Finding Me

Coming into myself has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've never had to be an individual. My mother picked out my clothes, then the boyfriends followed suit after her passing. I've never had to find myself because I never was alone, felt alone or lost. I felt sexy, despite looking through the mirror at myself and seeing someone who wasn't sexy enough.

This coming January 2017 will mark 4 years of me being single. I've had to recover and heal, discover and identify, learn and grow all before looking to not be single once again. Gabe was the last significant in my life and I'm not sure whether to thank him or curse him. He left me in such shamble, in an extreme torn state, laying on the side of life wondering what the actual fuck! I wouldn't be in the knowledge of what I want if it wasn't for him, but I wouldn't be as mean, jaded, vindictive, pessimistic and hurtful either. I'm still heading in terms of going back to the person who I identify myself as. I've healed from the damage of the relationship, I'm just wondering if I'll ever heal to the cheerfully optimistic and bright guy I once was. My magic 8 ball said check back later, smh!

As of late, after several moves and miscellaneous happenings, my wardrobe is not what it used to be. I noticed that I'm in need of a dire upgrade for the fall and winter season. Hell, for next year's summer and spring season also! As mentioned before, I've always had someone help me dress. Being the single guy that I am, I have nobody to fill that position. So I've ventured out and started window shopping, trying on clothes, seeing what I like, what I don't. What fits, what doesn't. I'm in a brand new mode of discovery and I believe I'm enjoying it. I've never been one to shop much, I never really liked spending money. Plus, malls suck for parking and those check out lines are ridiculous! I'm doing this and I'm liking it. One pair of shoes, one shirt, one set of trousers… one thing at a time. Maybe a photo shoot of some outfits will be in order!

I'm changing up the hair too. Last year I grew my hair out for the winter. This year I'll do the same with a bit more style. I've got a barber stylist that will aid me in keeping me looking my best. I've already started turning heads and my gray is looking quite nice! Yup, gray hair is here and I'm not getting rid of it! I'm owning it and if others don't like it, I'm sure there's a nearby bridge.

I've swyped away another post on the phone. I'm hoping to be back more regularly for those who are following. If I'm typing to none of you, thanks to the universe for allowing my expression to take place!

Just Keep Wondering...

Been a long time...

Hey folks, it really has been a min since I've been on, didn't think it was that long but months have indeed passed by. So a quick recap is on the way, I hope I don't bore you!

There was a guy on the radar by the name Henley. We spent 2-3 months trying to get to know each other. I thought he was cool, turns out he's very selfish and self centered. Never committed, and I'm absolutely grateful for that! Dodged a bullet there.

The job has become a thorn in my side, but I can't quit. I'm starting not to really give a shit, and I couldn't care less that I feel that way. For those of you that don't know, I work for chili's as a server and the restaurant has been making changes in order to keep its doors open (personal opinion). They require more from the team members and pay us no more. Then expect us to hit performance numbers when given our best efforts we cannot ever completely control. Writing on the wall is I need a new job. Can't find one with the same flexibility and great pay, so I'm stuck!

Went camping at the woods campground and had a blast and a life defining moment with Henley. Sudden realization, I cannot be friends with my ex's, I tried, I keep trying and it doesn't work. I won't try any longer. Gabe is only around because of the oldest kid Nasir. He's 16 now and is planning on emancipation himself. So that aspect of my life may change. This Negro is talking about coming to live with me! I made him a promise that I would help in the case of emergency, wondering if this is that emergency!

Atlanta black gay pride was awesome! Can't wait, I might go back for Atlanta pride in October. This should be really fun! Meaning that I got into a car accident and I gotta head down there to plead my case! Ugh, my perfect driving record is in jeopardy because someone wants to lie! I don't like bitchass behaviour, no offense meant. Just aggy is all.

Car is showing it's ass, I love it so I'll try to hold onto it for as long as possible. I'm looking for the same model car in a newer year. As I've found my car, the Volkswagen gti. The size, features and power all in one semi affordable package, lol. The aim is a 2012 if I can't get the 2016. Time will tell.

My meds are spinning my emotions way of the grid! Depression, mood swings, nightmares, and my face is starting to break out. Not really happy about that, on several points! I'm wondering if this is what is showing this whole gray hair process along, because I'm not trying to be salt n peppa at 35! Did I mention it's falling out? Yea it's falling out too… not happy at all. I'm going to try to cope tho.

