Happy Streak!

Hey there y'all! Yea... I've hacked into the server at school and I've accessed bloglines.com. I wonder how much time it will take for the network administrator to catch on to this lil invasion! Ask me how I did it? I started trying passwords, after obtaining possible hints to what the password could be, and finally got in. After much poking around trying to find the blocked sites, I finally found it and lifted the block. Desperate to blog from work? YEAH!!! Blogging is my safe haven and forum of expression! I keep up with my friends here! I am kept in the "know"! I just hope is doesn't come back to me! On to the post...

I've been so happy for just a bit longer than a week, almost two. Ever since I let go of the hold that JJ had over me, I've been smiling! It's like I freed myself! I've had this energy about me that I can't even describe. I'm liking this mood. It reminded me of when I was in my relationship. I say that because I'm by myself and very much single. Before I can even imagine myself being happy in a unit, I need to be happy with myself and by myself. This is definitely a step towards the right direction.

During the past week and change, I've been on 3 dates, with 3 different guys. I've flirted with a girl and got her number. She wasn't exactly a great match, due to situations surrounding her, but I'm leaving her alone. She was cute too (hush up Shawn!!!)! Of the three dates, the 1st was a total bomb. His pops came into the scene and I swear he was about to give the guy an ass whoopin! I mean the good kind too! That, on top of the dog shit smell, was enough for me to leave the date prematurely. The 2nd was okay. He is cute, quiet, and dresses like a metro sexual! I mean he is masculine and masculine looking! His dress... single color, trendy, and old styles mixed with new styles. It was all over the map. Granted, I can't style and color coordinate well, but there has to be a balance! One of is has to be able to style! lol. The third... oh the third! I think he deserves his own paragraph!

I came across his profile, on the site that shall not be named, and was drawn in by one thing. He said "God Centered". I said, "hmmm!" I immediately thought this guy is going to be a queen! I did! What do you want from me? He wanted my phone number. I hesitated. I gave him my email instead. I have reservations about handing out my number quickly. Too many stalkers and crazies out there. He never emailed me. I eventually gave him my number out of curiosity and we began to text each other. I believe a day passed and I gave him a call. He was a DUDE! Not a queen at all! I was turned on! lmao... We talked and I liked the talk, the character and personality! So far so good. Last night, we met. I had some assertiveness from somewhere and told him to meet me so we could chill. We met and I had the drop jaw! Drop dead handsome! I had no complaints! He stands tall at 6'3", fit looking, short cut with beard, great teeth and going to be 26 on this Saturday! He stuck with me while I dried my clothes, we chilled at Dunkin Donuts sipping coffee and tea until about 12:30am! After realizing what time it was, I drove him home and exchanged a kiss. It was 4 seconds that made me smile all the way home! I'm feelin him. He's going to ATL for like a week, I might actually miss him! Searching for a codename for him... I'll let you know!

I'm still searching for my apartment and planning my party. No further details at this point but stay tuned... Final decisions will be posted by the 13th of March. Hope it comes together...

I'm on a high right now and I'm really enjoying it! Ojay, I'm off to read blogs...

Internet Blues!

I have no clue what has happened, but I can't access bloglines from my G1 anymore! My old T-Mobile Dash will not connect to the internet anymore. This results in me being blinded from the blog world. They've blocked bloglines from the school server even! I mean what the hell! I can't take it! They are forcing my hand at my job... I can't really do anything, but that's not the point! LOL Looks like I'll be calling Comcast and installing internet in my house! I was avoiding another freakin bill!

The apartment search is going somewhat well. I've checked out a few places. Unfortunately they either have parking issues, neighborhood issues or rodent and pest issues! I'm not beat for any of them! I'll find a place, that fits into my budget, and I will move in happily in my due season! I'm taking my time while I'm hurrying up! I wanna be in there by my birthday! I can see it now, Housewarming Party and Birthday Party all in one! Yea Yea Yea? I know... its a hot idea! You all are invited... I'll let you know where my new apartment will be at! I want the party to be on April 3rd! Stay tuned for details!

Ok, let me get back to searching for an apartment! Oh I gotta post my stuff on Mornin Manna! I picked up a digital camera, be on the lookout for new things on the cooking blog also! Its going to be geared towards easy, practical, tasty and speedy meals that are inexpensive. I'm on a budget too! I'm excited, new things are coming my way and I can't wait!

