2 Years Later...

 I can't believe that it's been 2 WHOLE years since I've thought to visit the place that gave me a freedom I needed. I suppose a catch-up is in order and what a perfect time than 2 years exactly from my last post. Let me tell you, it's gonna be a good one!

Last I wrote, I was in this place with a man named Robert. To be more specific, there was an entanglement between two men who lived on two different coasts of this grand ol United States. What made it complicated was how the ordeal started, who the entanglement involved, the disillusion had by some, and failed communications by all. Not to be messy, because I've grown up a lil, but I just want to move past it and wish that other involved parties would heal and reconcile. To give a non-descript summary, I met a guy who I wanted to date and our timing wasn't right. Years went by and then distance became an issue, but the timing seemed to be better that it was, or quite possibly could ever be. The horrible part is there was another involved guy who made me jealous enough to deeply pursue Robert. He was caught in the middle and well there were hurt feelings. We are still together until this day. While I would change some things I did to get here, I would leave it just the way it was if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today. While I believe he'll never read this, if he does... LOVE YA 😚

I'm still at Chili's. I hate being here, but I feel as though after putting 10 years into a company I may as well stay. That's if my job wasn't a pain in my back, LITERALLY! That leads me to some more grown up things. I'm looking for a new job that is less physical and will give me the same luxiourous cash as I currently get or more. Unfortunately, at my age my options are limited due to my education and experience. I've dug my own hole. Good thing for me, it's not a deep one! Uber Eats has become a great side job before the pandemic and has proven to be a great 1st job so far as finances go. If you put in the time, you will make the money. It's easy to give time to drive around delivering peoples food. I get to catch up on podcasts, listen to music, and have some alone time if I want/need. The fabulous part is I'm great at it and I'm a diamond level driver. I guess I forgot to mention that I get to go to school for free! and not just for a associates level degree, I'll be getting a undergrad degree in nutrition. Something I've been wanting to do for the last 12 years and Ive tried twice to do so and well I haven't succeeded. This time, I will strategically plan this out and I will finish. This is the chance I need to change my story into something I will be proud of. Something I can say I did. Something I can say I finished. It's my chance to give myself a good set up and I believe I have enough of life's wisdom so I can make better choices concerning my future! So, I'm going for it and well, another chapter is about to begin! Not yet though, I'm still typing!

I am good for having a car with some issues. Name an issue, I'm sure I've had it. I paid off another car in 2020 and I was SOOOOO proud of myself. I had some pretty pricy repairs done on this car and it was grim at one point if I was going to recover from the repair bill, let alone pay it off. It got done though, and I had the title to a car I had no clue I was going to be trading in just a handful of months. Yeah, I said it. I had another major issue and that was the straw that made the camel slip, lol! It didn't take me long to get into a new car as I was saving up for a new one anyway. I wasn't able to get the car I wanted, but I got a car that made me happy and well... its another Volkswagen. I can't get enough of the GTI. It was the first car I ever wanted. I had one in Midnight Club. My friend had one in high school and I wanted one then. When I finally experienced the fun that was VW GTI, I don't think I could ever not own one. I'm hooked and GTI is my crack. I can't get enough. It's what I wanted and its what I got. The 2017 autobahn GTI in dark grey. I've officially named it Shadow, after the hedgehog from Sonic. We will be on many adventures together, as I made sure to double up on my warranty! This one wont be catching me off guard, nope! #wisdom

I made a decision in 2020 that I was going to be a better adult and start to care more about my yheallth and finances. I've paid off some bills, collections and a car off. I've started the process of getting my teeth fixed and just began round two of that yesterday. My back has been greatly bothering me and I found out about some herniations I have in my back, so I started dealing with that. Covid has hindered me from getting treatments, but I'm going to reduce my own excuses for 2021. My feet also suck and I'm in process of fixing that problem as well. My wellness, mind, body and soul is what I'm focused on this year. I want to be happy all around and well, treat it like a spoiler if you want, but there's gonna be some moves made this year that make good for a happy Fuzzy. No tea concerning that today, I guess you'll need to come back to find out 😉. What I can say is, I plan on doing some traveling and quarantining when it's safer to do so. Who's to say what else is in store?

