I am HAPPY

This is gonna be short and sweet, due to the fact I'm having fun at the club. Just want to say I'm happy! Gabe and I are in the di Booth and I am smiling and dancing. We had an intimate moment and I'm just happy with the world! Despite everything... I'm happy!

I must say...

Lately, since I've been going through all I've been going through, I have been putting foot to gravel and trying to get things accomplished. In between time, housing situations have come up and are creating great tension. Despite how this is starting this isn't one of those posts that will cry out woe is me. I'm actually glad to say that.

I've been so anti Facebook and don't care to log on and check anything or accept anything. Twitter falls in that category and I just can't put up with it. It keeps people in constant contact with people who don't need to be contacted. I just don't see the need for someone to have access to communicate the masses. Eehhh Over it... Well, I thought I was.

Yesterday, I began my downward spiral into facebook. I'm gonna see how long this last. Twitter? That will stay dead! I just refuse!

On my journey to the white park in Cranford, NJ, I say this teen, probably around 15 years old that was wearing a Jack Daniel's shirt like it was his favorite kinda drink? I mean really? Where the hell are these kids' parents? I just can't do it. I wish I coulda snapped a pic wit slow ass G1 camera. Oh well... maybe the next time.

I guess I may as well give an update for what's goin on... Unemployed? yea... Homeless? yea... Careless? did I mention that one? I might not of... yea my car is not drivable. I thank God that where it's disabled It is still there. Unemployment? denied... Broke? almost... Smiling? trying my best! I mean, I gotta be strong. It takes too long to be down and depressed. I'm moving on...

I wanna fuck and I think it needs to happen soon...

Just Keep Wondering...

A Babble Like Never Before

I'm listening to Lashaun Pace, currently known as Lashaun Pace-Rhodes, "Is your all on the altar". I'm finding it very difficult to cope with life at this current moment. A present held very present to me was stolen from me and it has me ready to make radical actions. When I say radical actions, I mean really radical actions, I don't really feel like I can let certain continue to live without this particular item being returned to me in perfect condition. O was given this coin container by my mother. It was a cow version of a piggy bank and it read "Milk Money" on the outside of it. It was the last thing i received from her from a vacation that I wasn't able to make with her before she died. I used it for the purpose it was made for for the reason it was given, to save money. I would put my coin in it at every opportunity given to me and in any time of need i would visit my bank and think of momma. Now it's gone. It has me quite disenfranchised. I really wanna perform out of personality actions to the people I believe to be responsible. I'm really talking about dismembering and torture to things that are far worse.

I'm here at Gabe's friends house typing away because there's nothing else I feel like I can do. I feel like my mom died all over again and there's no band aid big enough nor any hug that's strong enough to keep me at peace. I'm just tearing and crying alternatively. I can't seem to compose myself to the point where I can deal with myself where I can deal with life from a reasonable point of view. I wanna seriously slice throats and throw people out of windows without regard. I'm so full of rage and I'm hoping my gospel music and typing will bring me out of this thing.

I've stepped away from the scene because i really didn't know how I was gonna react to any scenario that presented itself. I can't go back. I don't wanna go back. Why should I go back? I've been reduced to nothing. I have no job. I am literally homeless. My car is falling apart piece by piece. My boyfriend, the once that I've given more of myself than anyone else before, is in love with me and someone else at the same time. plus i got this fuckin virus shit. Everyone always says I'm more blessed than I let on. Everyone always says I shouldn't complain. Well guess the fuck what? Those same people have shit that is working out in their favor. They have their health and strength. They have their jobs. They have ways to make their ends meet and pay their bills. They either are single and don't have to put up with bull shit or are living happily ever after and have a man or woman that is down for only them. I don't wanna say fuck them, but fuck you! I'm tired of being brushed under the table and being disregarded.

I'm tired of being tossed on the side and being not the second but the third, forth and fifth thought. Fuck family. Fuck friends. That's how I feel at this exact moment. They don't give a shit about me. They have left me time and time again and don't care to even come back and see how I'm doing. Cerone and Shaquan, along with my boyfriend have been the only ones that have cared about my well being on a regular basis for the last 3-4 months. Yea, I'll say it! Why? because accolades belong to who they belong to. Everyone else ain't shit or ain't much of shit. Fuck everyone! That's what the fuck I feel right now. My shit is gone and there's no momma here to replace it. There's nobody to hold my hand. There's nobody to rub my back.

