I never thought I'd hear it

Gabe and I went to the Village Halloween parade in NY. We brought the kids, Nasir and Porschea. We got there and it was crowded like I have never seen. People everywhere standing and not moving. The only thing we could do was dash into a store front restaurant, a pretty decent one at that, grab a seat and look from there. To our surprise, there was a huge flat screen playing the parade a they walked by. It was great!

We left early cause you know its a school night and when we got into Newark Penn station bus lanes Nasir opens his mouth and says we're a big happy family while giving us both a warm embrace. That moment made my entire year! I was just telling myself this past week that I was in need of a family.

Fast forward, gabe and the Porschea had a lil bout over her lying. Gabe done slapped the child in her face and she went to school crying and now they project born nigga minded momma said they kids can't come back anymore. This isn't the first time one of the two had a behavior problem and Gabe disciplined them and she had a problem with it. I was there for most of the times and he doesn't go overboard. I would like to know where you let people care for your kids but they accept them with an agreement that they wont discipline them. Even schools discipline in their own way! This bitch done lost her muh fuckin mind. They're her kids and I suppose its her final say. Now, its all her say cause she done either had to quit her job or got fired from her job and back to that project apartment all day! Well whatever. That's on her! I will miss the kids. Correction, I do miss the kids! I wish they were ours and she wasn't in the way, they would turn out so much better. That's just me saying that, because I know I would be a great dad, and I know Gabe is a great dad. Maybe one day I'll get a real honest chance to prove it.

Just Keep Wondering...

I Wanted Drama

There is so much that's attached to Gabe concerning his personal extensions, that when I try to explain it to people they get confused and wonder why I even bother. Lets share! I can't remember if I ever explained what the specific deal was before but here we go.

When I met Gabe, he had a girlfriend who had 2 kids, a wife that had 1 kid, a baby momma that has one kid of his and a lost child being kept from him somewhere in one of those southern states along the east coast. He begins to date me a few months later and none of the other extensions have changed. A few months later I move in with his wife, who has 3 kids of her own. She shortly moves out because of Gabe's level of influence over his wife's judgement. Her girlfriend doesn't know that they are married.

In the next couple of months Gabe's girlfriends son comes to live with us. Of course there are bonds formed between me and him and we grow close. I can't help it that I'm great with kids. The kids love me for it too! So we have him nearly to the end of the school year. Together we've worked wonders with his school grades and his attitude has changed to everyone's benefit. His momma finally got her things together and has her own place and some stability. She took him back and Gabe felt some sorta way. I don't blame him. He has been a father for the boy for quite some time and now she is acting funny because he did a better job than she did. Oh well!

Now at this moment, the girlfriend knows about my role and doesn't want her kids anywhere around me. Given Gabe's recent diagnosis I wanted to come by after work and see about him and check up on some diet things and get a shopping list together. I was I formed that she was gonna be here halfway into the route to his place. Obviously there was gonna be some kinda tension and I wasn't bothered cause I was coming over for him and not her. It was awkward once I got there and this morning he picked a fight over me leaving a bottle of salad dressing on the table. I put my clothes in the washer and walked away. I couldn't believe this! His reasoning was that everytime I come over I leave something out. Thats fine, but I pointed out that he dita the same thing and I don't get bent outta shape. I got angry and left to get a haircut. I came back ands he was gone. Everyone was gone. GOOD! He calls me later to apologize. I'm of the opinion, and it fours back to childhood upbringing, think about what you say before you say it! It took new a while to type this on a cell with no keyboard but I did it. Just keep wondering...

It's really happening

The majority of residents, nurses and a couple of doctors have classified him with having type-2 diabetes. At this point, we're trying to get his sugar stabilized using multiple methods seeing which works the best. I'm not exactly thrilled to see him treated like a guinea pig, but if that's what must be done so be it.

I'm looking at food options at the moment. Knowing that he's going to get all sorts of impatient and discouraged, I want to know what he needs in the event he says fuck it! I know him and he is very likely to say "i don't gotta put up with this shit." When they first admitted him I made a silent choice to act as the the momma he never had, the one that made him take care of himself.

