For Real?

It's amazing to me that obviously gay dudes believe that they are closeted and on the DL. I never was able to understand it! How does someone figure that someone doesn't know you're gay when you can walk in a pump better than they can, you can sashay away fiercer than they can, and swoop that bang better than they can. You're on the DL tho!

Now, I'm not the poster child for the masculine dude, but I'm not a flamer either. I have somewhat of an ability to turn the homo off. Most times I don't want to, sometimes I have to. I don't consider myself DL, but I definitely am far from out. Let it be know I can entertain a piece of pussy too!

Anyway, there is a coworker who everyone has code named fairy. He is too flagrant! He had the fuckin audacity to say nobody knows he's gay! I couldn't believe it when that deceit fell on my ears. Sigh, why do dudes deceive themselves with believing that EVERYONE can't see the truth. I just gotta go. That was my tangent for the day!

Just Keep Wondering...

The HoDown

My Asus

This is my first post from my brand new laptop! its somethinng I always wanted and never have really been able to afford. It's been a good while that I've been in this apartment and one thing I said I was going to do was grab another computer. Time went on and I thought I could get a desktop and after careful research I found that it was too pricy. It was almost a lost cause to get one for this year, but I grabbed one for an unbeatable $237, which is hundreds less than what I was expecting to spend. I added some goodies and extras making the grand total $487. I can't complain at all! I give God all the glory for that one, because it wasn't by chance or purpose that I ended up there, but I was directed there. I just love how God works!

It's an awkward place that I'm choosing to do this post, Trinitas ER, but now is as good of a time than any right? I dont know exactly what happened to me but I seem to have caught some kinda bug and has got my throat all messed up. I don't know from whence it came but it needs to leave. It could of been from a pizza that I ordered, but I dont exactly know. I got the sweats, the chills, no fever, neck pain and throat pain. I got rid of the fever, sinus pressure and headache yesterday, THANK GOD! Seems like God is getting his due outta this post huh! I'm here tho, and I just discovered that I'm going to be paying for a portion of this. They can hold on for awhile. Since they tried to get shady with letting me know i had to pay before I took the treatment, I'll act shady with their payment!

Updates are in order! Christmas is coming and I feel extra special festive. My lackluster thanksgiving left me with introvert feelings for Christmas. I dont really wanna be alone for Christmas, but I dont want my joy robbed by those that have a difficult time keeping their commitments. I just dont have time to be disappointed for Christmas. Originally there was going to be a Christmas party on the 26th, but I decided not to do it. I have to see what the church is going to be doing on Christmas day, and that will determine my Christmas night. The holiday will be 2 days for me this year! How great right? :-) Yup, I thought you might agree.

The gift list will be small and brief. Gabe, Nana, Jay, possibly Pam and Kita. Even though it's not about getting a gift in return, I didn't get a gift from them last year! Consequently, they prolly wont get a gift this year. Adult siblings will get $20 gift cards, and kids $10. Grand total of 120 for them. I'm going to attempt to get one of Gabe's dj thingy's repaired that he loves so much, he wont take a new one for some reason, maybe there's some sentiment involved. I don't know, I dont really care that much either. He's also gonna get a bag of underwear (socks, boxers, beaters and thermals) Probably about 2 packages each. He's worth that plus. Jay, hmmm I think I might surprise him with a cell phone, but I'm not too sure. I gave him another phone and he busted it so I'm not really so quick to buy him a new phone and I know he's not really going to use it. Maybe I'll buy him something for his Xbox. He loves his games, so that will put a smile on his face for sure!

You didn't really think I was gonna leave myself out, did you? C'mon now... For me I've got the laptop, LED 37" TV, Blue PS3 controller, 2 games, Xbox with 2 games, and at least 1 new kitchen appliance. Can I throw a new cell phone in there too? I do want one with a keyboard and Virgin Mobile finally came out with the LG Optimus Slider. I just need to find a decent sale and be ready when its available. I think that's about it. I doubt that I will get to accomplish all of this but I hope that I can get the things that will put a big smile on my face. I'm assuming that nobody will be able to get me anyything, that's why my list is so long. I dont have any problem with it being long and no hesitations in making it longer!

I've started looking for another job. It's a bit difficult looking for a great jobs when mediocre jobs are lacking in abundance, but we'll see how it goes. I want my nights back and my weekends back. I think its way over due. So many things that I love doing at night that I can no longer do, Bible study being the main one.