At about this point the only thing is be on my own. I gotta be selfish and act like everyone is trying to get me. Everyone wants me for purposes not to my benefit. Everyone is out there to use me for what I can offer. Everyone wants what they want with total or little regard to what matters to me. My happiness has become number one and I'm numb to other people's feelings. Nobody cares about me so I say fuck the world. Fuck you, you and you! FUCK YOU! None of y'all mean me any good. I just need to be happy. I'm on a never ending quest to be happy and I wont stop till I get there. I have no choice but to get happy or I'll just end up a miserable bitch somewhere on a corner wishing that I wasn't.

The truth is that I really don't know how to handle things. I don't know how to handle these types of emotions and I have no clue on what to do. As the song says, put it in his hands. It has taken me quite some time, in between breakdowns and crying spells, to write this post. I'm tired. I'm so tired and I need help. I gotta give my problems up because I dont have the solution. There's no need for me to attempt to answer a problem that I don't have the answer to. I gotta lay aside this whole ordeal and just seek rest. I need rest, physical, emotional and spiritual rest. I'm going to go eat chicken.

Again?

Sunrise

Gabe and I wanted to find an intimate place where we could spend time away from the world, our problems and issues. We found this place in Weehawken, NJ, and we sat there in the darkest hour of the night right before sunrise. We danced and listened to music with each other. We watched the sunrise while at peace. It was simply beautiful...

After Gabe and I spent the early morning looking at the sunrise, we returned home. I just so happened to look up and see a familiar name and couldn't resist snapping a photo.

Just Keep Wondering...

Bali, Ari, Kush, Piff and Sour

I wanna know whats good wit weed. Weed as one of those things that was always fascinated about but scared to try. I loved the smell, with its different mixes and wraps. As comfortable as I wanted to feel around it, I wouldn't, I couldn't bring myself to try it. It was the only drug I've ever been curious about. Well, I've been exposed.

I drank my ass off and got drunk as hell The night started with rum and coke. then graduated to LIT. Then I had nerve to go to Remy. I can handle my liquor on a regular basis, very well at that, but I lost control. I got so drunk to where I just couldn't have inhibitions. People were smoking around me and I asked for a pull and before you knew it I had 3 pulls. Done as shit! I wanna try it sober. So, I can really feel what it's all about.

I wanna hear some first time experiences relating to smokin...

New

I'm living with my cousin right now. I've given up my apartment and I've made arrangements for proper treating of clothes that I'll be keeping. Furniture is staying at my old place and I'll be starting over. It pains me that the little I've attained while living there, I'm going to lose. I'm looking at it as an opportunity to rebuild better than before. I'll have an opportunity to save money, and take care of needed and overlooked expenses.

Never have I ever shacked up. I have come close in a past time, but said I would never be able to do it. I just did it! I'm not minding the change, I'm adapting to it. It's an eye opener to who I am and many of my dull traits have plenty of opportunities to be polished. I said I'm loving with my cousin now. I'm in a decently sized bedroom for an affordable price. To top it off, the affordable price is split in half. This is a perfect chance for me to gather and I'll be on my way to stability in next to no time.

My next post will be a bit on the controversial side. Never did a post like this before, but I'm looking forward to it.

Just Keep Wondering...

Seesaw

Seesaws are primeraly things that have ups and downs. I've been told that maybe I should have someone evaulate my life from a non objective view. I really don't need that.

Keepin it 100, bein as real as possible, shit is always off with me. Shit is always going wrong with me. Something is always happening to me or to people around me. Its almost as if I'm a stray black cat walking the streets of new york. I'm either gonna gonna get hit by a car, truck or bike, picked up by some guy who has a bbq cart in times square, or captured by the pet peoples and put down as soon as I get to the shelter! I'm just fucked all the way around. I've always had car issues. I've always had issues with finding a man, hell a woman too! When I got one, I find myself with an issue and complication every time. My friends have always been shit pieces. Work has always sucked and I have yet to be satisfied with an employer. Always had a broken family, even before momma died. Bad moment after unfortunate occurance followed by disaster is who I am. Now stay tuned...

When you hear the sunshine of my life, I over emphasize it. Why? Because I'm an optimist. I believe that all will be alright and I'm of the mindset that if I dwell in fortunate times, and over live my prosperous moments then I'll get more of them. I paint a fantasy and try to convince myself that all will be okay when reality has already painted me a broken and frightening image of my life. I refuse to let my reality dictate what I will be. I'm one that goes against reality and makes fantasies come true. Yea there's disappointment sometimes, but if there's one bit of success I'm thrilled in knowing that I've changed the image that reality wanted to give me into my own beautiful mosaic.

