I hate to be this way right before Thanksgiving Day, but there are some things I gotta let my dad know. Ive come to the realization that I'm grown and my father has been grown for a significant amount of time more than my time spent on this earth. There is no good reason why I can't communicate my feelings and thoughts.
Dad, I don't come to see you because when I was around you didn't appreciate when I was there. I rarely received gratitude for doing things you overlooked, didn't do or just plainly didn't think about. It was made clear that we would be better off not being around each other which was the reason why I moved in the first place. Dad, I don't call you on the phone because when we lived together we couldn't have a decent conversation without one of us feeling some sort of way. Dad, I don't act like your friend because you never wanted to be my friend. You chose to play pool with Patrick, watch TV and to just not be bothered in anything regarding me. Dad, you wanna know why I don't talk to you? you can't keep ya trap shut. At every moment, I hear about what I am or what I'm not doing concerning you. You never tell the full truth, you never tell people how you fucked up. You only tell people some painted and glossed story making you seem so innocent and I'm not having it anymore!
Yes, I've held a grudge against you for some time and it's past time that I got all of this off of my chest. You were purposely distant in my adolescent years and pulled your magic reappearance when mom died. You tried to act like daddy do good all too late in the game and I didn't need someone to tell me what to do, I needed someone cool to relate to. I needed the closeness of a parent that you never provided. When the opportunity came up you wanted to be bossy and to live how you thought I should live according to your standards. too late pops... way to late.
The added tension to our poor excuse of a relationship is the fact that i"m a homo. I used to consider myself bi and had feelings for both. I pursued feelings for a chick and it didn't give me the desired result. I'm not thrilled that I'm a full homo but it is what it is. You can go from wherever you may from that point with bit of info that you would like to go. No doubt that you'll go run to someone and tell them another half truth and paint yourself mighty once more and I'll be some black labeled child. Shrugs shoulders and throws up hands. I forgive you for what you did but I will not allow myself to be placed into similar situations in the future for complications. Life is too hard to have you adding to it. I gotta make it with or without you. Your actions thus far have proven to me that you would rather not be a part of my life. Again, do what you will. I've forgiven you and I'm moving on.
Whooo, I did it! I'll let you know how it goes down when it actually comes out my mouth.
Just Keep Wondering...
Dad, I don't come to see you because when I was around you didn't appreciate when I was there. I rarely received gratitude for doing things you overlooked, didn't do or just plainly didn't think about. It was made clear that we would be better off not being around each other which was the reason why I moved in the first place. Dad, I don't call you on the phone because when we lived together we couldn't have a decent conversation without one of us feeling some sort of way. Dad, I don't act like your friend because you never wanted to be my friend. You chose to play pool with Patrick, watch TV and to just not be bothered in anything regarding me. Dad, you wanna know why I don't talk to you? you can't keep ya trap shut. At every moment, I hear about what I am or what I'm not doing concerning you. You never tell the full truth, you never tell people how you fucked up. You only tell people some painted and glossed story making you seem so innocent and I'm not having it anymore!
Yes, I've held a grudge against you for some time and it's past time that I got all of this off of my chest. You were purposely distant in my adolescent years and pulled your magic reappearance when mom died. You tried to act like daddy do good all too late in the game and I didn't need someone to tell me what to do, I needed someone cool to relate to. I needed the closeness of a parent that you never provided. When the opportunity came up you wanted to be bossy and to live how you thought I should live according to your standards. too late pops... way to late.
The added tension to our poor excuse of a relationship is the fact that i"m a homo. I used to consider myself bi and had feelings for both. I pursued feelings for a chick and it didn't give me the desired result. I'm not thrilled that I'm a full homo but it is what it is. You can go from wherever you may from that point with bit of info that you would like to go. No doubt that you'll go run to someone and tell them another half truth and paint yourself mighty once more and I'll be some black labeled child. Shrugs shoulders and throws up hands. I forgive you for what you did but I will not allow myself to be placed into similar situations in the future for complications. Life is too hard to have you adding to it. I gotta make it with or without you. Your actions thus far have proven to me that you would rather not be a part of my life. Again, do what you will. I've forgiven you and I'm moving on.
Whooo, I did it! I'll let you know how it goes down when it actually comes out my mouth.
Just Keep Wondering...
8 thoughts:
That was good.
Just remember there may be something going on behind the scenes that you're unable to see. Take your father for what/who he is. Above all else, he's your dad. What I wouldn't give to even show my dad the man I've become in his absence.
You don't have to talk to your father like he's one of your best friends. Just acknowledging he's still here is all you HAVE to do, if you want. Just check in to make sure he's there. Then, if you're up to it, let him know how you're doing.
It'll be 19 years in March since he passed. That's nearly two-thirds of my life. If he weren't there at all, you'd sing a different tune. Trust me.
I still fear my father. His judgement and unpredictable, but steady hand. You gave voice to thousands, perhaps millions. Thanks for speaking what I whisper in the dark.
-N/the/ATL
That's a great first step. You can continue to love your dad from a distance.
Communication is key in this matter, if you're able to speak candidly with your father and he is willing to listen then you're on the way to healing your torn relationship.
My daddy was tough and we didn't always see I to eye, but years before his passing we were not only father and son, but friends. He was there for me more times than I can count, it took some time for him to accept my lifestyle, but he did and he gave me support and love.
I wish you well in your endeavors, may you and your father find solid ground.
This made me think of my nonexistent relationship with my dad...good luck! I WILL BE SITTING ON PINS N' NEEDLES!
We are here awaiting your return LiL Brotha. Hope all is well with ya.
Stay encouraged young brother. Many of us have had to deal with strained relationships with our fathers. I did not have a good relationship with mine until I was an adult. I like your blog. www.professorlocs.com
Check mine out if you need a laugh....smile
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