An Update!

I would say, to me, this would be more of my more important but seemingly more meaningless posts. I don't know, but I just felt the need to note my progress. There have been a few things that have been going on in my life that I haven't mentioned, outside of my emotional being.

As of August 28, 2008, I have been employed for Kohl's Department Stores. The significance of this, is a few-fold. My goal for the latter end of 2008 is to have two jobs. I have set financial goals ahead of me that, must be accomplished before the ball drops. Paying off my car, paying money back to the people that helped me out when I was struggling, getting my car fixed and ready for the winter and more.

How I got the job was, in itself, a blessing. I applied online 2 times, for 4 positions. I never received a call back. I was wondering why I never got call backs, hmmm. Mrs. Bitch's husband got called for an interview. Hmmm again! I was feeling a sort of way. I mean really! How do I have so much retail experience and not at least get a call! Moving on, I had to take him to his interview. I get there and they ask me if I was a walk-in. I thought this is my chance to get my foot in there. I did more than get my foot in that day! Not only was I offered a job, but I was offered a job that was not to be filled by a New Hiree. I was hired as the Ad Set Supervisor! That's more money! :)

Not only was I blessed with a job, but a part-time job, with much needed benefits, that works with my school schedule and my job working as a substitute teacher. This was like a perfect fit for me! To think if I had of wallowed in my ways and never took the guy to his interview, I would of not been placed in a position for my blessing!

I paid 2 months of my car note. That's a big deal! It was 5 times more than my cell phone bill I talked about in one of my previous posts. I'm on my way to correcting my finances. I'm so ecstatic that I'm really doing this and making this work for myself.

I opened another bank account, one that I think I should close now, at Bank of America. These damned fees are nothing to play with. I'm so serious with that! They charged me $2.00 for using a free ATM! I mean come on now! I do like the "Keep the Change" that saves all of my spare change for me. That's the only perk I can see of right now.

I dropped my car off to the mechanic to get an estimate for a few things. I need to know how much I need to be trying to put on the side. I set a time frame by the 2ND week of November to have these things fixed. What all needs to be done:

1. Wheel alignment
2. Passenger door handle
3. Driver inside door handle
4. Driver window
5. Molding on the convertible top around the driver window
6. Door guards on both passenger and driver door
7. Car radio
8. Wheels

I estimate this to cost about $1000. I hope his estimate doesn't go over mine and, preferably, stays below that amount.

I'm so tired these days. My schedule is not structured at all. I work in the mornings and get off at 2:30 or 3pm on some days. Then, on other days I have off. I work from about 6pm until about 1am some days and some days start as early as 5pm and end at 6 or 7am. Then my day starts over again. It's the price I pay to get what I want. I want less bills, this is how I chose to do it right now. I just find it hard to stay awake at times. Like now! lol I apologize that I haven't read many blogs. This is the reason why. I just can't fall into the mode of reading. My off time is spent at church or in the bed!

I am happier than I was yesterday. I'm just going to leave it like that with no details. As long as I am making progress that is all that needs to be noted.

I've started a scheduled workout plan. It is only me waking up an hour early and coming to the High School, where I work at, to exercise with the JROTC cadets. They do jumping jacks like maniacs! Push ups in two counts totaling about 150 total push ups a day. Also included are leg lifts, stretches, thrusts, mountain climbers, what they call raising your arms at shoulder length and moving them in a circular motion. I got my shape from JROTC when I was in it 5 years ago. I am hoping that I can tone my body using the same exercises. It shouldn't take long. I feel the tightness, now I am waiting to see the results bulge through! :)

Kohl's Gave me an Outstanding Achievement award for working the most weird shifts, saying yes to whenever asked and displaying the most energy and enthusiasm about the job. I have a special parking spot for the month of October and a nice certificate! Y'all know I was cheesin! :-D That really made my night!

I think I have typed enough. Plus, I think this is all that I have to update on anyway! lol I will try to make my way around to visit your blogs in between naps and jobs. Thank you for being considerate and hopefully understanding.

Where Are My Readers? I'll see...

