December 29, 2010

I'm afraid

Trapped in desire
Imprisoned in the unseen
Dealing with the settlement
Rejoicing in optimism
Reaching blindly toward hope
Hoping to be able to continue to reach
Beaten by pessimism
Oppressed by negativity
Lights seem dim
Opportunity arrives on infrequent whims

My inner core dangerously rests on thin ice
Still, cowed and cold
I'm in doubt and despair
My very being is in question
Faith? Where? Hope? Where? Trust? Where? God, who?

Sleet of misfortune and hail of pending defeat
Broken umbrella, torn coat and worn boots
Vulnerable and whipped by the surprising inevitable
Why now? Why me now? Why not later? Why at all?

"What do you do when you've done all you can?" Asked and sang Donnie
He said "stand", I tried that... nothing happened
I'm sitting, contemplating action
I gotta bring myself from muck, mire, abuse and misuse.

Do I walk away? Do I leave it? Him? Them?
Should I build newness? Walk in the unknown?
Wading in the water of usual presents itself
Remaining in everything abiding in aspiration of a better tomorrow

Today is aweful, so was yesterday and probably tomorrow
My wick burns weak and light dims
Nightfall is here, evening tears approach
Closing my eyes...

December 28, 2010

let it snow...

It's too much snow outside and my car doesn't like it. Its too much snow outside and I don't like it. It's soooo much snow outside I'm glad that I don't have to be to work till 3 weeks from now!

December 25, 2010

Counting What Matters

It's so easy to fall victim to the commercialism of the holiday. It's even easier to get out of the holiday spirit. I can't quite decide whether I'm more on the blessed side or on the not so blessed side. Either way, I'm somewhat blessed.

I was arrested about 2 weeks ago. Not really arrested, more like taken into custody. It felt as an arrest because I was placed into cuffs and ever so gently placed in the rear of a police cruiser. I knew I was driving wrong and I knew it would catch up to me. What I didn't know is that I had warrants. Luckily for me, the cities that I had warrants in didn't feel like coming to pick me up from the city i was pulled over in. I was let go. My car was towed and was in the middle of a pay cycle. I really didn't have any money to retrieve any money to get my car out. Days later, Gabe pulled some funds together and loaned me the money and I agreed to pay back every cent. Conditions were i had to sign over my paycheck (the check before christmas) to make my initial chunk payment. I literally have pennies to rub together.

On the brighter side of things, I have a man who really loves me that has stuck through it all with me. I have a place to live and food to eat. I have heat and hot water, when the kids don't use it all on their vanity showers. I have a computer to blog from. I have internet that runs to the computer. I have decent clothes to wear. I have a job, regardless of the fact that I'm on a 33 day lay off for the holiday. In the midst of my downs, I can still look up and count my blessings.

I just wanted to take the time and wish you a very Merry Christmas urging you to consider the people that dont have before you begin to complain about what you received. Gifts come in many packages big, small, thin, wife, figurative and literal. Let the spirit of thanksgiving continue to abound with you and let the joy of Christmas live with you until my next Christmas post.

Just Keep Wondering...

November 24, 2010

I'm Gonna Do It

I hate to be this way right before Thanksgiving Day, but there are some things I gotta let my dad know. Ive come to the realization that I'm grown and my father has been grown for a significant amount of time more than my time spent on this earth. There is no good reason why I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts.

Dad, I don't come to see you because when I was around you didn't appreciate when I was there. I rarely received gratitude for doing things you overlooked, didn't do or just plainly didn't think about. It was made clear that we would be better off not being around each other which was the reason why I moved in the first place. Dad, I don't call you on the phone because when we lived together we couldn't have a decent conversation without one of us feeling some sort of way. Dad, I don't act like your friend because you never wanted to be my friend. You chose to play pool with Patrick, watch TV and to just not be bothered in anything regarding me. Dad, you wanna know why I don't talk to you? you can't keep ya trap shut. At every moment, I hear about what I am or what I'm not doing concerning you. You never tell the full truth, you never tell people how you fucked up. You only tell people some painted and glossed story making you seem so innocent and I'm not having it anymore!

