Sorry For My Brief Absense

I have not forgotten about my great readers and talented bloggers. I just have been a lil busy setting myself up for success. Well Alicia Keys album has been released and I heard a track Like You'll Never See Me Again. I was taken so far back into the depths of the song one night after listening to it over and over again. Here is what I wrote while I swimming in emotion:

"I sit here in my room,
Light dimmed and eyes shut.
Listening attentively to the melody,
Anxiously awaiting for the anticipated thought provoking lyrics.
Placed in a sea of thought from a river of possibility,
All revolving around love.
Some seek for a lifetime, and others maybe more.
Many give up and harden their hearts to future and present possibility.
Others find it and fewer appreciate and cherish it.
In a state of slight confusion, sadness, happiness, sorrow and appreciation, I sit here.
Heart beating with tremendous pressure, and every heartbeat felt all over my body.
Love makes you feel weird, makes you do crazy things.
It's just like energy; never dying, never destroyed.
Always being recreated.
I know what love is.
It lives and breathes and is a force that can keep you going.
What will you do to keep love? What will you do to get love?
I sit here almost brought to tears.
Have you found that person which was everything you was looking for?
I sit here ready to cry tears of gratitude, love, care and affection.
I have found that person which was everything I was looking for."

Funny Video of MrShawnQT

Some of the pics below didn't come out like I envisioned, But I still wanted to share them. They are from when Reg, Derron, Soldier and I went to DC. Enjoy!

I came across this while I was on a leisure walk with my pal Reggie! Tell me what you think about it!

On another note, teaching is going real well and I think I am getting a real knack for it. Trial and error are my teachers at this point! Some teachers are even giving me pointers on what to do and what not to do! GET THAT!!! I have been requested by 3 teachers for the month of December and that makes me feel like I am doing a good job. I have never felt so amped about a job before. I think I have found my place! Something that excites me, pays well, and gives me weekends holidays and the summer off! HOLLA!!!

I re-arranged my room. I do have to say I am proud. I have to get a 5' x 8' area rug and some curtains and a few minor odd and end things to really bring my room together!

I am reminded of the spirit of Christmas through mishap. I will not go into details but I will be trying to capture the true meaning of what Christmas and the holiday season is supposed to have. There will be photos and more to come.

I FEEL GREAT

Update; Sugar; Telephone

This will not be a random post but one of those posts that could really be three posts. I don't want to forget nor do I wish to drag this out for two to 3 weeks, when it has all recently happened. I will attempt to keep it brief.

There is much tension in my household since I have been spending the bulk of my time here. There have been arguments that have transpired about stupid things regarding his habits and comments that are said when he is on his high. I dismiss them because I do not feel like dealing with the ignorance, or his habits. As it turns out, I will be looking for my stable life sooner than expected. I need to get financially stable soon, because I need to move out before I become homeless!

I started substitute teaching in the Rahway Public School systems and I have to say the over all experience has been good. I had complained to Jay, Tyson and a few others by stating that the middle school students are "bad ass kids", and I meant it! I looked at the other side of that glass and I saw me being a nice pushover type of guy that kids will run over at every opportunity. This has had me somewhat of a backbone and hardened me to some degree. Now, I feel like I have some control over my classes. I have only taught in classes in the High School and Middle School levels. I have yet to deal with the younger kids. Wish me luck!

Church, Wow! I don't know how to stab at this one. I am almost in a place where I am about to become a spiritualist. I am tired of people telling me that I need to do this and I need to do that! I am Tired of the phoniness of the grand ol CHURCH OF GOD IN CHRIST!!! If it wasn't for the joy I got when I sing in the choir, I wonder would I even want to go into church! I have received word that my "Word 4 Today" is reaching more and more cell phones through networking everyday! I'm happy about that. I receive more gratitude and appreciation and testimonies of how the text has helped them in motivation, encouragement and inspiration. That warms my heart!

I talk too much. I have started being more private with things that should be private. I have reserved detail when talking to friends. I tend to say the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time and sometimes in the wrong way! Then I would be upset when people would comment! Well no more! You get the abbreviated version of everything that's regarding me.

On to the sugar! Ever want to tell something but you want to spare their feelings? You speak the truth but you state it in the nicest way possible. You just put sugar on it! The meaning or true feeling might have not been portrayed and communicated with this sweet version of the truth. I have a "no sugar" rule now. I say it like it is. If you don't like it fine! If it terminates a friendship, oh well! I am no longer willing to spare peoples feelings at the expense of my character being questioned.

Telephone; this should be good! I was thinking about something the other day. Has anyone ever played that game telephone, where you whisper something into someone’s ear to see what the message would be when it gets back to you? I made a comparison of that game to the Bible. Assuming that the authors were 100% truthful in their writings and their experiences and conversations with God, it was still written in another language. Now this is where it gets translated into what we know today as the Bible. This is what I like to call the first stage if telephone! Now you have the bishops, pastors, preachers, ministers and etc that base religion off of this book. They read, some study, and they interpret it and preach it to the hearers (church members, TV tuners, etc...). This is what I like to call the second translation and second stage of telephone. People in their situations will receive the word in very different ways, according to their situations and beliefs. This is the third translation and third stage of telephone. I wonder, “How much of what God originally said we actually received?” I'll throw something else in there, what if what was written was slightly false than what actually took place. The base of all Christianity would be in question!

