I would like to ask the question of what one looks for in a mate. The general response was someone who was kind, honest, sexy, smart, a freak, caring, understanding, and committed. People, women and men alike, gave these answers over and over. They built a dream mate right before me! Get this! After describing all of that, it followed by but I can't ever find a good man or a good woman!
I really started to think about this. It bothered me! I find it so hard to believe that EVERYONE looking for a mate will say they are worth their weight in gold but can't find someone. Then on the flip script, you will find these self glorified, whether boasted or not, say that they are too good for someone. Or, they will have 1 or 2 disqualifying traits. I took this in and sighed! I mean really! Who the hell, in this messed up world, told you that you were the ISH?
What ever happened to being the best that you can be, which includes humbleness, and making yourself ready for someone? You may find the right person and dismiss them because he/she is not in the place where you want them to be? If two are willing why not throw on some elbow grease and bring the person to the place where you want them to be?
You will pass someone up because they are dl, but they are EVERYTHING that you could ever hope for in a man. You will let your own pride prevent you from going after someone. You have an altercation or disagreement and you have that attitude "I'll wait for him/her to come back to me" thing going on! Move and go get what you want! If you put more than a reasonable amount of effort into something and things don't work, fine!
I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be! I am not good in a relationship. I am not good at motivating myself. I am quick to slip into minor depressions. I don't have many long-term goals. I was very quiet. I needed some polishing up. You can have the dullest of gems and rubies, and all you have to do is place a lil work into it and you have a treasure in your possession!
I just get tired of hearing people looking for a perfect match. I get tired of people looking for greatness when clearly they are barely peaking mediocre! I am annoyed when people pass people up for ridiculous reasons. I get pissed at the entire attitude and the statuses of people who are looking for a mate!
I really started to think about this. It bothered me! I find it so hard to believe that EVERYONE looking for a mate will say they are worth their weight in gold but can't find someone. Then on the flip script, you will find these self glorified, whether boasted or not, say that they are too good for someone. Or, they will have 1 or 2 disqualifying traits. I took this in and sighed! I mean really! Who the hell, in this messed up world, told you that you were the ISH?
What ever happened to being the best that you can be, which includes humbleness, and making yourself ready for someone? You may find the right person and dismiss them because he/she is not in the place where you want them to be? If two are willing why not throw on some elbow grease and bring the person to the place where you want them to be?
You will pass someone up because they are dl, but they are EVERYTHING that you could ever hope for in a man. You will let your own pride prevent you from going after someone. You have an altercation or disagreement and you have that attitude "I'll wait for him/her to come back to me" thing going on! Move and go get what you want! If you put more than a reasonable amount of effort into something and things don't work, fine!
I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be! I am not good in a relationship. I am not good at motivating myself. I am quick to slip into minor depressions. I don't have many long-term goals. I was very quiet. I needed some polishing up. You can have the dullest of gems and rubies, and all you have to do is place a lil work into it and you have a treasure in your possession!
I just get tired of hearing people looking for a perfect match. I get tired of people looking for greatness when clearly they are barely peaking mediocre! I am annoyed when people pass people up for ridiculous reasons. I get pissed at the entire attitude and the statuses of people who are looking for a mate!
Where do people get off? I JUST DON'T GET IT!
29 thoughts:
Can anyone else tell if The Fuzz is angry or not?
I whole heartedly agree with what you are saying. To not necessarily see the now of a person, but more so to see the potential in them.
You touch on many points here.
I do agree that you shouldn't ask for something, that you are not yourself. How can I ask for greatness, when I'm not greatness. It's like saying, I won't date anyone who doesn't have a degree, meanwhile you barely got your high school diploma.
The only I can figure, is that people, know who they are Fuzzy, and instead of them thinking the the...ISH...as you put it, they know better, and more so want soemone to bring them up, and someone to work and invest in them instead.
I also think that people are afraid. They are afraid, that if I invest in you and your potential, and I give you my heart, in the process, where do I gofrom there, when you don't live up to that potential, and that invested time.