What do you do when you...?
What do you say when...?
How do you handle...?
How can you move on?

I just sit in a space, in a spot wondering when the time will come when it is my time. It seems that everyone has their paths, their projected or prospected paths, or have at one time or another had a path. I want to be there. I get so pissed when people say it will come in time. I dip into depression when people say to wait! I have had what I wanted and needed right in front of me twice, but I believe I have ruined my chance at happiness on both occasions! Sigh and i think a tear too...

It may seem like I'm going off on a tangent, but I paid my cell phone bill on the 19Th. For those, most of you that don't know I haven't paid a bill since august. Not a one! I have been down, depressed and outright bothered by my pride as a man. I look at myself as always being able to make it and bounce back from any situation. I would run to my brother for help and I knew he had my back. I didn't want help this time. So, I didn't pay rent, car bills and phone bill. I believed that I would make it through. I've gotten 2 checks that have been humorous! I kept believing! So, on Friday, on my third check from my second job, I paid my cell phone bill. I felt so excited. I felt confident! I lost my confidence a very long time ago. I was unsure of my own validity as a man. I walked with my head down and sat slouched in chairs. Nobody could understand! I have made my first step towards success! I found some confidence and I want more.

All of that to say the following. I want to be happy! I want to make someone happy! I have done the beginning steps and some of the middle steps in getting myself together. I realize more and more how I operate. I realize more and more who I am. I am fooling myself if I continue to think that I have to know myself completely before I can begin to go after my dreams and goals in life. What is wrong with coming into one's self while spending your life with someone? That may be a great way to come into knowledge, when both people can share in the experience!

At the risk of going off on another tangent, is it possible to have two soul mates at the same time? Is it possible for you to have a soul mate for a prospected life and another for a different type of projected life? You ever held on to a dream and had everything you wanted but were confused about EVERYTHING? Then you go down another road and find you still have everything with another person? How do you handle that? How do you choose? How can you be comfortable knowing that each choice is an equal one? I feel like I'm rambling but making sense, and making a point, at the same time!

Let me go back to the beginning! What do you do when your heart has a hold of someone and won't let go? What do you do when your heart is reaching out towards to people? I might push some buttons, but I honestly believe in the probable fact of me loving two people!

What do you say when you can't say anything? I don't mean like blow away can't speak. I mean you are willing and able to speak but can't find the words. The fear and nervousness takes over and you literally can't say a word, speak your mind, or say anything productive.

I'm gonna take it straight Donnie on this one! How do you handle the guilt of your past? Can someone please tell me how do you deal with the shame? How do you handle your heart when it had been handled so many times? Not necessarily mistreated, just handled. I don't to be handled more that I need to be anymore. I want the next one to be soooo serious that It knocks me off my feet. I can't handle any more heart handling. I put my heart into everything, into work, life, friendships and on occasion, prospects! My heart is on my shirt and my only shield is my two hands. They are not doing a good job and I am injured.

What do you say when you've said all you can say and it is not enough? What do you say when you've been nothing but honest and you come up with the shitty stick? I'm gonna be real, because real is what real gets! (so I'm told) I go through my days being honest, sometimes even brutally honest and I just can't deal with ignorance that you get when you're honest. They ignore whatever you want and have made known and try to turn you into whatever they want you to be! Or, if you're not what they wished you to be they catch feelings and put your business on the street like bad garbage on trash day! Just stinkin up the neighborhood!

You should know that my thoughts came out like this after some bazaar game of questions. Shawn, Twin, X, Myself and a few others were engaged. I was sooo clearly and purposely inebriated and felt like expressing all of this after people left. I really don't expect many to read all of this, and I expect fewer to actually comment on it. I just needed to get this out. It's not out of my system, just in the atmosphere. Yea, its random! Yea, it may be repetitive! Yea, it might even be boring! Its whatever, because i just feel like crying right now and right after this sentence i will start...

Where Do We Put the Line?