Speaking of happiness, HoDown's are on an indefinate pause. It's too risky. So much out there and sickness running about, it's better that I don't. The indefinate part comes from the happiness I have attained from not dealing with the horned up men who have no regard for effort given, sho no respect and have the audacity to look at me funny when someone doesn't want them. Anyway, that's a WHOLE other topic. The immediate benefit that I have seen is that I've been able to see my apartment and finally start to feel like its my home. I'm not sure if you might understand, but everyone has items they hold dear to them. Everyone has a life and possessions, be it small or large. I am no exception. Its rough to live some where and throw a party where lurky fingers and prying nosy eyes are scouring your home looking for opportunity on a weekly basis. Hell, sometimes multiple times per week! Putting your life away day after day, securing belongings anywhere you can to keep them is exhausting and started to wear on me. After letting my life out oof the closet, I'm relieved I don't need to put it back! It's an awesome feeling and I am not in any rush to revisit that past. Covid-19 may have indeed killed The HoDown. Fear not, Fuzzy is still around and my imaginary thoughts, ponderances and stories will live on! If anything, it'll be back later on bigger and better than ever, just not in my living space! 

I think I will end this post with this thought. I'm playing house and building a future with someone who wants a future with me. Where will this go? What does this mean for Fuzzy? Why must Fuzzy keep us in suspense? So many questions and so very lil time. Until the next time!

Just Keep Wondering... 

Rob Called Me...

... to say good night

I definitely got no sleep last night. All I could think about was how I could let myself become so involved with someone who is thousands of miles away. How Could I let myself get mixed up into this messy shit and feel this magnitude about it! Its a super "SMH" moment and 'm definitely not proud about it.

I took a shift on my day off to occupy some of my time that was just empty space wondering the most and thinking the worst. Before I went in, I tried to sort out some delivery foolishness with DHL and USPS. I ordered a contactless card reader, I think that's what it's called, and Square Inc sent it via DHL to USPS. I was sent to be delivered this past Tuesday and records show that it was actually delivered. Problem is, I DON'T HAVE MY PACKAGE! After calling number after number with DHL, I was finally referred to USPS to follow up with them. I sat on hold and was transferred to several departments and finally reached an automated recording telling me that I needed to file some sorta form online or at a local Post Office branch to go forward and expect to wait the minimum of 3 business days. That did not fly well with me at all. Then I tried to call Square back on my way to work and they wanted some stupid number that  didn't have time to pull over and record and enter into their automated system. So I was super pissed that you need some stupid number to get past some automated tele prompt recording to speak to a live representative.

So I clock into work and the BS happened immediately. There was a call out and they greeted me at the door with "do you wanna work tonight?" That's gonna be a super hard no! One of the servers is sick and can't come in. Said she was vomiting all over the place. Funny when my black ass was here this past Tuesday vomiting nobody gave two left shits about my health! You all can kick rocks in toe socks for all I care! In the next breath and sentence, "I hope she feels better though!"

After work I further occupy my time by trying to fix a botched up order from Office Depot. That's was worked out and now I'm on my way home. Then a couple I was getting to know from before sends me a message saying we're back in town, come meet us. I said Sure! Rob is doing whatever he's doing, I guess I may as well join the party. So I went. It was 5:30pm and I have returned back at home at 11:30pm. I enjoyed myself, tasted some great nut and will definitely head back, as they live only 3 blocks away!

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm so beat over Rob if I'm out frolicking with a married couple. I'm in the place where Rob has at least one of my heart strings and while I'm releasing tension and stress I'm thinking about Rob. I'm thinking about how can I expect sexual morals from him when I'm out here being reckless. I honestly don't know the answer. What I do know is that even after the awesome night I had, and the drinks that I drink and they even made me awesome dinner, all I could think about was Rob.

