by my pride as a man. I look at myself as always being able to make it and bounce back from any situation. I would run to my brother for help and I knew he had my back. I didn't want help this time. So, I didn't pay rent, car bills and phone bill. I believed that I would make it through. I've gotten 2 checks that have been humorous! I kept believing! So, on Friday, on my third check from my second job, I paid my cell phone bill. I felt so excited. I felt confident! I lost my confidence a very long time ago. I was unsure of my own validity as a man. I walked with my head down and sat slouched in chairs. Nobody could understand! I have made my first step towards success! I found some confidence and I want more.

All of that to say the following. I want to be happy! I want to make someone happy! I have done the beginning steps and some of the middle steps in getting myself together. I realize more and more how I operate. I realize more and more who I am. I am fooling myself if I continue to think that I have to know myself completely before I can begin to go after my dreams and goals in life. What is wrong with coming into one's self while spending your life with someone? That may be a great way to come into knowledge, when both people can share in the experience!

At the risk of going off on another tangent, is it possible to have two soul mates at the same time? Is it possible for you to have a soul mate for a prospected life and another for a different type of projected life? You ever held on to a dream and had everything you wanted but were confused about EVERYTHING? Then you go down another road and find you still have everything with another person? How do you handle that? How do you choose? How can you be comfortable knowing that each choice is an equal one? I feel like I'm rambling but making sense, and making a point, at the same time!

Let me go back to the beginning! What do you do when your heart has a hold of someone and won't let go? What do you do when your heart is reaching out towards to people? I might push some buttons, but I honestly believe in the probable fact of me loving two people!

What do you say when you can't say anything? I don't mean like blow away can't speak. I mean you are willing and able to speak but can't find the words. The fear and nervousness takes over and you literally can't say a word, speak your mind, or say anything productive.

I'm gonna take it straight Donnie on this one! How do you handle the guilt of your past? Can someone please tell me how do you deal with the shame? How do you handle your heart when it had been handled so many times? Not necessarily mistreated, just handled. I don't to be handled more that I need to be anymore. I want the next one to be soooo serious that It knocks me off my feet. I can't handle any more heart handling. I put my heart into everything, into work, life, friendships and on occasion, prospects! My heart is on my shirt and my only shield is my two hands. They are not doing a good job and I am injured.

What do you say when you've said all you can say and it is not enough? What do you say when you've been nothing but honest and you come up with the shitty stick? I'm gonna be real, because real is what real gets! (so I'm told) I go through my days being honest, sometimes even brutally honest and I just can't deal with ignorance that you get when you're honest. They ignore whatever you want and have made known and try to turn you into whatever they want you to be! Or, if you're not what they wished you to be they catch feelings and put your business on the street like bad garbage on trash day! Just stinkin up the neighborhood!

You should know that my thoughts came out like this after some bazaar game of questions. Shawn, Twin, X, Myself and a few others were engaged. I was sooo clearly and purposely inebriated and felt like expressing all of this after people left. I really don't expect many to read all of this, and I expect fewer to actually comment on it. I just needed to get this out. It's not out of my system, just in the atmosphere. Yea, its random! Yea, it may be repetitive! Yea, it might even be boring! Its whatever, because i just feel like crying right now and right after this sentence i will start...

Where Do We Put the Line?

Someone told me the other day that he was looking to date someone. Another friend of mine told me that he had a relationship with someone. My coworker told me that she seeing this guy, but this was her fiance! They all seemed like the same thing to me. The situations and the circumstances surrounding each of them were alike. I'm not going to even go on this whole friends with benefits thing! You know what, I just might! I really would like to know where is the line drawn between them!

I would view friendship as someone who thoughts may be communicated with, time shared, and moments spent. These things would not be on the level of intimacy. There no set commitment to each other, only time that one feels necessary to keep a friendship stable and healthy.

Seeing someone would be a friendship that you have prospects for more. I believe that you are more open emotionally towards this person and there is a greater level of interest building to intimacy here. You want that sign that you can pursue them. The motive if this would be to see if you can go further on to the next stage. I would say that stage is dating!

Dating would be two people coming together in efforts to spend time together. The purpose for getting to know each other. The intimacy level is increased and you see the person for what they are more and more. What they enjoy, what they desire. One would be qualifying the other, or each other, to see if a relationship is possible between the two. They seek compatibility. I would say at this point there is still no commitment because you are still in the learning process of determining whether you want to commit yourself!

I have seen many people date multiple people at the same time, "playing the field" if you will! Some say its healthy because you are not limiting yourself. I believe its not healthy because you can't focus a good amount of time on one person. You can't spread yourself out and effectively get to know everybody deeply if you're dating 10 people! Seriously, come on now! We have all done it in some way, shape or form. Is it right? I'll leave that up to you. Not going to judge anyone!

Then there would be the relationship stage. The commitment would enter here, or it should! Some people call themselves in a committed relationship and are actively seeing/dating/ having other relationships. To each is their own I suppose. Not judging there either. We all have our demons we have to deal with! Here is where intimacy would be at its peak! Someone told me that would intimacy means "in to me see". It sounds cheesy, but its quite relative. When you're intimate with someone, it doesn't mean that you are having sex. You are opening yourself up to someone. You are exposing a great deal of yourself leaving you vulnerable. That is why you are in a committed state because of the trust level with your partner.

I would say there are to stages that I don't quite know if should be included and where they would go if I would include them. That would be "friends with benefits" or "open relationships". I think we all what these are and what all they entail. These are stages for the "have your cake and eat it too" people. lol Is it fair? Is it logical? One could argue that if it works for them, fine! I'm not sure how to view it. I might of considered myself a part of this group, but I could consider myself as trying to stay far away from this group. I feel it doesn't build anything lasting and permanent. That's just my words.

Did I place the line in the correct places? Would you you have anything to add, subtract? Does it matter?

Pat On My Back!

Faced with a decision and being able to look back on it and say that I thought about it. I have a track record of doing things and acting on impulse and thinking about what I did afterwards. I am proud to say I thought about a decision I was about to make, as well as words I was about to say.

I see this as a positive result and evidence of change! I am making progress and I am Happy!

I'm Tired...

What can separate me from my blanky? (Don't try me!)

I need 3 hours, at least! I won't get it, SIGH!

A Breath of Fresh Air

I may have woke up late this morning! I may be at work with no lunch. I may still be tired, but when I walked out the door this morning, I took a breath of fresh air!

I really got no sleep due to people calling me at ridiculous hours in the morning, pissing me off time after time! I got my call to come in to sub-teach, without any difficulties, and I rolled over. I woke up 40 minutes late! I had a clever excuse so I wouldn't get in trouble, but I'm not going to make a habit of this!

I want to change my image. I want to make me look better. I want to be better. Yesterday, in more than one aspect, I took a shower. By the time I closed my eyes last night, I felt cleaner than when I entered the day. In reference to the previous post, I'm still looking for my clothes. I haven't found the perfect outfit to make me grown and sexy. Doesn't look like what's in my closet is old and not fitting me the way it once did. I may have to throw on a robe and go shopping! Let me stop with the metaphors before I confuse myself! lol

I came online to say I got a breath of fresh air!