Jealousy

I never thought that I'd be writing this post about my brother, Darnell. I always talk about my oldest brother from my mom, Patrick, but never speak of my next oldest brother. He's 31 years old. He was born with a mental disability. Not a major one but he was just a lil slow at learning. Took him awhile to write and read but he learned. Took him awhile to gain street smarts but he did. He was just a bit slower than everyone else.

Patrick and I always thought that I would find a wife before he would. Find a successful career before he would. Even down to starting a family before he would. As time goes on, he's finished before me. He has many of the things I want. A wife, (companion, lover or life partner respects to me), a job making enough to support him and his family, and as of yesterday, I found out that he is having his first biological baby. I was happy for him when he told me, But I just couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that he was doing everything that I wanted to do. Getting everything I wanted to have. I'm just in my apartment expressing to unknown readers my jealousy.

As often as a particular friend of mine tells me to never give up on my dreams. He tells me that they are just on their way. i try to be patient but that feeling of inadequacy is overwhelming at times. That feeling of a nobody comes up at times. That empty feeling takes a seat and I have trouble ushering her out the door. I want like everybody else wants. I need like everybody else needs. I could be so focused on me that I fail to see that I am just like so many other people and belong to a sea of like minnows. In my eyes I'm the only fish in my sea of despair.

I'm jealous of my brother. I'm happy for him at the same time. I'm dealing wit this at the wrong time of year. Dayum... I wish it was springtime already!

Just Keep Wondering...