I was in a conversation with a friend on last night and I was moved my something that was said. "At least you got the chance to know her very well." This statement was made in reference to the passing of my mother. It made me think of an old saying, Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all. I began to think on that and I didn't have an answer. I wanted to say loved and lost but I felt like saying never to have loved at all.
To be close to somebody and to lose them really hurts. I have lost many close family members and a few friends also. The first death was my god-sister, she died when I was 8, the day after my birthday. When it happens one right after the other, it seems to hurt more and last longer. I lost a friend in the beginning of high school, followed by my grandmother in 10th grade, then my designated 2nd grandmother on the same day the next year and another friend in the same year. Then a series of funerals came within 3 months just last year, which included my mother, and a few members of the church that I was close to.
This has left me paranoid and afraid to think who may go next. That resulting in me distancing myself other family and friends. Placing barriers on some people so they don't get too close. I don't know if this is a help or a hindrance. I guess I'll know when the next one dies. Its sad that I said that, nonetheless its how I feel!
There may be a possibility that there are unresolved emotions from my mother's passing. I thought that just letting them be or come out whenever they came out was how it was to be handled. Guess not... I'm now addressing the pain and the rest of the emotions that I have been having. Deciphering each feeling and why I feel that way. As a child I was motivated and encouraged by my mother mainly. Now, I haven't felt so motivated to do things and was wondering, why? This past Sunday, at a friends church, there was a concert that I attended. The final song was Encourage Yourself, by Donald Lawrence (Finale: Blessings of Abraham). I received so much from that song and was so moved that I started tearing. I'm telling you I'm going to be speaking over myself just in case all you "prayin" bloggers don't LOL.
I feel like stealing O's line, I'm in progression!
To be close to somebody and to lose them really hurts. I have lost many close family members and a few friends also. The first death was my god-sister, she died when I was 8, the day after my birthday. When it happens one right after the other, it seems to hurt more and last longer. I lost a friend in the beginning of high school, followed by my grandmother in 10th grade, then my designated 2nd grandmother on the same day the next year and another friend in the same year. Then a series of funerals came within 3 months just last year, which included my mother, and a few members of the church that I was close to.
This has left me paranoid and afraid to think who may go next. That resulting in me distancing myself other family and friends. Placing barriers on some people so they don't get too close. I don't know if this is a help or a hindrance. I guess I'll know when the next one dies. Its sad that I said that, nonetheless its how I feel!
There may be a possibility that there are unresolved emotions from my mother's passing. I thought that just letting them be or come out whenever they came out was how it was to be handled. Guess not... I'm now addressing the pain and the rest of the emotions that I have been having. Deciphering each feeling and why I feel that way. As a child I was motivated and encouraged by my mother mainly. Now, I haven't felt so motivated to do things and was wondering, why? This past Sunday, at a friends church, there was a concert that I attended. The final song was Encourage Yourself, by Donald Lawrence (Finale: Blessings of Abraham). I received so much from that song and was so moved that I started tearing. I'm telling you I'm going to be speaking over myself just in case all you "prayin" bloggers don't LOL.
I feel like stealing O's line, I'm in progression!
3 thoughts:
My father gets freaked out when a lot of people die, and he starts running around saying things like, "Don't you realize that ten people have died this year, and you want to put that much butter on my pancakes". (My family is insane tho.... LOL)
I deal with deal pretty well. I realize that everyone must die, and that's just it. I usually act a bit unseemly at the viewing.
But write about your feelings for your mom, you don't have to post it. Be honest and you never know what may just come out and you'll be like, " WHOA Where'd that come from?"
OOH and I left you all high and dry with the pictures, but DEFINITELY this SUnday I'll have some up.
-Marz
(((Fuz)))
Mourning is a terrible thing to endure. I feel you on this post. I have a big family and someone is always dying. Sad to say death is becomming like horror movies to me. Im starting to be desensitized unless the person is super close to me.
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