Yes, I've held a grudge against you for some time and it's past time that I got all of this off of my chest. You were purposely distant in my adolescent years and pulled your magic reappearance when mom died. You tried to act like daddy do good all too late in the game and I didn't need someone to tell me what to do, I needed someone cool to relate to. I needed the closeness of a parent that you never provided. When the opportunity came up you wanted to be bossy and to live how you thought I should live according to your standards. too late pops... way to late.

The added tension to our poor excuse of a relationship is the fact that i"m a homo. I used to consider myself bi and had feelings for both. I pursued feelings for a chick and it didn't give me the desired result. I'm not thrilled that I'm a full homo but it is what it is. You can go from wherever you may from that point with bit of info that you would like to go. No doubt that you'll go run to someone and tell them another half truth and paint yourself mighty once more and I'll be some black labeled child. Shrugs shoulders and throws up hands. I forgive you for what you did but I will not allow myself to be placed into similar situations in the future for complications. Life is too hard to have you adding to it. I gotta make it with or without you. Your actions thus far have proven to me that you would rather not be a part of my life. Again, do what you will. I've forgiven you and I'm moving on.

Whooo, I did it! I'll let you know how it goes down when it actually comes out my mouth.

Just Keep Wondering...

November 21, 2010

Finally, It Happened To Me

The most common place couples go early on in the relationship is to the movies. Gabe and I didn't start up typically, as I believe I've mentioned before. I've asked him, earlier in our courting, out to a movie or two or three. He's declined. "It's too loud", "people don't know how to behave", "I might need to pee and I get mad when I miss parts of the movie" resulting in the ceasefire of further movie invites.

Harry Potter deathly gallows pt1 came out this weekend and I was determined to see it. Nothing is worse than wanting to see a movie badly and hearing everyone else talk about it. After church service on Sunday, I came home cooked dinner, prepared lunch, washed clothes cleaned up a bit and informed gabe i'd be going out to the movies. He said he wanted to come. (Pause)
WHAT?
I couldn't believe what I heard. Rather than ask questions I got him a lil outfit ensemble together real quick and we were off to the movies.

My first movie date wit Gabe. It was great! We got the big soda and popcorn and chewed our lives away and washed it down with sprite. We held each other in verious places and ways and watched Harry and his friends run amuck, lol.

Great movie, highly recommended!

October 23, 2010

The Real Jets

Being born and raised in Rahway, I've been sheltered from many things. I grew up in a house, well a duplex apartment type of house, in a neighborhood where everyone knew each other. There were good people, bad people, drunks, drug addicts, wealthy, and poor people. There was a mix but we all respected each other for what they were and who they were.

When moms died, two months later, my father and I moved to the "projects". It was in the same city and not far from where I was currently living. The area had a horrible past and not so polished recent happenings. It was an area where drugs were abundant, drunks were on car trunks and hoods, cops were foreign and stray bullets were a regular sound. Mom warned me to stay away in my younger years and that was the only place I couldn't play in. I wanted to see what was the hype and why I couldn't go and my curiosity led me to witness all that was mentioned.

Upon arrival to the "projects", it was completely different than what I had witnessed before. It was tolerable. Just the occasional party that lasts all night and a coupla hustlers walkin back and forth. I was iight wit that. I had a washer hookup, an eat-in kitcken, living room and two bedrooms along with a bathroom. The heat blazed from november 15th till sometime in march. HOT AS HELL! We had our own front and back yard and we could have lawn furniture and so forth. I described my living situations to someone and they politely said it wasn't the "projects". They informed me I was in a not so decent private community. I disagreed. I was brought up in so much better so this was a real downgrade for me. I felt I was in the "projects".

Just today I wandered in to a Newark "project". It's late almost 11pm and tons are kids are outside unsupervised, running amuck, doing whatever they pleased. I saw basketball courts, playgrounds, and a massive laundry line that could probably hold five to six apartment worths of laundry. I walked into a stairway and people are having conversations that may echoed horribly. It had a smell of a pleasant rundown transtation alley. Nothing to be mad about, but definitely not a homey smell.

