I'm really feeling a great kinda way right now, it's not a good kind of great either. I'm just trying to keep it together for the sake of this post, because it needs to be written.
Sunday, Friends and Family Sunday at my church, I woke up late next to the Mister. I literally threw on my clothes on and made my way out of the door. I"m committing myself to church. I have always had this mindset of what you do for the world you can do better for God. Despite how much you party or how late you stay up late, we manage SOMEHOW to make it to that time clock. Some of us have that same dedication towards spending money and shopping, but that's another story. I got to church and did my praise and worship thing and heard a word from God. Nothing very exciting for me to remember, due to my undiagnosed ADD lol! We left and made our way back to my place when it was all said and done in Jesus' name.
Due to the very late night the previous night, staying up till prolly 6am playing games, Mister and I were tired. We made a coupla stops, finally arriving in Elizabeth. I took 2 pills for a headache, which kept me up. Mister went back to sleep. Blast from the past Bermuda called me. It was cool to hear from him because I had been trying to hear from him for nearly a year. He was an old friend, FB if you will, and one of my first positive experiences with dealing with guys. We talked for maybe 45 mins. Then, Steven called. Mister was just waking up and was hearing the convo going on. It was friendly convo sharing experiences with fathers growing up, having children and a couple other things. This was a bit longer of a convo. All the while, I'm cooking dinner for Mister and myself. Convo ends and dinner is ready and Mister is ready to go home!?!
In between the food being cooked and Mister ready to dip out on me, I was texting my pastor's wife, affectionately known as Nana, about this girl I was interested in. I referred to her in a previous post as Brit Brit. Why don't you see where things go. "Obviously, you like her because you were flirting like crazy the other night", she stated. I was flirting, but not on a purpose because I had doubts of her interest in me. She then told me she was indeed interested. My interest was then peaked! I thought of how bad of timing this was because of me feeling how I felt toward Steven. I was at a crossroads. Then she started how she wanted kids, and I had to remind her of my status and how that was not going to be a traditional option for me. That led down a road of how I got it. Which led down a road of my sexual preference. Which led me into uneasiness. I'd always said that I'd keep that between me and God. I just can't figure out why this came out now but it did. I'm glad it came out on my terms instead of someone else's.
Now, mister took his coat off and we had a conversation over dinner on how we felt toward each other and the gray areas of our relationship/friendship and what we meant, and somewhat of what we expected from each other. It was one of those emotional convos because there were feelings involved. It ended with him leaving shortly after and I know he felt some kind of way because of it. I felt some kinda way after it and his feelings were more deeply vested. I went to lay on the futon and cried for a while. I was assessing all that happened so far and I needed an emotional outbreak and release.
I called Nana on the phone toward the ending of the release and she offered her comfort and understanding. She was not judgemental. The thing she said that mattered the most to me, keeping my status and orientation in mind, was "I love you the same as I did before". She said you will decide in your own time what you like and what you don't like. "I already know what you will choose but I'm not going to tell you because it has to be your choice made under only your will", she told me. We laughed at some things and she made me feel better and encouraged me to keep looking to God and praying. I obliged. Then, I took a 3-4 hour nap.
Scooter came back. I needed to let go of some things and Shooter was my new ear on a string! Thanks for being there btw. He came over and we talked, listened to music, ate, discussed coffee and kee kee'd it up till like 5am. Steven texted me as Scoot was leaving and then called me rendering me unexpected conversation.
I asked him why he was up so early. He replied, I'm pissin and I saw you left me a message so I replied. I told him I couldn't sleep, which was somewhat the truth, because I took the nap, had so many things on my mind and I wouldn't of been able to sleep and Scooter was over keeping me company. We went over what all was on my mind. I even told him about Brit. He asked me if my heart tingled when I was around her. He asked if I smiled as hard about her as I do when I think about him. He said that the only way you are going to successfully be with a girl is if she gives you that feeling that makes you wanna go above and beyond for her because of her. I replied, "How I feel about you?" He responded, "Exactly!". He encouraged me in so many ways it wasn't even funny all while saying I was an incredible man and He couldn't wait to see me. We went into sharing stories on the phone and I shared a wrong/right one. He knew I cared deeply about church and music, but I never told him I was a deacon. It came out. "You're a deacon? Why didn't you tell me that? I knew this was too good to be true! Daniel, I can't lay with you knowing that you're a deacon." It felt like someone threw a rock at my glass heart and cracked it. "I can't knowingly entertain commitment with you knowing you have a higher calling from God on your life. I wont knowingly cause you to hinder what God has for you to do. We can't be together." The final blow, my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I feel like since November, when I accepted this calling of a deacon, I've had more prospect mishaps and misfortune than a lil bit. I've been stood up. I've been on bad sex dates. I haven't had much enjoyment from any extracurricular area of my life. It's been disappointment and let down time after time. Ever since November, I feel like things around me have been manipulated against my will. Things that I thought would make me happy didn't. Things that don't make me happy no longer do the job. Sex sucks, from both angles, leaving me feeling incomplete and dissatisfied. I just have been going through it and I didn't understand why until Steven broke my heart. There's something that's bigger than what I want that is in play here and I've placed it on the back burner. It's not cooking and I need to turn up the fire and do what needs to be done.
I'm real heartbroken that Steven and I are no longer a possibility. I'm feel disappointed that Brit prolly wont have that thing that Steven had to make me go goo goo ga ga over her. Again, I have ended up alone and I'm just borderline depression. Depressed on how I see people with what I want, doing what I want to do without care in the world with every sense of enjoyment. My commitment to God is the rope that keeps me from going off of the edge and killing myself. There's a song with lyrics saying "God's mercy kept me alive" and I can really identify with that. If it hadn't been for God, I would of been consumed by my situations and I might not of been here typing today. God's mercy really kept me this far...
Just Keep Wondering...