I am done for this post. I had a lot to say... lol

TAG! The Blogger Edition

I got tagged by One Man’s Opinion The rules of the game are:

• Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
• Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
• Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
• Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. The nerves in my right thumb are quite numb! When holding a glass without a handle, I have to hold it with 2 hands because I don't know how much pressure I am placing with my thumb. There fore I will drop the glass!

2. For someone who can wear a size 13 shoe comfortably, I have very bad equilibrium. Sober I have trouble walking in a straight line!

3. I still consider myself a closet case. Don't let me see someone from church while around my friends, I will disown you!

4. I talk to much! At the wrong time, to the wrong people and about the wrong topics. (see next post about this one!

5. I have a combination of straight and curly hair that varies in color in different spots on my body.

6. I have flat feet! You think that would have corrected number 2 by giving me more base for support, NOPE!

7. I hate playing tag this way! I like other forms of tag! :-)

Tag You're It!

I Apologize

I just have been going through some things with me on the personal level. I have heard alot of things that were here say and not alot of actual statements. I have also heard true opinions and thoughts but without reasoning I had no base of understanding on the opinions and thoughts. I have had ill-thoughts towards many people and this was wrong of me.

X: I'm sorry of the way we communicated. What you've said to Shawn was based on your knowledge only and you reacted the best way you knew how to react. You were a friend to Shawn the best way you knew how. I'm Glad you are there for him and again I am sorry. You have always had my back in the past. I just had to get over myself to realize what was going on.

Jermaine: I realize that you are close to Shawn. I know that you have his back no batter what. I don't know how this situation applies exactly to that of you and one of your past relationships but apparently it does. You failed to understand that you don't understand the situation because you are not in it. I wish that I could make you understand but I can't and I will not try to convince you. I thought you were putting me on blast in your blog (you may have or not) but I took real offense to that. Whereas you didn't know the entire situation there either. We haven't talked and I was too upset to talk to you and I was just boiling over with anger. I was very dismissive and dismissed you without you even knowing!

Brandon: You have called me occasionally. Thank you! I thought you gave all of your time to Shawn and I was jealous. I was bitter. I met you, I felt you was my friend! Emphasis on MY! While talking to you was OK, I really wanted to spend time with you. Every time I wanted to you were busy entertaining EVERYONE else BUT ME. I felt left out. Sorry yet again, but I had to get over myself.

Dave: You called me once and after you found out what happened, you never called me back that I can remember. I thought we were close but I never took into fact that you are extremely busy with work and your own boyfriend. I'm sorry for not seeing that and passing judgement on you.

I apologize because it is right and for me to be bettering myself I have to let go of all that weighs me down. I hope you all except my apology in the spirit it is given.

I pose questions...

What do you do when instinct leads you away from logic? What do you do when you are faced with a situation and your instinct is telling you to do something that is completely illogical?

Why do faith and reasonable logic always clash? Why is reasonable logic almost always chosen over faith? Is it because of the safeness of it? Is it a fear of stepping out on faith?

How do you go about knowing who your friends are? Is there a test to give? Is severing a friendship giving up on someone? Should friendships be severed? Isn't life about building friendships and relationships?

Is there a definite 100% correct decision? Is there a 100% wrong decision? It may be good for you but hurting someone else! You may be already well off and step in front of someone who really needs that job to live that you are applying for and accept that job, You feel great about a pay increase, but what about the lil guy you just caused to be homeless?

Why do we render comment on others, when we fall victim to the same short-comings? Does misery love that much company? Why is there always judgement when there is a mountain of things for you to be judged on?

Why can't we just leave people alone? Why is there picking and meddling in other people's lives? Why can't people let people live? Why are there always questions asked that are always out of order?

I laid troubled under the cover on my futon in complete darkness wondering about everything! Absolutely everything that I could of wondered about in those 2 hours sat uneasy in me. I just had to let some of it out!

Is this good or bad?

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my mother leaving me and this ol' world. I asked the trackstar what today's date was and he told me the 22nd. I accepted it and kept my day moving. I stated I have to post tomorrow. Later on today I learned that today was in fact the 23rd. After finding out this information, little changed about my day. I was finally on my vacation having fun and enjoying myself. It wasn't how I planned my vacation being so far as finance, place, and company, but I am very satisfied none the less.

I wasn't saddened thinking about my mom. I was more bothered that I didn't think about her more. I always had this idea that I was supposed to think of good times instead of the bad. I thought of nothing. Am I moving past my experience? Am I forgetting my mom in a slow process? This is what I wanted in a way, to not be sad anymore. I don't think I wanted it at the expense of not thinking of her at all! I just don't know how to take all of this. Personal analysis is a big part of my construction. Could play a huge role in rebuilding me. I need to know why the sudden forgetfulness and its role...