Thinking maybe I'll call him tonight...

Just Keep Wondering...

Messy

I met Rob back in maybe 2012. We had a personal meeting and then he came to a few of my sex parties. There was talk of us trying to be together but I was still with Gabe. I had this crazy notion of not breaking up with someone just to be with someone else. In retrospect, I feel that I should have done it. I might have saved myself much grief, but in exchange I would not have been the guy that he calls special at the current day.

We continued to be friends and sex buddies through the years and it was awesome. This past summer, of 2018, we were reunited. During this reunion, he was introduced to a friend of mine. Let's call him Hiro, because he's a bit awkward, lol! Nothing much was thought when Hiro and Rob exchanged information. Moving forward, in November things begin to heat up. I've begun to see what kinda guy Rob is and I'm extremely interested in getting to know more personal details about him. He fascinates me and I haven't been fascinated in a VERY long time. In the beginning of 2019, we made the decision to go forward in whatever "this" was shaping into. We're both excited and I feel as though, despite him living in California (yes i said it correctly California), I have a real shot at something I've been searching for. Then I get a phone call...

"Hey, how are you?", asked Rob. "I'm great babe, how are you? Whats up?", I replied. "I'm chillin. I need to tell you something", said Rob. I responded with, "Sounds juicy!" He said, "I hope you don't get upset. Please don't be upset..." I interrupted, "Just say it!" Hesitantly he says, "I've been meaning to tell you that Hiro is coming to see me next week." I asked why this was happening and he only said that he was visiting. I feel like because he didn't want me to be upset i had a reason to be upset. So I started fishing and asking questions. I asked if they were planning on having sex and the response was, "would I be mad if it happened?" Now, I'm mad!

He goes on to say that he doesn't want there to be any drama because he doesn't like drama. I'm not a messy guy but this has a great potential to get hella messy and I'm just not ready or prepared for this situation to south. As I'm prolly the only one that's stressed out and losing sleep and consoling with a bottle.

To put my feelings at some sort of rest, I communicate that he needs to tell Hiro that we are talking and how serious this is between us. We haven't established that we are together but we have agreed that that is what we're working toward. If he can't communicate this that there's no real reason in pursuing more. He told Hiro and there was no change or reaction or even any comment from him to me afterward and he's continued with his trip to see who will be my man. Or maybe that won't happen!

The situation has gotten to the point that I am the only one really who would see the most lost because I am the most vested. Worst case scenario, I get to see Hiro with Rob and see Rob not with me. This would result in me not wanting to deal with any of them as that's something that would cause heartache, because I am already vested. Best case scenario is nothing is actually happening in California between them two and they are just hanging out. Knowing Hiro, my mind is just playing the worst record over and over again! Makes me sad and makes me angry and I no longer have Jimmy to comment on the situation because he's the mutual friend between Hiro and I. He doesn't want a fallout with him as the innocent bystander. I understand it but now I'm left with blogger which in 2019 with my followers (if any) is a one sided conversation.

Rob is calling...

Just Keep Wondering...

It's been over 2 years!

I'd like to say that there are so many things to catch you up on, but there really isn't. I'm still an employee at Chili's. I still live in Elizabeth, NJ. I still drive a VW GTI. I'm still single. I'm still many things. So you might ask, what brings Fuzzy onlye to write us if nothing has really changed? Well, my friends have changed a bit.

Jay, my best friend, has decided that he was going to be super disrespectful to me a group chat with friends involved. I called him out it and I was called a bitch. He then decided that he was going to ignore me for two months and talk shit about me to our mutual friend in UK. I don't have any alleged proof of this "shit talk", but when we had our conversation he was completely aware of what was happening.

Black Travis, my roommate, is drinking at most times when i need a friend and winds up falling asleep when I need to get some words in. Ahhh... y'all don't know... I got a roommate and well that's that! Maybe more to share at a later time.