Sombody can be rough around the eges, and a diamond in the rough, but if they aren't willing to better themselves, then there is no hope, for change. You can't force someone or pull someone to where you want them to be. It's really comes down to it's not where you want them to be,but where they want to be for themselves.
Some can argue, that why should I have to bring or pull somebody, why can't they just be ond progressing on their own. It's like that, in society. Why should I have to wash my car, if I can get it washed for me...Why should I have to cook, if I can go get already cooked food...and so on so on.
But I get what you are saying...don't give up on somebody, just because of a few flaws, that don't agree with the overall dream package. For some reason, for some that flaw or that one thing they don't agree on, seems to overshadow everything else. I've experienced that, even on here blogging.
I see your points. I struggle with that notion of looking for perfection when they are nowhere near it. But what I've learned is people are looking for things in others they don't have. It's almost odd to imagine a person who supposedly have it all, would want someone who don't.
Ok, uh, so you sound pretty upset. Did you recently run into someone that triggered this emotional post?? I mean I agree with you on the majority of things you said, but, like my girlfriend always says, "what's really going on?"
youngblack&dl - I cosign everything you said. EVERYTHING.
I do see the point that is being made though. There are so many people who demand so many things that they are not themselves. However, it has to be kept in context and you have to be realistic about what you want/need in someone else and what YOU can bring to the table. For many individuals who work hard in getting their lives together, not only financially but mentally, spiritually and emotionally, it would be very disadvantageous to allow someone into their lives who would compromise those elements. I am not one for liabilities.
Overall, I do see and understand your perspective in this post.
Wow! your really mad?
I do believe that nobody is perfect. The choices in men that I wanted at 21 are totally different at 28. People like who they like, you know.
I will give an example. Lets say your DL, and you want another DL dude. You just are combining your issues with there's and magnifying yours. More sneaking around, more putting on this look and face for other people, and hindering the growth of truly being yourself.
This not mean "be out" But a strict DL guy is different then just being a guy who tells who he wants to tell, and don't put on a fraud everytime he is around others.
I am not so much angry, I am just really annoyed! You see so many people complain and complain and they do nothing to lift themselves out of that position. You see people place so much requirements on possible candidates that it is next to impossible for them to be happy with anyone because they expect Mr./ Ms. perfect to fall in their arms!
I hear friends, friends of friends and strangers saying the same thing. Its always the same story over and over! Eventually you get tired of hearing the same old same old! I just snapped!
This doesn't apply to everyone and there are some that have their life and situations in order. Those people have somewhat a right to hold such reservation about people. Of course my viewpoint may not apply to not every situation, but I believe can apply to every situation.
Nice blog, sir. I'm not sure if you I agree with you though.
First of all, my mom has told me I am the ish! Are you calling my momma a liar? Second, I have found myself with people who are not wear I am. The problem is not falling for someone who may be "benethe" you, per se. The problem is when that person is content to stay in that stagnant place, although they speak a good game.
Trust me when I say, as a cop, I constantly see people who hare in relationships with people that you would think are benethe them, wheither it be in looks, education or wealth. All of these thing are superficial and you have to say, "well, maybe the person sees something in their mate that I am missing" or "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
I agree with you that there are those among us who think they are the ish when to everyone around them they are not the ish, but they are truly full of ish. Those are the ones I believe you are talking about because they put theirselves so far up above everyone is that it is inconcievable that anyone could meet their high expectation, and so they cry about there not being any good man or women out there; when the reality is that the fault lies not within the quality of the men and women around said person, but of quality within themselves.
Or maybe I've just had too much crack today. Whatever.
I can totally relate to this post. I for one am one of those people that complain complain about not having someone, but honestly I cant find anyone. Everyone wants to live the life out in the open. Shawn you hit it right on the nose. I was clapping on that comment you left. I don't care If dude has X Y and Z. If he doesnt care about his image then I cant fuck with you. I dont wanna be labeled when we go out in the streets. I reveal to the public a Hetero man and when with my dude or friends in doors, Its wateva.