I'm a bit torn in this aspect. I'm going to be getting my ministers license within the next month. I don't consider myself living a double life nor being a hypocrite. People know my level of priority for church and my passion as well. Church people know I am very private with my personal life. I never advise someone to do something against what I would not do or what the church wouldn't smile on. Choices are choices and people make them. I've made the choice to inform the powers that be of my situation and nobody else, so there are no surprises. To the outward eye, people have opinions. With this elevation comes more spotlight. My upcoming choice will now be, to either become more closeted for religious sake or become more open for my sake.

So much has happened and there are times when I just need relief and escape, but instead I go to work and church. Awesome right? All work, prayer and no play makes fuzzy a boring dull and depressed boy!

I went shopping! Many wouldn't believe this is monumental, but indeed I am not a great shopper. I hate lines, I despise rummaging through disorganized racks searching for garbs that fit me well and look well on me. The process is tedious and not liked at all. Unfortunately, winter is around the corner and I can't avoid the fact that I'm single and will no doubtedly be going out and about as a single man. The difference between last year and now is that last year I was moving and didn't really care what was going on because life hit me with a curve ball and I needed to go into survival mode. This year, I'm established and need to look good. Need shoes, shirts, trousers, outerwear and accessories. I need a new wardrobe and I have the closet space to work with!

That's gonna be all for now, tune into next Monday for the continuation

Just Keep Wondering...

David - Chapter Closed

You all remember David from last year? You know, the guy that stole my heart and disappeared? Well I finally got to find out why! This will be quick because I'm simply over it!

So, there was this guy who I let fuck me. It was a one time thing but I forgot to relay this info to the guy. So he comes back looking for more, as they always do, and introduces a 3-sum idea. I was reluctant and ultimately said it wouldn't happen. Determined, he tries to convince me saying that I know the 3rd guy and dropped a couple hints of who it was just to peak my interest. It worked and to my surprise it was David.

Fast forward, he and the guy I had sex with are together and have been together for years. I was the 3rd wheel and that was all the info I needed to move on to the next chapter of my life... Henley...

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory Part II

In my lifetime, Ive chosen the wrong kinda friends over and over again. I'm very reluctant to choose friends and include them in my circle, especially when they've already proven to have the potential to be a problem. Rory is one of these.

Rory and I had a bit of a spat and I couldn't wrap my mind around the reason I was perplexed. It was a very simple situation of disrespect. I want to say it was due to his age, but I can't declare that it was. There's some sort of something in me that believes that it is just who he is. The ones that have proven to be there time and time again don't like him. Even the ones that I have't included in the "close friends" category didn't like him. For the listener/reader I'm sure you're wondering, "what is Fuzzy even holding on to?" I am not one to turn my back on people who helped me out once upon a time. He helped me move some things into my apartment and I feel like to disown him or to distance myself from him would be some variety of usury. 

I've come to terms that people are placed in your life for a reason and some times it's only I'll put some distance between him and I and that will give me due time to process the feelings and determine if later on he is someone who can be a part of my life.

Just Keep Wondering...

Rory

Sometimes I can't believe the kinda guys that manage to come within my circle. Let me introduce him, he's about to be freshly 25, a church boy and totes loads of inexperience. He works for the post office, seems to be in some kinda trouble there, brags about his blocked lists on social media, and has a seemingly short fuse. I'm not exactly one to put up with much inexperience when it comes to friends. Some of my friends may be  goofy, but they all know how to be on their grown man/woman and act/be the part when necessary. This guy is not well rounded and believes that people owe him something for him being himself.

Now, moving on to the dilemma, I'm not sure whether I should ditch him or whether I should just take him under my wing and teach him. I doubt I'll come back for a timely update. I will give an update when I return...

Just Keep Wondering...

My Alphabet

Adventurous
Bright
Caring
Determined
Effective
Fun
Giving
Humble
Imaginative
Joyful
Kinky
Lovable
Mean
Nosy
Open
persistent
Quaint
Romantic
Sarcastic
Teasing
Understanding
Vindictive
Wondrous
X-Rated
Youthful
Zealous

For Future Reference

Proverbs 16:9 

A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

I heard this recently and the short statement put me in awe because it packs such a punch for me. I didn't have access to my notepad at the moment, so I figured that I would put it somewhere where I would be able to reference it later for all to see. Hope this puts some clear perspective in where someone is going in life and somehow provides some inspiration. 

David From The Ashes

So, last night at my party, I had one of David's closest friends come through. We met at my party years back, and re-met through David. Anyway, I tried to keep progress on David through his friend and he told me some very interesting things when I asked how he was doing. Apparently, and I myself am a bit surprised, I'm too much of a great guy and I scared him off. He feels as though he fucked up and he doesn't think I will forgive him. He has a trend of fucking up and he doesn't think I would stay around. He talks about the times we shared with this friend, I mean in great detail, asks how I am all the time and this last time told his friend to tell me hello!