Naturally, since there is more misfortune than precious moments in my life it will seem as I'm always hit with something. I AM! Every lil shed of happiness I come across I'm gonna flourish in ans drain every bit of happiness from it and use it to the best of my ability. When its done and over with and there's no more joy to speak of, no more good times, and no praise reports, my dark clouds will show. I'll express them here because this is my outlet. I'd rather dump my darkness in cyber space than to walk around with my head hung down. Whenever I post most of my downer posts, when I'm finished typing, I feel better and I've gotten my second wind. Get back up in the morning and try it again. It would just be too easy to hold on to my emotions and become socially depressed, but that's not the route I wanna go in.

When you see my seesaw and u think I'm going going up and down, think again. I'm just sitting down waiting for my up to come and relishing every instance if up possibilities. No professional help needed here, I just need a break of happiness and I'll be fine. Just wish me the best, pray for me, and when you read of my good times, hope to see another for my next post.

Just Keep Wondering...

transition

Time check, 2:17am. I'm in a strange house. Laying in a bed other than my own, in a city I swore i'd never live in. I've made a move I'm completely not satisfied with. I'm in a house that has rented out its rooms in a bad place in Newark because I could stay in my own apartment any longer due to my bedbug issue.

My spirit is broken. I feel like a nigga. I'm in da hood not feelin good. To make matters worse, I reached out to one of my friends,and explained my issue, somehow hoping that he'd lend me a space I know he has no real use for. I have yet to hear from him. That's why I've almost discarded all of my "friends" cause they don't give 2 left shits about me. I'm sorry, that's wrong. They care, only if its convenient or profitible to them. So, still, fuck them all!

I've reached a new low and I'm just down. I wish my past 5 years could get a do-over and I could start fresh. To bad wishes don't come true. I wish I had a boyfriend I could wake up to that only has me on his mind. Didn't I say wishes don't come true? I wish I had a great job and didn't need to worry about pay to afford the nicer things in life. How many of us forgot that dreams don't come true? I wish I wasn't and didn't need to struggle. Shit, DREAMS DON'T FUCKIN COME TRUE! My spirit is broken.

My next failing battle will be with my job. Then, myself, followed by my love life. Its expected and predicted. I can't believe its come to this...

Just keep wondering...

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I never thought that I might be going through a rainy season like I've once gone through before. I been hit from the left, right, front and back. Something even tried to come at me from the top and the bottom! I'm still here though. I been going through a host of different issues including, but may not be limited to, financial hardship, car problems, I have a bedbug issue in my apartment, there are some issues that I'm dealing with Gabe, issues I am dealing with concerning friends, garnishments, and job stress. In addition, I've adopted this headache that will not go away. It is a reoccurring pain in the left center of my forehead and pains me severely. Time has passed on each of these issues and they have been heavy to hold and continue to move on.

I went to church, my spiritual and mental gas station, and My pastor's brother gave the morning word. It was dealing with blessing God at all times and giving a continuous praise. A line was called and there was a word spoke. I was sent on my way being told to believe. I sat in my seat in a meloncony mood. I just sat. Another guy came up to me and said, you've been doing a great job carrying service in Pastor's absence and because of your will and determination you're gonna need some more strength. He told me to go back for more prayer. I'm against those lines, because i feel you should be able to pray for yourself and get a prayer through. Despite my outlook, I went up and waited for my 2nd round about of prayer. Preacher said, "You've been loyal, and faithful. You've been going through this, this that and the third. You look like you been hit 20 times. You look real bad." I was a lil taken back! Wasn't this man supposed to be praying for me? Preacher leaned in and whispered in my ear, "but you're still standing!" You're stronger than you know. You have incredible faith and to have made it this far, and to still press on smiling is commendable. I'm not gonna pray for deliverance, because you already know God will do that for you. I'm going to pray for an increase in your strength and faith and for a double blessing of joy to get you through those trying times."

I was nothing less than astounded in myself. Here I was secretly down, hiding my inner distress, when all I needed was a breakfast meal of joy. I really can't say how much that encouraged me to keep my head held high. I look for my blessing and an opportunity to give God thanks. I'm saying when it rains, it pours. I can safely say, this isn't a cloudy day, I'm getting a sun shower. I'm just waiting for the rain to go away to enjoy the fullness of light!

I'm going through a residence change, a job change, by faith a car change, and life changes as well. My changes are here! Nobody said the change would be easy. I certainly didn't expect all of my changes to occur at one time either. I yet press on anyway.

Just Keep Wondering...