Less than desired I guess

spot. None existed. I asked a gentleman, "excuse me sir, do you..." and before I could finish the gentleman loudly stated, "I I left the hotel room to move my car and my dventure begins here. I initially thought that i could just pump the meter with coins and that would be fine! GUESS AGAIN! I saw that sign that said no parking 7-9 or something like that and 4-6. its 7:03 and i need to find a parking spot. I found one but only had one quarter. That's not gonna fly. I went in search of a place to get some change. EVERY PLACE IS CLOSED! I walked around for a bit liking for a free parkingdon't have any money"!


I was taken back by this! What in hell do I look like asking some stranger for money? I'll just ask the people I know! :-) I had no markings of a beggar. a cell phone on my hip, car keys in my hand, less than runway Capri's, with matching Tims, and accessorized with a gold chain and gold ring. my fuckin ring was worth more than his whole damn outfit! Bitch please! I told the fool, ain't nobody ask him for any money. calm down and chill! all i wanted to know was there any place to park for free around here he laughed and kept on spraying down the sidewalk. You give these uncle toms a damn uniform and they act like they own shit! I have come to tell them all something different! I am disgusted and still don't have a parking spot.

Fuzzy Under Construction

Maybe this post will make it and stay on the blog! I feel some sort of wierd way. I'm upset at myself for not thinking this whole thing through on Friday. I'm upset for not letting this be a team decision since it involved both of us. I'm upset that in an effort to spare shawn and I more hurt than necessary, I sent out a mass text that miscommunicated my thoughts because I was yet still confused. I was most upset that I couldn't explain myself and wasn't quite sure if I, myself, understood what I did and why I did it.

I retreated to my friends' place for shelter and comfort. Little do they know it but it served as my hospital. Don't try to bill me either, send it to Charity Care! They were the only two friends who were presently still available to talk to and cry on. I tried to make sense of the whole thing for the entire weekend. I thought and thought, then surfed the net for suggestions, hints, info and answers. I've found a plan!

A new and improved Fuzzy. I plan on going through physical, emotional, spiritual, nutritional, financial and motivational changes. I'm going to give myself a COMPLETE makeover! I am determined to be changed. Some that I have shared this with don't believe that I can do it. My only goal may seem distantly far, unreachable, illogical and unprobable but why do I always preach and get preached to about faith and hope if I never put it to action. Faith without works is dead! Faith moves God to move for you! I would be somewhat of a hypocrite if I didn't try and step out on my faith. Some of you may be lost but I wil inform you when time calls for it.

I have finally (seemed like an age in time) spoken to Shawn. I have shared this plus more. I was so taken back when he told me he was drunk. I tried to act like it was alright but I felt it wasn't on so many levels. Please don't give up your morals and beliefs in a fit of pain and anguish. Funny coming from me because I do drink sometimes and wanted to get drunk but refused to drink while in that state. I'm surprised that the friends he was with alowed this to happen. Its whatever tho (sure I'll get a nice comment or two for that phrase)!

I'll keep you updated on my status and progress.

Not in digression, marching on with progression. I'll be new and better than ever!
Fuzzy

A Thought of Peace

While sitting here at the computer a song dropped into my spirit, Peace Be Still, by Vanessa Bell Armstrong. As I hum this song, I feel myself relaxing and entering a serene state. I open the song on youtube and it seeps further into my spirit. I read a blog about a letter with picture of a sunset. It takes me back when I would have this perfect view of the sun setting at my old house. I would sit there from like 10 minutes before the sun would even look like it was setting and just look. Something about it gave me peace. Maybe it was a symbolization of ending with a new beginning soon to come that granted me that peace.

Some may say, "Peace from what at that young age?" When I was younger, elementary school age, I was experiencing death and hospitalized family member and friend after another! Hurt, pain and exclusion. Wasn't accepted in school because I was a transfer student. Never had a friend click. I always was in want of something. Unlike many other kids, what I wanted was immaterial. That sunset brought hope that tomorrow was going to be better for me, somehow. I haven't watched that sunset since I was in high school I think. I am going to look for another spot to watch it in and wait for my peace to come.

"Come on with peace! Help me say peace!" What gives you your peace? How do you get your peace?

People Poll Questions

I'm not feeling too well today, but I am making it through. I wanted to post this last night but forgot! What do you love most about your body? I asked a few friends and I got a fair response. So I figured I would try it out here! Here are the questions:

1. What do you love most about your body?
2. What do you love least about your body? (I don't want anyone hating themselves!)
3. Do you believe that the body should be changed/pierced/altered in any way?

I love my chest/torso area the best! (I did change my answer for those who listened to me last night!) Its small but not too small. Its not defined but not overly defined. All it needs is minor work and grooming, lol, and its 100% presentable.

I love my feet the least! They are big and flat! They cause me problems at work and they make me cumbersome. They are high maintenance feet and I wanna swap them out!

I do believe that the body can be changed with modern medicine and technology. However, some things place your health at risk! You always have those people who are extremists and take it way overboard. This is my opinion! What is yours?