Someone told me the other day that he was looking to date someone. Another friend of mine told me that he had a relationship with someone. My coworker told me that she seeing this guy, but this was her fiance! They all seemed like the same thing to me. The situations and the circumstances surrounding each of them were alike. I'm not going to even go on this whole friends with benefits thing! You know what, I just might! I really would like to know where is the line drawn between them!

I would view friendship as someone who thoughts may be communicated with, time shared, and moments spent. These things would not be on the level of intimacy. There no set commitment to each other, only time that one feels necessary to keep a friendship stable and healthy.

Seeing someone would be a friendship that you have prospects for more. I believe that you are more open emotionally towards this person and there is a greater level of interest building to intimacy here. You want that sign that you can pursue them. The motive if this would be to see if you can go further on to the next stage. I would say that stage is dating!

Dating would be two people coming together in efforts to spend time together. The purpose for getting to know each other. The intimacy level is increased and you see the person for what they are more and more. What they enjoy, what they desire. One would be qualifying the other, or each other, to see if a relationship is possible between the two. They seek compatibility. I would say at this point there is still no commitment because you are still in the learning process of determining whether you want to commit yourself!

I have seen many people date multiple people at the same time, "playing the field" if you will! Some say its healthy because you are not limiting yourself. I believe its not healthy because you can't focus a good amount of time on one person. You can't spread yourself out and effectively get to know everybody deeply if you're dating 10 people! Seriously, come on now! We have all done it in some way, shape or form. Is it right? I'll leave that up to you. Not going to judge anyone!

Then there would be the relationship stage. The commitment would enter here, or it should! Some people call themselves in a committed relationship and are actively seeing/dating/ having other relationships. To each is their own I suppose. Not judging there either. We all have our demons we have to deal with! Here is where intimacy would be at its peak! Someone told me that would intimacy means "in to me see". It sounds cheesy, but its quite relative. When you're intimate with someone, it doesn't mean that you are having sex. You are opening yourself up to someone. You are exposing a great deal of yourself leaving you vulnerable. That is why you are in a committed state because of the trust level with your partner.

I would say there are to stages that I don't quite know if should be included and where they would go if I would include them. That would be "friends with benefits" or "open relationships". I think we all what these are and what all they entail. These are stages for the "have your cake and eat it too" people. lol Is it fair? Is it logical? One could argue that if it works for them, fine! I'm not sure how to view it. I might of considered myself a part of this group, but I could consider myself as trying to stay far away from this group. I feel it doesn't build anything lasting and permanent. That's just my words.

Did I place the line in the correct places? Would you you have anything to add, subtract? Does it matter?

Pat On My Back!

Faced with a decision and being able to look back on it and say that I thought about it. I have a track record of doing things and acting on impulse and thinking about what I did afterwards. I am proud to say I thought about a decision I was about to make, as well as words I was about to say.

I see this as a positive result and evidence of change! I am making progress and I am Happy!

I'm Tired...

What can separate me from my blanky? (Don't try me!)

I need 3 hours, at least! I won't get it, SIGH!

A Breath of Fresh Air

I may have woke up late this morning! I may be at work with no lunch. I may still be tired, but when I walked out the door this morning, I took a breath of fresh air!

I really got no sleep due to people calling me at ridiculous hours in the morning, pissing me off time after time! I got my call to come in to sub-teach, without any difficulties, and I rolled over. I woke up 40 minutes late! I had a clever excuse so I wouldn't get in trouble, but I'm not going to make a habit of this!

I want to change my image. I want to make me look better. I want to be better. Yesterday, in more than one aspect, I took a shower. By the time I closed my eyes last night, I felt cleaner than when I entered the day. In reference to the previous post, I'm still looking for my clothes. I haven't found the perfect outfit to make me grown and sexy. Doesn't look like what's in my closet is old and not fitting me the way it once did. I may have to throw on a robe and go shopping! Let me stop with the metaphors before I confuse myself! lol

I came online to say I got a breath of fresh air!

Spotlight!

Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight

I have liked this video since I first saw it. I liked the words of the song but never knew the words. Today, I took the time to analyze the video and the lyrics to the song.