Side bar, a hour and a half later I am just being placed in an area to be seen by a Dr, with less than 10 people in the waiting area. Idk I guess I should be happy that it's moving along this swiftly? I'm glad that I ate before I got here. I do wish I had some rom temperature water tho, I'm parched!

Back to our irregularly scheduled post! I got my tooth filled last month and got a referral to get my wisdon teeth removed whenever I get off my ass and decide to go. I wanted to wait till after the holidays so I can enjoy my food! If I go now, I guess they could set me up with an appointment in January. I'm so scared tho. I've never had a tooth pulled and I hear that those wisdom teeth are serious surgeries! I would like it over with but I'm quite beside myself. I dont have any pain that I can compare it to! No broken bones, no resets, I'm in pretty decent shape! I've only had sprains. Not even a fracture, now that I think about it. I need to be sleep with massive amounts of pain pills to take my mind off of it. I dont wanna feel anything at all!

Did I tell y'all about my sex rating? As Gabe pleads, "it's only your ass rating!" Guess what it is. 9? 8? A 7 even? NOPE. He had the fucking audacity to rate me a 6! I got so upset. A 6? What in God's green earth? A friggin 6? Oh I didn't like that at all! I just can't understand. Why be with someone that you can't at least get a 7 out of the thing you use the most of for sexual pleasure? He claims my head is the answer and nobody sucks his dick like I do, but I don't know if I agree. I thought my head was good but he gonna place me at the best of his best? My ass gets a 6 tho, hmmm... I don't know on that one. A 6!

I'm tired and there is this old lady mumbling giberish and I can't inderstand whats going on. She done tried to bite the nurses when they tried to get some blood from her but she has no teeth! I laughed out loud! I'm about to close my eyes and take a rest because I need a quick shut eye. Plus, this post has become a bit lengthly for my taste. I don't like posting things that are typically longer than what I would read. Which is what I'm prolly gonna do in my spare time tomorrow. I have to do a few runs here and there in preparation for Wednesday's HoDown, but I know I should have a few moments to read blogs and catch up to those who read in secret. Thank you for continually reading. It means alot that someone cares enough to stop by and see what I'm up to. You all have a good night, or I guess i should say good morning!

Just Keep Wondering...

Unfortunate

Man, I just can't seem to get enough. Its one thing after another. Before I dive into dramas latest happenings, let me start off by saying I was supposed to have a great Thanksgiving approaching a super Christmas! Gobble gobble bah humbug! And a happy fucking New Year too!

No family this year for Thanksgiving. Different, but I'm rolling with the punches. This year is gonna be with friends and Gabe! Not so bad right? I seemed to have forgotten that my friends are shitty! They all have their plans and motives for pissing me the hell off. Not forgetting Gabe, he k owe how to push mu buttons in a while other way. From the Monday before Thanksgiving, my buttons began to be pushed. Pushed and pushed and pushed... and I'm worn out. Pushed one too many times. I arrived at the introvert hotel yesterday and I think I'm gonna stay there for a bit. Everybody is out to get me and I can't afford to have a crappy Christmas or any variety of a horrible new year. I am canceling my Christmas party because I don't want to be disappointed in the turnout, the spirit, the mood, or anything of the sort. I'm buying my own Christmas presents so I am guaranteed to get everything I want and nothing I don't. If I'm alone for Christmas, fuck it I will just be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a room of killjoys!

"Where is all of this coming from?" you may be asking. "This doesn't sound like fuzzy at all, what happened?" may be another question. Well for Thanksgiving I was expecting to see the landlord, Gabe's wife, a friend of mine, actually 2 friends of mine and Gabe. The friends didn't show and neither did Pam. Gabe's nephew was a last min addition to the mix. Gabe had to work and as soon as he gathered himself and walked the dog hehad less than 15 mins to eat and bounce. I spent Thanksgiving cooking and with a boy that wanted to play games on the computer. I was basically alone and I didn't like it because it wasn't supposed to be like that. So, I'm taking motions to ensure that. Christmas goes my way. How is it going to go? I'm not sure. Its on Sunday this year so its going to be a bit tricky. I won't have to work but I don't know if I will go to church either. New years I was supposed to be in Miami, but because of me being the nice guy that I am, that may not be a possibility. I'm too giving and that's gonna change too. Its better to give than to receive but I'm not receiving so I'm not giving. And that's about all!

Just Keep Wondering...