Also, Im 21yrs old I feel I have alot to offer but most people I talk to aint doing shit with there life. I mean there is one kat that wants to holla at me and he is very stable but he's just not my type. His swag its not what im looking for. Im sorry if people or fuzzy If you dont understand people like me that really cant find anybody. Its not that we feel we are better then anyone or such. Its all about our preference. Nobodys perfect but some shit just isnt exceptable.
Great Post.
Um excuse me...I know that usually the comments are more directed at the post at hand, and not at other peoples comments, but PROMISCUOUS X, were you reading the same thing I was reading?
I understand that you and SHAWNQT are fireinds, but it truly seems that you two are on totally different wave lengths here. What I gathered from SHAWN's comment, was that one DL man, getting with another DL man, equals a more magnified set of issues and less personal self growth. However PROMISCUOUS X you on the other hand, are talking about getting with another DL man and how you are all about image, and how that is so important, and totally contracting his whole putting up a fraud for others theory. SO what I'm saying is why are you clapping, buddy?
Now here's the thing, I do understand people like you, becasue I'm going to take a stab, in saying that we proabably have some similarities on "hidden" lifestyle choices. What I find so ironic, is that in this post, Fuzzy is talking about why dismiss someone, because they are DL, they might be the one for you. However you are talking about dismissing someone becasue they are out. Not you didn't say that specifically, but when you were talking about finally finding someone, with their shit together, but his "swag," just wasn't right for you. Now where I come from swag means the walk, talk, and attitude of someone. Lets call a spade a spade here. This guys "swag," I'm guessing, that just wasn't exceptable as you put it, was probably a flamboyant and probably more of a fem swag. A swag that if you two were out in public, someone would say that is a gay man. What I gathered from Fuzzy, is that don't go around talking about you can't find someone, when you can, but just dismiss them over one flaw, perhaps their swag for example.
I just find it so funny, that PROMISCUOUS X and FUZZY are talking about different things, yet their overall outcome are the same, it leaves you just thinking hmmmm...
Lol Young Dl... Lol I was in the zone when I was writing I think I did go off topic but I thought it made sense lol
I was focusing on this part of the comment and ran with my own idea
"I will give an example. Lets say your DL, and you want another DL dude. You just are combining your issues with there's and magnifying yours. More sneaking around, more putting on this look and face for other people, and hindering the growth of truly being yourself."
My bad people... this topic touched a nerve severely.
I would never dimiss a DL dude shit im the total opposite thats what I m looking for...I'm on the opposite side of the fence on this post. Whoever the person is that dismissed this dude is probaly out and wants to live there life care free and the dude is not feeling that. He should be happy to find a dude like that.
This goes with my whole "attraction" post.
In our society, the predominant trait for a man's attraction is his masculinity. Or what X calls "swagger." or what Jay calls a "Man's Man." I love Fuzzy's masculinity, and what swagger he does have.
While I feel a man can have swagger, I also believe that swagger doesn't make a man. I find it attractive that a little bit of "fem" is endearing. But in the end, what make a "man" is his character, his integrity, his ability to handle a situation honorable, and when he admits when he is wrong.
As a gay man, we live in a society where we are looked upon as weak or soft, and we feel that our "swagger" or our ability to hide our fem traits in public will allow us to be more accepted. To people on the street all the way to our family members.
Not being accepted is a hard pill to swallow, and many of us will hold on to the acceptance of others, because no one wants to be alone. We want our mates to love us, and fit our lifestyle, and that is ok.
Yet, always take a moment and think, did I really give up on a GOOD guy, even if his voice was one octave higher then mine?
Wow man, you just about called me out! LOL I agree with ya and I'm goin' thru that now. I'm unsure of a relationship I'm entering. I was worried about image, whether we click, whether I'll fail, who will break who's heart, the age gap, etc. ... but you just gave me the inspiration (and kick in the butt) to keep on despite my fears. Thanks man!