Jimmy, who has grown to be one of my closest friends, has chosen to become neutral in a romantic matter I am having with someone in California who may or may not be involved with a mutual friend of ours. This, my readers, is why I am up at almost 2am in the morning typing.

More to come in a series of posts to be published at 2am each day over the course of the next week. Until then...

Just Keep Wondering...

Birthday suit thought

It's 3:14am. I just watched the latest episode of This Is Us and there was a short moment where I saw a moment that would never exist. Triplets, one adopted black child, sat in an emergency room and kept it real with each other. The camera zoomed out and I saw what I wish was my siblings. As dysfunctional as they are, they are honest at the very least.

My brothers don't know I like guys. Only one brother knows I'm positive. I have 4, in case if you were wondering. I often thought, what would life be like if I just came out. I know some may say, it's 2017 and nobody cares. Those who might say that don't have my potential losses at hand. My brother is a assistant Pastor. I'm a minister. My uncle is a pastor. My cousin is a national evangelist. Public humiliation, exile, discommunication, among the names I'd be called? If I had a closer more tradable family as a substitute, then maybe I'd risk it. As of now, if those terrible things occurred, I'd be alone. I mean alone is what I am now, but alone is deff what I'd be if shit went south.

You're probable judging me for being a minister and all of my dealings here. It's cool, make sure you judge yourself before you judge me. Keep in mind that in God's eyes, wrong is wrong and there's no scale to the wrongness. I have to let these things out to become a better me. If not, these expressions turn into something severely unhealthy. Then rash unexpected outbursts happen. Next thing you know, people are looking at me like, "what's wrong with him? " Moving onward...

I can't help but ponder what lies in the works for my siblings' relationships in the future. I think we're so dysfunctional it's beyond repair. Who's to say tho?

Just Keep Wondering...

Kind Words Aren't Forgotten

Thank you so much, if you ever decide to read this, know I appreciate you

Saying goodbye...

Jason, I've known you for 4 years. You were with me when I moved down to Philly and back. You seen me through a move in Elizabeth and helped me with all those boxes. I remember the times when you watched me as i slept in between those shifts, and even when I was stranded a couple times without a bed. You kept me company in my travels down south and back those countless times. Ah...memories!

It's going to be hard to say goodbye. I'll member all the times I rode you and every time you got to come on time. There will never be another Jason. I'm crying thinking about how I'll never stick it in your rear ever again, or how you sounded when I touched you in those places. It's just too hard...

I don't wanna say goodbye, especially after we've been through so many things. I don't want you to see the tears in my eyes, so I gotta say goodbye...

Jason "05 VW GTI"
2/2013-1/2017

Just Keep Wondering...

Happy New Year

I wish to take the time to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and a prosperous one at that! I hope your holidays were great, Christmas was awesome and time spent with family and loved ones were awesome.

My thanksgiving was one for the books. I usually spend my turkey day with my brother's family. I eat, put up with being straight for family, deal with whatever football game is on and explain why my girlfriend isn't here. This year, I watched movies and ate dinner at my first lady's (pastor's wife) house with very few people. No lavish food, none of mom's sweet potato pie, no special cakes, nothing. After I went home and life resumed without any significant marks. My thoughts were, Christmas will be better. Lemme tell you...

Christmas this year was also one for the books. I usually spend it with my nieces and they make me forget that I'm broken on the inside and I show my love and strong points externally to keep up the holidays for them. Gifts are exchanged, there's a 2.5 hour trip filled with gospel celebration there and back, awesome food, brother time, sister time and then work 2 days after. Christmas is always Christmas eve, Christmas, and the day after. This year, I needed to speak at my church on Christmas day and work the day before and day after. There was no Christmas for me. I sat here at home, invited those that told me they were having a slow Christmas also, and waited for them to come. 2 came, one was on the phone the majority of the time, the other tried to hit on me. Sad, I know! They all left and I'm home with my phone and tv. Christmas is now over.