Here's my thing, I'm in talks with this guy who is moving up from Virginia, codenamed Big Tig. I remember the thing I wanted with David. I should be honest and say it's the thing I want with David. Currently, he's off the scene playing scaredy cat not knowing if he came back on the scene he could have something special. In the same news I have Big Tig, who I have my eyes on that could be something special, who isn't scared. The fucked up part of it is if I build something with Tig and David grows a set and decided to step up, I'm going to have a problem on my hands. Tig hasn't played on my heart strings, David has. If Tig plays a love song on my heart strings and David becomes ready I will not know what to do. The disadvantages of playing the field!

Just Keep Wondering...

Blankie

I woke up this morning and I was wrapped around my blanket and had a moment. I thought back to all the many significant events in my life and Blankie has been there! Was there when my grandma died to catch my tears. Was there to cover me when my mother died. It was there when I needed to hit my brother when he tried that slick stuff too! Blank was there when I got those new jobs and nobody was around to celebrate! Blankie, we have danced, cried, celebrated and mourned. We are so tight like glue. We even vacation together! You've been there from the day I came out the womb. You were the first blanket that touched me in the hospital! You've been with me from the very beginning.

 

Now before you all start to get all emotional on me, Blankie is just fine! I was just thinking the only times that I gave me and Blankie some space was when I was in a relationship. Not just any relationship, but a good one. It was folded and placed nearby so I can see but far enough away to create vulnerable areas in my psyche. I was able to do that because I knew that the body I was laying with had me safe. The person I dated was there for my tears and held my hand through the hard times. If I didn't feel like you had my back like you were supposed to, subconsciously Blankie would be right there in bed with is. The horrible part was, I would hold Blankie instead of whoever else was there! Blankie is a very strong icon and holds deep meaning in my life. I will cut you if you try anything to hide or keep me from my blanket! FOR REAL!

 

I recently sent Big Tig a message saying that if you can manage to get me to fold Blankie up you've accomplished a major thing. It's only really happened twice in my 30 years. Sent him a pic of us together and he said we look cute together! Hope he has what it takes!

Just Keep Wondering...

The WOW Effect

In regards to the guy that didn't work out from my playing the field post, I felt it necessary to share a growth I noticed in myself. Ordinarily, I jump into things, relationships, tasks, friendships and pay little attention to signs of potential danger and future hardship. I notice them way later than needed and by that time I'm already at ground zero of a hot mess! Gabe used to always tell me that I lacked foresight, but I'm happy to say that I've picked some up!

 

Mr. Smith and I started talking a bit after my birthday. He is a very fun guy, playful and very sweet. Weeks after meeting and hanging out, he went away and disappeared while I took ill for a few days. I was left feeling a bit angry about the situation. After all, I felt like we were building something great and how could he just leave me sick like this? Didn't even call to check in on me! When we got back into contact we argued and I bowed when I realized we weren't together. There was no obligation for him to stay, no requirement for him to check in or any call for him to do anything! I asked myself why. I asked myself, is this guy the one? I didn't believe there was enough wow in him for me to date him. Then I discovered the "WOW" effect.

 

The WOW effect is a feeling of greatness that is on a person and in the relationship you have that makes you say "wow". I thought about Shawn, I was wowed by Shawn to be around him. I was wowed to talk with him. I was wowed when we laid together. I was wowed when I thought of him. When I woke up and he was on my mind, I even said wow! It was like we were one. Even when I was dead wrong and cheated on him he would call or text and I would stop whatever I was doing and come to him! It wasn't a loss of love that caused me to cheat, it was feelings of dissatisfaction in the bedroom that caused me to cheat. I would of never left but he broke up with me and so things go! Even after the breakup I was still having the wow in how much my heart broke when he told me to leave and things were over.

 

I asked Mr. Smith did I wow him and he said the way I think wows him. I asked him if that was all and he said a couple more things. I had to tell him that wasn't enough. If I am going to be with someone I need to be Wowed! There needs to be a mutual WOW! The bigger the wow the better the relationship in my experience. I just have to make better more compatible choices of men to date to experience a better wow!

 

I'm going to insert codename Big Tig into the scene. A southern boy is relocating to NJ and I just so happen to stumble on his profile on the 1 night he stayed over his friends place on a GPS app Jack'd when I was in an area that I normally do not visit anymore. He's named Big Tig because he really looks like Big Tigger to me! Nothing more at this time about him but just mentioning the factors of our crossing paths and having much in common, plus sharing a mutual attraction on that very small window of opportunity has me excited! WOW may be headed my direction!

Just Keep Wondering...