First I saw, Now I see

I saw and now I see. It was like a pure vision hat couldn't be mistaken. I saw me and him together having fun. I saw me and him running about doing what we do, together. I saw an "us". I saw potential. I saw improvement. What I didn't see was reality.

Reality let me see things the war they are, instead of how I wanted them to be. Reality let me see inequality. Reality let me see the other side of the equation. Reality shut my fantasy down. I wanted something real with JJ so badly, that I painted my own fantasy. Reality came along and busted my bubble. It echoed in my head repeatedly and loudly. I bowed my head, shed a tear and took a step. I stepped into newness and away from the pain I inflicted on myself by ignoring reality.

I can, and did, bad all by myself. What I realized is sometimes dreams are just what they are, dreams, not meant for reality. I don't wish to dive into my weekend's events, but there was one thing I never got. It was the only thing I wanted, a hug. I didn't really care from who, but I wanted a love hug. Something to express one's care for me! Soon enough, I suppose!

JJ and I no longer have a future. Well, at the very least, not a romantic future! I'll be removing certain benefits from the whole relationship, now officially known as a friendship, and removing him from my priority list. I was beat over him and it took a dream to reveal this to me. Apparently one of my friends cussed the life from him at my defense, calling him everything but a child of God! Truth was served directly in front of me and I woke up in the reality spoken above.

It's President's Day and I'm home. I think I ice cream is calling my name. I'm not sure which kind, but there will definitely be whipped cream, strawberries, pecans, cookies and syrup involved. What? I'm fat, yea I know, Get off my back! Food makes me feel better. Idk maybe this will give me the kick start to cooking on my 3rd blog. (I'm waitin for Twin's comment)

I'm looking for my very first apartment. I'm sprouting my wings and going out on my own. I'm on a budget so this will be a trial for me but I'm believing that things will work out. I have to, because if they don't, I don't wanna see the consequence. So, I'm determined to stand on my own for the first time in my life. It WILL happen! In the meantime of me looking for a place, I have three new house guests. My cousin and her infant girl, and a student that had no where else to turn to. I'm gonna probably have drama and much more to blog about. Its all good though, It will no longer be quiet around the house. That's good for Daddy! (gag)

I have a lot on my mind these days. Please pardon me for not visiting and commenting. I will make my way around to your blog, I promise. Just give me some time. Speed reading isn't a talent of mine! Lol I hope everyone's elses Valentine's Day weekend was better than mine was!

Hey Y'all!

Last night, after choir rehearsal was over, I sat outside of church. I sent a text to the guy. I'm gonna name him JJ. I'm tired of referring to him as "that guy" or "the guy I'm talkin to". JJ replied saying he was out. Never said what he was doing, I didn't ask. All I knew is that he was busy and for the second time, didn't have time for me. It's cool tho. The infatuation has faded and my glasses are clearing up. I'm seeing him for what he is and how he effects me as a person. I wanted to be with someone so bad, I clouded my own judgement. I don't think were a match made here on earth, let alone in heaven!

After JJ declined quality time, I drove home. I recently revisited the websites. It passes time and peaks my mind. It works! I saw a message from someone that really only tried to be a friend. Let's call him Shorty! What? Lol he's like 5'7"! Anyway, he was there for me before my mom died, and even came to the funeral. We met during that bad time in my life and I just dismissed that entire section from my mind, and the people in it. He was just an innocent bystander!

Shorty has been wanting to see me for some time now. We never really lost touch; I never deleted his number. He gets my mornin manna every morning. So, I asked him if he was busy and wanted some company. He said I could always come over. So I went over. Its about 11pm now. I'm tired but I was just lookin to be in someone's company. He provided that environment for me. I realized why I met him over 3 years ago... we had so much in common and had similiar goals. Attractive too! I was comfortable. We talked about life, momma, his momma, college, church, anything. Time flew to 3am and I fell asleep right next to him. I think I might of found my valentine's Day companion!

I'll keep you posted!

Progression...

Let me get some things outta the way before I get into all the other things. No I still don't have any plans for Valentine's Day weekend. I'm not worrying much about it. I think I'll treat myself to a coupla days to myself somewhere outta state. I might just sleep in all weekend and buy the next seasons of 24 and Smallville! That should get me through the weekend very smoothly. Get some comfort food, premake my dinner on Friday night and maybe even go shopping for some things I don't need to buy! My chill guy, the guy I'm feelin at the moment, I don't think feels the same way about me. It's either that, or he wont admit it! Either way, we're still cool. He's busy that weekend and I'm giving up on trying to make something happen.

