Saying goodbye...

Jason, I've known you for 4 years. You were with me when I moved down to Philly and back. You seen me through a move in Elizabeth and helped me with all those boxes. I remember the times when you watched me as i slept in between those shifts, and even when I was stranded a couple times without a bed. You kept me company in my travels down south and back those countless times. Ah...memories!

It's going to be hard to say goodbye. I'll member all the times I rode you and every time you got to come on time. There will never be another Jason. I'm crying thinking about how I'll never stick it in your rear ever again, or how you sounded when I touched you in those places. It's just too hard...

I don't wanna say goodbye, especially after we've been through so many things. I don't want you to see the tears in my eyes, so I gotta say goodbye...

Jason "05 VW GTI"
2/2013-1/2017

Just Keep Wondering...

Happy New Year

I wish to take the time to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and a prosperous one at that! I hope your holidays were great, Christmas was awesome and time spent with family and loved ones were awesome.

My thanksgiving was one for the books. I usually spend my turkey day with my brother's family. I eat, put up with being straight for family, deal with whatever football game is on and explain why my girlfriend isn't here. This year, I watched movies and ate dinner at my first lady's (pastor's wife) house with very few people. No lavish food, none of mom's sweet potato pie, no special cakes, nothing. After I went home and life resumed without any significant marks. My thoughts were, Christmas will be better. Lemme tell you...

Christmas this year was also one for the books. I usually spend it with my nieces and they make me forget that I'm broken on the inside and I show my love and strong points externally to keep up the holidays for them. Gifts are exchanged, there's a 2.5 hour trip filled with gospel celebration there and back, awesome food, brother time, sister time and then work 2 days after. Christmas is always Christmas eve, Christmas, and the day after. This year, I needed to speak at my church on Christmas day and work the day before and day after. There was no Christmas for me. I sat here at home, invited those that told me they were having a slow Christmas also, and waited for them to come. 2 came, one was on the phone the majority of the time, the other tried to hit on me. Sad, I know! They all left and I'm home with my phone and tv. Christmas is now over.

New Year's comes and I have worked all of New Year's Eve then went to church directly after. Stayed there with good convo until 4am. Prolly, though it may seem minimal, this day was highlight of the holidays. Most fun I've had and it was just talking. Yet it seemed so uneventful. Later on, I had a game night at 7pm. All was well until some questions came up about Britney's birthday this past summer. Britney is the girl who I thought was gonna be my actual wife someday. I got some answers concerning unresolved feelings that left me uneasy. Then follow up texts the next day show that the wife thing ain't gonna happen. Not much of a gambler, and really shy. So, she was my only female prospect and the only woman I've actually been attracted to for years. A bit devastated under the cover, but the supporting friend on top.

In the midst of the holidays, Jose comes along. He's my prince from Venezuela. He comes in, handsome and caring, wearing a genuine facade, making me believe he likes me. In reality, he's made his way into my heart, made me speak his language, and fall for him when he's got a family already. Yea, I said it! Married with a 9 y/o daughter. I said there was something wrong with him and he was too good to be true, and he was. He is either going to use me for a green card or to hide out from immigration. He gave me false hope and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe was giving me back some good energy. Damn, I was wrong as hell!

I'm left feeling used, and thinking on how abused and used I'd been in times past. Maybe it's meant for me to be single. Maybe it's not in the cards for me to have kids. Maybe happiness died with my mom on October 23rd, 2005. Maybe I should just stop trying? Gabe turned my optimistic character into that of a pessimist. Time apart, I mean years apart, has started to restore my ability to see the glass as half full. I gotta be honest, I feel like the glass is almost empty.

In current times, I believe there's no man for me. There's no woman that would want me. A hiv positive, somewhat bisexual, who is barely independent, and thinly holding himself together. It doesn't matter what good I have to offer, people look at my hiv status and keep it moving. The plague is still real and quite a hindrance. I don't know if giving up is the way, but it deff  seems like the easier way. No more trying, no more crying, no more struggling, no more failing, no more hurting, no more anything!