I think I might change my diet to somewhat match his new diet. It would help me and help him at the same time. I've been trying to get him to exercise for a long time and now I believe I have finally gotten my workout partner! Again, this benefits us both. There's going to be many changes to his life, resulting in changes with mine. Not one to run from a challenge, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared. This is my boyfriend we're talking about! I am not trying to lose him before necessary. Several ppl have said if he takes this seriously out won't come to that, I respond with, "what if he doesn't?"

The 3rd day of this situation and I'm weary. I gotta rest my mind. But I think I have found a educational path to build on my current degree. Nutrition is a high interest point and it will definitely help me help myself and others. The future is going to prove to be very interesting. Here we go...

Just Keep Wondering...

I Feel Some Sorta Way

My bf has diabetes...

Moving Progression

Hey there all...

Man, it feels great to be able to type a blog post for some reason. I'm super stoked at the opportunity. Lately I've been doing so many things and I haven't had time to come update regularly. Yea, many of us have those smart phones and devices that think for us, but it's not the same as being able to sit in front of a screen and pound those keys and let those mental juices flow! So, here we go.

The job has been coming along great. I don't have any complaints. Its almost the perfect job for me. I'm busy for most of the day, always something to do in the kitchen you know, and I don't work 40 hours a week but get the cash for a 50 hour work week! It's simple, now that I've learned the menu. Most days I'm not due in until 5pm or after and I'm gone by the latest 12:30am. The best part of it all is the cash that I get when I clock out! Nothing better than coming to work and walking home with cash everyday, unless you don't have to come to work and still get the cash. I guess that would triumph over that. :-/

Gabe and I have been okay since the move. It's difficult to see him and time isn't really valued as it was but we're making it. I miss living with him but I don't regret stepping out on my own. This is something I needed and I wanted to prove to myself that I can make it. I can survive. I'm doing it too! YAY...

I've given twitter another try and have to say that I'm actually liking this run. I've deleted everyone that I didn't know, stopped following the shady ppl that had nothing but senseless commentary, and have added people that I work with, close friends and its working out better than all my previous runs. Good reports this time. I might actually keep it!

I got a new bed. I was loaned an air mattress until I got myself where I needed to be. Thanks Jay for being there for me! Now I got my bed and I am on my way to buy some dressings for it. I gotta grab some more pillows ya know, sheets, blankets etc. I'm going for a blue and black theme for my bed room. Blue is my favorite color and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to wrap myself in my favorite color! :-) While I'm on the apt, the kitchen and bathroom are mostly finished. I need to change the mats in the bathroom for color coordination reasons, I can't match to save my life! The kitchen needs some plates and a new pot ware/cookware set. I have the necessary items to do what needs to be done, but a cooks work is never finished. I wanted to get a magnetic rail and new knives too. I have travel knives so I wanted a set for the place too. A microwave seals the deal. After that, then I work on getting a couch and love seat, dining table & chairs, and accent furniture for the bedroom. I hope to have everything situated by the end of October.

Atlanta pride is approaching and I wanna go. I'm looking into arrangements now. That's all for now. More will come when I get hotel reservations and book travel arrangements, lol. Hope the job doesn't turn me and say I can't have off, it's Labor Day weekend so you know how hospitality jobs and holidays work.

That's about all, I'm off to buy bedding.

Just Keep Wondering...

Returning to Normalcy

The dictionary tells me that normalcy is being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning. I had to really ponder what was normal for me. Normal for me was having a job and having sufficient funds to live and comfortably, enjoying life. Normal for me was looking forward for tomorrow, not for tasks and errands to be completed, but to enjoying life, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of others and more. I hated my previous state of existing. It's not a bad state of existing, but one that I didn't care for. I would wake up and just want to back to sleep. I would get paid and feel like the paycheck wasn't worth my worth the time and energy put into it. I would go to sleep not wanting to do it again. and a few other things too.

Right about now, I feel my worth in my paycheck. I'm in a state of being that I can openly say I am well in. There aren't many things I can call my own, but the few things I can, I'm happy with. I've lost alot within the past year (car, license, furniture, clothes, apartment, friends, and a portion of my happiness). Some of which I am gaining back. I just got an apartment, I'm rebuilding my wardrobe slowly, one piece at a time and I'm growing closer to the friends I did keep, or should i say the ones that kept me. Most got an ultimatum. I am going to a certain place and I have a certain goal. If you can't align yourself or at least be a decent sidebar while I attain my goal, you're a hindrance and your presance isn't welcome around me. Many chose to dip off while others chose to stay. No hard feelings but I can't go back to where I was. Only building upward and going onward. ascending to new plateaus and grabbing onto higher levels.