What brings me to titling this post "Progression" is to my slight growth in dealing with my less than pleasant emotions. I've been dealing with a particular individual in the church. He's an Elder, or so he says. No shade, but you never know! He has been elevated to the position of the MUSCLE (Men United Serving Christ Learning Excellency) president. He has a habit of doing things out of order. From scheduling meetings to dealing with people, he is just so far out there. I'm not the only one that has a problem with this. I'm just the only one that has a problem that knows how to fix it and how things should be run. Aside from the pastor, I have the most experience in seeing how a church should be run. Then comes Elder! I just stay in the background for personal reasons. I don't want too much spotlight! Particularly speaking, I dealt with all of his personality and leadership flaws at one time on yesterday. I prayed and prayed to prevent my mouth from running too much. My mouth gets me into much trouble. But I said very little and was led to bring my issues to the Pastor. He assured me that things would be taken care of and not to let it discourage me from working diligently in the church. We exchanged hugs and parted ways. I felt better. The ways I would of handled Elder in previous months, I would of needed repentance. In my angered state, I sinned not! I'm proud of myself.

In the upcoming months, I'll have my own apartment. Hopefully sooner rather than later! Details will be given as they are acquired. New things in 2009 y'all! Stay tuned!

Valentine's Day is Coming!

I'm in a situation. Let me start off by saying that I'm moving past my infatuation stage. This ain't the honeymoon and I realized I'm in a scene of life that's needs to be deleted. I'm falling for someone who is compromising my morals playing with my heart and clouding my judgement. I want to be with someone so bad that I just settled. Settled for mediocrity. Building something that doesn't exist. Giving him power over me. I really fell for him! Fell down in other words. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice guy. He's handsome, vibrant, interesting, sexy, caring and more. He's also a jack ass (his words not mine), smokes, has problems (who doesn't but he has many), and at a stage in life where he has to find himself! I was attracted to my ability to help him. The possibility to be an influence on him. I'm giving up. All who I've confided in about him seem to not like him and the effect he has on me. I'm seeing what they see, but I don't want to. I like him! I still do! When is enough enough? I'm vulnerable but that's life... there's a time for everything! Right?

Going on to the actual post! Valentine's Day is my mother's Birthday. My mother died on October 23rd 2005. I've always spent Valentine's day celebrating with my mom. Exchanging gifts, going out to dinner, playing games and having mother son time. After she died I was with Shawn. We've spent every Valentine's Day together. This is the first year alone. I actually didn't even know Valentine's Day was coming. I was planning a shopping day, 2/14/2009 and I was reminded of the significance of that day. I was numb to the day. I completely forgot! Then I called around to find out everyone's plans. Everyone is busy, going out of town to have fun! I have nobody. Even the guy that I'm bent over is busy! I really need something to do. I want somewhere to go. I wouldn't mind someone to be with. There's a bit more than a week until the big day and I don't know what's in store for me and the big day.

An old friend, who happens to be a friend of the guy I'm talkin too (or want to talk to), said there's nothing wrong with being alone. I can't see the logic in that. 3 years ago I never wanted to be in a relationship. Now I'm so down that I'm not in one! Such a change has occurred in me! I just can't precisely describe!

Ok, I'm puttin myself in a deeper mood, so this is where the post ends...

Tax Season

I've filed for my income tax return. I was set to get me some extra money ever since my very poor return for the year 2007. Like a couple of hundred! I'm excited to have a much heftier tax return. I have been planning on ways that I can treat myself this year. I haven't decided on what exactly I'll be getting, but here is where my mind is:

Playstation 3 (double purpose, gaming and blue-ray)
Wii (I prolly will get this for my birthday)
32" high definition LCD tv (always wanted one)
Wireless Keyboard and mouse (preferably rechargable)
Bally's membership for 1 year (summer is coming)
Rims and tires for my car (tired of replaciing hubcaps)
Headlights for my car (time to return the blinding favor)
A few suits dress shirts and ties (I outgrew my old ones)
Dress shoes (I'm a church boy, I like dress shoes!)
Sneakers (chucks, forces or shell toes)
Jeans (nothing too exotic, I'm not really flashy)


Well this looks like it could be my christmas list! Lol I guess my lists are geared to how much money I have and how much money I expect others to spend! I will try to manipulate my funds to get the most I can while placing some of it into my savings account!

Oh, I want a digital camera too! Tired of takin pics on my G1! Lol

Be easy and later days y'all!!!!

Let me tell you!