New Year's comes and I have worked all of New Year's Eve then went to church directly after. Stayed there with good convo until 4am. Prolly, though it may seem minimal, this day was highlight of the holidays. Most fun I've had and it was just talking. Yet it seemed so uneventful. Later on, I had a game night at 7pm. All was well until some questions came up about Britney's birthday this past summer. Britney is the girl who I thought was gonna be my actual wife someday. I got some answers concerning unresolved feelings that left me uneasy. Then follow up texts the next day show that the wife thing ain't gonna happen. Not much of a gambler, and really shy. So, she was my only female prospect and the only woman I've actually been attracted to for years. A bit devastated under the cover, but the supporting friend on top.

In the midst of the holidays, Jose comes along. He's my prince from Venezuela. He comes in, handsome and caring, wearing a genuine facade, making me believe he likes me. In reality, he's made his way into my heart, made me speak his language, and fall for him when he's got a family already. Yea, I said it! Married with a 9 y/o daughter. I said there was something wrong with him and he was too good to be true, and he was. He is either going to use me for a green card or to hide out from immigration. He gave me false hope and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe was giving me back some good energy. Damn, I was wrong as hell!

I'm left feeling used, and thinking on how abused and used I'd been in times past. Maybe it's meant for me to be single. Maybe it's not in the cards for me to have kids. Maybe happiness died with my mom on October 23rd, 2005. Maybe I should just stop trying? Gabe turned my optimistic character into that of a pessimist. Time apart, I mean years apart, has started to restore my ability to see the glass as half full. I gotta be honest, I feel like the glass is almost empty.

In current times, I believe there's no man for me. There's no woman that would want me. A hiv positive, somewhat bisexual, who is barely independent, and thinly holding himself together. It doesn't matter what good I have to offer, people look at my hiv status and keep it moving. The plague is still real and quite a hindrance. I don't know if giving up is the way, but it deff  seems like the easier way. No more trying, no more crying, no more struggling, no more failing, no more hurting, no more anything!

It's 2017. While everybody else said happy New year, I faked it. Fuck this new year! What the hell is so special about it? Why should everybody be all excited? Another chance to do what they tried to do in 2016, and maybe many previous years also, but failed? #FOH A new year, another chance to fail just like the rest of the years. I know that's not even the attitude to have, but it's how I feel. I have low expectations from this year, and I don't think I'll make it though. However, there's one thing I know to be true, time tells all things.

Just Keep Wondering...

FML

So, I got into a car accident while visiting Atlanta for black gay pride. The incident almost ruins my weekend. Set scene... Guy hits me. I call police. Guy tells police that I hit him. Now we both get tickets and gotta fight it out. My 23rd time to Atlanta and my case is now dismissed and my perfect driving record is kept in tact. That's the happy ending tho.

The precursor to the finale includes a host of car issues an a robbery. Yea, on the way down to the lovely Atl, my car begins to shake and shimmy in Virginia outta the clear blue. Being concerned for the car and the safety of all parties riding, I decide that it's best to continue travels behind the wheel unassisted. Then we arrive safely and lo and behold, the car over heats! I leave my car and go to a nearby auto parts store and return within 45 mins to discover my car was broken into and battery stolen. Now stranded with little emergency funds and a damaged vehicle, I'm at my wits end without money and a return home plan. I find out that my tow service only covers me for 5 miles and I have to pay for the remaining 9 miles of the tow. Facing a possible vehicle abandonment in Georgia, I am preparing myself for the worst. I got drunk, passed out and readied myself for court in the morning. So now I have sorta beat the charges but may still need to pay the deductible. I won a battle, the war is still at large. So now the car. I got the money from big bro that always has my back in these times of auto trouble. And he bailed me outta the bind. I got the parts and now everything seems to be aligning properly. Ever so grateful...

Now it's time to get the window that was broken outta my car fixed and make my way to effectively be a thot. I need a manly distraction from these last 2 days! Being on the bodies and the booze!

Just keep wondering...

Get Back To My Baby

Watching this video, I realized that it's been so many years since I've had the particular feeling that Vivian is feeling here. Can't wait until it comes along again.