It's 2017. While everybody else said happy New year, I faked it. Fuck this new year! What the hell is so special about it? Why should everybody be all excited? Another chance to do what they tried to do in 2016, and maybe many previous years also, but failed? #FOH A new year, another chance to fail just like the rest of the years. I know that's not even the attitude to have, but it's how I feel. I have low expectations from this year, and I don't think I'll make it though. However, there's one thing I know to be true, time tells all things.

Just Keep Wondering...

FML

So, I got into a car accident while visiting Atlanta for black gay pride. The incident almost ruins my weekend. Set scene... Guy hits me. I call police. Guy tells police that I hit him. Now we both get tickets and gotta fight it out. My 23rd time to Atlanta and my case is now dismissed and my perfect driving record is kept in tact. That's the happy ending tho.

The precursor to the finale includes a host of car issues an a robbery. Yea, on the way down to the lovely Atl, my car begins to shake and shimmy in Virginia outta the clear blue. Being concerned for the car and the safety of all parties riding, I decide that it's best to continue travels behind the wheel unassisted. Then we arrive safely and lo and behold, the car over heats! I leave my car and go to a nearby auto parts store and return within 45 mins to discover my car was broken into and battery stolen. Now stranded with little emergency funds and a damaged vehicle, I'm at my wits end without money and a return home plan. I find out that my tow service only covers me for 5 miles and I have to pay for the remaining 9 miles of the tow. Facing a possible vehicle abandonment in Georgia, I am preparing myself for the worst. I got drunk, passed out and readied myself for court in the morning. So now I have sorta beat the charges but may still need to pay the deductible. I won a battle, the war is still at large. So now the car. I got the money from big bro that always has my back in these times of auto trouble. And he bailed me outta the bind. I got the parts and now everything seems to be aligning properly. Ever so grateful...

Now it's time to get the window that was broken outta my car fixed and make my way to effectively be a thot. I need a manly distraction from these last 2 days! Being on the bodies and the booze!

Just keep wondering...

Get Back To My Baby

Watching this video, I realized that it's been so many years since I've had the particular feeling that Vivian is feeling here. Can't wait until it comes along again.

Chasing Cars

Not to be greatly graphic, but I just got of bed and left a man in it. Yes it's my bed, in case you're wondering. The man in the bed is cool, not great in the looks department, but has a decent personality. Something was missing...

While watching Grey's Anatomy, "Chasing Cars" comes on during the end of a season at a climatic point. It got me thinking on if I would ever met that one I would want to invite to lay with me and we'd be able to forget the world. The concept and idea of completely ignoring your surroundings, people, sounds, situations, circumstances, problems... EVERYTHING! So as I laid there with this man, who is clearly interested in me, the only thing I could think about was everything.

So I'm out of bed, blogging in necessity because I must unload these emotions. Last week, I missed church because I was lonely. Before you go there, saying I copped out, I was lonely to the point of discomposure. I couldn't fix my face from the tears and sobbing and sorrow; I had to go through this. So I stayed home. I went through being stood up that night, abandoned the next day, and being catfished the following day. The week started off poorly, had a poor hump with me being jealous of a friend's new relationship, and is finishing with a man in my bed that doesn't know I'm not even in it with him.

I just shed a tear. I think I'm feeling pathetic or sorry or something for myself. I have work in 3 hours, and I have a new haircut, and I'm gonna make this Friday work for me. Somehow, this day will be a good day. One day this week has gotta be good!

Just Keep Wondering...

Finding Me

Coming into myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've never had to be an individual. My mother picked out my clothes, then the boyfriends followed suit after her passing. I've never had to find myself because I never was alone, felt alone or lost. I felt sexy, despite looking through the mirror at myself and seeing someone who wasn't sexy enough.