I believe that I'm not the guy that Jennifer is talking about, nor would I place myself in her shoes. She feels locked down and doesn't want to be imprisoned to someone who is holding her down; holding her back. She wants the real thing. She wants that equal give and take. She wants true love and wants to break loose of her current bondage to her current situation.

I can't blame her really! Who doesn't want the great experience of pure love? Who wants to be held back from their full potential? I'd rather have someone that will bring it out of me. To make me shine! That someone that views me as worthy and me the same of them!

The difference between her and I is she decided to go out at the end of the video. She is ready to make her change happen. I've been sitting inside contemplating. Questioning myself, when I do go out, what would I be looking for. Lets say for now I've taken my shower and dried off. the next step is getting dressed. I wonder how long that will take!

I've been reading!

I couldn't comment! I wanted to, but I couldn't! It didn't seem fair to you. Whenever I open my mouth to you I seem to aggrivate you, so I publish my comment for you here. I have been reading, always have and as long as my eyes work, I always will!

The breakup video, made me cry for 2 days straight!

Your "black&blue" post saddened me! I wanted to tell you I wanted you to be yellow-orange! A bursting beam of sunshine. You always were so bright and so vibrant! I wanted you to be like that all over again!

The pink video had an ironic feeling to it! I found you all in the video. I identified the emotions you named and more.

It's funny that you didn't know if I still read your blog! It's a GREAT blog, why would I stop? I just didn't comment! Its interesting that I started this post 3 posts before you mentioned that! As for the boot thing, I was wondering what you were talking about. It was real cool seeing you at the beach with a smile on your face! I'm happy for you enjoying yourself! I do care about you and I will always lend a helping hand when I can.

Brandy's video inspired a Mornin Manna text and a post as well! Thanks!

Not exactly what I had hoped to read when I saw the post "Moving On" but wow. I've never worried about your job situation because you have always had so many back up plans. This is probably the reason you're not worried. You have plenty of arms and helping hands around you. I don't wish to be intrusive, nor do I want to overstep any personal boundaries, but I'm here to help in anyway that I can.

Remember, I HAVE been reading!

Let me explain...

I have been in talks with a few people and I have been growing because of them. I have been talking my problems out and prying my psyche open for answers. Someone once told me that if you look for answers you will eventually find them. So, I went on an expedition within myself to found out the cause and my mind's reasoning for me being me!

Before I go any further, I must say that most common email that I receive is one saying that I come down too hard on myself. I get this from strangers, acquaintances, and friends alike. I get that I don't realize how blessed I really am. I am fortunate. This and this, followed by that and that! I do understand that I may not have it as bad as the next person, but who's to say that I am next to the greatest and most prosperous? I go through things just as oft as the next person. The weight of my burdens may not be as heavy to you as it seems to me! Maybe I'm not as strong as others! Maybe I'm not as determined as others! Regardless of the reason, excuse or stipulation, I have to find my way to the top and out of my own mess. Sometimes things seem minor and we let them go unaddressed. Consequently, they form into bigger problems that effect is even the more. I believe that I am at that stage.

As I get into the root of it all, I would say that I have avoided dealing with most tragedy in my life. I avoid having to deal with confrontation, and hardships. I have this style of dealing with things, which is to not deal with them. I have acknowledged that my emotions build up rather quickly and I tend to lash out irrationally when I don't deal with them. So, more recently in my life, I have began to practice letting go of my emotions as they arise. I let things off of my chest and I move on. GREAT! However, things I have pushed aside from year 22 on back have not been addressed!

I was going to name them all, one by one, in this post. I decided to leave it to posts to follow. If I named them all, It would amount to be a book! A small one, but a book none the less!

I intend on growing from this. I'm coming into the knowledge of myself and, to be honest, not enjoying what I have found so far. It's a reality that I was blind to previously. For whatever reason, I didn't see myself for who I was. Now I'm finding myself, getting to know myself and going to try to even befriend myself.

I can't wait!

Broken!

I'm broken! I'm no superman, I need healing! I need to feel better. The hurt runs deeper than I imagined!