My destination was a friend of Gabe's, who's girlfriend lives there. I walk in and the heat is so much hotter than what I previously experienced. I placed ma coat on the arm of the chair. The friend was in the kitchen wit his girl, and his "lil bro" and they were freestyle rappin over somebody's music. Background scenery is kids, three that I noticed, running around yelling and screaming. Something happened and one of the kids got a harsh verbal thrashing. I summed up, don't show out in front of company. The verbal abuse made me sad. Kid went back to the room and I didn't see her again for the rest of the night.

I come from prosperity. Even though I am lacking in some areas I still live in abundance. I could be here. I could be living oppressed and held down. I thought, "dag!" I have just seen "the real jets" and I'm sure things get worse than what I've just seen.

I'm walking away hearing loud music, seeing and hearing neglected kids, and cops rolling up with flashers and sirens. "The Real Jets"

Just Keep Wondering...

October 22, 2010

The Full Pussy

I expressed to Gabe that I wanted to test the waters wit a woman. He was leery about the whole thing and advised me to think about who I would experiment on. He said that a woman isn't gonna meetup wit you knowin you gay trying to see if you gonna be feelin her or not. She gonna be lookin for dick and you gonna have to give it to her. I had to mentally stroke my chin in agreement. I felt in time past that I would not get into that unless I was married, a sort of vow I made to myself, but it grew to be an impractical thought.

In my travels, I came across a couple that found me to be attractive. They were married and both interested in me. I established communication with them and began to sort out the details. I shared that I had a bf and if anything was to go down he'd have to be there and tha I twas all too unfamiliar with pussy. Titties are a different story, they turn me the hell on! :) They were accepting and down for the freak show. Gabe consented and we are about to get this freak show under way.

We meetup after a coupla more days if sorting and interaction. Small chatter, laughs, and convo were exchanged and wifey started to take my clothes off. Hubby started messin wit Gabe and things were under way. The time came for me to eat out the pussy, and though nervous, I dove in full face. I hear moaning and a coupla groans. Then I felt a hand accompanied with a satisfying sigh. "Dayum boy, you sure this is your first time?" I felt good about that. I came up for air and Gabe went down. I mentally prepared myself for the next thing I was going to do, FUCK!

Husband went in first, that was their rule. It was cool with me. After all, they are married! I'm a penetration guy. I was under the dick as he was stickin it into the pussy. Looking at every move and body response, I made mental notes of what to do and not do. My dick wasn't hard. Then, I noticed a shine on hubby's dick. a reddish shine. I made mention of my observation and guess what? Ol' girl caught her monthly visitor! You talk about a dude who was pissed! I mean ma dick wasn't hard but still, lol!

I fucked hubby, Gabe fucked me and then hubby fucked me. We all busted and then we made our way home.

The day after evaluation was dissatisfying. I had to really think on my level of sexual excitement and from whom it came from. I determined I gained no sexual pleasure from the wifey except for when she was suckin my dick. I believe that was because I enjoy my dick being sucked. Even though I enjoy head from guys much much more, girls could get it too. Her pussy did absolutely nothing for me. Me being a titty guy, even her titties did nothing. I shared these conclusions with Gabe and he said maybe she wasn't your type. I thought maybe. Then I thought, not even a lil bit?

I began to think I was all gay. This angered me. I claimed bisexuality for so long based on the idea that females still turned me on. They still do, but apparently they only turn me on with clothes on! When clothes start coming off, there's nothing going on and ma dick goes on vacation. I never wanted to be all gay. I still don't wanna be all gay, but it seems that's the deck of cards I was dealt. I'm not feelin that at all. NOT ONE BIT! I'm a fan of the straight population; I envy them. Bisexuals can choose, have the luxury of going from either or have the option to deal with both. Me, I'm stuck being gay, or it seems like it. I'm disappointed. there will definitely be more to go with this post.

Just Keep Wondering...

October 14, 2010

Pussy

My face buried...

Just Keep Wondering...

October 09, 2010

Pussy

Her clit and my tongue...

Just Keep Wondering...

October 08, 2010

Pussy

I'm about to...

Just Keep Wondering...