This coming January 2017 will mark 4 years of me being single. I've had to recover and heal, discover and identify, learn and grow all before looking to not be single once again. Gabe was the last significant in my life and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. He left me in such shamble, in an extreme torn state, laying on the side of life wondering what the actual fuck! I wouldn't be in the knowledge of what I want if it wasn't for him, but I wouldn't be as mean, jaded, vindictive, pessimistic and hurtful either. I'm still heading in terms of going back to the person who I identify myself as. I've healed from the damage of the relationship, I'm just wondering if I'll ever heal to the cheerfully optimistic and bright guy I once was. My magic 8 ball said check back later, smh!

As of late, after several moves and miscellaneous happenings, my wardrobe is not what it used to be. I noticed that I'm in need of a dire upgrade for the fall and winter season. Hell, for next year's summer and spring season also! As mentioned before, I've always had someone help me dress. Being the single guy that I am, I have nobody to fill that position. So I've ventured out and started window shopping, trying on clothes, seeing what I like, what I don't. What fits, what doesn't. I'm in a brand new mode of discovery and I believe I'm enjoying it. I've never been one to shop much, I never really liked spending money. Plus, malls suck for parking and those check out lines are ridiculous! I'm doing this and I'm liking it. One pair of shoes, one shirt, one set of trousers… one thing at a time. Maybe a photo shoot of some outfits will be in order!

I'm changing up the hair too. Last year I grew my hair out for the winter. This year I'll do the same with a bit more style. I've got a barber stylist that will aid me in keeping me looking my best. I've already started turning heads and my gray is looking quite nice! Yup, gray hair is here and I'm not getting rid of it! I'm owning it and if others don't like it, I'm sure there's a nearby bridge.

I've swyped away another post on the phone. I'm hoping to be back more regularly for those who are following. If I'm typing to none of you, thanks to the universe for allowing my expression to take place!

Just Keep Wondering...

Been a long time...

Hey folks, it really has been a min since I've been on, didn't think it was that long but months have indeed passed by. So a quick recap is on the way, I hope I don't bore you!

There was a guy on the radar by the name Henley. We spent 2-3 months trying to get to know each other. I thought he was cool, turns out he's very selfish and self centered. Never committed, and I'm absolutely grateful for that! Dodged a bullet there.

The job has become a thorn in my side, but I can't quit. I'm starting not to really give a shit, and I couldn't care less that I feel that way. For those of you that don't know, I work for chili's as a server and the restaurant has been making changes in order to keep its doors open (personal opinion). They require more from the team members and pay us no more. Then expect us to hit performance numbers when given our best efforts we cannot ever completely control. Writing on the wall is I need a new job. Can't find one with the same flexibility and great pay, so I'm stuck!

Went camping at the woods campground and had a blast and a life defining moment with Henley. Sudden realization, I cannot be friends with my ex's, I tried, I keep trying and it doesn't work. I won't try any longer. Gabe is only around because of the oldest kid Nasir. He's 16 now and is planning on emancipation himself. So that aspect of my life may change. This Negro is talking about coming to live with me! I made him a promise that I would help in the case of emergency, wondering if this is that emergency!

Atlanta black gay pride was awesome! Can't wait, I might go back for Atlanta pride in October. This should be really fun! Meaning that I got into a car accident and I gotta head down there to plead my case! Ugh, my perfect driving record is in jeopardy because someone wants to lie! I don't like bitchass behaviour, no offense meant. Just aggy is all.

Car is showing it's ass, I love it so I'll try to hold onto it for as long as possible. I'm looking for the same model car in a newer year. As I've found my car, the Volkswagen gti. The size, features and power all in one semi affordable package, lol. The aim is a 2012 if I can't get the 2016. Time will tell.

My meds are spinning my emotions way of the grid! Depression, mood swings, nightmares, and my face is starting to break out. Not really happy about that, on several points! I'm wondering if this is what is showing this whole gray hair process along, because I'm not trying to be salt n peppa at 35! Did I mention it's falling out? Yea it's falling out too… not happy at all. I'm going to try to cope tho.