Just today, I decided to go purchase a bluetooth earpiece. Couldn't do that unless I had the spare change to do so. So, it was a decent checkpoint for me. I'm looking forward to more moments of liesure.

Normalcy is returning to me. I'm happier. I'm one more stepp closer towards independance.

I'm almost at my wits end

Why can't NJTransit ever get you where you need to be at the time that they said you will be there? I have yet to ride a bus that came on time, or got to its destination on time. I really can't take it. I was trying to make a connection between a bus and a train. The bus was early to the stop i was supposed to catch it at and got me to my destination 14 minutes after the scheduled time of arrival. ugghhhhh....

I'm on my way to church, and put more than reasonable effort to going to an optional service. This thing ruined my whole evening. it really did and I'm in a severely grouchy mood because I couldn't make it. All I want to do now is go to sleep. I can't get out to my church outings like i want to because of work. So, when I'm off and can get to one i really try. Now you might say why didn't you catch the next thing running? The train I was catching was an express and woulda got me there just in time for me to be less than fashionably late while the later train wouldn't get me into the area until 1 hour after service started. I would then need to still get there. I would only get there around the time service would be about to start winding up. Did I mention I had an 11 year old with me? I think he was more disappointed than I was!

My day was going so well and now it's just not. I'm just sad...

New Apartment

I'm at the place that's to the left. Thanks google! :-)


View Larger Map

Here are some pics of the place

And finally a video of the place

Mind Chain

I'm unreasonable in the idea that I shouldn't have to always clean up after a 40+ year old woman, her 17 year old daughter, the daughters 18 year old boyfriend, and whatever company they choose to have over the house. I'm unreasonable because I chose to not clean a sink that I did not leave dirty.

I'm a slob because I didn't clean an area that I didn't mess up. I'm a slob because I didn't do what was necessary to keep the place that I stay in presentable, because I felt like people should clean up behind themselves. I'm a slob because I don't think of anyone besides myself when I don't clean things because other people have to look at what I didn't clean up after someone else.

I'm a bitch because I didn't say anything about it. I'm a bitch because I say something about it. I'm a bitch when I do something about it. I'm a bitch when I don't do anything about it.

Does the same hold when I come home from work and clean up after everyone that chose to leave things everywhere? NO, it doesn't! Do I seek recognition when I go out of my way to maintain clean standards when everybody maintains a level of filth? NO, I don't! Let me decide for one moment that I'm going to let the people that mess things up clean things up and me stand aside, I'm a slob and a bitch. Guess what? I'm over it!

You wanna throw my shit out on the curb because I don't clean a sink? Cool, that saves me from moving it outside. You think we need a break cause I use logic and you are pig-headed? You always said if I don't like how things are going I could beat it right? Well my fingerprints will be on that door soon enough. I can't believe it's come to this over a sink. It's incredible! I'm tired of being shown the door. I'm tired of being offered the invitation to leave everyday when I question things about the space we live in. Trust and believe, I wont be going through it for much longer!

I think I'm just about over being your roommate. I'm leaving, I'm leaving! Don't matter if you wanna come dude be easy! I'm leaving! I don't know whether it's over but there's a cloudy sky over my relationship and I'm terrified. I don't want it to be over...

Just Keep Wondering...

Branching out again

I applied for housing some time ago. I've been living with Gabe and his friend for quite some time now and conditions of guaranteed housing are nonexistent. I just want some type of fall back just in case.

Living with Gabe has been interesting. I don't take back any  day because they all have served as a learning experience. I wanted him to move with me and he declined. He needs space, time to himself and a couple of other things. That leaves me to be on my own again. While I frowned on living with ya lover before, I grew attached to the idea. Not saying this move is young to happen over night or even in the near future, but to know I'm gonna be moving and he isn't coming is gonna be a downer.

Branching out yet again, looking towards new beginnings. So far 2011 is a bit bittersweet. No car, but an opportunity to save so I can get one. A good job, that is positioning me awkwardly for church. I think I might take an hiatus from church until transportation is worked out. Kinda ehhh but good things on the horizon.

Just Keep Wondering...