I'm listening to Lashaun Pace, currently known as Lashaun Pace-Rhodes, "Is your all on the altar". I'm finding it very difficult to cope with life at this current moment. A present held very present to me was stolen from me and it has me ready to make radical actions. When I say radical actions, I mean really radical actions, I don't really feel like I can let certain continue to live without this particular item being returned to me in perfect condition. O was given this coin container by my mother. It was a cow version of a piggy bank and it read "Milk Money" on the outside of it. It was the last thing i received from her from a vacation that I wasn't able to make with her before she died. I used it for the purpose it was made for for the reason it was given, to save money. I would put my coin in it at every opportunity given to me and in any time of need i would visit my bank and think of momma. Now it's gone. It has me quite disenfranchised. I really wanna perform out of personality actions to the people I believe to be responsible. I'm really talking about dismembering and torture to things that are far worse.
I'm here at Gabe's friends house typing away because there's nothing else I feel like I can do. I feel like my mom died all over again and there's no band aid big enough nor any hug that's strong enough to keep me at peace. I'm just tearing and crying alternatively. I can't seem to compose myself to the point where I can deal with myself where I can deal with life from a reasonable point of view. I wanna seriously slice throats and throw people out of windows without regard. I'm so full of rage and I'm hoping my gospel music and typing will bring me out of this thing.
I've stepped away from the scene because i really didn't know how I was gonna react to any scenario that presented itself. I can't go back. I don't wanna go back. Why should I go back? I've been reduced to nothing. I have no job. I am literally homeless. My car is falling apart piece by piece. My boyfriend, the once that I've given more of myself than anyone else before, is in love with me and someone else at the same time. plus i got this fuckin virus shit. Everyone always says I'm more blessed than I let on. Everyone always says I shouldn't complain. Well guess the fuck what? Those same people have shit that is working out in their favor. They have their health and strength. They have their jobs. They have ways to make their ends meet and pay their bills. They either are single and don't have to put up with bull shit or are living happily ever after and have a man or woman that is down for only them. I don't wanna say fuck them, but fuck you! I'm tired of being brushed under the table and being disregarded.
I'm tired of being tossed on the side and being not the second but the third, forth and fifth thought. Fuck family. Fuck friends. That's how I feel at this exact moment. They don't give a shit about me. They have left me time and time again and don't care to even come back and see how I'm doing. Cerone and Shaquan, along with my boyfriend have been the only ones that have cared about my well being on a regular basis for the last 3-4 months. Yea, I'll say it! Why? because accolades belong to who they belong to. Everyone else ain't shit or ain't much of shit. Fuck everyone! That's what the fuck I feel right now. My shit is gone and there's no momma here to replace it. There's nobody to hold my hand. There's nobody to rub my back.
At about this point the only thing is be on my own. I gotta be selfish and act like everyone is trying to get me. Everyone wants me for purposes not to my benefit. Everyone is out there to use me for what I can offer. Everyone wants what they want with total or little regard to what matters to me. My happiness has become number one and I'm numb to other people's feelings. Nobody cares about me so I say fuck the world. Fuck you, you and you! FUCK YOU! None of y'all mean me any good. I just need to be happy. I'm on a never ending quest to be happy and I wont stop till I get there. I have no choice but to get happy or I'll just end up a miserable bitch somewhere on a corner wishing that I wasn't.
The truth is that I really don't know how to handle things. I don't know how to handle these types of emotions and I have no clue on what to do. As the song says, put it in his hands. It has taken me quite some time, in between breakdowns and crying spells, to write this post. I'm tired. I'm so tired and I need help. I gotta give my problems up because I dont have the solution. There's no need for me to attempt to answer a problem that I don't have the answer to. I gotta lay aside this whole ordeal and just seek rest. I need rest, physical, emotional and spiritual rest. I'm going to go eat chicken.
11 years ago
4 thoughts:
Fuzzy you have brought me to tears and I've never met you personally, but have always felt close to you for some reason or other.
Reading this post makes me very sad, but then again I totally understand that shyte happens even to the best of us. Lighten up things are gonna get easier. Of course you lost an item that had sentimentel value, but as hard as it is to accept the thought or fact that someone would be so cold hearted, evil or thoughtless by stealing your bank makes your blood boil. You have every reason to feel the way you do, but getting angry doesn't change things. Let no man srteal your joy.
Fuzzy, I know you have heard this before, but you have much to be grateful for in fact you are truly blessed. Okay you're out of work, you're smart you'll get another job. Damn near homeless is not homeless if you have a place to lay your head. Lack of monies,, hell welcome to the club, it happens to many of us, but as hard as times may seem it truly gets greater later.
God did not bring you this far to leave you. Take it to God in prayer.
Don't worry about the lost of friends, you can and will make friends again. If those people were really your friends they'll always be your friends, if not no worries.
Much love for you Fuzzy. Be strong and take good care of yourself.
Fuzzy I know how you feel bro because I have been there...down that lonely fuck-the-world road..more than once. I will probably be down that road again at some point in my life. When we are consumed in our emotions, rationality does not seem to fit our reality. I was close to being homeless myself seven years ago but I was grateful my grandfather (RIP) allowed me to stay. I neither have a job nor a boyfriend and yet I'm holding on...my friends (the few I have) have been the backbone to keep me sane. I have learned to remain grateful for living this far and all the experiences I have learned. Whether those experiences have been good or bad, I understand it could have been worse. When we "babble" we get the opportunity to voice our feelings even when no one is around to read or hear them. Stay encouraged my brother.
Fuzzy, is there anything that I or another blog reader can do to help you?
I'm becoming worried about you.
I could see your pain as you wrote this post. But, most importantly, I could see your strength; I know that you know that your current situation is a temporary one and that everything you need to pull yourself out of it is within you. Your faith and trust in God will illuminate even the darkest of moments.
You have made a big step in actually verbalizing your feelings here, which is the first step in your healing.
I am praying for your spiritual, mental, and physical success.
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