I'm a bit torn in this aspect. I'm going to be getting my ministers license within the next month. I don't consider myself living a double life nor being a hypocrite. People know my level of priority for church and my passion as well. Church people know I am very private with my personal life. I never advise someone to do something against what I would not do or what the church wouldn't smile on. Choices are choices and people make them. I've made the choice to inform the powers that be of my situation and nobody else, so there are no surprises. To the outward eye, people have opinions. With this elevation comes more spotlight. My upcoming choice will now be, to either become more closeted for religious sake or become more open for my sake.

So much has happened and there are times when I just need relief and escape, but instead I go to work and church. Awesome right? All work, prayer and no play makes fuzzy a boring dull and depressed boy!

I went shopping! Many wouldn't believe this is monumental, but indeed I am not a great shopper. I hate lines, I despise rummaging through disorganized racks searching for garbs that fit me well and look well on me. The process is tedious and not liked at all. Unfortunately, winter is around the corner and I can't avoid the fact that I'm single and will no doubtedly be going out and about as a single man. The difference between last year and now is that last year I was moving and didn't really care what was going on because life hit me with a curve ball and I needed to go into survival mode. This year, I'm established and need to look good. Need shoes, shirts, trousers, outerwear and accessories. I need a new wardrobe and I have the closet space to work with!

That's gonna be all for now, tune into next Monday for the continuation

Just Keep Wondering...

David - Chapter Closed

You all remember David from last year? You know, the guy that stole my heart and disappeared? Well I finally got to find out why! This will be quick because I'm simply over it!

So, there was this guy who I let fuck me. It was a one time thing but I forgot to relay this info to the guy. So he comes back looking for more, as they always do, and introduces a 3-sum idea. I was reluctant and ultimately said it wouldn't happen. Determined, he tries to convince me saying that I know the 3rd guy and dropped a couple hints of who it was just to peak my interest. It worked and to my surprise it was David.

Fast forward, he and the guy I had sex with are together and have been together for years. I was the 3rd wheel and that was all the info I needed to move on to the next chapter of my life... Henley...

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory Part II

In my lifetime, Ive chosen the wrong kinda friends over and over again. I'm very reluctant to choose friends and include them in my circle, especially when they've already proven to have the potential to be a problem. Rory is one of these.

Rory and I had a bit of a spat and I couldn't wrap my mind around the reason I was perplexed. It was a very simple situation of disrespect. I want to say it was due to his age, but I can't declare that it was. There's some sort of something in me that believes that it is just who he is. The ones that have proven to be there time and time again don't like him. Even the ones that I have't included in the "close friends" category didn't like him. For the listener/reader I'm sure you're wondering, "what is Fuzzy even holding on to?" I am not one to turn my back on people who helped me out once upon a time. He helped me move some things into my apartment and I feel like to disown him or to distance myself from him would be some variety of usury. 

I've come to terms that people are placed in your life for a reason and some times it's only I'll put some distance between him and I and that will give me due time to process the feelings and determine if later on he is someone who can be a part of my life.

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory

Sometimes I can't believe the kinda guys that manage to come within my circle. Let me introduce him, he's about to be freshly 25, a church boy and totes loads of inexperience. He works for the post office, seems to be in some kinda trouble there, brags about his blocked lists on social media, and has a seemingly short fuse. I'm not exactly one to put up with much inexperience when it comes to friends. Some of my friends may be  goofy, but they all know how to be on their grown man/woman and act/be the part when necessary. This guy is not well rounded and believes that people owe him something for him being himself.

Now, moving on to the dilemma, I'm not sure whether I should ditch him or whether I should just take him under my wing and teach him. I doubt I'll come back for a timely update. I will give an update when I return...

Just Keep Wondering...