Mister came over last night against my wishes. I'm glad that he came because he prolly kept me from doing something I would of regretted. I had a fridge full of alcohol, a hard dick, a shattered heart, a car with gas and an available apartment. I don't know what all I could of done. I don't know what I would of done. All I know Mister came over and kept me from doing anything regretful.
He stroked my head, rubbed my chest I think. I was weary, a bit perplexed or confused at some points of the night. He held me in bed. He gave me company. I drifted and came to many times over the 4-5 hours he was there. Tossed and turned, roll after roll, I had a very bad nights rest.
I woke up to my first call of the new year calling me into work. I dressed myself and began to make my way. I had to drop Mister off. On the way, He asked me how I felt. I said ok. He asked if I was lying. I never answered. I was. I felt no better than I did the night before. I cried all the way to work. I'm here now and have been fighting back tears ever since I wiped that last one right before walking in the door. I'm real heavy and the students and faculty have noticed and asked me what's wrong. I tell them anything quickly, dismissing them from my face in efforts to prevent them from reading through my lies.
I thank you Mister for being there. You kept me from doing anything I wouldn't do in my right mind. I am truly not in my right mind. I just wished you being there made me feel just a little better. Truth is, I don't know what will make me feel better. I don't know when I might feel better. I just kinda wanna be alone and isolated. I hate being depressed, but I don't know how to come out of it!
Just Keep Wondering...
Just Keep Wondering...
3 thoughts:
Did I miss something?
Fuzzy, I hope that this missive finds you in better spirits. Depression is no joke, you must face it seriously, yes I've had a bout with it and couldn't figure out why until I faced my fears.
Good thing Mister was there to comfort you during the night, alcohol and depression doesn't work well together and you had keys to a car with gas in it, oh boi you were cutting it close.
Cheer up, it is always darkest before dawn. Just think a few weeks ago you threw a great party and was surrounded by friends, you even mended a friendship.
Mister's consoling did not have to be futile in fact it should have been effective and comforting. be strong and take good care of yourself.
I"m a little late, but i'm sorry you are feeling so down. I have a question, is the only reason Mister can't see you anymore b/c you're a deacon in church? Or are there other reasons? It sounds like you have A LOT going on right now! Between your feelings for Mister, your interest in Brit and your new position in the church. My humble advice would be for right now to just focus on being a deacon. You clearly did this b/c you felt a calling. Maybe God is trying to teach you something. Any distractions from that (male or female) can keep you from seeing what he has for you. But once you are clear about His plan for you, everything else will work itself out.
I'll keep you in my prayers babe.
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