The 23rd Marks One Year

Its been a year already and I can't believe it. I made it through a whole year without my momma, and I said I couldn't do it. I really don't know what to feel, what to do, what to say and who to say it to. I'm in the midst of an awe type of feeling of what is to come. I don't know why.

I was driving home from the Laundromat and I thought that religion was a joke. What if heaven is made up and no such place exists. In all honesty, while in this frame of thought, everything spiritual is in everybody's imagination. Who can provide proof that there is a heaven? Who can provide proof that there is a hell? All of this ran through my mind all at once. And at the same instance gave me a headache.

::exhale::

It was brought to me that it might help me to voice how my mother felt about me instead of how I feel about her. It might lift me up in some type of way and possibly ease the pain of her absence. So here it goes, how she felt and some things she told me:

• You assured me that as long as I stay with God everything will be alright.
• You told me to speak up for myself.
• You always said take good care of yourself.
• You always said that I was your little man :,(
• You told me that I excelled better in school than any other of her kids.
• You wanted me to be safe at all times.
• You gave me the name Daniel Boop Boop and used it to cheer me up when I was down.
• You called me Danny boy and I let you Just because you were mommy.
• You told me that I could cook circles around you.
• You always told me to go for the stars and to never stop.
• You, no matter what time of day or night, had time for me to tell you whatever I wanted.
• You had so much compassion for me whenever I messed up.
• You reminded me constantly to get it right.
• You encouraged me when most didn't care.
• You loved, shielded, protected, nurtured, held, supported, sympathized, and empathized with me.
• At the end of your race here on Earth, you were Proud of ME :,(

I could never forget those words that you wrote down on that piece of paper when you had the tube down your throat. "I'm so very proud of you Daniel. Stay with God." While I type this I see it is harder to speak how she felt about me than I her. Its been a year already and the wound is still freshly open!

Legendofo spoke of fear. I'm afraid that I will never cope with death. I'm afraid that I will lose everybody close to me and the cycle will repeat itself growing worse every time. I'm afraid That my dad will soon die and leave me by myself and alone. I'm afraid to die for the possible pain that might come with it, or the possibility of it the absolute end. I feel as though I'm sitting in a cold dark room. I Wonder... Will I ever be free of at least these fears?

The only photos that I have of my mother:

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