I never thought I'd hear it

Gabe and I went to the Village Halloween parade in NY. We brought the kids, Nasir and Porschea. We got there and it was crowded like I have never seen. People everywhere standing and not moving. The only thing we could do was dash into a store front restaurant, a pretty decent one at that, grab a seat and look from there. To our surprise, there was a huge flat screen playing the parade a they walked by. It was great!

We left early cause you know its a school night and when we got into Newark Penn station bus lanes Nasir opens his mouth and says we're a big happy family while giving us both a warm embrace. That moment made my entire year! I was just telling myself this past week that I was in need of a family.

Fast forward, gabe and the Porschea had a lil bout over her lying. Gabe done slapped the child in her face and she went to school crying and now they project born nigga minded momma said they kids can't come back anymore. This isn't the first time one of the two had a behavior problem and Gabe disciplined them and she had a problem with it. I was there for most of the times and he doesn't go overboard. I would like to know where you let people care for your kids but they accept them with an agreement that they wont discipline them. Even schools discipline in their own way! This bitch done lost her muh fuckin mind. They're her kids and I suppose its her final say. Now, its all her say cause she done either had to quit her job or got fired from her job and back to that project apartment all day! Well whatever. That's on her! I will miss the kids. Correction, I do miss the kids! I wish they were ours and she wasn't in the way, they would turn out so much better. That's just me saying that, because I know I would be a great dad, and I know Gabe is a great dad. Maybe one day I'll get a real honest chance to prove it.

Just Keep Wondering...

I Wanted Drama

There is so much that's attached to Gabe concerning his personal extensions, that when I try to explain it to people they get confused and wonder why I even bother. Lets share! I can't remember if I ever explained what the specific deal was before but here we go.

When I met Gabe, he had a girlfriend who had 2 kids, a wife that had 1 kid, a baby momma that has one kid of his and a lost child being kept from him somewhere in one of those southern states along the east coast. He begins to date me a few months later and none of the other extensions have changed. A few months later I move in with his wife, who has 3 kids of her own. She shortly moves out because of Gabe's level of influence over his wife's judgement. Her girlfriend doesn't know that they are married.

In the next couple of months Gabe's girlfriends son comes to live with us. Of course there are bonds formed between me and him and we grow close. I can't help it that I'm great with kids. The kids love me for it too! So we have him nearly to the end of the school year. Together we've worked wonders with his school grades and his attitude has changed to everyone's benefit. His momma finally got her things together and has her own place and some stability. She took him back and Gabe felt some sorta way. I don't blame him. He has been a father for the boy for quite some time and now she is acting funny because he did a better job than she did. Oh well!

Now at this moment, the girlfriend knows about my role and doesn't want her kids anywhere around me. Given Gabe's recent diagnosis I wanted to come by after work and see about him and check up on some diet things and get a shopping list together. I was I formed that she was gonna be here halfway into the route to his place. Obviously there was gonna be some kinda tension and I wasn't bothered cause I was coming over for him and not her. It was awkward once I got there and this morning he picked a fight over me leaving a bottle of salad dressing on the table. I put my clothes in the washer and walked away. I couldn't believe this! His reasoning was that everytime I come over I leave something out. Thats fine, but I pointed out that he dita the same thing and I don't get bent outta shape. I got angry and left to get a haircut. I came back ands he was gone. Everyone was gone. GOOD! He calls me later to apologize. I'm of the opinion, and it fours back to childhood upbringing, think about what you say before you say it! It took new a while to type this on a cell with no keyboard but I did it. Just keep wondering...

It's really happening

The majority of residents, nurses and a couple of doctors have classified him with having type-2 diabetes. At this point, we're trying to get his sugar stabilized using multiple methods seeing which works the best. I'm not exactly thrilled to see him treated like a guinea pig, but if that's what must be done so be it.

I'm looking at food options at the moment. Knowing that he's going to get all sorts of impatient and discouraged, I want to know what he needs in the event he says fuck it! I know him and he is very likely to say "i don't gotta put up with this shit." When they first admitted him I made a silent choice to act as the the momma he never had, the one that made him take care of himself.

I think I might change my diet to somewhat match his new diet. It would help me and help him at the same time. I've been trying to get him to exercise for a long time and now I believe I have finally gotten my workout partner! Again, this benefits us both. There's going to be many changes to his life, resulting in changes with mine. Not one to run from a challenge, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared. This is my boyfriend we're talking about! I am not trying to lose him before necessary. Several ppl have said if he takes this seriously out won't come to that, I respond with, "what if he doesn't?"