On Wednesday, January 28th, 2009, I made the last payment on my car! Woooooo Hoooooo Yaaaaaayyyyyy. Its that serious to me. I set out for my goal and I attained my desired result! I've been good at money management for the majority of my 10 working years. There has been some tight spots but I've made it through with the help of the Lord and my family and friends. Thank you!

I've made a friend, "chill buddy" if you will. I put myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. I opened up. I took a chance. I thought I was making progress. So much time has passed and I've fallen. Fallen in a good sense. A sense of likeness, infatuation, and interest. Love is not a term I will let come from my mouth until my heart is ready. Hunny, its nowhere near sayin that, let me tell you! Lol days, hours, minutes and seconds have been spent together. It seems like a couple of months have passed, when its only been a week! I can't figure it out! How do you fall for someone in a week? Could I be ripe and ready for the plucking and didn't realize it? It's possible. I didn't think I'd be ready this soon! Hmmm...

I haven't been online in over a week. I haven't even desired to log on. The only thing that might bring me to click logon would be boredom, but I've been keeping myself busy doing other creative and productive things.

Why is it becoming easier not to jerk off? I had problems in the past with masturbation, in the aspect of it was getting out of hand. Public places, in front of unsuspecting people and the frequency was ridiculous! I've gone from 6-8 nuts a day to 2 or 3 nuts every coupla weeks or so. It has heightened sexual pleasure, when I do have sex, and I mean really heightens it! Lol I'm a guy with so much sexual energy I can almost let one out mentally! I wonder if I could totally quit. It would be nice to experience a wet dream!

Moving on... I've had more trust in God lately. I haven't been working many hours, but my checks are still coming in and I'm still taken care of. I'm learning how to be a cheerful giver in my tithing, offerings, and to people. As a result my God is supplying all of my needs. Heck, and some of my wants too! God is cool! :-) y'all should try him sometime!

Just an update letting you know what's goin on wit me.
Later days...

Question

For all the gay/bi/curious/dl/undacova/whatever you condiser yourself guys out there, have you ever had sex with a woman? if so, what are ya thoughts? if not, do you have any regrets or would you like to try it out? lend me your opinions... women can answer this question also by reversing the roles...

Take life slow...

Driving down a familiar path recently traveled, I find myself examining the signs. The signs of where I'm going, having the memory of where I've been. It's not easy, and I'm not even going to say it is. What I can say is I'm human.

I've made mistakes, so have the rest of you. I'm making mistakes, so are the rest of you. I will make mistakes, so will the rest of you. I'm not one of these people with a simple map of life laid on a table of hard crumbs. Pushing through the paper revealing life's struggles. I'm one of those people with a difficult map and bunches of crumbs on the table. I hear people say they roll with the punches. I've heard take it one day at a time. I've heard that you have to know what you want and go after it. I've heard countless pieces of advice from family friends and acquaintances alike! I value every piece of information brought to my ears, I DO!

I need to ask a question. A question that will serve as thought, and one that some might wish to answer. Why can't I let life bring what it will bring to me? In other words, why do I have to influence my future by forcing things to happen?

I want to end up at a certain destination in life. Why should I let life pass me by because I'm narrow-minded and focused on only 1 thing? When I dream, the contents of my dreams seem unattainable, distant and illogical. I'm not ignoring the dream, but I'm tired of actively pursuing it. I could be missing out on seasonal happiness. If I want a damn cheeseburger knowing I have a 5 course gourmet meal in 5 hours, why can't I enjoy the cheeseburger and enjoy my gourmet meal when it comes time?

I'm patient but I'm no fool. I have tried changing so many things around but what if the changes made were for naught? I don't wanna be 50 and bitter. I don't want to have decades pass and I'm still searching for a dream to come true. That line "dreams do come true" isn't always said. I don't wanna die in a fantasy that never became a reality. I want to take all that life has to offer me while the offers are on the table. Life happens. Things change. People change!

I thank my close friends for having by best interest at heart. Shawn, Twin, Nobody not Really, Docta D you've really been there! Thank you for your ears! I really appreciate you soooo much! Shoutout to Sexxyluv, that's ma girl right there! But you could sign onto gtalk a lil more often! Lol

I feel this has been a rant... I'm sorry! I have built up emotions from the past week and expression can be a mo fo! I can tell you this, I'm making a decision on whether I wanna see someone. It's a lot involving this guy and I'm trying to move past the infatuation stage to see the bigger picture of what and who he really is. More to come...

My thumbs are tired, I'll TTYL!!!