You know what I guess. I will never understand huh??? WTF
Now I agree with that Shawn, I think you make a very valid point there.
I think that in t he past week or so,I have had this very same experience., and it has left me wonder, did I make the right decision, on not calling and further exploring the possiblities, because of one thing.
What Promiscuous X, do you not understand?
I commend you on your honesty, that's a start to really understand what someone is trying to say. For me, I think thats what blogging is really about, not jsut talking about yourself, but really understanding yourself, as well as others. I know I have learned some things.
I think it all has to do with fear. The fear that if this person has this flaw with them, what else will they have that you can't see right now. Or it could be the fear if you let someone get close to you, they will see your flaws and then reject you and you'll feel even worse than you did before. Or it could be some other fear, but I think it's all about self-preservation and putting up walls and barriers that you think will protect you, but instead they make isolated and keep you from discovering something that could be really precious. I know this because with my life I think I wrote the handbook about doing it and doing it well.
a whole lotta truth up on this post, fuzzy.
lots!!!
my hat is off to you. i just happen to be in a great relationship and don't have to reflect on this.
peace
VERY well said. Without all the fluff, your words went right to the heart of the matter.
Fuzzy, I agree with most of what you have said in this missive however; I am one of the people you spoke about,I complain that I will never know real love again and that there is nobody out there for me, but on the inside I am tuly afraid to go after what I want and there are times I have no idea what it is I truly want that is why I am having problems identifying if Ke and I are in a relationship. " I am going to man up and start going after the brothas that I tend to avoid for whatever reasons and by all means none of us are perfect.
I see what is going on here, but I don't think I can apply this to me. I am more of a greedy person as opposed to a picky person.
I have run across those type of people. The ones that won't date you for whatever petty reason. I mean you never know! I, having HIV, get dismissed more than I let on. I just get accepted about the same! You never know how a person will treat you until you try it with them. You can't say a situation will not work until you place yourself in that situation. We can all say we have been there in that place before and say we don't wanna try it again. The reality of the situation, you have been in similar situations, but no two events may be perfectly identical. Take a chance and try someone out, you never know, you might like it!
Fuzzy the lonely feeling is a strange one it can drive you you so far in your search to alleviate it that you put up with or deal with some interesting things in and outside of people. So be patient with those searching for mates. They are just lonely. Really.
I have a couple of these qualities...Which im trying to purge from my persona. LOL!
I LOVE this post!
;-)
We think we are the sh*t! HELLO..catch up..lol
People will be people. Just pay it and move on.
I agree completely. Im done with trying to find that "perfect guy" because I know I'm not perfect and I lack specific traits and so now I just look for someone who balances out the traits that I don't have/are working to gain.
You know what? People always tell people to pay it and move on! Paying it is not sparking a change. Paying it is not promoting enhancement! Paying it is simply doing nothing! then the same people that say pay it are the ones that say you have to be about a change for it to happen!
What if everybody just paid it and kept it movin? Would your parents have fucked? Or your grandparents for that matter? what if your boss just paid it when one of your coworkers just cursed you out, robbed you, spat in your face and you wanted justice? What if everyone just said FUCK IT?
FUCK IT...........
Fuz,
Wonderful post. I agree. If we want the mate we desire out of life we first have to start looking at the actual person in front of us. We are not perfect and we should not expect our mate to be as well. Ups and downs come in a relationship but if you two think that its worth the good and the bad stick with it. You will be surprise as time goes on that the perfect mate you yern for so much is really the person who stuck by you through the good an bad times. Take the limits off and enjoy what LIFE has to offer.
Sorry I have not been checking up as often my home computer DSL is acting up lately.
lata.
obviously I'm late with this one...wow.
I'm lating reading this but wanted to add my thought. I think people really really don't know what the hell it is they want. So they want what they think the oustide world says we should want. Friends, relatives, TV and other things influence that. It's hard to get to what one really wants or I think we'd all be happy already.
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