The 3rd day of this situation and I'm weary. I gotta rest my mind. But I think I have found a educational path to build on my current degree. Nutrition is a high interest point and it will definitely help me help myself and others. The future is going to prove to be very interesting. Here we go...

Just Keep Wondering...

I Feel Some Sorta Way

My bf has diabetes...

Moving Progression

Hey there all...

Man, it feels great to be able to type a blog post for some reason. I'm super stoked at the opportunity. Lately I've been doing so many things and I haven't had time to come update regularly. Yea, many of us have those smart phones and devices that think for us, but it's not the same as being able to sit in front of a screen and pound those keys and let those mental juices flow! So, here we go.

The job has been coming along great. I don't have any complaints. Its almost the perfect job for me. I'm busy for most of the day, always something to do in the kitchen you know, and I don't work 40 hours a week but get the cash for a 50 hour work week! It's simple, now that I've learned the menu. Most days I'm not due in until 5pm or after and I'm gone by the latest 12:30am. The best part of it all is the cash that I get when I clock out! Nothing better than coming to work and walking home with cash everyday, unless you don't have to come to work and still get the cash. I guess that would triumph over that. :-/

Gabe and I have been okay since the move. It's difficult to see him and time isn't really valued as it was but we're making it. I miss living with him but I don't regret stepping out on my own. This is something I needed and I wanted to prove to myself that I can make it. I can survive. I'm doing it too! YAY...

I've given twitter another try and have to say that I'm actually liking this run. I've deleted everyone that I didn't know, stopped following the shady ppl that had nothing but senseless commentary, and have added people that I work with, close friends and its working out better than all my previous runs. Good reports this time. I might actually keep it!

I got a new bed. I was loaned an air mattress until I got myself where I needed to be. Thanks Jay for being there for me! Now I got my bed and I am on my way to buy some dressings for it. I gotta grab some more pillows ya know, sheets, blankets etc. I'm going for a blue and black theme for my bed room. Blue is my favorite color and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to wrap myself in my favorite color! :-) While I'm on the apt, the kitchen and bathroom are mostly finished. I need to change the mats in the bathroom for color coordination reasons, I can't match to save my life! The kitchen needs some plates and a new pot ware/cookware set. I have the necessary items to do what needs to be done, but a cooks work is never finished. I wanted to get a magnetic rail and new knives too. I have travel knives so I wanted a set for the place too. A microwave seals the deal. After that, then I work on getting a couch and love seat, dining table & chairs, and accent furniture for the bedroom. I hope to have everything situated by the end of October.

Atlanta pride is approaching and I wanna go. I'm looking into arrangements now. That's all for now. More will come when I get hotel reservations and book travel arrangements, lol. Hope the job doesn't turn me and say I can't have off, it's Labor Day weekend so you know how hospitality jobs and holidays work.

That's about all, I'm off to buy bedding.

Just Keep Wondering...

Returning to Normalcy

The dictionary tells me that normalcy is being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning. I had to really ponder what was normal for me. Normal for me was having a job and having sufficient funds to live and comfortably, enjoying life. Normal for me was looking forward for tomorrow, not for tasks and errands to be completed, but to enjoying life, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of others and more. I hated my previous state of existing. It's not a bad state of existing, but one that I didn't care for. I would wake up and just want to back to sleep. I would get paid and feel like the paycheck wasn't worth my worth the time and energy put into it. I would go to sleep not wanting to do it again. and a few other things too.

Right about now, I feel my worth in my paycheck. I'm in a state of being that I can openly say I am well in. There aren't many things I can call my own, but the few things I can, I'm happy with. I've lost alot within the past year (car, license, furniture, clothes, apartment, friends, and a portion of my happiness). Some of which I am gaining back. I just got an apartment, I'm rebuilding my wardrobe slowly, one piece at a time and I'm growing closer to the friends I did keep, or should i say the ones that kept me. Most got an ultimatum. I am going to a certain place and I have a certain goal. If you can't align yourself or at least be a decent sidebar while I attain my goal, you're a hindrance and your presance isn't welcome around me. Many chose to dip off while others chose to stay. No hard feelings but I can't go back to where I was. Only building upward and going onward. ascending to new plateaus and grabbing onto higher levels.

Just today, I decided to go purchase a bluetooth earpiece. Couldn't do that unless I had the spare change to do so. So, it was a decent checkpoint for me. I'm looking forward to more moments of liesure.

Normalcy is returning to me. I'm happier. I'm one more stepp closer towards independance.